Finally Some Closure

[wllmsbmwf1]

Long time lurker here. Here's my story. Just trying to vent. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcomed.

 

Me and my ex of 5-1/2 years (she is a senior in college) broke up 2 months ago. Long story short: She said she wanted to be friends but I asked if she would like to work on us and make it work. She said she was unsure about what she wanted, needed time for herself. Tried NC, did the staying in touch, she really wouldn't initiate contact in the last month. So I kept being passively persistent while working on myself and being a better person for myself. Asked her to meet 4 different times over the past 2 months after talking and seeming to reconnect, she would agree then cancel at the last minute and have 4 different excuses not to meet. I finally got fed up 2 days ago and laid it all out there. That if we were friends I would like to stay in touch and maybe hang out to rekindle our relationship. Basically got a response of "I can't trust you emotionally as a close friend, and im open to having a relationship with someone else, but I don't want to hurt you or you to hate me." Immediately sent up red flags. I then asked for clarification on some things and got a response of "We just need to see how it goes". Something told me it wasn't right, something was amiss. So, tonight I went by her place and she wasn't home so I waited. Til 1:30 she comes in with this other guy, they go straight upstairs to the bedroom and he didn't leave after. So they have been together for some time but I was still strung along.

 

I'm glad I finally know what's going on but I don't understand how you can say you're planning a wedding with someone that you've been with for 5-1/2 years and tell them you love them and then do this. I don't think it was all a lie, (but i believe looking back she had started to distance herself from me and actually wanted to date other people). (I mean if she didn't want me to hate her then what did she expect to happen when I did find out?) Then, tell them you're unsure about getting back together, no YES or NO decision in any conversation I've had with her since the break up and then less than 2 months later be in another intimate relationship while stringing me along? I would have taken the NO and rejection graciously and we might have been able to salvage a tenuous friendship with someone you spent the last 5-1/2 years with. But now it feels like my whole world has been turned upside down... white is black, down is up, what is real?... how can someone who said they loved you for that long do something like this? without the common courtesy of telling you they really want to date other people by coming out and being straight up and saying it. How can someone so soon jump straight into the sack with another guy? It's obvious she was interested in him for a while and when the breakup happened it was the opportunity... but its just so devastating... everything you thought was reality was a lie...

 

I am feeling better and really believe I did everything I could after the breakup to get her back, and have learned some valuable lessons for relationships in the future... I'm completing the process of totally moving on from her and will actually complete the process of closure when I confront her, but it's just tough... i guess you really don't know someone the way you think you know them.

[KittyBoo]

Dumpers don't like the uncomfortable feelings that come with being honest about how they feel. As long as she wasn't telling you the truth then she didn't have to deal with how you might react.

 

Why do you feel you need to confront her? It will likely cause an argument and it won't change anything. Rigt now she knows you want her back. So if you were to just stop all communications without ever saying anything about what you know then she may wonder what happened. Should things not work out with the new guy and then she wants you back then you will be able to tell her calmly that you no longer want to be with her and ask her to leave you alone. She will be left asking herself what happened.

[elcie]

It's possible that your ex didn't want to completely cut ties with you until she was more sure about what the situation was with the new guy.

 

Whatever the situation, in my opinion, it would be better if you stop initiating contact with her. Concentrate on making the steps to heal yourself without the confusion she is causing you with her mixed messages.

[lavenderdove]

Most dumpers will do anything to avoid telling you they are leaving you to date someone new. They avoid that by saying the kind of things she said, nebulous references but refusals to be pinned down. She already KNOWS it will hurt you to find out, so as she said, she doesn't want to hurt you BUT people can be quite selfish when pursuing a new person they have an attraction to... so they try to sneak away in a way they hope doesn't look bad for them or hurt you as much, and that involves hiding their new attraction to someone else. Doesn't mean what they do is right, but it is the usual way people behave when they leave you for someone else.

 

Also, you are very young to think about settling down, and she probably decided that she just wanted to date more before settling down and marrying someone... also quite common at your age, where high school/college sweethearts break up when school is nearing its end.

 

There is no point in confronting her because she will just get angry and defensive and already feels justified in doing what she did they way she did, or she wouldn't have done it to begin with.

 

So if you have any business to settle with her, focus on the business winding up loose ends rather than trying to engage her in emotional discussion (i.e., exchanging things if she still has your stuff, but not confronting her since it will do no good).

[wllmsbmwf1]

Thanks for the responses guys, I appreciate it.

 

I still need to get the rest of my stuff from her place, just winding up loose ends. Although it still does hurt that she would act this way... what's sad is that her parents seperated and started to get divorced back in Feb. because her dad had been pursuing after another woman while leading her mother on that everything was fine and great... so to see her act similar to her dad is just stunning.