Time to leave this?

[veryverysad]

My ex and i love each other. We both are open about this and say it. What he is saying is that after 4 weeks of being apart i just make him ill (he suffers from stress) and he doesn't want to be with me any-more.

 

I adore this guy, totally completely and utterly in love.

 

We are not together atm as he wanted some time to de-stress and calm down. Every tiny thing i don't agree with is classed an an argument and reason for thermonuclear war. I have a lot of opinions and wud never roll over and just smile sweetly if i dont agree. I never have. I am calm and clear and very fact based on how things are for me and how it makes me feel. And then i ask if its enuf for my bf to re-consider how he acts. Sometimes he is right and i leave him alone a while for me to sort myself out - other times i think i am right and stand my ground.

 

Whilst on break due to his stress levels I asked him 'What wud u say if another female was interested in you? Would you say you had a commitment to me?' and he said no, he wud just say that he wanted to be friends, but surely i KNOW the reason he wasn't doing more than friends was cuz of me?? I got freaked out about the deception. im very honest - if i am asked i say it straight - me and ex bf are sorting things and trying to fix it so im not looking for anyone else, I still love him.

This has gone on all day and now? He has decided he doesn't want to be with me cuz i stress him out too much and all we do is fight. This feels so unfair as relationships are about give and take and consideration. I dont want a door mat as a partner but if im crying all night over something and sick from hurt why not help me out and show some compassion? its not over everything i get like this.

 

Now he says for me to go away - he isn't interested in me at all and he has had enough. Do i

1. Stand my ground - say i love him and reassure him, explaining why i think he is not reacting fairly?

2. Walk away now as he hasnt that bothered i cried all night over him not being honest if asked about his emotional commitment to us and me. Nor is he interested in fixing this with me (a decision i think he will regret in about 2 days time...) The deal was he is waiting for me and i for him until he woks out how to deal with his stress...

 

Help please

[whysoalone]

Stand up for what you believe in!

 

Honestly, it's a toughy. If you give him his space, it might work in your favour, but considering he's come back from a break it might not make any difference.

 

If you go all pushy/needy and stand your ground, then there's a good chance that it'll also work in your favour. I can't be of much more help, but if you honestly want him back, i'd be straight with him. If you feel that he really needs the space to chill, then give it to him. Focus on something else?

[DN]

It seems to me possible, that although he may be over-sensitive, you could have picked your battles instead of fighting every one, no matter how trivial. It doesn't seem that you see that advantage of compromise and negotiation judging by the tone of your post.

[veryverysad]

I have compromised lots of times, I often back down and i apologise for something. If its not breaking my heart i wont push it.

[Ms Darcy]

From what you say, you are trying to get him to change his behavior (when you say you want him to reconsider how he acts). I think if you are fighting this much and he is so stressed, he is clearly signalling that he does not want to change and it may be best to find someone more in line with your beliefs.

[veryverysad]

yes that may be true. I want compromise and he wants to just be as he is I don't think its possible to find a perfect match tho - there will always be some compromise from both sides I dont want to live a life of this tho. If its not something that he can deal with.

[veryverysad]

i love him so much tho i cant imagine or wish to be without him =) he is like my sunbeam thru life I totally adore him.

[learning2relax]

Sounds like you have already spent a considerable amount of time having conversations about the issues. Any further attempts to get your point(s) or opinion(s) accross will only push him further away. Best thing to do is to let him sit with what he has on his own and process.

 

At the same time, you need to hang back and heal. You have both gone into the weeds and have lost sight of the bigger picture. You need to understand that you cannot will someone to change. You cannot make them change. If you think about it more objectively, you may come to realize that you really wouldn't want to be with him if you had convinced him. It would not be a solid foundation for which to build a successful relationship upon, in the long term. It may work out in an immediate sense and mask the pain you feel now, but it would only come back around in one way or another. You are best if you are both coming forward of your own free will and are willing to work on things together without trying to control. It is even harder when you are the one feeling the loss and to you it doesn't make sense.

 

Spend some time with yourself.

[DN]

If you suffered from something and your partner's behaviour brought it on - what would you do?

[catfeeder]

I think I'm lost. He wanted a break because the two of you argue too much, then you threw a hypothetical at him to argue about even more?

 

I'd quit picking that and give him time to decompress. You sound like you could use some of that, yourself.