Seeing a friends Ex/ Drama

[toxicspirit]

So I was living with a friend of mine up until about a month ago, during the last few months I've come out of a long term relationship and my friend and her partner grew apart and decided to end things 2 or so months ago. They had been together about 6 yrs or so. I've known the guy she was with since they were together and when I lived with her she would often ignore him and do her own thing and we got to know each other well during this time.

 

Since moving out of the house with my friend I've spent time with her ex and we get along really well. He has mentioned to her about this and she's flipped a switch over it and said she wouldn't speak to either of us if anything happened between us. I understand how she feels I would feel the same initially anyway. Anyway we both realise that theres more to it than just being friends and it's making things very difficult as he's very considerate of her feelings to the point where he won't stand up for himself and even agreed he wouldn't see me to keep her happy.

 

Not sure what to do here, I do feel bad for what's happened but I also realise you can't help how you feel and I've made it clear to him that if you think about her feelings too much she will eventually move on and be happy with someone else and he will be left with nothing. She's very worried about what people will say to her etc which is ridiculous as people soon move on and couldn't care less. We didn't set out to hurt her but I think it's very selfish to make him feel like he has to chose between me and nothing basically as she doesn't want him. I was also always one to say that it would be just wrong to do this but you really don't know what you would do when you find yourself in this situation. What do you guys think?

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

Well the two have a long history - six years is a long time being together and cannot just be switched off after only two months. Sounds like he's a decent guy who doesn't want to hurt his ex - in your own admission, you'd be hurt if things were the other way round. It's possible they still have feelings for each other and could well get back together then you'll lose both and end up looking like an idiot. Better to give it time - if he wants to be with you down the road when he's ready to do what's best for him regardless of the ex's feelings, let him make that move. At the moment, you're being selfish by wanting him at the expense of your friend's feelings and his feelings of not wanting to hurt her. Things would be simpler if you weren't her friend to start with.

 

I suggest you leave it. After two months of his break up, emotions are still raw and if you ask him to choose...chances are he'll not chose you. Spare yourself the heartbreak.

[Sim54]

Do you care about this friend? You don't talk about the fact that you will lose her if you go out with her ex. I don't know how close you are with this friend, but it's an unwritten rule that you never go out with a friends ex. It's just not done, there are plenty of people out there, and you might not help how you feel, but you can help how you behave.

[DN]

I think the unwritten rule that you can't go out with a friend's ex is childish and ridiculous. If two people can find happiness together then the fact that one of them went out with a former friend should not hinder them. It's pure selfishness on the part of the ex like a child who doesn't want a toy any longer but doesn't want anyone else to have it either.

[Sim54]

Well, depends on the person really doesn't it, and how soon since the breakup? I wouldn't mind if i was over them, but if I wasn't then i would expect my friend to respect my feelings on the matter.

[DN]

Well, depends on the person really doesn't it, and how soon since the breakup? I wouldn't mind if i was over them, but if I wasn't then i would expect my friend to respect my feelings on the matter.

Two people have a chance of maybe finding happiness with each other for the rest of their lives and they have to forgo the opportunity because an ex wants veto power? So they lose their chance and eventually the ex finds someone else and has the happiness he or she denied two other people. Seems pretty selfish to me.

[Sim54]

Depends if you care about your friends or not.

[catfeeder]

Two people have a chance of maybe finding happiness with each other for the rest of their lives and they have to forgo the opportunity because an ex wants veto power? So they lose their chance and eventually the ex finds someone else and has the happiness he or she denied two other people. Seems pretty selfish to me.

 

I agree in principle. I just don't think fresh breakups produce rational people. Two months is probably a bit early to expect a close friend to be ready, able and willing to freely and cleanly fork over his or her ex after a 6 year relationship. Two months is probably too early to consider either ex to be relationship material.

 

Grief has tentacles. I doubt many would encourage a friend or loved one to get involved with a widow or widower who lost a partner a mere 2 months ago--and that's not about morality, it's practical. And that's just about competing with a ghost. Add a living, breathing, hostile ex to that mix, and sure, the sparks might fly--but at whose expense?

 

Ex partners do get back together. I'd set this up better. I'd let the newly 'liberated' partner know that I'm interested in openly dating if he's still available in 6 months or so, and he's completely over and free and clear of the ex. Until then I'm walking away, and I'd trust that if this is going to work out someday, it will.

[DN]

Depends if you care about your friends or not.

Exactly my point. Thanks. Why deprive a friend of happiness just because they want to be with your ex when you aren't with them anymore.

[Sim54]

Exactly my point. Thanks. Why deprive a friend of happiness just because they want to be with your ex when you aren't with them anymore.

And why deliberately rub your new 'happiness' with your friends ex in their freshly broken hearted face. Seems pretty selfish to me.

[90_hour_sleep]

i agree with this theory that it should be okay. and in a conceptual world where people are completely rational an adept at the skill of letting go...it probably would be okay.

 

i don't think we live in that world though. and as far has human beings are concerned...this feels like bad form as a friend. if -- IF -- it's obvious that a friend will not be okay with this...then maybe that should be the priority. it may be selfish of the friend to expect you to keep yourself at bay...but it's also in the nature of a friendship to recognize when a friend is in a state of emotional turmoil...and when to respect that.

 

maybe it comes down to asking oneself the question: will i pursue my own needs and happiness, or will i think first of the needs of my friend? there's no ''right'' answer to that question. only a personal choice. sometimes it's helpful to put yourself in the shoes of your friend...and reflect on the situation from that different vantage point.

[DN]

And why deliberately rub your new 'happiness' with your friends ex in their freshly broken hearted face. Seems pretty selfish to me.

The difference is that the new couple might have decades of happiness together versus a far shorter time for an ex to be unhappy about it. It's a question of scale.

 

If you knew it was just going to be a date or two then you would have a point. But most people don't know that. This is even more to the point when it is the dumper that wants the veto.

 

There are some things in life you just have to be an adult about and not succumb to fits of childishness even if you are hurting.