No contact is killing me.

[NVT]

The board is telling me I'm not allowed to post URL's, so I guess view my profile for my other thread with some background information on my situation. I hope that works? Thank you to anyone that helps.

 

I've done everything wrong. Just about everything you're not supposed to do after a break up. I begged, contacted him over and over, tried to be friends, made up excuses to get him to come see me...just horrible. Finally, I had enough of his cold, indifferent, and cruel attitude towards me.

 

Earlier this week, he was going to drop off a book I had left in his room. He told me he would come on one of two days and didn't have the decency to tell me which day. He ended up leaving the book on my front porch because there was a misunderstanding and he thought I was out.

 

Since the breakup, he has been acting cold and indifferent nearly every time we've spoken. I even asked him out right if he would prefer going no contact, but he said we should be friends. When I saw that book on my front porch, I completely lost it. I texted him asking if I could see him that night because I wanted to tell him of my plans to go no contact if he couldn't be friendly. I said if he couldn't see me tonight, that would be it. He simply said alright. I then asked him to call me so I could tell him and he refused and said there was nothing else to talk about. For the first time in my life, I told someone to eff off and never contact me again. I promptly deleted him from all social networking sites. I have a blog, a YouTube series, etc. He had way too much access to my life and he wasn't sharing anything about his anymore.

 

The next morning, I typed up an e-mail saying that I refused to let him keep stringing me along until he was ready to be friends. He kept saying we should wait "a little while" before seeing each other again, but he said he didn't know how long a little while was. I love him pieces even now that he broke my heart and hurt me so much. I would have been okay with being pathetic and waiting if only he had responded positively to my previous attempts at contact where I apologized for how I acted while we were together and even extended an olive branch. I basically gave him everything he wanted and said he could still have me in his life when he was ready because really he didn't do much to hurt me.

 

But he didn't even acknowledge my words at all. So I lost it. I sent him an email on Friday morning saying how much of a coward he is for not being able to face me and how I'm going to find someone more mature next time. I told him to say nothing now and prove that I'm wasting my time.

 

He didn't reply. I know deleting him from my life was the right thing to do because he doesn't deserve to know what I'm up to, but it hurts so so much. I dream of him every night. In my dreams he still loves me and we're happy like we used to be. Just doing silly things, laughing, or otherwise completely back to normal. But then I wake up alone and realize that I will never see him again. Never hug him again. Never be held by him again. Never play with his soft hair again. Never receive his kiss again. Never laugh again or even hear his voice again. Everything reminds me of him.

 

Does he really not love me anymore or did he just say that? Is it really possible that he doesn't miss me after being obsessed with my company for so long? I can't stand the thought of him with anyone else. In our bed. In his shower. Living MY life. Is he really okay with the thought of me with someone else? Is he regretting this at all? Will he ever contact me again if I keep up this no contact? Will not knowing what I'm up to drive him crazy and make him come to his senses? Despite all of this, we were a beautiful couple and he really cared for me. What made him flip so suddenly? What made him go from crying and never wanting to be apart one day to acting like I never existed the next?

 

Please don't tell me the reasonable things to do. I know what I have to do, I know I have to move on. I know cutting him out was the right thing to do, but gosh, I miss him and love him so much despite everything. Did his strong feelings for me disappear over night? Will I ever hold that beautiful boy again? I appear strong to the outside world but inside I am falling apart. Please tell me how he could do this to me.

 

I can only seem to remember the wonderful times we've shared...does he too?

[listed]

You cant be friends with him. You gotta stop caring about what he thinks and take care of yourself.

[listed]

No contact isn't killing you, it's all the obvious contact you've cited.

*Edit* of course you'd be in pain anyway, but contact will prolong it

[Mustachio]

Oy, there is so much wrong with this post its hard for me to know where to begin. I do understand where you are coming from though, and I am sorry you are going through all this and if I come off as harsh in this post its only because I think you need to hear it.

 

First of all, something that helped me and will help you too is to stop thinking about this in such absolute terms. You dont know that you will never see him again, you dont know that he is gone from your life forever. Yes its an extremely high probability that you will never be together again but you may in fact become friends... one day, long after all these emotions have died down.

 

You are asking these questions about his feelings. I dont know if they changed overnight, but the relationship is over. It seems to me that he told you what he needed and instead of giving him those things you pushed him, and then you continued to push him. And even when he told you there was nothing else to talk about, you pushed him some more. You need to gain acceptance that its over. Just because he is the one that broke up with you doesnt mean he isnt hurting too. Sometimes the dumper also needs their space.

 

Another thing here is that I just want to remind you of the true purpose of NC. Its not to make him miss you, or contact you. Its so you can adjust to your life without him in it. So you can move on. I dont know if you going NC is ever going to make him contact you or not.

 

Either way, you are perceiving this change in behavior from him because your own actions would seem to have pushed him into it. After reading your other post, your breakup does not seem so sudden and it just doesnt seem like it was right for him. You need to let it go, you need to accept his decision, all this contacting and angry emails probably just makes him feel like you arent respecting his decision. I know if I told a person what I needed multiple times and they continued to do the opposite, I would get pissed off too.

 

Im sure he remembers the good times and that he doesnt hate you. But you are focusing on the wrong things, and you really need to let it go and start to move on.

[NVT]

Thank you. I know that's what I have to do, but why can't he tell me all of that himself? He says there isn't anything else to say, but honestly he's said NOTHING and that's why I can't seem to let it go. I didn't push him into acting like this- if he was as mature as he claims to be and really did want to keep the peace, he could have responded positively to my olive branch email and just said something nice. I think he owes me that at least. He's basically just completely dropped me and gone from never wanting to be apart to not caring how I feel. I would have accepted his decision instantly if he could have talked to me about like a human being instead of running from me like an immature child. He's made it clear he doesn't want me out of his life completely yet he's been treating me like dirt on his shoes. He went from dropping everything if I needed something to not even trying to help when he was the only one who knew I had fallen in the shower and was unable to get up for a long while. I feel like I was well within my rights to send an angry email stating my intentions when he hadn't given me ANYTHING and was just treating me so horribly. I'm using no contact for myself, obviously, but everyone that knows him finds it hard to believe he'll be able to handle my disappearance.

[listed]

Him coming back for you would probably be just as bad. I'm sure there is such a thing as reconciliation and it may be beyond your will power to resist, but is someone who dumped you , even if they come back really the person you should be with?

[Mustachio]

You say that you would have responded differently if he had just acted a little differently. Honestly, I dont believe it.

 

He broke up with you. You begged and pleaded, and then extended the olive branch of friendship. You made a big deal over him dropping a book off for you. Im betting he wanted to drop it off and avoid having to get into another big talk or argument about it all, so he figured better to just leave it. Instead you tracked him down and then got made at him for that.

 

Sure he might not want you out of his life, but right now, you are not accepting his decision, so until you accept it I think he needs you out of his life. You are also taking everything he says too literally. People say things during break ups that arent necessarily true because they are trying to ease the pain and guilt for themselves or their ex partners. Its normal.

 

And really, I dont see anything here about him treating you all that horribly. Sure he broke up with you for what seemed like a silly reason and to you seemed to be all of a sudden, that sucks. But he made a choice and he is sticking by it and you just cant seem to accept it. Pushing him for something, anything to ease your pain. Well he is not the one who is going to ease your pain, you are, and you are going to have to do it without him. I feel like you are equating his trying to distance himself from you as horrible treatment, when the worst treatment has probably come in reaction to you not letting him have his space.

 

I am really not trying to be harsh here, but if you were able to read everything you have written from an objective standpoint I think you would see that what you both need right now is space. You are never going to be able to amicably resolve these differences while your emotions are so all over the place. He obviously wants space that you arent giving him, but you need to realize that you need to back off and give yourself some space too.