Should i stand my ground over new bloke meeting my kids?

[misguided angel]

My ex left me for another man in January, He and her have a long distance relationship, He is due to visit England for 2 weeks december, it will be the first time her and he meet face to face.

 

In my mind my children (aged 5, 4 and 1) have no reason to meet him just yet. She says that he and she will be using that 2 weeks to see if they are compatable face to face and to see if they want to go forward with their relationship, She says that "he will always be her friend regardless of weather they work out or not, So if those two weeks are the only two weeks he ever comes over then she wants him to meet her children". I have offered to take the children out of the picture and let them be alone for the two weeks but she refuses saying they are her kids aswell as mine and I can't do anything about it.

 

In my opinion, If her and him are unsure that they will be compatable and there is a chance he will only visit once or even just come over for two weeks a year, then there is no need for him to meet my kids. I have asked her to wait until they decide if he is going to move to England, Then he could come over for a visit and they could be introduced to him, Then my kids could be involved in her skype conversations with him so that they know him when he comes to live here, Or is this just me being an idealist as far as my kids go?

 

I come from a very bad childhood but once my Mum got rid of my Dad, We had a brilliant life and my Mum never brought an other man into our house until about 8 years later and she married him and then he showed me what a real man was. I don't know if my childhood situation is clouding my judgement.

 

I love my babies more than i can explain, My time with them is the only thing that has got me through all of the deciet amd my break up, I have told her that i couldn't care less what she gets up to as long as my children are not expossed to anything. Plus if i was to meet another woman, My kids would not know about her for a long time.

 

So what i'm really asking is for some advice because i'm not sure if i'm being unreasonable in asking her to not involve the kids until she is sure or if i'm just being bitter because she left me for him or even if my early years are clouding my judgement. Any advice weather positive or negative will be greatly recieved.

[hers]

I'm of the opinion that there is no reason to meet anyone's children if the relationship is not yet serious, so on this one, I side with you. At their young age, your kids could possiby be confused by the new person in their lives, and if they meet him and never see him again, they will always wonder what happened (of course, that's only if the idea of the person is presented to themt hat they will be involved with their lives somehow). I'm not a parent, but I am from a divorced home (my parents divorced when I was a baby) and my mom always had boyfriends coming in and out. Some we got really close to, some we didn't, but it was always strange and confusing for me to see one guy and then never see him again. I even remember at 5 or 6 trying to tell her boyfriend, whom she hadn't been with long, that they should get married (i didn't realize then that relationships take time to build).

 

Present it to your ex in that way...think of how the kids may be affected by it in the future. It doesn't seem detrimental on the surface, and it may not be detrimental at all in the long run but it could impact them in someway if they meet him and expect him to stick around and then he doesn't.

[DN]

I think you can state your opinion but I don't see how you can enforce it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with DN.

[Moontiger]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. However, I also agree with DN.

 

The only advice I can give you is to very calmly explain your reasoning to your ex and try and have a productive conversation with her. Tell her that you want to co-parent effectively with her, your respect that she might have a new romantic interest in her life, but you are very uncomfortable with anyone meeting the children before it is a serious relationship. Try and make some kind of deal with her, neither of you will introduce the kids to anyone unless you have been seeing them for X amount of time and you will always keep the other in the loop about such developments.

[Blue Skittles]

I totally understand your opinion on this one, and I am with you. However, I don't think you can change anything, you can only state your opinion to your ex. But they are her kids too, so if she decides it is serious enough that he should meet the kids, you have to let it go. I

[thejigsup]

I totally disagree with what your ex is doing. I have been a single mom for over 21 years and NO bf or potential bf, EVER met my son until I knew they were going to be around awhile, say at least 6 months, maybe more. That is the only way to date if you have kids. Anything else can potentially hurt them. Still, this is not your call and she is free to do as she pleases. It isn't good, though.

[Seraphim]

I totally disagree with what your ex is doing. I have been a single mom for over 21 years and NO bf or potential bf, EVER met my son until I knew they were going to be around awhile, say at least 6 months, maybe more. That is the only way to date if you have kids. Anything else can potentially hurt them. Still, this is not your call and she is free to do as she pleases. It isn't good, though.

 

I totally agree. It is entirely negligent to introduce child to someone who is not going to be around long term or to be introduced to them too soon. They are still reeling from losing their dad. All she is doing by doing this is harming them. Can you stop her? Probably not. Just assure your kids you love them and you are their dad and you will ALWAYS be there for them.

[misguided angel]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I am glad you all seem to think i'm not being unreasonable, but i just don't know how to put my point accross to her without it sounding like i'm being over sensitive, I have tried but she won't listen she seems to think he is the love of her life but she has never met him, so in my opinion our kids should not be involved. I have asked several of her friends my friends and i have asked her family and my family and they all agree with my thoughts, I just wanted to hear it from someone who doesn't know either of us.

 

Victoria

I have had several conversations with my children where i have told them that no matter what I will always be their Dad and I will always be there for them, I always tell them I love them.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

I agree too, it is not the wisest move, but she's got love-goggles on and doesn't see the logic right now. You can only appeal to her better judgment and hope she reconsiders. Beyond that, there's little else you can do. Even legally you have no leg to stand on.

[lavenderdove]

I think you're in a really difficult spot here because rationally, she doesn't know this guy other than an image he presents to her online, and he could be quite a different person than she thinks he is, and her children are quite young and i really hope this guy is not a nutter, and that she has enough common sense to recognize this guy is basically a stranger, but it doesn't sound like it.

 

I think you can try to influence this in a few ways, though not stop it entirely since she is their mother and can invite whom she pleases into her home. I would suggest to her that she spend the first few days with him alone (and you having the kids) to see how it goes with him and whether he really is someone she thinks he is, and if she is comfortable with him after 3 days, then she can introduce them as she sees fit.

 

I would try to present this in a way where you are not accusing her or him of anything but, you think it is prudent she spend a little one on one time with him for a couple days to get acquainted in person, then if she wants to proceed, bring the kids to introduce them and spend some time together. Many an online relationship fizzles very quickly once they meet in person, and she make come to that conclusion to not have him meet them herself if she's spent a few days with him and decided he is not right for her and not who she thought he was.

 

when children are involved, especially very young children, it is best to err on the side of caution to protect them, and i'd try to convince her that two days alone with just him and her first might be a good idea for all kinds of reasons.

 

Personally, i think she will soon discover that there is a large gap between fantasy and reality, and an online relationship with someone you never met is quite different than in person, and her 'soul mate' feeling is more about fantasy than the reality of the guy. But then again, right now the guy has her all to himself as a fantasy/online lover, and once he sees the reality of living with 3 kids, aged 5, 4, and 1, he may go screaming out of there never to be heard of again, so it may end up being far less of a deal than you are worried about.

[Seraphim]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I am glad you all seem to think i'm not being unreasonable, but i just don't know how to put my point accross to her without it sounding like i'm being over sensitive, I have tried but she won't listen she seems to think he is the love of her life but she has never met him, so in my opinion our kids should not be involved. I have asked several of her friends my friends and i have asked her family and my family and they all agree with my thoughts, I just wanted to hear it from someone who doesn't know either of us.

 

Victoria

I have had several conversations with my children where i have told them that no matter what I will always be their Dad and I will always be there for them, I always tell them I love them.

 

I know you have, I am just reminding you to do it often. That is all. My dad never reminded us of that and never cared too. He would have gfs all the time that had their own kids and he would just trail them in front of my mom hoping to make her jealous and did not care what it did to my brother and I. He had gfs that would tell us to our face they HATED kids etc etc etc. I have never truly had a sense in my life, even to today that my father loves me. Dads need to know that their kids need to continously hear that dad loves them especially if the parents are divorced.

 

Kids internalize divorce this way: my parents are not together because I did something wrong and I am bad. That is exactly how they see it. How do I know? My mother was divorced 3 times, twice from my real father and once from my first step dad. I know a lot of people who have had divorced parents. I have read a lot about it too. Kids see adults as "godlike creatures who know everything." but they themselves are falliable so if something goes wrong it is their fault the way they see it. Just tell them they did nothing wrong and they are always loved.

[misguided angel]

Wow what sort of horrible woman would tell a child that the hate kids? and sorry but your dad sounds quite childish, did these women know he was trying to make your mum jealous?

 

My eldest sometimes asks me if i still love mummy or if I miss her, I always say yes of course I do, I don't know if he asks my ex the same questions or how she answers them. I realised about 2 months after we broke up that i had to keep telling them I will always be daddy because my son said to me that I was now his uncle and not his dad and he wanted a dad for at home, Not sure if he was thinking that because I no longer lived with him that I would be one of his uncles or if someone had said something to him but I reassured him that I was daddy and he hasn't said it since.

[Seraphim]

My dad is severely mentally ill, he does not care what he did. You would be surprised, many people hate kids and they are very vocal about it. I have no idea about the women because I was like 6 years old when my dad would pick me up with is 18 year old gf's and he was 27 and they would be dragging along the gf's 2 year old kid. My mom was already remarried and did not care what woman he was hanging out with. She was only concerned with how it affected me and my brother. My dad is a whole abusive mess. I do not remember a lot of things in my childhood because I have PTSD and I have a lot of memory lapses or remember things incorrectly.

 

I am sorry about your son being confused. That is common. Just reassure him you are his DAD and NOT an uncle.

[misguided angel]

I am sorry about your son being confused. That is common. Just reassure him you are his DAD and NOT an uncle.

 

Don't worry my kids will never be short of love and cuddles, Although I must admit my 1 year old daughter does take up most of my time when I have them but i'm sure she will grow out of her neediness but the boys sometimes just do there own thing.

[sunnyhappydays]

Pedophiles target single mothers to get access to their children. Ok, the chances of this guys being a pedo are tiny BUT I would definitely bring it up. She'll be defensive and annoyed BUT she will definitely be more careful because of it.

[misguided angel]

Pedophiles target single mothers to get access to their children. Ok, the chances of this guys being a pedo are tiny BUT I would definitely bring it up. She'll be defensive and annoyed BUT she will definitely be more careful because of it.

 

OK now your'e scaring me, I hadn't even thought of that, But if i say that to her it will sound like i'm trying to cause trouble. I will say something though as I wouldn't ever forgive myself if he was a gary glitter.

[Moontiger]

Pedophiles target single mothers to get access to their children. Ok, the chances of this guys being a pedo are tiny BUT I would definitely bring it up. She'll be defensive and annoyed BUT she will definitely be more careful because of it.

 

Its sad but true. Sunnyhappydays is absolutely right. No matter her reaction you are completely right to bring up this concern to her. Your in a tough spot because no matter how you frame it she will think you are only trying to cause trouble. Could you ask her family and friends to check in to her day to day while the guy is visiting and the kids are with her?

 

Another thing, have you talked to your kids yet about "inappropriate touching"? I clearly remember the discussion my parents had with me when I was very young. If you haven't now might be the time. Don't scare them, just make it clear that if someone is "inappropriate" with them they should scream at the top of their lungs no matter what that person tells them. I remember my parents told me, "Even if someone threats to hurt us, you scream and run, ok?"

[Seraphim]

I totally agree. There are some scary people out there. I saw a study once that said men were something like 300 times more likely to batter children that were not theirs. On the same note there are GREAT men out there. My step dad when I was little was AWESOME and he totally accepted me and my brother even though he had his own 3 kids.

[hers]

This is good advice. Even if this guy turns out to be non-threatening and a good guy, it's a good discussion to have with your kids, no matter how uncomfortable such a conversation may make them or you.

[misguided angel]

I agree with all of you about being wary of him being a pedo and that i should start talking to my children, I do know first hand about pedo's as i was concieved by one but I honestly never thought i would be worrying about my kids like this because I was always going to be the only man in their life, When spoke to the kids tonight I asked their mother to come on the phone (she knows my history) and I told that if she has even the slightest concern with him or any other man she may be with even if it is just a slight feeling that something isn't right weather it's sexual or violent or even just a funny look the she has to get rid because if she doesn't then when I find out, I will sort it out my way, I'm not voilent or even hard but she knows I would never let someone do anything like that and just call the police. She also knows that i wasn't joking, Now at least she may just have 2nd thoughts on involving our kids before she knows him. I just honestly believe she is looking at everything through rose tinted glasses right now as far as he is concerned.

[Moontiger]

What was her reaction to this conversation?

[misguided angel]

She said I should trust her and that she understood why i was saying this but she also got a bit upset and said that I couldn't think much of her if I think she would let anyone harm our children

[Moontiger]

Wow...she is in a completely self-absorbed place right now. I wounder what she would think about you letting random women you meet of the internet around the kids.

[misguided angel]

See, I must be missing something because her answer was exactly what I expected her to say, I didn't see it as self-absorbed because I don't think she could have answered it any other way, other than to tell me she would let me take the kids out of the picture for the two weeks he is here. She may still decide that is OK but at the moment because she left me for him and her family keep warning her of the dangers of internet romances she has put up a wall of secrecy around him, I believe she see's them as some sort of modern day romeo and juliet being kept apart by cicumstances and she is acting like a love sick teenager with regards to him.