Am i being ungrateful or am I right?

[WAlien]

Long story cut short my bf's parents want me to treat them like my parents. Not in the good way.

 

They're asian and their culture is that when their kids get into a full time job, they usually buy them dinner but now they've been harassing me to buy them dinner. The other children's partners have never bought them dinner when they got full time jobs.

 

I think it's just cause I'm from the same country they immigrated from, they want me to treat them the same way. I half want to yell out "You're not my parents!" everytime they do it. Some of you might think it's in a good way but the commitment-phobic part of me is yelling out in agony.

 

Really, if it comes down to buying them dinner, it's really not hard at all and i can afford it but it's the principle that I don't like. I was thinking how much better it'll make me feel to chuck money to my bf and get him to take them out instead. Yes, it pisses me off so much. And i fear this will set precedent for other things since the mother is already asking me on the sly to buy her branded bags and stuff in her own language so her son (my bf) can't understand what she's asking me to do. She also teases me in her own language so my bf doesn't understand. It got so bad I burst into tears once and when my bf intervened, she made up some story about how i misunderstood her.

 

I should grow a backbone and talk back to her.

 

But, for now, am I being sensitive about this or should I just suck it up and buy them dinner so they'd leave me alone.

 

Note: No I don't live with them. I visit my bf in their house ocassionally

[lavenderdove]

Time to encourage the BF to move out. And if he doesn't stand up to his parents, you need to seriously consider whether you would marry someone who is so enmeshed with his parents. He might well expect them to live with you, and you'd be stuck with them for the next 30+ years. Don't get serious with him if you don't think you can tolerate his parents or that he won't stand up to his parents or live separately from them.

 

Buying them dinner now and again isn't the real issue, it is that you are worried these people will always be demanding and up front messing in your life, and they may well be if he expects to care for them in his home and financially forever.

[WockaWocka]

What an awful situation, with his parents taking advantage of the fact that you speak a language he doesn't to press you for favors.

The kinds of things they're asking you for are wildly inappropriate and they only feel comfortable doing it because of the language issue.

I'd say as a first line of defense try to coax them out of the habit of these private conversations by responding in English whenever they talk to you in their native language. Make sure your response hints at the question. For example the Mom asks you for an expensive purse and you respond in English "Maybe that's something [boyfriend/son's name] can get for you." Or "I don't even buy those kinds of things for myself." This not only shames them a bit but it also puts your boyfriend in a situation where he can intervene. He can do so much more effectively as it's happening rather than finding out afterwards.

 

Whether or not he is willing to stand up to his parents will speak volumes about the viability of a long-term relationship with him. But first he has to know about what's going on, and I think responding to his parents in English will help enormously. They really shouldn't be asking you for things like this.

 

If you do decide to take them out to dinner I'd be sure to make it seem as if your boyfriend is the one paying the bill, even if it's with money you've given him in advance. That way he always acts as the intermediary and they don't get used to seeing you as the provider.

 

Cheers.