I need someone to talk to/help

[blahx2]

I've thought about killing myself for a few years now, when I was a teenager, I didn't think I would live past 21 - since I always planned on killing myself by then. I am 23 and all I want to do is die. I have had my heart ripped out by a guy I loved and spent 2 and a half years, with I thought he loved me too but it was all a lie. I have nothing to live for now. My parents and family will move on, so I don't feel bad about leaving them, my friends will soon forget about me. So really I have nothing to live for. I have please my parents already by going to university and getting the education they wanted me to get. I have never been able to follow my dreams and do what I wanted to do. I don't even know who I am, what I like, what makes me happy. All I know is what other people have me to believe, I have no special talents, I'm not special, I'm just me mediocre in every way. I just need to find the strength to take my own life. Life has no meaning when you have no one to talk to, to confide in, to trust with your most intimate secrets. I can't tell my parents, they are too judgemental to understand and I'm pretty sure my friends don't care. I wish I could die in my sleep or something, that way I could be dead without killing myself.

[Blue Skittles]

You are soooo young, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you! I used to feel like this when I was your age, especially after finishing university and I had no direction as to where things were going to go, I mean, I was working at Home Depot. I didn't think I had much of a life of anything. I had many suicidal thoughts. I even tried overdosing a couple times. But I can tell you, things have changed drastically since then. I don't have a boyfriend/significant other or kids, which is something I always thought I would do. But I stopped playing into society's "you are only happy if you have a boyfriend" and started finding myself. At 28, I now have a career that I LOVE, I've paid off a lot of debts, I'm travelling this summer for the first time ever, I have REAL friends, and I'm happy. I even discovered things to work on... like training for triathlons and I lost 30 pounds, and I know I do things that make a difference in other people's lives. Today, I would never consider suicide, and I'm so glad I didn't give up when I was younger. If I could suggest anything, I would say to discover yourself and who you are. Make some goals. Get out there, keep busy, and meet new people. Go talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling, it will help. I KNOW things will change for you too, you just gotta give it time!

[nsomnia912]

It's not the answer....the next life or plane you go to maybe 100x worse for all we know... I too have thought that...family that doesn't care, divorced..recent bu with whom I thought was forever...I have cheated on and lied too so many times every girl moves onto another guy right after I'm left....best friend stole from me...I got 1 friend only who lives hours away...I'm in debt I'm 30 no kids, nothing but work going for me....

 

If you check out then how are you going to get all the great things that are waiting for you? All the hurt will be for nothing......your hurting...bit not a coward...stand tall! Life cant break you..

 

Life is suffering....but it is so much more

Let go of the pain...let the love in....volunteer, if you give up on yourself....put yourself into helping others...

[DanDee]

Simplify your life and your goals, you are putting way to much pressure on yourself. No wonder youre so sad when cant see clearly. Take one thing at a time and I think the first thing should be a decent job as this will give you independence and pride. Also, it really doesnt matter that you know what you want to do - most people dont and just end up falling into something. Heck, Im three years older and none the wiser.

 

Forget about relationships, focus on YOU for the time being and your strengths (we all have them). Try to carve out a life that isnt dependent on others' appreciation of you. All the very best.

[blahx2]

Thanks Blue Skittles and nsomnia, I know you guys are right and that there are things to live for.

 

Blue skittles: I'm glad to hear that your live has change. I am so directionless at the moment, I don't know what I want from life, all I want is to be happy. I need to get some REAL friends too - the ones I have are nice and all, but I know if I needed them they wouldn't be there.

 

It's really weird after my bout of depression when I was a teenager, I used to be happy, bubbly, I used to love life. But since my ex lied to me, betrayed me and basically hurt me more than I thought was imaginable I have lost all hope in life. I feel bad for all the hateful emails I had sent him and telling him that I hate him. I know I shouldn't let one person influence my life so much, but I feel so lifeless. I've stopped eating, I've lost heaps of weight in the past few weeks, I'm down to 49kg - I haven't been this weight since I was like 17.

 

Nsomnia you are right life is suffering, but I need to let the love in.

 

The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the hope of my future, one day I want to be a great lawyer and help lots of people. I want to have someone to love and children. I don't know if all that will happen for me, but it's the only thing keeping me here.

[blahx2]

Thanks Dandee. I am trying to find a job, one that I enjoy. I want to be able to focus on my strengths and myself, but I feel so worthless, like I don't even deserve to be alive. Part of me feels like God made a mistake when he made me.

[Realitynut]

I'm 56 and last month I was 99.99 percent sure I wanted to die, if only in my sleep. Now it's down to 30 percent wish I was dead. I just have silly thoughts, like when I was walking into the grocery store, and I had to stop for a car, I thought, I wish I could just walk in front of that car and it would kill me. Of course I'd just be maimed for the rest of my life!!

 

This is all because of the guy I thought was suppose to be mine for the rest of my life, left me for another woman. Of course I blame her. She knew he was engaged. But he was unhappy and was looking for a way out.

 

tonite I was driving home and thought, God must have a plan for me. There were so many times thru out my life that I was in such a close call in car accidents, I thought, God must keep me alive for a reason. I just can't figure out what that reason is. I told my mom today, I just feel like my life is passing me by. She said (she's 78) so what, doesn't everyone feel that way.? I said, no, before I had a purpose. I was in love. I had a home. a yard I worked on. A future I was planning on. I had a wedding dress bought. I was in a 20 yr loveless marriage before this, and finally in my 50's I was in love. I was so happy. sure it wasn't perfect...but I figured what life is??

 

Now I have nothing also. And I'm not young like you are. But I have to keep on believing God has a plan for me. Of course I thought God brought him to me...guess I was wrong. but I have to be on this earth for some reason...but what? You are on this earth for some reason also. sometimes I wonder if it was to bring my children into this world. And if not them, maybe THEIR children will accomplish something big in their lives. We have to believe we have a purpose.

 

I'm sorry I'm rambling....I just feel the same. It's only been 3 months and I am now out of the DEEP depression. but I have still cried daily. You still have a family to look forward to , a career. My life should be winding down. I've had my kids and they're gone. I've lost 2 homes I have worked on and made beautiful in 3 years. And now I live in a dump. Sometimes life isnt fair. But who said it was.

 

good luck. But I know how you feel when you can hardly get out of bed in the morning. You just ask yourself, whats the point. Hopefully the answer will come to us in the future. We just have to believe and trust in God and ourselves.

[Mustachio]

blahx, it sounds like you are level headed enough to make the right decision, and personally I just dont think that ending it all is.

 

You mention that you havent found your path in life. I get that, I really do. I am 27 and still dont have a clue as to what I want out of life. I have been struggling with college now for the past almost 10 years and still dont have my degree yet (I am close though!) and I will be honest, I feel like I am going to college only because it is what is expected of me and because it will help in getting a career type of job.

 

I have a few hobbies, one of which I am somewhat passionate about, photography. I still struggle to even find the desire and motivation to get myself out to do that. But I wonder, do you have anything you enjoy or are passionate about? Photography alone is enough for me to live for.

 

In the end though, I have never thought of killing myself. Because at the end of the day as crappy as things might be (and believe me, my first real relationship lasted 7 years, and ended so bad that I have never felt any worse pain in my life) I just cant imagine not being able to wake up tomorrow. Because you never know... tomorrow I might find my path. And if I dont, well maybe I will take a stunning photograph, maybe I can bring myself enjoyment in creating something to show others. And I would never want to give that up.

 

And even now after struggling my whole adult life to find my path, I know I will find a path in the end that makes me happy. And I know you will too, just dont give up the search.

[blahx2]

I totally get what you mean Realitynut - I was so blissfully happy before and then it all changed. I too wonder what the point of life is, if I can't figure out my plan and it just seems like I'm going about my life in a daze.

 

I'm glad you are out of depression. I cry daily too, I feel so lost and scared and have no idea what to do. You do have something to look forward to, you can make your new house a home, YOUR home, decorate it the way you want to, grow a garden - make it a home you are happy to live in.

 

I know there is a reason for each one of us to be here, I don't know what it is, but I hope that one day we will find it.

 

The only thing really keeping me out of sever depression is my gratitude. Whenever things are going completely horrible for me, I try to think of something to be grateful for. Usually it's my parents even though I feel that they don't care about me I still love them. I think you are very lucky that you still have your mum. All my grandparents are dead and my parents feel like orphans. You have your mum and your children to be grateful about, you have a house - it might not be what you want, but it's a roof over your head, that's more than some people have.

 

I know how relying on one person can ruin your life, I thought my life was complete with my boyfriend, but maybe God does have a better plan for us, maybe one day we will find our perfect match in every way. That's all I can hope for.

[Xylitol]

Why do you base your life on others instead of yourself? You are the basis of your life and you left it to rot and that's why you are feeling miserable, its because you aren't taking care of yourself and your own problems and only focus on the outside world and wanting them to live your life for you. But no one can live your life for you except you yourself, that's why you need to make something nice out of your own life with YOU as the basis, the other people around it are an addition to your life, not a replacement. Why don't you start doing something constructive with your life to ascend above your mediocre life?

[blahx2]

Mustachio: I do have hobbies, I enjoy sewing and knitting. As much as I enjoying doing those things lately I haven't done much of either of them. I want to find a more social hobby though. I don't meet many people and I would like to, although I am socially awkward and shy.

How did you overcome the pain from your breakup?

I will try not to give up my search, I guess I have just been disheartened?

 

Xylitol: I would like to live the life I want to, but I feel as though I'm obliged to do what my parents want of me since they raised me, cared for me and looked after me all these years. but you are right, I need to find a way to find myself and what I want out of life.

[Mustachio]

Well when it comes to photography I was right there where you are. I have folders on my computer organized by date. Every time I went out for a shoot I would create a folder. In 2005 I had 15 folders. 2006: 26, 2007: 6, 2008: 6, 2009: 1, 2010: 3, and 2011: 15 so far, with 13 since april. Its hard when you lack the motivation, as you can see I went an entire year without taking almost any photos, and it wasnt until this past april that I really started getting myself back into it. I went on a trip and remembered how much I loved it. If you dont have an external push to do it, give one to yourself and start doing it, maybe do them in a slightly different way than before, or try something new? And just because your hobby might not be the most social, I wouldnt give up on them. Photography is a relatively solitary hobby too, but I have met people through it and hopefully formed friendships. There are meetup groups you can find online for just about anything these days and I bet it would be a lot easier than you think to connect with others over your hobbies.

 

In terms of my breakup, well the breakup was in septermber of 2009 and I struggled for 6 months or so. I got over it by giving myself space and time and I just continued to live my life, tried some new things, rekindled friendships... I lived for myself and nobody else.

 

And I know it can be disheartening, I still feel that way and sometimes I feel like I am no closer to finding my answer than I was nearly 10 years ago when I graduated from high school. But I cant imagine giving up the search because of all the possibilities I would deprive myself of.

[blahx2]

Thanks Mustachio, I need to live for myself and nobody else. It will be hard to do so, but I know you are right. My relationship with my ex basically beat down my self-esteem and self-confidence, he constantly made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him and I actually believed him. I've started to find ways to love myself again and find ways to not feel so worthless. I want to be able to wake up one day and know that there is nothing wrong with me the way that I am.

[handshakes]

i went through the same thing in '05 and again in '07. the first time i started a hobby of selling books online to keep my mind off of things. the second time i started going to church and meeting new people. i don't know how i made it, but i did. i'm not sure if anything i can say will help, but if i can make it then so can you... and the bright side, now you're single, you can mingle!

[wicked6018]

I don't know you, but I wish that I did and that I could give you a great big hug and tell you that you ARE special that that life IS worth living. I know what it is like to want to not be alive: i spent years in therapy dealing with suicidal thoughts. it is the worst and i definitely feel your pain. Dear one, you are here for a reason. I know that you don't see it right now, but I promise that things will get better. It may take time. It may take YEARS. But please, please don't give up. You feel like your family and friends will be able to move on, but I promise that they would be hurt. I hope that my words help you because I would hate for you to take your own life. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe strongly that you were created by someone who loves you very much and that you were put here for a reason. Sending thoughts your way and hoping that things look up for you. Don't give up.