One month after we move to another country, she says it's not going to work out

[dabbledave]

I'm inspired by Unwanted's thread to post about this here. And by this post I'd like Unwanted to see that indeed she ain't alone, and that it could have been a lot worse! Note This differs from Unwanted's situation in that my ex and I had a local relationship (not a LDR), but it does involve a move to a foreign land; a move that actually happened!

 

I've been to ENA for advice before. Check out my old threads. But that's not all of it. There has been more on-again-off-again craziness with the same girl since. But the good folks on ENA have taught me how to handle -- using NC, et cetera -- so I haven't felt compelled to post each time something goes pear-shaped. The mad thing is I keep going back to the same girl when she wants me back. ](*,)

 

Even crazier, two months ago I packed up and moved to another continent with her! Her employer offered her her dream move to live and work in another country. I knew it would be problematic for our relationship, but I wasn't going to stand in her way. I encouraged her to go for it, and she made it clear all along I was welcome to come along as her partner. Her employer paid for both of us to make the move; flights, shipping containers, and accommodation costs for the first month.

 

We were both under a lot of stress during the first weeks and had some disagreements and fights about the direction we should take in terms of apartment-hunting and new lifestyle, et cetera. I was also taking the opportunity of a fresh start to go cold turkey on my 15-year nicotine addiction. She had to dive into her work as soon as we arrived with little in the way of orientation time. It wasn't at all smooth sailing for us and I knew that. And I recognised and apologised for my role in the disagreements -- my irritability, sense of insecurity about being unemployed for the first time in ages, et cetera. I even suggested that once we've settled into our new place I would go backpacking for a couple of weeks to give us a break from each other and to allow myself some time to breathe before seriously looking for work. But instead of acknowledging and apologising for her role in our problems, or suggesting a positive way forward, she drops the bombshell that she doesn't "believe in us" any more. She tells me that she "deserves to be happy" and doesn't think our relationship was going to "work out".

 

I expected that we may have problems, but I was prepared to give us at least six months!

 

So now I'm backpacking on this new continent indefinitely; not to give us a break from each other; but to let the relationship die for good. I'm in a foreign land without a job, with all my stuff from my old life in a shipping container. Fortunately when I'm done exploring here, her employer will arrange for my air ticket back. I'll have to leave everything I can't take within a normal economy class baggage allowance because it's not worth the expense of return shipping. So when I do return home, I have to start again. (But that's just material stuff; I feel kind of liberated from it now!)

 

It's a tough situation I found myself in. I let her live her dream, and in return found myself in a nightmare. But I'm big enough and ugly enough and have enough resources at my disposal to turn this crisis into an opportunity. I'm now starting to enjoy my travels here and have started to blog about them.

 

So, Unwanted, be glad he let you down before you made the move. And good luck with your examinations!

 

All the best,

 

DD

[nsomnia912]

That is certainly a crotch kick sir....but now you can backpack and as you said liberated...with nothing...a true fresh start....

 

I envy your optimism! Tip my hat.

[rbsx]

And a thousand times over this is why I'm happy I never moved with my ex. Sorry to hear what happened, it's very unfortunate.

[Unwanted]

Thank you DD! Your post just moved me. And I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel now.

 

You've taken that step of actually moving then being screwed over! I can never understand why our former partners never want to just try and give the relationship a go. I was willing to move to the UK for 6 months and I said to my ex that if he didn't like me still at the end of it, then I would be content and have some closure, because then I could say "Hey, at least we tried and never gave up"

 

But I'm feeling very frustrated at not being given a chance. Sometimes, due to the strain of everything else, our phone/online personalities were somewhat 'masked'. I just wished he gave me a chance to prove myself to him.

 

You're a lot stronger than me though. I wish I had the courage to just go out and travel on my own. I would have been able to do it before this relationship started, but my confidence has just been crushed to bits.

 

Thank you again for your post.

[giraffegirl]

Good on you. Your gf sounds terribly immature, and actually will probably want you back in a few months

 

Never go back to her. Break the cycle. I hope you meet someone nice on your travels

[dabbledave]

Thanks for the supportive words, guys.

 

I guess I made it sound easy. I have some off days as well, of course. Today, for example, I can't face going out. I'm holed up in my accommodation, internet surfing, and feeling sorry for myself; asking myself over and over like a broken record: How can she throw away four years based on a tough four weeks? How could she be so insensitive as to break us up when I'm at my weakest and most vulnerable?

 

Then again I have some great days! Two days ago, for example. It was absolutely brilliant exploring a new city by myself; wandering where I pleased, stopping where I wanted, walking fast, meandering slowly, jumping on a bus, riding a ferry; not having to negotiate with anyone about what to do next ...

 

I'm finding meal times and the moments before sleep to be the toughest in terms of feeling lonely, rejected, unappreciated, unloved. They are among the triggers that set me off.

 

Tomorrow I hit the tracks again. Destination: Another city and a more positive outlook, I hope.

[delboi]

I'm finding meal times and the moments before sleep to be the toughest in terms of feeling lonely, rejected, unappreciated, unloved. They are among the triggers that set me off.

 

And they are the among the triggers that set you on healing! embrace them mate

At least you know you are healing in the healing process (albeit the worst part), what i used to do is imagine those feelings and think "how dare she make me feel like that? and then want me back only to change her mind, and make me feel like that all over again!!"

That might help you break the cycle of getting back with her... easier said than done i know.

 

We've all been there man, it sucks so much but at least your recognising this is an opportunity, your free now!!! just enjoy the simplicity of life! it wont be long before more women enter your life to complicate things again

 

good luck in your travels! i plan on going in september to do some self discovery!

[dabbledave]

Thanks Delboi!

 

Right, enough ENA for today. Time to get out and about and see this city. I'm leaving for a new one tomorrow, so shouldn't waste what remains of this day!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Not sure if I did the right thing, but I couldn't help myself.

 

Just responded to an email from ex about her being robbed. She lost her keys and passport and other docs. She just wrote a matter-of-fact note about it.

 

I needed to contact her about something anyway, so used this as an excuse to do that and to have a little dig as follows:

 

"So are you as happy as you "deserve"? Maybe the robbery is karma for throwing away four years based on a tough four weeks and for dumping me at my most vulnerable. And you want me to be your "friend" now!?

 

"No need to respond to that. Not interested.

 

"I do however need to know how much lead time [company] will need in order to book my flight. One-way would be preferable for the extra baggage allowance. I know it's not worth shipping my my furniture and electronics back to [city] (it's all yours now, material girl). But I would like to take back all my clothes on the plane without it costing a fortune in excess baggage."

 

What do you think ENAers? Too bitter? Immature? Unnecessary? Insensitive?

 

DD

[dabbledave]

After a little time has passed and reading it back.

 

Yes, all of those things: bitter, immature, unnecessary, and insensitive.

 

D'oh!

 

In the moment it felt right. Upon reflection, it's stupid.

[mhowe]

Honestly, I don't think it was any of those --- it was/is how you felt. Wouldn't count on getting your clothes back, though!!!