I Just Dont Know What to Do..

[John1423]

Hello all,

 

I came accross these forums while I was searching Google for "how to know if it's time for a divorce?" And well..here I am. I just honestly don't know what to do, or maybe I do know what I want I just want approval from someone else or someone else to say it's ok.

 

First off, I am in US military. I was sent to Korea in April 2008, and had a fantastic time being single. Just being with friends all night, drinking, partying, meeting girls, etc etc. Then in July 2009 I met my wife, actually on an internet dating site (but I was always too embarrassed to tell friends and family that, so we always said we met some other way in Seoul). She was, and still is, a beautiful Korean girl. And not just in my eyes, but others too. She grew up in a broken home, and was picked on a lot in school for it. She was in a three year relationship with another man, but caught him cheating and left him just a few months before we met. To fill the void in her heart after she left him she met several other men, some for one nighters and some for a two week long relationship while cheating on those boyfriends.

 

Me and her had an incredibly passionate relationship, I was crazy about her. But she wasn't without her faults as well..strange faults. She would tell me she was pregnant to see what my reaction would be, or call from someone else's phone and pretend to a girl I had previously met. Or every other weekend she would get upset and say she was breaking up with me. Also at the same time as all of this she was speaking to another man, and had met him when I was home on leave. So again to fill her heart when her "man" was gone. But she never took responsibility for it, always said it was my fault because I went home.

 

Well my time in Korea was coming to an end, I was set to leave April 2010. So after only knowing each other a short while, and never living together, we married in February 2010.

 

Since then we have had many ups, and many downs. Like all marriages I'd assume. But now the problem is, is that it seems like there are more downs than ups now.

 

She doesn't really get along with my family. She put my father into a fit of rage during one of their first meetings, and now he tries to be nice to her but doesn't really speak to her. Her and my brother are no longer on speaking terms, and my grandmother offered to give me money for her plane ticket back home. The only person she really gets along with is my mother. Who is also a foreigner. November 2010 she was diagnosed with depression (again, the 1st time was after she caught her bf cheating and she attempted suicide) after she had tossed the house and taken a razor to her wrists. The cops were called and she was taken to a mental facility for one week, (most of the family problems started after this incident). There have been a few incidents like this, only this was the most severe since blood was shed. Normally she'd threaten suicide, lock herself in the bathroom, or attempt to choke herself with a tshirt. Since then she has seen a therapist a few times, and has been taking depression meds. Although sometimes she refuses to take them and things go all to hell.

 

She still threatens divorce about every other week, and then apologizes the next day for it and says she was just mad. And she still continues to talk to other men on Facebook even though I tell her I don't like it. They don't talk about anything sexual, but the men have stated they would like to meet her. And she sometimes asks if she can, although she says she's joking. She sometimes threatens to cheat on me if I don't change my ways, (I've never cheated).

 

Lately we've been fighting about kids. She wants them now, I want them later. Whenever she sees a young couple our age she makes a snide remark about how they have a child. I'm not exactly sure why I don't want children right now, I think it may be because I don't where this marriage is heading. Or I'm not confident enough in this marriage to know it will last the rest of my life.

 

She is also completely insecure, probably due to her past. But it is a huge turn off. Having her ask me "Am I pretty", I say yes, then she says "No shut up, I know you're lying to me" just..gets on my nerves. Happens a few times a day. Ill spontaneously say something about her looks as well.

 

Also she does not know how to drive, and I don't have the time to teach her. And she also refuses to try and get any friends. So the only time we're apart is when I'm at work. I'm not allowed to see my friends without her.

 

And with the slight language barrier, we can't have engaging conversations. And I didn't realize it until we moved in together, but we don't have a lot of common interests..none really.

 

Our sex life has almost come to a screeching halt. It's almost like I just don't want to have sex with her anymore, I'd rather sit at the computer and masturbate. And when she tries for a deep kiss, I kind of shudder.

 

I think I'm kind of getting off track and rambling at this point. I apologize. It's just sitting here, and writing everything out is almost like a therapy and I just want to go on and on.

 

Well lets just say we've had our share of problems.

 

Well things have gotten a lot worse in the last couple months. I found out I that I am going back to Korea soon, and she freaked out. Now most of my thoughts head to divorce (they've been there for a little while, just really coming to head now though), and I keep thinking about being single again. It excites me. Just thinking about living in the barracks again, doing whatever I want, going out whenever I want. No responsibilities.

 

I don't want to look back when I'm an old man, and be unhappy with the last 40 years of my life. Maybe I'm just too immature for a marriage. I'm 24 years old, and my wife says I'm an old man and it's time for kids. But I don't feel 24, I feel 18. Maybe I'm just too immature, not responsible enough for this. In fact, I almost feel guilty for keeping her in this marriage because it's not what she deserves. She's a good girl, who loves me. And I care so much about her, I don't want her to get hurt.

 

Wow it felt good to type all of this out. Trust me, there is ALOT more. But I hear her stirring in the bed so it's time to go. Also..if I decide to tell her I want a divorce, I know for a 100% fact she will threaten suicide, or toss the house again..anyone have any experience with anything like that?

[DN]

First of all - do not have children with her unless you decide you do love her after all and commit 100% to the marriage.

 

Have you tried counseling as a last resort?

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

So sorry you're going through this at such a young age. She sounds so complicated and as I've been reading through, kept thinking why did you marry her? I think the marriage was a mistake - we all make them. With the power of hindsight...we wish we could turn back time and do things differently. It's not too late for you. Thankfully, you don't have children and I think the reason you shudder at the thought of it is you don't want to start a family with her. He mental health worries you, the fact that she'll threaten suicide if you tell her you want a divorce. She's threatened divorce a few times anyway! And her mental health problems existed way before you met her so you cannot think you'll cause them.

 

Truth is, you want out. You weren't and are not ready to stay married - at least not to her. If the intimacy has gone out of the window as well, then I don't see that you've got any reason to remain married to her. It's time to bring it up and face the consequences of her actions when you get to it. If you don't, you'll end up back in Korea and enjoy your freedom in the barracks, before long you'll be getting your groove on with another woman...and your wife's reaction will probably be the same as the one you're fearing if you tell her you want to divorce. Except this way, she'll have the sympathy of the nation and the law as you'll have become an unfaithful husband. Let her threaten suicide, toss the house etc, but get your point accross and get out while you're still young and sane enough to find someone better suited to you and at the right time.

 

Good luck.

[RedDress]

You know... I'm usually a huge proponent for councilling and for trying to save a marriage. But honestly? I was overwhelmed even just reading this post. There are many, many issues here that I think come down to her extreme insecurity and lack of feeling of personal self-worth. More than anything, I think she may need councilling. You can't expect to relate well with an unwell person.

 

You are young, the marriage is short and you don't have any children.

 

Above all else, don't have children with her at this stage.

 

If you'd like to try councilling and it will make you feel better, it's always a good thing. But personally? I think it's time to start considering divorce.

[alli]

I think it's really, really good that you aren't caving in to having children with her right now. Children definitely do not make marital problems easier or bring the couple closer. It actually makes things a lot harder. Then if you did decide to get divorced it makes things very complicated, figuring out how to divide assets with consideration for who has primary custody. It would probably be her, and I'm assuming both of you would want to go to your home country in that event. So your kids would live in Korea while you would not, most likely.

 

She sounds complicated. If you want to stay married, maybe consider seeing a marriage counselor. If you don't even want to try, I guess divorce is the only option. People threaten the suicide thing as a way to control you, to make you not leave them. You CAN'T base your whole life on what someone else CHOOSES to do when you leave. People break up and get divorced every day and most don't kill themselves over it. You can suggest to her to see a counselor & make the divorce as gentle as possible, but what she chooses to do at that point is out of your hands.

[Cadence44]

I think you ignored tons and tons of red flags that existed early on because you wanted so badly to believe that she was who you wanted her to be. Now the rose-colored glasses are coming off and you are slowly having to come to terms with the aspects of her personality that you had previously willingly overlooked.

 

The fact that things have turned out like they have is really no surprise if you stop making excuses for her and look at her behavior early on. The majority of people have had dysfunction and painful issues during their childhood, and the majority of them grow up and realize that their life is in their hands and they can't continue to use their past as justification for bad behavior. Why do you continue to explain away her behavior for her? Can't you look around and see all of the people who had it so much worse than her and are now awesome people?

 

Threatening suicide would just be another in her long list of emotional manipulation techniques. You've been manipulated for so long that you have a guilt complex with this woman. The truth is that she's a big girl capable of making good choices. If she doesn't do that, she's only got herself to blame.

 

The foundation of a happy relationship or marriage is to choose someone with good character. Without that you've got very little to build upon. I think you already know what you want to do but you're looking for people to tell you that it's alright. It's more than alright.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you whether you want to continue to give more years to an unhappy relationship with someone who is unwilling to change, but you should not bring a child into this situation. I hope you are taking steps to ensure that you don't impregnate her. We've seen cases where the woman knows that the marriage is in trouble so she purposefully gets pregnant as a way to keep her husband from leaving. Your wife sounds like she's the type to do that so please don't be naive and trust that she's using birth control properly.

[John1423]

A child is something I just don't want right now, the biggest reason is just like you guys said, it just wouldn't be smart to do it with her. And the counseling, it's something she had brought up this past Winter but I refused to go. Almost like I already gave up then, just had/have no urge to go.

 

Some of you said something about manipulation..I never thought about that. I get guilt trips laid on me occasionally. Like with the having children thing, when she sees other young couple with a child she feels the need to point it out and say she wishes that was her. I remember one day we were arguing and she said I forced her to marry me, and bring her to the States. Every time we've talked about divorce, she says something like: You f****d up my life. She tells me that if she were to divorce she would have a tough time getting a job in Korea, and people would look down on her. She also spews our arguments on Facebook, in her statuses. Saying things like how she's mad at me, or even things like no one loves her or she's all alone. Then talks to random girls she met on Facebook, or my friends girlfriends about our problems.

 

It's just, I really don't want to hurt this girl. I don't know if I still love her, but I care about her deeply and just want her to be happy. Underneath all of her issues she is a good girl, really good girl who under the right circumstances could make someone very happy.. I think I would be fine with a divorce, at least after a short recuperation period and knowing that she's okay. It's just her I'm worried about, I don't think she can handle another blow like this.

 

I really appreciate everyone reading and responding to my rants. My friends wouldn't be able to help since I'm about the only married one, and I already know how my family feels about it all.

 

Thank you guys for all of the advice

 

RedDress - "..her extreme insecurity and lack of feeling of personal self-worth." She tells me frequently she believes she's worthless

[DN]

If she is trashing you on Facebook then let her deal with her issues alone - at home.

[catfeeder]

[...] And the counseling, it's something she had brought up this past Winter but I refused to go. Almost like I already gave up then, just had/have no urge to go.[...]

 

If you're already checked out, then don't waste your money on counseling. It's not a car wash, so it won't clean up a couple's mess just because they show up. It's a waste of time and funds if either partner isn't fully invested.

 

Consider being less concerned about appearances and how you are perceived, more concerned with taking control of your own best interests--which ultimately would serve her best interests regardless of what she 'wants'. She may not 'like' your decision, which means she'll probably kitchen-sink-everything she can throw at you to 'get' you to behave as she wants. You're either willing to stand up to what you know is right for you, or you're not. If so, operate as the one who's sane enough for the both of you. If not, then your story will just keep getting longer and longer...

[Deciduous]

Hi John1423,

 

and my grandmother offered to give me money for her plane ticket back home

.

 

Good grief! When Grandma starts diving into the personal pension fund, then we know things are all shot to hell.

 

I think you know that you are in an unsalvageable position. I have to agree with the other posters here. I realise that you care about her well-being but are you really equipped to support a person that has demonstrated little respect for your family and your privacy. Of course it is not okay to have your life broadcast on FB.

 

It's clear that you feel responsible for this lady, having brought her to the US, but when is she going to demonstrate responsibility for herself. Blackmail, suicide threats, fantom babies and outings on FB are not the way to rear a stable relationship. She is taking advantage of your kindly nature and tossing a few tunes of emotional bribery into the mix.

 

"Do you genuinely want this lady to be the Mother of your children. The role model for your offspring." Because if you continue this relationship then that is where you may be heading. It only takes one weak moment, one slip to find yourself in an additional world of pain.

 

You have done your best to see this through, but now it is eeking the joy out of your veryexistence. Seriously who can live with this level of stress.

 

Unfortunately this isn't going to get better. As she begins to realise that this level of disrespect will go unchecked and unstemmed, she will continue to push you even further into a corner. You are far too young for this level of misery. (Wait until your my age-42!!!)

 

Stand up for yourself. You are being treated atrociously despite your best efforts. Send her home... with a couple of hundred in her pocket if you must. But know that you have already been more than generous and understanding given the circumstances. But she cannot be allowed to run rampant over your life and face-book.

 

It time to let go of your guilt, because I'm guessing that is what is holding you back, and chalk it up to experience. (We've all had 'em)

 

All the best to ya, dude.

 

Deciduous

[edelweiss]

I also thought "Borderline Personality Disorder". These are ingrained ways of relating to others that are very difficult/ usually impossible to change. She needs to manipulate her relationships/ others in order to feel valued/ supported. You are so unhappy and have only been married for a very short time, this is not how marriage should be. I think you should leave, and I wonder why you married her in the first place. You can't take responsibility for her happiness, especially not at the expense of your own happiness. Her threats of suicide, etc., are manipulation attempts to make sure you won't do anything she doesn't like. I'm sure she deeply fears abandonment but ultimately you cannot hold yourself responsible for her wellbeing... she is responsible for that.

 

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