Confused to say the least

[Brummie]

Some other peoples insight would be appreciated, trued to keep it brief but its all important.

 

I am a normal straight English guy and met a straight Norwegian woman in 2007, we fell in love, she moved to England, got pregnant several months later, we were both over the moon. A few weeks later i was coming home from work to tears that she wanted to go home. I finally relented after a week and said i would move with her to Norway, the tears then stopped. She went home at 8 months pregnant, while i was working my 3 month notice, I sold everything, and finally quit my job. I made the birth only just thank god, and it was the happiest day of my life seeing my son born. I returned to England to finish my last month at work after paternity and holiday combo allowed me to spend the first month with them. Everything was just fine.

 

I moved there as soon as possible and we were so happy. She wanted to marry me and have 2 more childeren. She adored me, worshiped the ground i walked on, i couldn't go anywhere without her, i adored her and loved her to bits. I was trying to get a job but the language barrier was a real problem and indeed not what i had been told, amongst other things. We had our ups and downs, but the downs were never that bad, they were small hurdles.

 

When i first met her she was arguing with her best friend, a lesbian woman as she only saw her when she seemed to want something, or indeed if her lesbian relationahip had broken down. My girlfriend gave her an ultimatum saying friends dont do that to each other blah blah blah. They saw each other for a while and she came around once or twice a week. That changed again when she met someone else, and it was all quiet from her. She met a married woman with 3 kids who then split from the guy, gave him custurdy and moved in with my gf's friend. They sought out a sperm donar on the black market...amazing but true, and my gf's friend gave birth to a son 6 months before we had our son. Poor little fella when he finds that out when he is older he will go mad, he will never know his father. The two women got married in secret, not sure how official it all was, but not my business. Their relationship ended in January 2011 very very badly, it was all a bit messy and over the next three months my gf would be with her sometimes and go and work out etc with her friend.

 

I went to England 1st April 2011 for three weeks to visit my parents alone. I got back and instantly noticed something was really wrong. She was late picking me up at the airport...unheard of, the didnt get out the car to great me, unheard of, she was quiet and didnt say much. I was getting a little worried now, but left it to see how it went on. The following morning, i pressed her for what was wrong. I asked the fatal question, "is your heart still in our relationship?" after a long pause and she replied "no", whilst hiding behind sunglasses. She said she had lost her feelings for me and has lost herself and needs time to rediscover herself and didnt know if the split is permenant or not. Within that conversation i asked if there was someone else, and her body language failed on a huge scale, and i knew instantly she was lying. In the blink of an eye she had decided her future, our sons future and my future and i didn't get any say in it at all. As i didnt have a job or anywhere to go, and no entitlement to support in Norway i had to book a flight back to England and am crashing at my parents again.

 

In the following week we exchanged emails and texts and facebook messages, but i couldnt get to the bottom of it and was trying my hardest to get it resolved and to make her to see sense. Her parents and family were devestated and so were mine, it has cut me deeply and hurt me really bad. it wasnt working so i backed off and left her alone, if i pushed anymore i thought it would just damage the situation further. My Norwegian neighbours and friends called me to ask how i was doing. She went onto to say she was so shocked especially as she spoke my gf 5 days before i was due home from my visit and my gf was saying, i love him, miss him and cant wait to see him at the end of the week, thats what she said to our friends the neighbour, who always popped round for coffee and a smoke at least once a day. My neighbour went onto say that my gf's lesbian friend had been staying there for those 5 days before i got home, that didnt alarm any of us as my gf has always said she is hetro. But as soon as i was given the boot and returned to England, the lesbian was straight back round and stayed the whole week. Still the alarm bells were not ringing. I thought she had maybe met someone at work being a bartender, you get to meet loads of people.

 

My gf had an account on my laptop and it automattically logs into MSN messenger which in turn provides access to her hotmail account. So i started to monitor it, i know i would find something eventually. It wasn't long i was logging in there were messages from another English guy that i knew liked her and he didnt like me much as i got the girl... But that turned out to be a red herring, as into the mailbox came a copy of a facebook message that sent my head spinning. From her lesbian friend, ".....i would sooner be back over to kiss you more......blah blah blah". This was not enough, I needed more and the next night came a lengthy love letter with all sorts of quotes half in Norwegian and half in English, it was titled "everything i have said and done in the last 3 weeks". I looked at the dates and sure enough 3 weeks back was the exact date she split with me. One part read, that she "dreads and longs for the day were they are not secret anymore". I was shellshocked and did and said nothing, i looked in the mailbox the following night and bang it finished me off, in my gf's sent items folder there was a bunch of pictures that she sent to her lesbian friend of them kissing from her phone via hotmail. I downloaded them and put them in a word document along with the other previous messages. Oddly the kisses looked fake, no passion, no opened mouthed kisses, just looked like they were staged for the camera, but they existed so, ok im screwed now i thought.

 

Either way she lied so much to me, to her parents and everyone else for that matter, and when i presented the evidence, all hell broke loose, i couldn't allow her parents to sit and wonder what it was that i have done that is so bad and terrible that has made her split with him, separate him from their son and ultimately sent him to another country with guilt to boot. So i emailed them the document as well as her. My bad, dont care, the truth is far more important. Her parents are gutted, and she is having a very tough time with her dad now. I never did it to hurt anyone, but i felt it had to be done, and i am the one that is hurt here. She is still lying now, she is trying to tell me that they are just friends, and the same to her parents, she seems to forget what i have found out and that i also still speak to the neighbours. she snapped at me one day saying she is not gay, she is just drawn to her friend, i find that amazing to be honest, that she isnt gay yet finds her way to be with a gay woman. It all doesnt make sense. She eventually told me what happened, my gf had a vivid dream about her lesbian friend at the beginning of march, and couldnt get it out of her mind, as time passed she realised it wasn't just a dream, she told her friend end of march blah blah blah. the rest is history if that is in fact the truth.

 

Amazingly 5 weeks after this we are still friends and i have found it within myself to forgive her, she is coming here in 4 weeks time for 2 weeks with our son for a visit, but i know from facebook, her lesbian is trying everything she can to stop her coming, and she is trying to get me to react badly of pictures of her and my son, lesbian love songs being posted on my gf's wall, the lot.

 

Does this sound like my gf has been played? I have a feeling my gf has been manipulated in ways she doesnt even know about. Seeds planted months ago etc, and at the right moment, seized the opportunity, namely after the dream, if there ever was a dream.

 

To go from being so in love with me, wanting to marry me and having 2 more kids with me to this, to me is just so bizarre i find it hard to comprehend her behaviour. I would like to hear what some of you can make of it all, as i am at a loss.

[Daligal83]

It sounds like she is very confused about her sexuality and doesn't know what to do about it. It's possible that this is a brand new discovery that she is attracted to women and doesn't know if she is a lesbian or bisexual. Or it's something that she's been ignoring for a long time. It just seems like she's lost a bit...which leaves you lost. You can't figure out what happened really if she's not even sure.

[DN]

It doesn't matter if she was a lesbian or bi - she is still a selfish liar and a cheater and someone who has separated her child from its father.

 

if it were not for the child you should divorce and move on as soon as possible but as it is you should fight for as much access to your child as possible.

 

I hope you have a good lawyer.

[Je2011]

I'm sorry to hear that, You talk a lot about the way she acted for you, but how did/do feel about her. I agree the situation is a pretty messed up one. I think maybe she was presented with a new opportunity that has never arisen before, and through their friendship, had given it a try. I think she does need to come to grips with her sexuality. I don't think a total split is the right way to go until you evaluate your feelings, as she should do the same. What really needs to be done is a long discussion with truthfulness from both side. Tell her you really need to talk about everything, and don't spare any feelings. Honesty is the best way to go. I hope it all works out.

[Brummie]

Je2011,

 

My feelings for her are as strong as ever. She is the love of my life. But i now know i have lost her, it all seems hopeless now. She is with her friend in a relationship now but is trying to hide that from her parents etc, my old neighbour sees everything so i know they are together in some form. It has been 11 weeks now since she gave me up for her.

She visits me in 3 weeks with our son and we will talk a great deal i suppose, but i think i have to let go and get on with my life as her future is with her friend especially as she has told me a few of their plans, which is putting me off fighting for her.

[HappyFlow]

You must still have hope, because a true love is a war, not a battle. After you find yourself cornered once, bring yourself out and be confident. I really think that her friend is those * * * * * y types that tries to get everything she wants. She wanted a kid, asking for your own, then she got something from a spermdoner whenever she couldn't get past your gf. There must have been something wrong with her to have a single mother turn her down. You know your opponent, go and win her heart back.

[scottdal]

Remember why you fell in love with her, cherish the memories you have and be glad to have her and your son in your life. Let her do and be who she needs to be and as long as it does not endanger your son it's okay to let her be. Your time has been and gone for nowv anyways. So it's up to you both to decide if and when it will be on again, at the same time it will be up to you to ultimately decide whether it is right when all is said and done. Give her the space she needs and be there for her as any friend would. Take this opportunity to have some fun for dating and getting to know others but I would say most of all nurture your relationship with your son. I wish you only the best in your future.

[Brummie]

Thank you for your wise words. I too have come to the conclusion that i need to give her space, and i am taking away the memories with me on my travels into a new future. I try to look ahead and be positive, but it is not easy, in fact now, today and the last few months have been my most difficult in my life.

 

I do wish her well. However i am not doing so well right now myself. I am hollow, a shadow of my former self.

 

I know time is a healer, but right now i am so sad it is beyond words. So so so sad.

[lukeb]

It seems to me you were less interested in the truth and more interested in hurting her back. When you write: "... and I am the one who is hurt here." is very telling. You met, there was chemistry there, and she got pregnant a few months later. It wasn't long after when she moved back to Norway. I think that you have the right for your son to know you, just like you are obligated at least morally to pay child support. I am not sure what the legalities are with your son growing up in another country. She doesn't really owe you anything more. Just because you made a baby with her, it doesn't mean that you have to be together now for the rest of your life. You guys didn't get married or made a life long commitment to each other. You had no right to snoop through her mail, you had even less right to email that document to her parents. They are not your parents they are her parents. It was mean and vindictive, the reason why you did it was to hurt her back. Probably not a smart thing to do if you hope to have a relationship with your son already difficult when he is growing up in Norway. I am not exactly sure what is going on with your ex and this woman, but whatever it is it is none of your business.