In love with married woman

[taeta]

I am a 24 year old lesbian. I have been gay my entire life. I work as a waitress, and one night after work was walking to my car with a new girl who just got hired. She had caught my attention before, but so did her wedding ring. However, we started talking and ended up having a 9 hour conversation that night. She is about to turn 21 and has never had any emotions towards a girl, her husband is deployed in Italy right now and has told her several times "find a girl to mess around with and send me videos". That was her initial thought with me bc she was attracted to me and knew i was a lesbian. We both said "ok this wont get emotional" but from that very first 9 hr conversation we had it was like we became inseperable. We never ended up taking and videos or anything for her husband bc it stopped being about that, and started being about the fact that we couldnt get enough of each other. Finally after about a week of torture we gave in and had our first kiss, which lasted for about 30 minutes in my car. Then not too long after that we ended up having sex for the first time, and this has been going on for a little over a month. Finally we both ended up admitting that we have fallen madly in love with each other. Im not the kind of person who gets emotions quick, or throws around the word love and ive never been in this situation. i have 2 rules as a lesbian, never fall for a straight girl, and never fall for a married girl. So ive always been very good at keeping my boundaries. I cant kiss her though without having to stop sometimes just to catch my breath or have my heart slow down from racing so fast. She has cried to me several times while ive held her because she is so torn about what to do.

 

Now, before anyone sits there and starts to feel bad for the husband, he is a " * * * * ". He has cheated on her 4 times, one time was just 12 hours after they got married. She keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt but knows she needs to leave him. They havent had their official wedding yet, they did get married though before he got deployed. She called off her official wedding which was suppose to be in about 5 weeks because she said she cant stop thinking about me and because she knows she doesnt trust him or need to be with him. However, she is the kind of person who feels like she has to keep giving things one more chance. He wasnt suppose to be coming back until november, but we found out last week he will be back in a few weeks towards the end of july. It feels like someone knocked the air out of me.

 

I told her I couldnt be around while she was with him seeing if things got better for the two of them or not, and that I was going to have to let her go when the time came. We both cried. I dont live in the fairytale world where she is going to leave her marriage (although she should even if i wasnt in the picture) and be with me and we get to be happily in love.

 

All I know is when im not with her, I ache for her. When I am with her, I feel like every part of my life is how it should be. I dont know if anyone has seen the movie "Imagine Me & You" but the way the 2 women are in it, thats pretty much us to a tee. Except the husband in real life is a * * * * * * * . I dont know what to do.

[PrincessBOT]

My friend who is a guy just divorced his wife of 12 years for this very thing. His then wife got involved with a woman and it broke up their family. After seeing the devastation it caused my friends I say that, regardless of a formal wedding they are married and took vows. Their problems are their problems and as husband and wife they need to work it out without someone coming in the middle to sway the odds. Step out of it, let them work on their marriage...people who have been married 20, 30, and 40 years didn't get there because they had no problems. They got there because they worked through their problems, let this couple work on their marriage. It will hurt you , but remember, how you get them is how you keep them. She leaves her husband because of your influence, who will she leave you for...

[Moontiger]

Doesn't matter what kind of guy the husband is. She has chosen to stay with him and could still choose to stay with him.

 

One things I have learned through watching the people around me, starting a relationship with infidelity is never a good idea. If the two of you are meet to be together, that is find and dandy, but at some point you will start thinking about how she was willing to cheat, that she could do the same thing to you, it will eat at you.

 

My advice is to back off and let her figure out what she wants to do about her husband. If she leaves him, she will most likely need time to process the end of that relationship before starting another, I also recommend the two of you see a relationship therapist to work through this foundation of infidelity.

[hexaemeron]

I think you should back off, OP. Just because you want something, doesn't mean it's yours to have.

[FathomFear]

Step out of it, let them work on their marriage...people who have been married 20, 30, and 40 years didn't get there because they had no problems.

 

This could very well be more than a run-of-the-mill problem. For example, I am kind of curious whether this woman might actually be a lesbian herself who was closeted.

 

Her sexuality is an important element here, IMO. If she's bi, then I see this as primarily being about cheating. ie, she's attracted to her husband but is just cheating on someone else she finds attractive (the OP). If she's actually a lesbian, then the situation is much more complicated. But either way, she needs to figure this out and you should pull back until she does.