Why is my ex so cold to me now?

[wilkerwhip]

Struggling here this morning thinking about seeing the ex last night at a work staff social event. I wasn't going to go to it but then I thought thats not fair to me, we have mutual friends that are co-workers and I wanted to have a good time too. The night went reasonably well except I can't figure out why she was so cold to me when I tried to speak to her. Not rude at all but just like nothing ever happened between us. I was just trying to be pleasant and it just seemed like I was pulling teeth just to get some words out of her mouth. I think I handled myself really well smiled a lot and had a pretty good time with every one else. But I just feel gutted this morning wondering what I did to make her act this way toward me. I think she is back together with her ex that she cheated on me with. I'm not sure. Could it be guilt over that? I guess I am just looking for some sort of warmth from her, not to get back together but just some familiarity, like something actually was significant between us. We worked through her cheating and were together for a just over a year. I was so good to her and I can't figure out why she is so cold to me now. I have been nc for four months as much as possible, avoiding her at work the best I can. So its not like I have been bugging her. I can understand if I was awful to her in our relationship why she would act this way to me. She even said when we broke up that no one could ever treat her as well as I did. I want to email her and ask her if I have done anything wrong but I am afraid of no reply. I still love her so much and I truly want her to have a wonderful life even if its without me. It just hurts so bad when she is so cold to me now. Like all our history was deleted. Has this happened to anyone else?

[soru]

The combination of cheating and now her coldness is more than enough reasons. Love really does blind us. No matter how badly they treat us, we find a way around it to make them angels

[Live-N-Learn]

The combination of cheating and now her coldness is more than enough reasons. Love really does blind us. No matter how badly they treat us, we find a way around it to make them angels

 

This is so true. Only time and NC help to take off those love goggles.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't email. You need to face this person at work on a regular basis. Hold your head up and allow time and NC to create their own filter. You can't control someone else's perceptions. If she needs to perceive you as somehow threatening to her self image, then the more attention you pay to that the worse you'll make it.

 

Grow a sudden case of amnesia of your own, and treat her as kindly as you would a stranger. Work is NOT a therapeutic environment.

[Celadon]

Allow her coldness to be her problem, not yours. You KNOW you had a significant relationship. You do not need her to confirm that. And you know you treated her well, so you can take that love and feel good about giving it to another, to a woman who will be thrilled to receive it.

 

I suspect that the guilt of cheating and the sadness of breaking up with you makes her uncomfortable. But cut her some slack. People are not always "on" when it comes to social interactions.

[pietro5266]

Sounds like she's very emotionally immature. Had a similar situation, recently -- the woman I was dating told me that no one had ever been so good to her, then, a month later, was making noise about how she didn't want to see me anymore. Sometimes I think that women like these are much more about the "hunt" than about having a long-term relationship. If your nice and stable, there's no challenge in keeping you. They get bored, then they stray. Afterwards, they feel guilty, so, in order to live with that, they simply shunt the guilt to the back of their minds, rationalize everything, and act like nothing happened. Easier that way, I suppose.

[learning2relax]

Something that gives me comfort as I have been faced with the cold shoulder as well......you can't avoid something that you are not attached to. If you were not attached to it, it would be indifference.

 

Leaving her be is the best approach. Reaching out will only further your pain and hurt and put you back a few steps each time in healing. Understand that there are feelings and emotions that she has tied to your previous relationship that cause her to be this way. Not everyone acts this way but it is fairly common.

 

Just keep your head high and take each day one at a time. The more time you put between now and the breakup, the better for all involved.

[pietro5266]

@learningtorelax, that's about the best justification for NC I've seen yet. I've been sort of ambivalent about going full NC, but I think that indifference is absolutely what's needed. If my ex ever cared, even as a friend, she'll contact me at some point.

[Aqua066]

Wilkerwhip - I right there with you buddy. I work with my ex and she is as cold as ice to me. She does everything to avoid me and never smiles or anything when are paths cross (which isn't often). Honestly it use to bother me a lot. I had the same thoughts in my head... Should I email her or text or call her asking why she's acting this way or whatever... but I think I finally realized that she's actually doing me a favor. I think if she showed any kindness or whatever, I'd probably get stupid thoughts in my head (thinking I have a chance to get her back or something). Its for the best. Who cares why their acting this way? Their no longer part of our lives. We shouldn't let them still affect us now.

 

I agree with everyone else. Stay NC. It's the only way. Don't give her the satisfaction that she still bothers you. Good luck!

[Unwanted]

It could be her coping mechanism.

 

I asked my ex why he was acting so cold towards me. And I received a text saying:

 

"I know I've been a c*nt towards you. I'm sorry to be cold. But it's how I'm coping with this all"

 

Some people just have a 'switch' in their head that blocks those emotions and make them act like totally d*ckheads. I will never understand that, but some people are just like that I suppose.

[Mustachio]

Yes as everyone has said, dont email her. Her being cold to you may be a way for her to avoid having to directly face any guilt she may have for cheating on you then leaving you for her ex as you said. But either way, take her off the pedestal because at this point i dont understand why you would want to be warm to her.

[swann]

I agree with what everyone has said here also. Not that I see my ex anymore at all, I would certainly expect her to act "cold" towards me as well if I did see her. And I hope if I did see her I would act with indifference towards her. I paid my dues already, you and I don't owe them anything any more.

 

Can't worry about what you can't control. I, like you, wonder how someone you loved so much could just walk away and act like you were nothing to them but the sad fact is there are people out there who can and do just that. In my case she is a narcissistic person who truly only cares about herself. She just doesn't care anymore if in fact she ever really cared at all in my case.

[wilkerwhip]

I really appreciate all the advice. Thank you so much. Today I waved to her driving by on the way to work. She couldn't have sunk in her seat lower and then gave me this wave without even looking at me or smiling. In the 2.5 years of a rocky relationship I have never felt lower. I once again gave her the oppurtunity to rip my insides out in front of me. It was so bad that I had to pull over and catch my breath. I stayed late at work so I wouldn't have to pass her on the way out. I wrote her the email I wanted to send her again. Just to read it. I will never send it but I just need to know the answer so bad. What have I done to make you loathe me this much? My self esteem is such garbage and always has been. Its quite obvious when I need validation from someone like her. I have always made excuses to myself for her that she is young. Age difference aside, I made the sacrifices that she took advantage of over and over again. I know that I am the one that should be accountable for how I feel right now. Set myself up to be a doormat and hung out to dry when it was convenient for her to leave. Never figured after all this time I would be worse than I was the first time she left me. But thats the way it is. Going to try to eat something tonight and maybe get some sleep. Thanks again to everyone.

[dramallama]

wilkerwhip - I think now is the best time to pull back for good. NC will bring your self-esteem back and you will realise that you don't need validation from anyone else. I think using the time when you are single to centre yourself and vow to keep yourself centred when in a relationship would be good. You put her on a pedestal so next time respect yourself first and foremost because you don't NEED anyone else to make you happy if you are happy with yourself.

[Cutlet]

When an ex acts cold like that, I don't think it's that they don't care. Sometimes its the opposite, they just feel guilty about what happened.

 

My girlfriend went completely no contact the day she dumped me but I know deep down its cause she still cares. She's just trying to make the break as easy as possible for both of us.

 

It still hurts that she hasn't contacted me since but I know she loved me and that the relationship meant something to her.

I know it's hard to deal with because it does come accross like she's acting heartless that but what’s the alternative?

 

I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is lead you on.

[Shane Falco]

When an ex acts cold like that, I don't think it's that they don't care. Sometimes its the opposite, they just feel guilty about what happened.

 

My girlfriend went completely no contact the day she dumped me but I know deep down its cause she still cares. She's just trying to make the break as easy as possible for both of us.

 

It still hurts that she hasn't contacted me since but I know she loved me and that the relationship meant something to her.

I know it's hard to deal with because it does come accross like she's acting heartless that but what’s the alternative?

 

I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is lead you on.

 

That's how I perceive it as well. Acting cold is precisely what the term suggests -- it's an act. There's some unresolved junk going on, be it guilt, anger, confusion, regret, inadequacy, etc., and it's just easier to shut down than to confront those things, especially when you first encounter your ex/the person you have/had feelings for.

 

I went through this situation this past weekend. I encountered a girl who I developed (and still have) feelings for for the first time since her and I had a break almost a couple months ago. As far as what cause our break, she's the sister-in-law of one of my best friends who I started hanging out with for a few months pretty regularly for a few months and lines got blurred. She was giving me countless signs she wanted more and I fell hard. I developed strong feelings and attachment which scared me due to their rapid nature and intensity, so I drunkenly pulled the eject lever, only to immediately regret my actions. However, she withdrew from me so after a few unanswered texts/calls, I pulled back for about a month and didn't try to contact her.

 

Anyway, I finally saw her this past weekend for the first time since I wigged out. I had talked to her via text a couple times during the week which seemed to go well (she even invited me to an event which I couldn't attend), but the first in-person meeting was not overly pleasant. She wouldn't hug me hello (which was a first), she was cold, acted annoyed by most things I was doing or saying (though I wasn't acting any different than I normally do and was acting in a way that she ate up before), making occasional snide comments and going out of her way to ignore most things I said or just keep her distance from me. I didn't make a big deal out of it, I just did my thing, talked to my best friend and his wife (her sister) and acted like I wasn't noticing her behavior. The reason I knew it was an act was because she'd occasionally break character and laugh at something I said, or smile. I'd occasionally call her by the pet name that I dubbed for her and she'd smile for a split second. But once I saw her reacting positively, she'd go out of her way to get back into cold, ignoring mode. I think my friend was more weirded out by it than I was -- he said he never saw her act like that at all. But I paid it no mind, I even gave her a quick rub on the shoulder when she left that she surprisingly didn't tense up toward or try to get away from.

 

We were supposed to go to breakfast as a group the next day but my buddy and I passed, as I didn't want to hang out with the alien version of the girl I was in to. The day after that we hung out again and my ex (for lack of a better word, as we weren't really ever a couple) was markedly better. She did debate with me about certain things, but it was closer to the banter we had when we were seeing each other. She wasn't trying to get away when I was close to her (even sat in the backseat with me willingly) and was even talking to me one on one unprompted on occasion. There was no flirting from either side, but it was almost normal besides that. At the end of the second encounter she gave me a hug and told me "I'm sure I'll see you soon." Seemed to be quite the change in mood from 48 hours before, where she was convinced that I had AIDS.

 

Now I have no idea if I'll ever get back what I had with this girl (odds point to no just due to percentages) or go further, but it was very interesting being on the other side of this. I had been cold and acting bitter toward women that I had struck out with in the past, but this was the first time I had been on the other side of the coin. I guess my advice is to not react to it and not break character -- act like everything she (or he) is doing is what you expect. I think they act cold, aloof and standoffish to intentionally mess with you, get you angry and use that anger as justification for their behavior. When you don't take the bait, it screws them up and they'll be quicker to drop the act.