Need help tonight

[donpeel83]

So, its 3 am. No make that 4.30am and im wide awake because tonight I found out the one thing that hurts the second most after being dumped. SHe has someone else.I know hes from Kidderminster some 25 miles away so i can only assume she met him off the tinternet but i needed to pour my heart and soul out tonight because I feel so low.

 

Heres the low down/recap. We were together for 18 months and she dumped me 10 days after her birthday because she wasnt sure if she "was in love with me".

 

Overall the relationship was good, and she even admitted to as much. She even admitted I was a catch, a good looking guy with a heart of gold who had the potential to go places. I stepped up to the plate to be like a dad to her kid. I had an operation to improve our sex life. I bent over backwards. Then she eneded it and 3 months later shes with someone else. Now, heres the part where I know ENA lovers will berate me. I found out via facebook. A mutual friend we both share (who i stupidly re-added) was tagged in a location post and from there I saw two other people were tagged. One was a girl I know, and the other was a guy who i didnt know. I then stupidly drove to her house (1 hours drive away) and saw a silver convertabile parked outside her house (in the same spot that use to be mine) and I knew from his facebook profile pic that he had a convertabile and in silver. So from that I put two and two togeether and got to the conclusion that she is now sleeping with someone else. This would explain why she statred going cold on the texts to me over the last few weeks, since end of May. She would still text me, i had randoms "I miss you" in April, texts asking if i was free to speak beggining of may and then Mid may a text from her that simply said "X".

 

Now Im left feeling truly heartbroken. Deep down I had a desire to be with her still. But, now she is seeing someone else I guess I should kill that hope off right? Im just after support and wisdom tonight please. Ive been an idiot with driving to hers I know. But I just feel lied to when she said to me she didnt want anyone right now but here she is 3 months later and she has someone else?!?!?!?xxx

[Xylitol]

You were truelly in love, so don't be so hard on yourself. Its easy to make mistakes when you are in love, you went further then you should have had, Its just a conveyor belt and in this case you invested more into it then you should have had, but that's all knowledge in the rear, in the future try to become as smart as possible to prevent this kind of disaster in the future. Make more sure wether someone is worth the investment or not. Only spend your time on people who are worth it, especially don't invest in people who are simply not in love with you, you'll notice the people who are really in love with you, will come towards you.

[nsomnia912]

Dude....I had 3 years with mine...she was lying to me about a guy...I left her...less than 2 weeks she's in a relationship with him....moving accross.country to he with him and work.....

 

She was securing him while stringing me along.....then blames me fir the ended relationship...

 

He lived the in this state she visited just weeks prior for a conference...

The whole time she was there we talked and texted and talked about our future...she comes back and all downhill from there....

 

It's hard...they are cold...and selfish...I'm over a month nc and I get sick to my stomach....read my full story for all details..

 

But hang in there it'll get better....be thankful your not with someone who can flip their emotions like that....

[Mustachio]

Why would anyone here berate you for something that hurts you? You already know you shouldn't have looked, lesson learned.

 

As hard as it is to see, this is actually a good thing for your healing journey. Its going to hurt and its going to be painful for a little while, but when the initial shock wears off I think you are going to find that you are tired of hurting this way and really and truly start taking steps to move on with your life. And while that day is still going to suck, when you look back on the day you finally started turning things around you will probably remember it as one of your better days in this whole ordeal.

 

In terms of the lying. They all say stuff like that. Its not meant to be truthful, its meant to shield us from a worse truth and shield them from the guild of having to lay that worse truth on us.

[Someday_Soon]

Were you guys fighting or arguing much? Was there any sign whatsoever that things were going bad? That sound awfully cold of her to just drop you and start sleeping with someon else. Perhaps it is one of her ex's? One thing I usually tell people in relationships, is that if both sides aren't giving equally to the quality of the relationship, something bad is going to happen. The one doing all the work is either going to tire of doing everything, or the one receiving all the attention is going to become bored and look for a new high somewhere else.

[Aqua066]

Listen donpee don't beat yourself up over doing the drive-by. I hate to admit it but in the beginning of my breakup I did the same thing. It was the only way I could get closure or any damn information as to why my ex had pulled away from me. I have to admit it probably did more bad than good. It always brought those terrible feelings of the breakup, betrayal, her pulling away from me, her starting to date another guy... it sucked. I've learned that the best way to get through this was to completely cut out any type of interaction with her... yes, that also includes the drive-by's or trying to run into her at work (I'll never do either EVER again). It only makes things a million times worse and its like you go back to the beginning each time.

 

What you have to do is just go NC.. for real. No more drive-by's, no more checking facebook friends or whatever. You need to cut it out. It hurst too much! You need to think about yourself now. Work-out, stay busy, do whatever you can to occupy yourself. If you do anything other than NC right now its only gonna push her even farther away. Just focus on you. I try to every single day to do one thing that will make me a better person whether its working out, or getting my teeth whitened (just started that today), write a song (I play guitar), read a book or whatever... It helps a lot. For one it keeps you occupied so you're not thinking as many negative thoughts.

 

Hang in there. Stay strong. You'll get through this.

[donpeel83]

Hi guys thanks for the posts, much appreciated.

 

However, ive been thinking. Do I actually know if this guy is her new fella? I think last night i was too hasty to assume this that and the other. End of the day I saw a car outside her house and I knew she was out drinking. Also, I need to start telling myself.....do I really care?? Well clearly I do, but I know I ned to get a stage where by I dont care at all.

 

To answer some questions - we didnt really argue at all. A few little mini flare up like normal but nothing like major. Itdid feel like it was me putting all the effor in though as it was always me driving to see her, always me jumping through hoops to make things better etc. Hell, as mentioned above I even went to hospital to have an operation to improve our sex life as she wanted a baby.

 

I think what scares me is ive exhibited behaviour like this before and I need to really work at stopping it and moving on. At the same time I also still deep deep down wish that reconcilliation might happen which I know is a crazy idea xx

[hazelnut321]

Reconciliation isn't a crazy idea, Donpeel8- it's a rational one. If you two got along as well as you stated and your sex life was on the mend, then GIVE HER SOME TIME ALONE and see what happens.

 

I've done a couple of drive by's and parking around the corner, etc in my earlier years. All it caused was more heartbreak and angst. If she does have someone new, what good is it to get your emotions is such a state- (not to mention your blood pressure) when you do all this checking up.

 

Make the conscious decision not to do that anymore. You have to take care of YOU. You have absolutely no control over what she is going to do, so it's fruitless to spend that kind of energy on stalking.

 

It will all roll out the way it is intended to. Maybe you will be back together in 6 months--- or not. But if not, you seem like the kind, attentive type of guy that will find another soon.

[donpeel83]

Thanks hazel. Im not pinning all my hope to reconciliation. I know there were things about me that annoyed her, like my maturity levels and me being laid back so all i can do is work on those things and hope that in the future she sees me as a different man.

 

But, i just need to try and move on. So hard thouh. I couldnt sleep last night at all and everytime i tried to sleep she was in my mind and thoughts. Its annoying because we split about 14 weeks ago. I think i realise now why she has gone cold on me too. I do think she kept me there hanging purely as her back up in case nothing else materalised with another person. And, shes gone cold because there is someone else there now for her to spend time with etc.