What would you do in this situation?

[Batya33]

 

In this case, as you fully understand you are his advocate, his voice in the world. Your job to make sure he is respected, his needs and his rights etc, as you know all this. Just keep it as your focus. Every time these issues arise and you feel uncomfortable, just bring to your mind you are his voice, the voice of his needs, the voice of his feelings with other people a lot of the time. It is not about you and not about the other person, it is about him. If they are insulted and you were polite who cares. If they are irritated again who cares, they are big people and can look after themselves, he can not. You are the protector of his rights.

 

That resonates with me - I often need a mantra in situations like that (not just with parenting) as a way to get centered. Thank you so much! I rep you even though I wasn't permitted to when I "clicked".

[Batya33]

What I'm getting from your situation is that you had to resist the urge to need validation - or to need to feel comfortable- for what you believed was right for your son. When I was in labor there was a cheerleader type nurse who kept telling me to push in a very loud, enthusiastic voice. I just couldn't bear it (freudian slip with "bear") -I knew she meant well but her style was grating on me at of course a very vulnerable moment. I felt like cursing, I was in such pain - instead I first said "I can't, please" and she yelled back "yes you can" and that's when I found my voice and said "you need to chill". My husband said that at that moment the other nurses looked at her with a look of "listen to her -chill". She did and she apologized to my husband a bit later since I was too out of it to hear an apology. It feels like that sometimes -finding my voice, putting aside the need for comfort/validation. The focus on what the goal is - and what a goal it is.... is going to help me a lot I am sure. I am really glad your son got what he needed -particularly in the special education system I have heard how challenging and frustrating it is to be an advocate for your child. So glad it worked out.

[Seraphim]

I don't think it was validation for me but rather frustrated at him being devalued. That is more what it is. I did not want to get so frustrated because I have had to fight a million times over to make sure he is properly challenged and supported. He has an IEP but he is in a regular class but with support. He is going Applied because he his Communication disability is too severe for him to keep up in Advanced even though he knows the concepts and has the knowledge. She wanted to put him below Applied and I felt he would not have enough challenge. It was really not validation, but for people to not make judgement of him based only on what they read on paper, but take the time to give him a chance and actually meet him before they judge. My heart breaks for him when they judge him without all the facts and assume he can not accomplish something.

[Daligal83]

Not to hijack, but Victoria I often work with children with developmental delays and I think professionals often forget to treat the child to their highest potential. It's very frustrating. It's not helping a kid to let them achieve less than what they are capable of. You should be proud that you are such a good advocate for your son. He's so lucky to have you. A lot of parents aren't willing to stand up to the education system or know it well enough to know what to fight for.

[anya1607307555]

Yes I agree. If he is not going to eat (i.e. if it is not his mealtime) I never take him to a sit down restaurant because he will last about 5 minutes at most sitting in a chair without eating or being interested in eating. I wouldn't want to subject anyone to that!

 

Oh, I'd order food for him. I just found it was better/easier on both of us if he was fed two smaller snack meals instead of his normal-sized later one. At least I knew if he didn't eat much of the later snack he wouldn't be as restless if he hadn't eaten at all, and I'd have one less thing to worry about.

 

From what you said, he is well-behaved and that has been noted by the regular staff so I can't imagine he was causing any bother, even if the sister had got him excitable (is that what you mean by riled?). Perhaps she may have been successful at encouraging him to eat if you were comfortable with that? With more exposure to those situations, your confidence will grow and it will become easier to know when to step in. I know for a fact I've (unintentionally) offended people when I've made decisions against the grain in my child's best interest, but I conduct myself as politely and respectfully as I can, and the rest I have to let go.

[Seraphim]

Not to hijack, but Victoria I often work with children with developmental delays and I think professionals often forget to treat the child to their highest potential. It's very frustrating. It's not helping a kid to let them achieve less than what they are capable of. You should be proud that you are such a good advocate for your son. He's so lucky to have you. A lot of parents aren't willing to stand up to the education system or know it well enough to know what to fight for.

 

Thank you.

[Seraphim]

 

That resonates with me - I often need a mantra in situations like that (not just with parenting) as a way to get centered. Thank you so much! I rep you even though I wasn't permitted to when I "clicked".

 

I am glad, that helps.

[Batya33]

I find that the whole eating thing -types of food/environment/schedule is such an individual thing at this age! Thanks for your advice!

[sunnyhappydays]

So as a non parent who would probably make the same mistake - I agree completely with the parents on this thread... but (dare I say it) you seem to be overreacting a touch. You seem to judge your friend for bringing her sister and then seem to have the sister written off as some neanderthal for not understanding exactly how to react to your child. Why not just assume people have good intentions until it is otherwise shown? I doubt you've behaved 100% perfectly your entire life. Also, you can't really blame other people if you lack the ability to assert yourself calmly and in a non-uncomfortable way - that's kind of on you. You are blaming them for making you feel a certain way but your feeling is 100% within your control.

 

I'm not saying this to be rude but just that in the "stern not stern" debate it just hinted at something I've found in very polite "nice" people who have trouble asserting themselves. One - they can get very resentful and frustrated at people who have no clue. Two - when they do assert themselves, they can go overboard and be quite rude. Usually because they feel that they've been communicating and have not been listened to. And it can be a bit offputting.

 

So instead of saying "yeah, I get what you mean. I wouldn't use the word stern, I'd probably say firm because stern seems to imply hardness in demeanor but I do try to stick up for my kid." you get almost pointlessly aggressive with someone who's clearly on your side (like the friend and sister were). You know, you win more friends with honey.

[Batya33]

I wrote that she had good intentions. If I didn't write those exact words I meant to. I didn't expect her to know what to do, and my focus was more on what I should do after asking the person to stop behaving in a way that was riling up my child - should I just suck it up or say more and if so, what? I don't think that's an overreaction. So, no, I didn't blame her in my post. I wasn't thrilled that my friend changed the plan a half hour before we were to meet to include someone else because that precluded us from catching up at the restaurant and meant she couldn't spend the rest of the evening with me. I don't think disappointment in the situation is an overreaction.

 

I don't expect perfection in myself - if I did I never would have had children -and I don't expect perfection in others. I can see where you might have interpreted my post in that way but that is not what I wrote or meant.

 

I do find that mothers of young children are often criticized in this manner, probably because when you're out and about with a toddler/young child you attract far more attention than if you were alone or with other adults and there are far more situations where the mother has to politely assert herself on behalf of her child. The most mundane things like waiting in line for a cashier, at a security checkpoint at the airport, being in an elevator -can become situations that require intervention where without the child there would be no interaction or at most a "hey how are you" kind of thing. Much of the interactions are positive but often in my experience and what I see with other parents are unsolicited advice about whether the child is wearing socks, what to do if he is fussing, etc.

In my view "it takes a village" to raise a child so 99.9% of the time I react in a lighthearted or neutral way (or in a thankful way for unsolicited advice and opinions that are helpful!) but it does mean having to make fairly regular decisions in situations where before I had a child it would have been utterly routine/mundane. I'm not complaining about it- this is the life and job I chose and I love it - it's just a very different way to interact with people.

 

And with all those additional interactions mothers are probably more likely to have to be assertive with strangers and to encounter a whole range of reactions from highly positive to highly critical, depending on the person and the situation (and yes I think there is a gender factor here - my sense is that mothers are more often targeted than fathers for parenting decisions but that's just my personal experience!).

 

It was not helpful the other night to hear that my child wasn't disrupting others and that the behavior could continue because I know my child and I know he was headed in a direction that would very soon disrupt others if the behavior continued. Had it just been my friend and myself that would have been very unlikely to happen -she's been around him several times and she most likely wouldn't behave that way and certainly would stop if I asked her to. That's not meant to blame the other person but it reminds me that given my lifestyle choice I should try to avoid situations where I am alone with my child (without my husband or a person of similar relation to our child) and asked to join people for dinner he has not met, where I'm expected to be able to socialize with the other people and care for him. Even if they ignore him it's still at this stage a bit too difficult for me to multitask to that extent (and so the benefit of being out to dinner would be outweighed by the added stress). I'm sure other parents could handle it better than me but I need to be better at knowing my limitations. Live and learn.

 

As far as my disagreement over the word "stern" that is in a context of typing a message back to someone about a word that I felt was an inaccurate way to describe my behavior - I didn't think my response was "pointlessly aggressive" as you put it. We can agree to disagree. Thanks for your input!

[Batya33]

I thought more about the gender distinction and was reminded of the time last year my husband was told by a stranger, sternly, to take our child out of his stroller and hold him because he was cranky at the airport while we were waiting to be called to board. The fussiness had lasted for a few minutes at that point. My husband knew that that wouldn't be a good idea and so he continued to try to keep him calm. So perhaps it's just that it's more typical for a mother to be alone with her baby/young child than a dad and nothing to do with giving unsolicited parenting advice to a woman more than to a man.

[Batya33]

All of your input made me remember another part that shows how true it is about people not knowing what it's like to care for a toddler at a restaurant at dinner time (a bad time of day for many toddlers as I've seen). At the end of the meal I quickly cleaned up all of my son's food/bowls/etc, got the stroller, got him ready to go, got him in the stroller as quickly as possible so his crankiness at being moved wouldn't escalate, etc - and my friend exclaimed "wow it's a lot of work!" To me that's easier than the during the meal part -I have my routine down pat, it's predictable. I need to keep reminding myself that others' perceptions of what the job entails might be very different from my perception. I knew this earlier - a number of these posts (like Daligal's, about dealing with the child that was brought to the office) reminded me of it again. That's helpful -thanks!

[anya1607307555]

I thought more about the gender distinction and was reminded of the time last year my husband was told by a stranger, sternly, to take our child out of his stroller and hold him because he was cranky at the airport while we were waiting to be called to board. The fussiness had lasted for a few minutes at that point. My husband knew that that wouldn't be a good idea and so he continued to try to keep him calm. So perhaps it's just that it's more typical for a mother to be alone with her baby/young child than a dad and nothing to do with giving unsolicited parenting advice to a woman more than to a man.

 

I wonder if the stranger was female? I found women were more likely than men to put forth their advice/share their experience.

 

In situations like this, I found plastering a polite smile on my face and saying 'thanks' worked well. It's not always easy to remain polite and upbeat, and tests your patience to no-end! lol. Of course, I also listened and gave thought to their advice (afterwards) because very often they were right and helped me in future situations. It can be annoying/intimidating when it happens, as you know every parent has pre-conceived ideas of how they will raise their children, but I found it challenged and changed some of mine for the better.

[Batya33]

I wonder if the stranger was female? I found women were more likely than men to put forth their advice/share their experience.

 

In situations like this, I found plastering a polite smile on my face and saying 'thanks' worked well. It's not always easy to remain polite and upbeat, and tests your patience to no-end! lol. Of course, I also listened and gave thought to their advice (afterwards) because very often they were right and helped me in future situations. It can be annoying/intimidating when it happens, as you know every parent has pre-conceived ideas of how they will raise their children, but I found it challenged and changed some of mine for the better.

 

Yes she was a female ;-). Your experience -and the way you react -is exactly the same as mine. I am openminded (within reason of course) and I love the tips and suggestions that I get especially where you can't believe you never thought of trying whatever it is. Thanks!

[anya1607307555]

You're welcome, I don't think you need advice but I know we all need reassurance sometimes.

[Seraphim]

I thought more about the gender distinction and was reminded of the time last year my husband was told by a stranger, sternly, to take our child out of his stroller and hold him because he was cranky at the airport while we were waiting to be called to board. The fussiness had lasted for a few minutes at that point. My husband knew that that wouldn't be a good idea and so he continued to try to keep him calm. So perhaps it's just that it's more typical for a mother to be alone with her baby/young child than a dad and nothing to do with giving unsolicited parenting advice to a woman more than to a man.

 

I think there is a lot of gender difference. You are right, women are FAR more critical of other women when it comes to parenting.Men almost never get told by other men how to parent their kids. I see fathers out with their young kids and the kid look like it rolled out of bed 4 minutes ago with it's hair sticking up and two different socks and shorts in the winter or winter boots or rain boots in the summer, because "that is what little Johnny wanted to wear" and more than likely dad did not know where to look. The kid is covered in ketchup and whatever,and the kid is jumping up and down on the chair while he eats. but hey everyone is smiling and dad is entirely oblivious to the stares of 53 women boring into the back of his head. Usually when men get "schooled" by a strange woman about his parenting he shrugs and thinks "eh whatever." Or as my husband does (because he trusts me implicitly to know EVERYTHING about child care) and let's out this bewildered," Honey???" with this look of desperation on his face.

 

Women on the other hand if they get "schooled" by another woman on our parenting we take this as a mortal offense. Our child is the most important "job" of our life. So the reasoning behind this is " How DARE you tell ME, I am not doing the right job." I think every woman has had to keep her mouth shut when it comes to parenting of another woman,unless it is a case of abuse.( I know sometimes I have been guilty of offering unsolicited advice which I should not do. If people ASK then I do tell them the way I do it.) Sometimes more women should keep their mouth shut in my estimation. It is a hard road to be a mother for sure.

 

You are doing fine Batya, you just need confidence in being sure that your choices are the right ones. This will come. You are still a "new" mom. Even an "old" mom like me still has moments of doubt if I am doing the best thing I can for my son. There will always be these days. Just trust in yourself.

[Batya33]

Thanks Victoria and Anya. Not to go too far off topic but I wonder sometimes if mothers don't take the time to teach fathers how to care for a baby/toddler if they know more about it, preferring to do it themselves or not wanting to take the extra time to teach/show - and then there becomes this learned helplessness on the part of the men.

 

My son rarely has matching socks -one of the little things I had to let go.

[Seraphim]

Thanks Victoria and Anya. Not to go too far off topic but I wonder sometimes if mothers don't take the time to teach fathers how to care for a baby/toddler if they know more about it, preferring to do it themselves or not wanting to take the extra time to teach/show - and then there becomes this learned helplessness on the part of the men.

 

My son rarely has matching socks -one of the little things I had to let go.

 

Well I can only speak for myself. My husband and baby and toddler care were like two different universes. He could change a mean diaper but that was about it. If it was deemed "complicated" by him my son was instantly handed to me and he said," you handle it", because he was beyond frustrated. My husband is frustrated at the drop of a hat and he felt it was MY job to do the baby care. Mind you my husband was raised by parents who were born in the early 1930's. His father made it VERY plain looking after children was "woman's work". So my husband was pretty hands off. I would get frustrated at times because I wanted him to be more involved but at the same time I am incredibly particular especially about my son. His care had to be of an absolute standard. His clothes were all set up in perfectly little outfits with everything matching and I wanted things done particular ways. My husband had NO patience for that and I guess may be he was right. But truth be told he felt I knew baby care best and it was best left up to me.

[anya1607307555]

Thanks Victoria and Anya. Not to go too far off topic but I wonder sometimes if mothers don't take the time to teach fathers how to care for a baby/toddler if they know more about it, preferring to do it themselves or not wanting to take the extra time to teach/show - and then there becomes this learned helplessness on the part of the men.

 

My son rarely has matching socks -one of the little things I had to let go.

 

I definitely think it's an imbalance in many relationships. But as much as I think women could make steps in teaching men how to care for their child, I think many just need to step back and allow the men to parent in their own way. I think the way men interact, care for and play with their children is unique and should be valued more. Perhaps due to the fact I was parenting alone, but it's something I noticed often in other couples.

 

I'm fortunate that my bro-in-law has willingly taken on a hands-on relationship with my son, alongside his own two children (my son is same age as their eldest, theirs are 11mths apart). He would often take care of all three for hours whilst my sister and I had time to ourselves. I distinctly remember a time we returned to find the 'boys' crashed out on the sofa engrossed in a film. He'd taken them tramping in the woods, made them swords from sticks, cooked and fed them, even taken a trip to A&E as their youngest had taken a tumble and needed stitches in his chin. They were exhausted but happy, it was a priceless moment. I was in awe. Sadly all my sister seemed to notice was the untidy house and the non-nutritious meal he'd fed them. She's not a bad person but if looks could kill that day..grr lol.

[Batya33]

Oh I agree in the stepping back part -it's my main focus. What I meant by teaching was to be willing, when asked how to do whatever needs to be done, to show and to be patient if either it takes longer, is done a different (but basically as effective) way, or both! My husband once left the living room exactly as it looked right before he put our son to bed -toys and various household items strewn all over because he wanted me to see how they had played with, I think, a bed sheet. Obviously it wasn't fun to start cleaning it up near midnight when I got home but I thought it was very sweet that he wanted me to have that behind the scenes look lol. I love that our son plays so differently with each of us and that he is so close to both of us. It's also valuable to physically step back and watch the other parent play with the child - it looks very different from several feet away than up close!

[anya1607307555]

Cute!

 

Yeah, I realise it's somewhat easy for me to comment from afar. I may have been guilty of the same but I'd like to think I would strive for balance.

[tiredofvampires]

I can't directly relate, but I'm sure it's not easy. It's hard to find that balance between saying what you need to say and not coming off as rude or overbearing or anything. Especially when it's someone who is not around your child a lot.

 

I completely agree with this, and everything else you've said, Dali.

 

Even though I'm aware that kids have schedules, I have no way of knowing that at THIS particular time, it's off limits to play with him, or what his normal behavioral patterns are. My natural instinct is to want to interact in a lively way with a 2-year-old. Sometimes the kid has already eaten, is not hungry, and is just playing with his/her food anyway, so they're bored and wouldn't eat anyhow, for all I know.

 

I'm not insulted when someone tells me what's going on, but it's all in HOW it's said. It feels far more graceful if someone says, "Wow, he's just lovin' all this attention! But he really does have to calm down now and eat, so let's leave him alone to do that" than to say, "I really appreciate your playing with my son, but he's getting too wired from it and won't eat." The first would just let me know that I should leave him alone, the second would make me feel like I'd just done something wrong.

[Batya33]

Now my recollection is that I might not have said anything to her -I might have simply tried to calm him with the reaction being "oh he's fine don't worry" - I don't think I said "you're riling him up" or anything like that. My instincts with 2 year olds always was to let them take the lead and if I initiated contact to start lower level and see what the reaction was especially because of "shyness". Not saying I am right - just how I typically reacted.

[OptomisticGirl]

I react the same way TOV does. I smile, he smiles, I continue. But I have been around kids and I guess expect parents to gently tell me now isn't the time for that if I'm not suppose to be playing with him.

[Batya33]

I react the same way TOV does. I smile, he smiles, I continue. But I have been around kids and I guess expect parents to gently tell me now isn't the time for that if I'm not suppose to be playing with him.

 

Yes that's what I do too. If it's a child I don't know I usually don't start at high intensity because the child might be frightened since he doesn't know me, etc. I love when people are playful with my son. When we're in a restaurant playing is fine too as long as it's not at too high a level of intensity that gets him riled up and potentially disruptive to others. And at some point when he's a little older it won't be fair if he understands to use his "inside voice" in a restaurant or similar public place but the adults are egging him on to be loud. He's starting to understand that but not quite there yet. He does often react to high intensity behavior by intensifying his behavior - makes sense to me!