Ready to throw in the towel

[OlderandWiser]

This is my first post and I am just looking for others opinion on my current situation. I am 48 and my girlfriend is 35 with a 14 year old son. Being a single parent, she has to juggle her schedule a lot and I understand that. She lives next door to her parents and her son spends the majority of his time with them. My dilemma is this; whenever I want to spend some alone time, the child is always around. We have been dating for 3 years and it seems that he is always around whenever I am there. I enjoy my time with him but I also need some time with my g/f alone. She rarely comes to my place which bothers me as well. I have been on business for the past week getting back home last night. Tonight was the first time she and I have been together in a week and when I arrive, her son is there and she is in dirty clothes from being outside all day. She never showered and then fell asleep on the couch at 8. Is it wrong of me to feel unappreciated? This is pretty much the norm. I would appreciate others insight. Thank you.

[Mustachio]

I dont think its wrong of you to feel unappreciated. But it does not seem like she is purposefully trying to make you feel this way either. Communication is always important in a relationship and I wonder if you have sat her down and talked to her about this. Even if you have, I would try and bring it up and again and let her know how it makes you feel, otherwise, you can either just accept it and deal with it or as you say, throw in the towel and move on to better things where your need will be met.

[DN]

Have you talked to her about this? If you have and nothing changes then it is time to walk away. If you haven't, then tell her your feelings in a non-aggressive and non-accusatory way and see what she says

[OlderandWiser]

DN, I have brought this up several times and I am always non accusatory about it. She has a way of flying off the handle when I approach a subject she doesn't want to discuss, which I feel puts a damper on our ability to communicate. I feel as if she does not appreciate me sometimes and call me old school but, when you get up to leave my house, I get up and walk you to the door. Last night as always, she remained seated and waited for me to give her a kiss goodbye. Never moved from the spot she had been sitting in. Our intimacy has dropped off to every other week and I can't help but think maybe she just has me around as a friend.

[lavenderdove]

Well, if you were married or living together her son would be around all the time too! So this is something you need to work around or accept. She and the kid are a package deal and you can't live in a perpetual state of dating without the kid being involved.

 

It sounds like you want a more formal dating arrangement with old school rules, like she and you go out alone together or see each other alone without her kid around, or she walks you to the door like you're a guest rather than a member of the family who comes and goes as he pleases. That is very old school in fact to expect her to walk you to the door after 3 full years of dating. You should be considered 'family' at this point who doesn't need an escort to the door.

 

And if you're only having sex every other week, then you do need to speak up and talk to her about finding more ways to be together, whether that is sleepover at her house or yours. It sounds like though after 3 years you're at the point where you need to make a decision to live together so that things like having sex are easier since you're in the same bed every night, or else decide you don't want to do that because you don't want her kid around or for her to split the attention between a child and you. If that's the case, then you should only date women without children or with grown children.

[DN]

DN, I have brought this up several times and I am always non accusatory about it. She has a way of flying off the handle when I approach a subject she doesn't want to discuss, which I feel puts a damper on our ability to communicate. I feel as if she does not appreciate me sometimes and call me old school but, when you get up to leave my house, I get up and walk you to the door. Last night as always, she remained seated and waited for me to give her a kiss goodbye. Never moved from the spot she had been sitting in. Our intimacy has dropped off to every other week and I can't help but think maybe she just has me around as a friend.

IMO you should move on to someone who wants an equal and balanced relationship and is as attentive to you as you are to her.

 

I know she has a son but that doesn't excuse her behaviours.

[OlderandWiser]

I understand she has a child and I alos raised a son on my own. However, if my g/f had been away for a week and my child had been with me all week while she was away, I would make sure we had the house to ourselves the night she returned from her business trip, especially when the grandparents live next door. Also, why in the he@% would she be in dirty clothes and unshowered? Her son is a teenager and it was a Saturday evening. I expected more!

[lavenderdove]

^^

Maybe she was tired and didn't feel well... did you ask her why?

 

I think the real issue here is you feel she is not paying enough attention to you and you are not having enough sex, and you hoped she'd be ready for you and ready to have sex when you got back and she disappointed you.

 

You have to express what you want. And if you do express what you want and she never gives it to you, then perhaps you are not compatible and need to find a different woman who is more the dress up and go out kind rather than the get comfortable and relax at home with the kids kind. Some people are most happy at home snuggling and watching DVDs with the kids in their pajamas eating popcorn, and other people like to go out and wine and dine and dance on a Saturday night. Perhaps you and she are just not well matched that way. She may just be a real homebody type, and you like it a bit more formal and going out more.

[DN]

I understand she has a child and I alos raised a son on my own. However, if my g/f had been away for a week and my child had been with me all week while she was away, I would make sure we had the house to ourselves the night she returned from her business trip, especially when the grandparents live next door. Also, why in the he@% would she be in dirty clothes and unshowered? Her son is a teenager and it was a Saturday evening. I expected more!

I agree with you. But imagine if you were married to her - never going out without the kids along, always casual to the point of grubbiness, never making you feel in any way special or worth making an effort for. Who needs someone that uncaring in their life? At least now you can walk away without strings attached.

[Ms Darcy]

I COMPLETELY agree. I had an ex who wanted to be greeted at the door, even after two years of dating. that surprised me because he had a key and would let himself in. Anyway, communication is extremely important. If you feel you cannot talk to her about this, it may be best to move on.

 

Also, maybe you can date women closer to your age. You two seem like you are in different life stages as well.