Is this wrong, i don't know if this was cheating. Need advice..

[Casmut]

About two months ago my friends decided to rent this cabin as a bit of a get away in celebration of a friends birthday. My girlfriend has been away for work so she couldn't make it unfortunately. A few days as i was set to leave, an old female friend decided to contact me and say hello. She has been big into diving and swimming and since the place we were going to has a lake, i decided to invite her a long.

 

I went there with her, but I had 0 intention of having sex, making out or anything. Nothing happened, we didn't have sex, we didn't make out..and my friends thought she was my girlfriend but we both repeatedly told them that we were just old friends catching up. I talked to her a lot, but again we didn't do anything at all. The most i did was put my arm around her, i was a bit drunk yet i did realize what i was doing after a minute and withdrew my arm.

 

So why am i getting the feeling i did wrong? She is just a female friend whom I've treated like every other friend. Is this cheating? Its kind of bothering me..

[Applewhite]

Do you have romantic feelings for her?

[Casmut]

Not at all;

[hello678]

If you can tell your partner without feeling guilty its probably not cheating.

 

Id say that is borderline behavior. I'd definitely be up front about it.

[Applewhite]

Did you lie about (or avoid to tell) your girlfriend that this friend was joining you and that you had invited her?

[Casmut]

I didn't tell my girlfriend because I was treating the entire situation like i would with any other friend, so I didn't think twice about it. Its only started to bug me recently, and i have no idea why.

 

I am afraid if i tell my girlfriend about this she might go crazy and take it the wrong way. She is hyper sensitive and takes things the wrong way often. I love her, and the thought of cheating on her bothers the hell out of me.

 

Is this cheating though?

[doiiiieeezie]

It's not cheating but I think you should be more communicative with your girlfriend. What does she know about you having female friends and what's her stance on it?

[lavenderdove]

Given your long and roller coast ride with your GF, i think this was taking a big risk. If you had talked to your GF about it and asked her if it was OK, then it would be fine, but the fact that you didn't even mention you were taking a woman friend on a weekend away with other people could be really problematic for her if she finds out.

 

I think you need to examine why you would take another woman on a weekend trip when you already know your GF is hypersensitive and takes things the wrong way often, and you are trying to reconcile after a very rocky 2 year separation? Reconciliations are far more fragile than the first go around, so you have to be very careful not to do anything that might be seen as a further breach of trust or last straw.

 

I don't think this is cheating because you didn't have sex and didn't intend to be romantic with this woman, but it was extremely risky and unwise behavior from any standpoint because your GF was away for work and you didn't ask her if it was OK nor even tell her about it, so are in essence hiding something from her. That could be a huge dealbreaker if she finds out and loses trust in you.

 

If there is any chance she could find out, i would first do something like show her all the pictures taken on the weekend and tell her that this person or that person was there and who they were and how it was just a nice weekend with friends. And don't single out your 'special friend' in any way, but don't cover up that she was there.

 

And don't ever do anything like this again if you value your relationship. With your past history with her, she could dump you on a dime and never look back if she thinks you're playing footsie with other women behind her back when she's out of town. Even if you're not cheating with them, if you are asking them to go on weekends with you and not telling your GF about it, it looks (and feels) really bad and like you're trying to hide something (which you did indeed hide), so don't go there again... she'll assume you are guilty even if you're not, for the sole reason that you hide it from her. Doesn't matter why you hid it, it never looks good when you do, and shows that you and your GF aren't being open and honest with each other on some level, which you need to analyze and address in the relationship.

[Casmut]

She knows i have female friends. Recently she has become a bit more sensitive to it since our relationship is far more serious. For example there is one female friend that I have that my girlfriend finds as a threat, so i very rarely talk to her anymore. I only think of her as a friend and nothing more. I have always accepted the fact that my girlfriend has many guy friends, it doesn't bother me. Yet somehow I don't think she likes me having female friends. She hasn't flat out said it but dhr has made hints towards it, or gets quiet when i bring them up.

 

I don't want to tell her this situation because i know she will blow it up, maybe when she comes home in a few weeks.

[DN]

It wasn't cheating and don't tell your girlfriend.

[ForumGuy]

If it was as you say, just friendship, with no romantic feelings and you know this deep inside yourself, don't say anything to your girlfriend. There is nothing to tell her.

 

 

 

So why am i getting the feeling i did wrong?

The reason that comes to mind is that there actually are other feelings for this friend and/or insecurities about your current relatiobship.

[Casmut]

Lavender I feel very stupid about what I did, and I won't do it again, even though I don't think i did anything wrong. It has gotten to the point where i have become reclusive towards my friends in general, all of them, male and female. I don't want anything getting in the way of my relationship now, i kind of live in fear of anything happening to my relationship because its taken so...SO long to recover.

 

At the time i wasn't trying to hide anything, i didn't even think that it was a bad thing inviting a friend out like that. Perhaps i was being dense and didn't think about it. My negative reaction set it when i was there, then it got worse over the last few days and i don't know why.

 

Thank you DN..and to those replying. I feel so stupid right now.

[Casmut]

It's seriously just a friendship. I slept in a sleeping bag on a cold floor.

[Casmut]

I do have insecurities with my current relationship. Our history is rocky, not for my wrong doing but hers.

[alli]

Doesn't sound like cheating to me at all. Telling her would make her flip it sounds like, and there's really nothing to tell.

[Casmut]

Thanks all for the input.

 

I am keeping to myself from now on, i literally have been avoiding friends now. How messed up is that? I just want things to work this time.

[RedDress]

Here's an existential question. If you don't feel you can tell her upfront when you are about to do something completely innocent (ie: invite your friend) - is this really the girl for you? I mean... your partner should know you and know what your general intentions are (especially if you've never done wrong by her). And relationships are about communication, right?

 

I don't think you cheated. But at this stage, I also wouldn't go out of your way to tell her about it. That's going to freak her out because there is an air of trying to hide things. But I also wouldn't go out of your way to hide the fact that this friend was there. That would be lying.

 

But... new relationship/healing relationship or not? I think you should consider why the communication is broken and whether that is healthy or desirable.

[Casmut]

I wouldn't lie to her about it. If by some chance the topic was brought up I wouldn't hide anything. At first i felt that it wasn't a problem, now it just seems to be bothering me. I think its mainly because i haven't seen my girlfriend in awhile, whenever she goes away for long periods at a time for work i always have this fear she won't come home. This is what broke us apart the first time around.

[RedDress]

I think its mainly because i haven't seen my girlfriend in awhile, whenever she goes away for long periods at a time for work i always have this fear she won't come home. This is what broke us apart the first time around.

 

Then I doubly wonder if this is the girl for you.

 

You broke up before because you hated the travel and you wondered if she was coming home. Now... she's away and you are doing things that you, yourself think might be dubious. You kind of didn't tell her that you were inviting this friend up to the cottage. You think she'd be mad about it... Technically you didn't cheat... but... you know what you did was kind of iffy.

 

Are you really sure you are over these problems with her?

[ForumGuy]

I wouldn't lie to her about it. If by some chance the topic was brought up I wouldn't hide anything

Bingo. If you bring it up, she will wonder why, if there is nothing to it.

[Casmut]

We broke up because she decided that the distance was to hard, even though I would have moved to be with her.

 

We are supposed to move in together towards the end of the year, and until that happens i might have my doubts since she can be the type to not follow though with what she says. This doesn't mean i am going to cheat, it simply means i fear losing her again until something is concrete.

[Casmut]

Also i think the fact that I haven't smoked a cigarette in the past 4 days has made me very edgy.

[civilservant]

I'm torn, because I don't think it was cheating, but I would tell, since if she finds out by other means you'll be in a world of hurt.

[Casmut]

It just doesn't seem like there is anything to tell, I don't feel i did anything wrong. Yet i feel like i am doing wrong by my girlfriend. I love her so much, i am so scared of losing her again..i fought so hard for her.

[DN]

What was her wrongdoing?