Everything was wonderful- Now it's over.

[hazelnut321]

I'm so glad I found this site! Most of the posters seem to be savvy and many in their 40s. I would love to get your input.

 

I am a successful, young feeling 50 year old female who has been single for 18 years. I have a 25 year old daughter who lives 800 miles away. We are incredibly close, and try to see each other every couple of months.

 

I ended an 8 year relationship in 2005 and have done a bit of online dating since. However, I'm no "serial dater"- I enjoy being in a committed relationship.

 

I met Jorge 13 months ago. I felt an instant attraction when I saw him accross the room. It's never faded. I still get butterflies. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I grew to love him rather quickly.

 

His circumstance is very different. I was the first person he dated since his divorce.He was divorced almost 2 years after being married for 20 when we met and still not completely healed. The reason they split up was because she met someone else- He admittedly didn't spend enough time with her. He said she was selfish and cold, but maintained a good sex life. He was 100% faithful to her during the marriage- He is a firm believer in monogamy. His history with me is stellar in that regard. He has 2 teens (13 and 16). They've had a rough time with the divorce. The 13 year old is in therapy, depressed and on medication. The 16 year old is dealing with alot of anger. He's very much "hands on" with the kids- seeing them 3-4 days every week. He and his ex lived within walking distance of each other for that reason. He was protective of his children and I didn't meet them until almost 6 months of dating. I respected that. I've been very understanding that his kids come first. He's the most loving father that I've ever met.

 

Jorge and I were spending every other weekend together- from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, either at his place or mine- I would park in his garage so the children wouldn't see my car there. We also spent every other Thursday night together. There wasn't ever any conflict to speak of. We got along wonderfully-like Frick and Frack, laughing, cooking together, making love (not just sex- off the chart lovemaking) and talking for hours on end. He has taken me on some wonderful outings as well. He was always one to get in touch with me 3-4 times a day. I never felt neglected. Lots of PDA as well.

 

However, we have one giant issue. He has never said he loves me. We've had a few conversations about it, and he has said that he doesn't say it unless he is ready to be married or in a co-habiting relationship. I wasn't accustomed to that at all. I found a way to put that in the recesses of my subconsciousness most of the time. His actions were so loving! Usually I was so happy living in the moment that it didn't bother me too much. But about every 3-4 months, I would find myself feeling insecure about us and I would act out a little, being a bit curt or distant.

 

This finally reached a boiling point last weekend. He moved to a condo. He was previously living in the house that he and his ex brought up the children in. It was full of memories and too big for his needs. He said it would be a fresh start for him and he was happy to move. Unfortunately the kids are no longer able to jump from one house to the next within a couple of minutes. During the summer, the children aren't in school, so I knew things would change with the living arrangements. Since his daughter is depressed and has occasional thoughts of suicide- her therapist recommended that she never be left alone. The ex works out of her home, so she agreed to care for her Monday thru Friday. Jorge gets her every weekend. I wouldn't mind that a bit- I love being aorund his children, but I didn't know how it would work for the overnight stays. Jorge made it clear that we would find a way during the week. We live an hour from each other.

 

Getting back to the boiling point-- I was at his new place, working very hard to clean the kitchen- it was VERY dirty, while he was at the old house with the movers. After about 4 hours of intense labor, my insecurity crept in and I started wondering- "hmmm, if the shoe were on the other foot, would he do this for me?" I would have to be in love with someone to be available and work so hard (this was the 2nd weekend that I had spent, busting my behind). When he got to the house with the movers, I told him that I had to go and would see him later. I left in a bit of a huff. I then sent him an email stating that it wasn't healthy for me to feel that I'm loving without reciprocation and it is also not healthy to stifle it when I feel like saying "I love you". (When I have let it slip in the past, it has led to some awkward conversations.)

 

The next day he called and said that his daughter will be spending every weekend with him for the summer and that he and his son have some work to do on getting their relationship back on track as well. "So I guess this is the end of the line for us" I said. He said yes, he guessed it was- that he needs to get his house in order literally and figuratively and is going to spend the summer and fall doing that.

 

My heart is broken- I miss him more than I can say. I haven't contacted him and I won't. Any advice? I guess I should get on with my life- but finding someone who I get on with so well isn't going to be easy. I've been around the block enough times to know this.

[tresqua]

Maybe the two of you can reconnect down the line when the kids are not such a big liability.

 

Sounds like he's into you but he's putting all his time and effort into his kids.

 

While that's commendable, there really needs to be a balance. Parents are allowed to have a social life too.

 

As far as the "I love you' thing goes, I personally believe you're being unreasonable. I think the word "love" is completely ambiguious, it means 10 things to 10 people and I've never been comfortable with it either. I finally started telling my girlfriend I love her, she's the first one since the end of my marriage who has heard that word from me, and the main reason I can say it is because it sounds good, and she's got a soft and sexy voice and I like to hear her whisper it in my ear, and to me it means nothing more than "I have very strong feelings for you and I like to stick my penis in your VJ".

[mouseno4]

Hey im not 40!

[hazelnut321]

Tresqua---hmmmm. Interesting perspective on the "I love you" thing. I wish I was more confident and could do without hearing it. I was raised with very little love shown in my family, my mom left when I was 8. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I know myself well enough to know that I need to hear it.

 

Thanks for the input- I hope you are right about reconnecting at some point! I've noticed by reading some of the posts here, that "NC" seems to be a popular approach on many relationship issues. I've never been one to call, beg or whine anyway.

[Melting]

I feel your pain, almost the same thing happened to me when I got involved with a seperated man.... He deceided in the end he needed to sort his life out before he could give me anything...

 

Im sorry that your feeling this way and yes it is harder as you get older to find someone you really connect with.

 

NC is the best option for you. He needs to sort himself out, before he can be that special person to you..

 

Im 2mths along and still think of mine every day, the pain just lessens as time passes.. it doesn't make me want him any less though

[tresqua]

Tresqua---hmmmm. Interesting perspective on the "I love you" thing. I wish I was more confident and could do without hearing it.

 

Even if you "heard it", it's just a word. I doubt you could read 10 random threads on this board and not find one where a person was dumped even though their partner professed their love as recently as a few weeks before they said "sorry things just aren't working out".

 

Every relationship is a risk, you never know what the other person is thinking, look at their actions and not what they say, confidence and security come from within yourself not externally.

[He2Him]

I can't provide any advice in this case, so I'll wish you luck finding someone as ''compatible'' instead

Second time I quote this, but I guess it fits again: ''You can't give up, when you looking for that diamond in the rough, because you never know when it shows up.''

 

And as a side note, I wish ''Everything was wonderful- Now it's over.'' would be my last words followed by a cheeky grin. Haha.

[catfeeder]

Weddings, funerals, illnesses, births and moving are among the most stressful 'crisis rites' of passage most people experience. They bring all of us closer to 'tilt' than we imagined possible, and the people around us had better decide quickly whether they want to be supportive or out of the way--or any combo of the two. Anything outside of those parameters is provocative and disruptive. It corners the stressed person into making their crisis about someone else--or having them gone. Most people pick gone.

 

I threw myself into my sister's wedding and executed everything asked of me. I gave without expectations, which made it a gift. Had I picked the day of her wedding to churn all the times she stole my clothes, I'd have just flipped a switch on my gift. I've now turned it into a contract with secret conditions and at the most inappropriate time to provoke a response from her.

 

Your BF was closing his long time household and making difficult life changes. It was the worst possible time to switch your voluntary gift into a contract to be renegotiated. That doesn't mean contracts are 'bad,' it means that picking the right time for them is the only way to navigate successfully. You set this man up to decide whether he wanted to manage another layer of stress on top of his current crisis. He opted not, and the probability of his reversing his feelings about that are likely in direct proportion to your willingness to recognize and acknowledge exactly what you did when he needed that the least.

 

If he ever contacts you, I'd make the opportunity less about what I want from him and more about atoning for my inappropriate timing. I'd demo that I can put myself in his shoes, and while I'd offer understanding if he's unable to forgive me, I'd still sleep better at night knowing that I expressed what he likely believes that I'm not aware enough to grasp.

[learning2relax]

Hi Hazelnut,

 

You are new and don't have enough posts yet for me to be able to PM you. You and I have parallel stories with ever so slight differences. The "I Love You" thing was a deal breaker for me too but in a very slightly different way. And we tried twice. He was divorced 1.5 years after a 12 year marriage. It ended when he found pictures on her phone of her new boyfriend. She has a daughter that he has raised since she was 6 mos old. She was 16 at the time, she is 18 now. She also did not know about our relationship.

 

You are NOT alone. In fact, it is very comforting to see that someone else has had almost the identical situation as I have. I am 45. At the time of our relationship. I was 43 and he was 49. We tried twice to make things work. It has been 1.5 years and I am in a much better place. I can't tell you that I don't miss him, miss us and wish that he would reach out if only just to keep in touch. At the same time, I realize that it is probably best that he doesn't. Double edged sword really.

 

Hang in there. I don't envy where you are at this very moment. I honestly don't want to feel like that ever again. It hurts so badly and there is nothing to make it stop. It is simply something you have to process to get through.

 

I am here for you. Feel free to reach out and PM me when you have the ability to do so. My heart goes out to you.

 

All the best....

[hazelnut321]

Hi Melting, Thanks for the reply. I've got almost 10 years on you- yes it's a different world when you're older- thank God for the internet, bars certainly aren't an option unless you're in your 20s or 30s.It's especially tough in Atlanta where women largely outnumb

 

However I don't worry about statistics too much. I know that I have alot to offer in a relationship, and that isn't lost on most men.

[hazelnut321]

I knew I was writing a darned novel-- I thought it important for the reader to know the background. It was important. Sorry- Young Mouseno4. You Aussies are quite direct. ;-) That's one reason that I joined this site.

[hazelnut321]

Finding this site was nothing less than Divine Intervention, Learning2Relax!! To find people like you who have gone through something very similar helps me somehow. You are a newbie at being without your guy like me. I've got to believe that it gets better with time.

 

I'm going to give him some time to gather himself and be with his children- During my daughter's teenage years, there were times that were so stressful that I had nothing left to give a partner--- and he has 2 teenagers!

 

However, I won't wait forever. I'm ready to find my life partner.

[hazelnut321]

You are correct about the timing. I've obviously got issues. I say that with no sarcasm.

 

I like your end quote. That's another thing that you are correct about catfeeder!

[learning2relax]

Finding this site was nothing less than Divine Intervention, Learning2Relax!! To find people like you who have gone through something very similar helps me somehow. You are a newbie at being without your guy like me. I've got to believe that it gets better with time.

 

I'm going to give him some time to gather himself and be with his children- During my daughter's teenage years, there were times that were so stressful that I had nothing left to give a partner--- and he has 2 teenagers!

 

However, I won't wait forever. I'm ready to find my life partner.

 

Yes, I agree. I was talking to a friend about that very fact recently. There were times with my daughter and my young son where I had nothing left to give anyone else.

 

Divorce after 20 years, I have to imagine is tough and will take a fair amount of processing. And given the fact that it was that she left for someone else, that is a HUGE blow to anyone's ego, self esteem and self confidence.

 

Mine, divorced for 1.5 years off of a 12 year marriage. In that 1.5 years after the divorce, his dad passed 5 months after the divorce was final. His mom passed the next year in the summer. Needless to say, there was a lot of unresolved issues. I don't think he really ever got through processing his divorce (looking back now, I realize this) and then to lose his dad that he was caring for, then his Mom was diagnosed with cancer and hung on for a little less then a year. So with all of that, coupled with the fact that we were an LDR (1.5 hours drive apart), we worked together and no one at work was aware, the work place is toxic, I got let go.......it was more than just about anyone could handle. I have gone through my own series of losses that started with the end of our relationship. And I am 1.5 years out and I am still recovering. I have to be fair and figure that everyone has their own time lines.

 

Similar to what I believe you stated, I had been single for a long while and my relationship previous to him was 15 years and had ended 3 years prior to our seeing one another. So another thing to consider is that we are ready, willing and able and they aren't. It took us a while to get there.

 

I don't hold out hope. I am more focused on my healing at this point. I still have a lot to recover from. I am still unemployed and never have been in this situation in my life. As a single parent, it is a very scary place to be. Quite honestly, I have too much to deal with right now that I am really no good for anyone. However, the loss of friendships, the relationship and my job that I have suffered in the past 1.5 years has been tough to take. His were more permanent losses with his parents. Mine are just people that couldn't handle my situation and chose not to communicate with me any more. Most of them were at work so I have also had to re-evaluate balance or the lack of in my life. I half laugh when I state this to my tried and true friends that have stuck by me through all of this and state, I hope that this is also my mid-life crisis because if I still have that coming, I am toast!

 

Chin up! Be strong for you and especially for your daughter. It is tough. Timing is everything and ours was just off with the people that we happened to connect so well with. It just really irks me sometimes when I think that I never went looking, when I met him - never looked at him that way, lightening struck and timing just worked against us. I am picky when it comes to dating and quite honestly, wasn't looking for it then and certainly NOT looking for it now. I have too much to deal with and want to enjoy time with my 13 year old son. He will be gone before I know it.

 

Hang in there! If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend, I am here. I have been there. I know it is tough. One foot in front of the other...... One day at a time. You will get there. I promise.

[hazelnut321]

That is very true and not lost on me Tresqua! I don't know how old you are, but you seem pretty wise. With time we get to know ourselves better and better. Although we never see ourselves completely objectively, we learn more about what works and what doesn't with a potential partner.

 

I must have verbal affirmation that I am loved to thrive in a relationship. Not all the time- just every few days or so. Is that so wrong???

[Melting]

Everybody is different and I believe alot of it comes down to confidence.

 

As soon as my insecurities arise in a relationship, I seem to go abit "needy". But the way I look at it is, if it were all going smoothly then my insecurities wouldn't arise.

 

I do find it amazing though, that alot of men in this situation cannot handle too many stresses in their lives, wheras we just soldier on. Mine just wanted me to be patient with him, but I wasn't willing to settle for last position in his life.

 

Feel free to pm me

[Tired Tiger]

I do find it amazing though, that alot of people in this situation cannot handle too many stresses in their lives, wheras others just soldier on.

 

There - I fixed that for ya.

[Melting]

lol - Thank you

[learning2relax]

I do find it amazing though, that alot of men in this situation cannot handle too many stresses in their lives, wheras we just soldier on.

 

Isn't that the truth!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

when I feel like saying "I love you". (When I have let it slip in the past, it has led to some awkward conversations.)

 

This is what struck me about your post. I agree with Catfeeder that your timing was not great to act out and re-visit this topic. However, I wouldn't say that it all boils down to your insecurities. Yes, a lot of people throw around the words "I love you" when they don't really mean it or feel it, or when it is just infatuation they are feeling. However, there are also a lot of people who believe in the overused expression "love is actions" and therefore if they "act" as if they really love the person then eventually they might actually be able to "feel" in love with the person. In other words, there are plenty of people who do the PDAs, are very attentive to the partner and all the actions point to intense love...however, beneath the surface they are not actually feeling the love. It is all outer appearances with no inner substance. The fact that any time you brought up that you loved him it led to uncomfortable conversations indicates to me that he wasn't in love with you like you are with him. Lots of people pass the time with a partner without ever really truly loving them. So I don't think you were over-reacting...I think your gut was really telling you something...you realized that beneath the facade of loving actions, the true loving feelings were just not there from him. I think your actions simply made the inevitable split happen sooner rather than later...which, in the long run is better for you.

[hazelnut321]

Crazyaboutdogs, That's true-- and brutally honest.

 

And you're right, who has time to waste? umm- not me.

[catfeeder]

[...] I must have verbal affirmation that I am loved to thrive in a relationship. Not all the time- just every few days or so. Is that so wrong???

 

No, it's a perfectly valid desire. It can even be a requirement. That doesn't mean that the person you choose to live up to it will do so. That positions you to choose whether it's a dealbreaker, or not. While you may have hoped to delay that choice, your decision came out sideways. That decision was valid, too. It just didn't get you the results you wanted.

 

It's reasonable for me to say, "I want a partner who has eyesight," but it's not workable to say to a blind man, "…and I want YOU to be that man." There's nothing 'wrong' with being unwilling to accept someone else's clearly stated limitations. It just positions you to decide whether to live with something unacceptable or to walk away.

 

Sticking around under the pretense of accepting what you do not accept is dishonest. The problem with dishonesty is that it's manipulative and comes out in destructive ways when the manipulations don't 'work'. That's not only unhealthy, it won't get you what you want. It just warps your perceptions into making him a villain who won't change what he never claimed to be willing to change.

 

Rehashing and manipulating are not options. Your options were clear, but you didn't like them. The only way to reconcile what has been sidelined into the irreconcilable is to pull back and address your real options and to make a better choice. You've already learned that pretending that you can accept what's unacceptable to you is not an option.

 

In your corner.

[lavenderdove]

It sounds like his first priority needs to be his children, especially if one of them is suicidal. It's not the best time for him to be splitting his energies between dealing with getting his daugther emotionally healthy while trying to date someone one hour away.

 

And I think just as some people like to say/hear i love you constantly, other people feel like it is gratuitous and are uncomfortable doing so, and that it loses meaning when it is spouted multiple times a day. So neither of you is in the wrong per se, but just have different attitudes about that. That is something you could try to negotiate, but if you think the words 'i love you' are an absolute requirement all the time, and he feels they are special and should be used sparingly and reserved for someone he intends to commit to, then you are just incompatible on that issue.

 

But i do agree with CAD that it is problematic that he acted awkward when YOU said it. I can respect if he is the less effusive type who doesn't like to spout it constantly and you shouldn't try to force him to do so, BUT if he gets uncomfortable when you do it, most likely he is not feeling the same and also uncomfortable thinking you are more serious about him than he is about you at this moment in time.

 

So i think you met him at a time when you were available and ready and wanting a really serious relationship with constant i love you's, whereas he is recently divorced and dealing with the fallout and problems he is having with his kids and doesn't want the kind of commitment yet that 'i love you' implies to him. So he truly wasn't ready to really commit 100% to someone else, either his heart or his desire to get really serious at this point in time.

 

I do think though that your getting peevish and saying he didn't love you just because he didn't say it was a bit of an overreaction. I think many men are far more content to express their feelings of love by actions rather than words, and many get quite uncomfortable saying those words as men are taught to suppress/hide their emotions and tender feelings. And there are many a con man who use the 'i love you' words and empty promises to hook women in because they know they want to hear them, when they have no intention of actually following through on those words, but use them as a tool.

 

So i think you did overreact on that point, but there are obviously other things now that he needs to focus on like his suicidal daugther, so this breakup may have been inevitable. She needs 100% of her father's attention at this point in time and having a new GF underfoot wouldn't be appropriate.

[hazelnut321]

Hi Lavenderdove,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post! You're quite insightful and I appreciate your opinion.

 

However, I must correct you on one point. Throughout your response, you were saying that I need to hear those words "constantly". That simply isn't true. If I heard it every once in a while (once or twice a month), I would be very content. I've never heard it. He's very open with loving words to his children and siblings.

 

Unfortunately it's a dealbreaker- and it should be, in my opinion. I won't love alone.

[bunny45]

Hi Lavenderdove,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post! You're quite insightful and I appreciate your opinion.

 

However, I must correct you on one point. Throughout your response, you were saying that I need to hear those words "constantly". That simply isn't true. If I heard it every once in a while (once or twice a month), I would be very content. I've never heard it. He's very open with loving words to his children and siblings.

 

Unfortunately it's a dealbreaker- and it should be, in my opinion. I won't love alone.

 

If you don't mind me asking, I've been reading all your postings, when you said "I love you" to Jorge and he didn't respond what happened? Silence? Nervous laugh?