Stuck in this weird limbo place....

[annieperson]

Hi All

 

Well I havent posted in a few weeks. I told my story some time ago and so dont want to go into it again but the big picture is..

 

We have been together for almost 18 years. Married for 15 of those years. We both thought we found our best friends. Had the kids, the mortgages and all that life brings with it. For the most part it was really good and we kept going forward but somewhere along the way we lost all the reasons we were together. Split up in 07 and it was terrible. we decided to reconcile 7 months later and it worked for a little while but then I'm not sure what happened. He thought I didnt want to be together anymore, I thought he didnt so the relationship once again died. We split again in Nov of last year. but once again I dont realize consequences until it happens and I went into a huge depression. Everything from panic attacks to not getting out of bed for days. I would call him balling my eyes out begging him to get back together. basically i gave him all the power. I would then try to pretend I was tough and go NC for a couple days only to find an excuse to text or call him. It has not been a fun journey.

 

He just acts like he doesnt care that we arent together. We have had some opportunities to have those deep talks and he says how destroyed he is and how he will never love anyone again and that I was his soul mate. When I ask him if he thinks we can ever reconcile again he says he doesnt think so bc he just doesnt want to go through all that pain again. I totally understand what he means but if we are so miserable apart then why arent we together????

 

he just makes it look so effortless! I always seemed to be the one waiting for him to call or text me and I would always jump whenever he called. I gave him all the power.

 

Well here I am today. I am no longer depressed and dont hide out in my apt every day. My phone is no longer glued to my hip waiting for him to call and I do enjoy doing things with my friends but I am still so friggin lonely and I miss him sooo much. What I can't figure out is if I want to be back together with him specifically or do I want to be with "someone".I still love him so much and we still see each other at least once a week. I know that it would not be fair to bring any new person in to this drama and the thought of being with anyone else is terrifying! I have been with the same man for almost half my life!

 

I am stuck in limbo right now and dont know where to go from here......