halcyon Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 First off thank you for taking the time to read and I appreciate any advice/opinion/suggestions I can get. Several days ago, I decided to try an online dating site for the first time. I was soon contacted by an individual who, at first glance, shared similar interests with me. We frequently communicated and sent long, thoughtful emails to each other that shed interesting lights on our personalities. However, when we met for the first date, it did not go well. He talked at an incredibly fast pace so I was left with little to no opportunity to respond. A substantial amount of the conversation revolved around his field of study (he is a PHD physics student) and at several points, he threw around the names of several famous physicists or a highly complex mathematical equation (trust me, it went beyond A/S/D/M) right off the bat, asking me if I knew them or the answer. I am a recent university graduate with a finance degree and work in research for a business school so my knowledge of physics is minimal and nowhere near as extensive as this guy's. Consequently, I felt rather stupid for having to say "no" consecutively. We also play piano but his musical ability is better than mine and again, he continually listed pieces that I never played. At one point, he even asked me outright: "You don't have to lie to me if you can't play piano. I mean, do you know who Stephen Hawking is at least?" Lunch was worse when he brought up that a number of his female colleagues were frequently asking him out to dates, his ex girlfriend was an incredibly talented 20 year old PHD graduate, and that he had created a "list" of deal breakers. I too thought the subject was important to discuss but I was not prepared for him pulling out that list from his phone and reciting every single one to me. His "deal breakers" included that he hated dumb girls and girls who wore makeup. Well, I certainly felt dumb for having to sit there and be lectured. I also was wearing makeup that day in an effort to appear presentable but after hearing that, I felt like a complete idiot. When I mentioned I didn't know a comic that he liked, he decided to add to his list that any girl who doesn't know "X comic" was a deal-breaker right in front of me. Ironically, I mentioned that I disliked arrogance which prompted him to admit that he was aware that he can come off as arrogant and has been told that many times by different people. It was, as he put it, a defense mechanism because he was actually a very sensitive person. He later apologized for "nerding out" on me and indicated that he was certain that he did not want to get back with his ex-girlfriend, despite my private misgivings. During the entire date, he never initiated any physical contact but oddly, he asked for a hug when our date ended. I went back to my car, exhausted, irritated, and depressed because I knew I didn't present myself well and that he probably thought I was unintelligent/boring. I was more than surprised when he inquired about a second date soon after but I'm not so sure if I should reciprocate. I know he is a very accomplished individual and I admire his choice of study. I find him incredibly interesting and we not only come from similar backgrounds but share the same beliefs on important issues. He was also chivalrous during our date and I understand that he was nervous just like I was. I know I didn't "shine" either. I would like an outside opinion from this forum on whether I should give this guy a second chance or not and try a do-over on our next date. Would it be worth it? Link to comment
thatguy42 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I have a PhD, but I'm nowhere as arrogant as this guy. Link to comment
Messiah Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Wow, he sounds really intelligent, but socially inept. It's true, sometimes nerds try to go above and beyond to make you aware of their best quality, their intelligence.. And they do it to a fault. By your description he sounds not only arrogant, but completely rude, and opinionated. Lol I'd never talk to him again if it were me, teach him a lesson from this. Even if he's nice underneath it all and you guys did have potential for a LTR, he'd probably irritate the hell out of you all the time. Link to comment
thatguy42 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Wow, he sounds really intelligent, but socially inept. It's true, sometimes nerds try to go above and beyond to make you aware of their best quality, their intelligence.. And they do it to a fault. By your description he sounds not only arrogant, but completely rude, and opinionated. Lol I'd never talk to him again if it were me, teach him a lesson from this. Even if he's nice underneath it all and you guys did have potential for a LTR, he'd probably irritate the hell out of you all the time. Intelligence definitely isn't enough to land a relationship. Link to comment
banal Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 LOL I'm having a tough time with my breakup, but this post made me laugh out loud. I'm still chuckling from this part, "I too thought the subject was important to discuss but I was not prepared for him pulling out that list from his phone and reciting every single one to me. His "deal breakers" included that he hated dumb girls and girls who wore makeup. Well, I certainly felt dumb for having to sit there and be lectured." I'm just stunned by this guy Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I would like an outside opinion from this forum on whether I should give this guy a second chance or not and try a do-over on our next date. Would it be worth it? No. You should Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Do you know who Stephen Hawking is at least? Link to comment
NightLily Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 He sounds downright rude. Also seems to have a huge ego where he may just want to feel like the better of the two of you to build up his esteem more. Does he really think equations will make you feel any romantic feelings for him? haha.. sorry, I am studying chemistry and even I wouldn't go for this guy. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 . do you know who Stephen Hawking is at least? That really made me laugh!! No, don't subject yourself to another disaster date with him. Just try to see the humor in the situatiion. But I would really like to know, do you know who Stephen Hawking is at least? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Double posting so I removed it. Link to comment
halcyon Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your responses LOL I'm having a tough time with my breakup, but this post made me laugh out loud. I'm still chuckling from this part, "I too thought the subject was important to discuss but I was not prepared for him pulling out that list from his phone and reciting every single one to me. His "deal breakers" included that he hated dumb girls and girls who wore makeup. Well, I certainly felt dumb for having to sit there and be lectured." I'm just stunned by this guy I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup but I'm glad that at the very least, I made someone laugh! Yeah, the entire time, I started to wonder if I had entered into an episode of The Big Bang Theory and that my date was actually Sheldon Cooper. Intelligence definitely isn't enough to land a relationship. True that. ^^ Do you know who Stephen Hawking is at least? Yes! He sounds downright rude. Also seems to have a huge ego where he may just want to feel like the better of the two of you to build up his esteem more. Does he really think equations will make you feel any romantic feelings for him? haha.. sorry, I am studying chemistry and even I wouldn't go for this guy. That was my initial sentiment too...when he told me about his ex, I wondered if that was the reason why she left him because she sounded like a fit for him but apparently, they only lasted 3 months. I also asked him point-blank why he didn't like the girls in his university because I personally felt they would be more suited to him given the fact that they are geared towards science and academia like he is. He responded that he didn't want a cookie cutter type of girlfriend and admitted that he was lonely. I feel--- and it makes me uneasy--- on-the-fence with this guy because he did apologize to me and acknowledged that he knows he can act arrogant. He also revealed some personal things that made me see that we had common ground and I myself did not do well on the date either. I didn't talk much and was reserved. I haven't responded to any of his messages today since I'm still weighing out the pros and cons. I was half-heartedly considering to take him to a museum (purposely picked it because it aligns with what we like and its a place where he can be quiet, lol) and surprise him with a picnic in the gardens since I'm more of a doer than a talker. I am really sorry about the wishy-washiness, I wish I wasn't feeling like this If I do end up on a second date and it doesn't work out, I guess I shouldn't worry. I am young and still have time right? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I think a second date would be foolish. Link to comment
MizzGee Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Ugh, I applaud you for being able to sit through an entire meal with this guy. I would have gotten up and walked out the door when he took out his phone to list off his dealbreakers! I don't think you should go on another date with him because it sounds like he's using you to boost his ego or something. I wouldn't give him the time of day after so much rudeness! Link to comment
NightLily Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 If he put things about you on his list of deal breakers.. I would imagine he is only following up with you out of loneliness (or perhaps because of physical attraction). I wouldn't even put myself through that. .. It also doesn't sound like he is over his ex even though he said he was. Or maybe he just wants to brag about that. Link to comment
KatAstrophy1607308539 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I've developed a new set of dealbreakers just reading this! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Isn't the main idea behind forming relationships to bond with people who help us to feel GOOD about ourselves? I'd make this less about how impressive this guy finds you, and instead I'd question what, exactly, I find so impressive about someone who'd deliberately try to make me feel lousy. Why not try casually meeting any number of men from the dating site each for a quick coffee, then decide from there whether or not you find enough chemistry with any of them to reconnect for a real date? I'd skip getting too invested in email bonding. That just builds a fantasy 'about' a person, which is simple enough to do--but is fantasy what you really want to attempt to live up to? Be brave and make this about what YOU want, not about what some stranger wants. Allow bad matches to pass early, and don't personalize those. There may be some girl someday who might love this boor. There's no reason to force a repeat 'performance' on yourself. Link to comment
halcyon Posted June 26, 2011 Author Share Posted June 26, 2011 I agree, I did get emotionally invested in the emails....well, now I have learned not to do that. Just wanted everyone to know that I rescinded his request for a second date and thank you all for slapping some sense into me. I sure as hell needed it. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 In a way I am dissapointed that you did not go for round 2 because of the entertainment value for us But for you it was and you don't need that in you life. I don't know what country that you live, but in the United States there is a tv program called "Disaster Date". These are set up blind dates where the actor in the date makes sure to do annoying things that the other party considers pet peeves. The unsuspecting party does not know he is "dating" an actor. The unsuspecting party gets $1 for each minute they put up with the actor's behavior. The maximum paid is $ 60. This date that you had did not pay you any $. Look at the bright side. It was a memorable experience that you will be able to relate to your grandchildren someday. Link to comment
halcyon Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 In a way I am dissapointed that you did not go for round 2 because of the entertainment value for us But for you it was and you don't need that in you life. I don't know what country that you live, but in the United States there is a tv program called "Disaster Date". These are set up blind dates where the actor in the date makes sure to do annoying things that the other party considers pet peeves. The unsuspecting party does not know he is "dating" an actor. The unsuspecting party gets $1 for each minute they put up with the actor's behavior. The maximum paid is $ 60. This date that you had did not pay you any $. Look at the bright side. It was a memorable experience that you will be able to relate to your grandchildren someday. lol I'll be sure to give the story an impressive title : "The Epic Adventure of Dating A Science Nerd" Well, the date had some good points but overall, it was bad and I left feeling very low. I think another poster was right in observing I would have been extremely irritated by him if I had gone on a second date. What really annoyed me was when he would get into classical-music-snob-mode which was hilarious given the fact that I have played piano since the age of four and had formal instruction when this guy only started two years ago! He can play faster than I can because unlike my own self, he has the luxury of time to sit on a bench and go at the keys for two or more hours whereas I have a demanding work schedule. He was even so "kind" as to point out that since my hands are small, the piano is not the best instrument for me and I would be more suited to others instead. Who is he to tell me what I can and cannot play?! But seriously, thank you to everyone for allowing me to vent, giving me your inputs, and helping me see the humor in this situation. Link to comment
banal Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Yeah, I'm disappointed too that you didn't go on another date. I'll say this much, that I won't be as SELFISH as you were!! Once I'm ready to go dating again, if I have a bad first one I'll be sure to go on another one to make the crowd here happy. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I don't think awkwardness is the problem here... Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Forget about a second date. I wouldn't have sat through the first! Link to comment
yikeshelpme Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 sounds like a di*khead. avoid Link to comment
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