What would you do in this situation?

[Batya33]

Last night I was supposed to meet a dear friend for a quick bite at a local, casual restaurant to which I frequently take my 2 year old - they know us, they love kids, it is usually empty-ish when I go and he is typically well-behaved (based on my opinion and the regular comments of the waiters and customers). (we were supposed to do our real catching up after dinner when my son was asleep but we knew we wanted to grab a bite).

 

At the last minute my friend asked if she could bring her sister who had unexpectedly stopped by her office and wanted company for dinner. I knew we wouldn't be able to catch up in the same way (and knew that it would be hard to juggle talking to two people and taking care of my son) but I didn't think it was right to say no.

 

My son was more on the "active" side than usual and I know how to keep him calm when he is like that so that he is not disturbing anyone else. The sister was all over him however (we knew each other as children), and was riling him up. I asked her nicely to keep things a bit calmer and they both said "oh don't worry -he's not bothering anyone" - but I was worried - I also wanted him to eat which he doesn't do as well when he's riled up (just like me!). I didn't say more, just tried doubly hard to keep him distracted (from her) and calm and to get him to eat (which meant I barely ate but that sometimes goes with the territory).

 

If you've been in those situations, do you say more to the person who's well-meaning but riling up your child or do you just suck it up? This is why I don't plan restaurant meals that include people I don't know (or who are like this around children) unless my husband is there and can entertain the person or help keep our son calm/eating. I actually much prefer people who ignore him as long as they understand that my attention is divided. I probably should have rescheduled but it was so last minute and my friend didn't have her phone with her.

[lavenderdove]

I'm of two minds about this.

 

If a mother tells you to stop doing something with her child, you should just stop, even if you think what you are doing is harmless.

 

But at the same time, it's not the end of the world if your son doesn't eat much for one meal and can eat a little later. And i think it is pretty impossible for most people to ignore a cute 2 year old, so that expectation that people should ignore your child to keep him on schedule probably is a little too uptight.

 

What I would have probably done was tell the sister that you didn't want to wind him up too much because that could be annoying for other people dining there, and could she wait until after dinner to play with him when you all could have a run around outside your son would enjoy? So try to distract the sister in the same way you would the two year old!

[prettynthecity]

I think you could be polite, yet firm and say, "I really appreciate your good intentions in playing with my son, but unfortunately when he gets a little excited it's very hard for him to concentrate on eating and I really want him to eat. Can you play with him afterwards?"

 

I think any rational person would be ok with that. You're the mother, not her. You're not asking her to do something totally out of line and she should respect your wishes.

[Batya33]

Unfortunately he can't eat later because it's bed time later so that wasn't an option. I'm totally fine with people paying attention to him - that's most often a positive -but riling him up at a restaurant can be a problem and IMO since I know my child and she never met him, if I think he's getting riled up the "riler" should stop. I know I would. Point taken about rigidity and schedules -I work not to be like that but his eating and sleeping -and schedules -are what keeps him so happy and energetic - both because he loves the routine/structure and because the nourishment/rest lets him play happily when he's awake/not eating (and we play during mealtimes too, just not loudly if we're at a restaurant if that's the situation). That is why I'm careful about who I meet for lunch or dinner when I'm alone with him.

 

Pretty -I need to work on being comfortable with the polite, assertive approach you suggested - I will continue to "practice" that and fake it till I make it.

[anya1607307555]

I generally agree with lavenderdove about lowering expectations when eating out socially. In similar circumstances I used to ensure my child was fed earlier in the day so I could relax if he didn't eat anything. But in that instance, if your son was going to suffer later, I would have explained to the friends in a friendly but firm way and stood your ground.

[Seraphim]

I do not know if she had children or not but most people who do not have children do not even think of schedules of children or that they need to be followed or it causes havoc later. They just see a cute little kid and think oh cool....coo chee cooo and play with them and then walk away with no concerns as to what happens later. But why would they right? They don't know. Like the other said, just firmly but politely say " oh excuse me, I love that you are playing with my son but he really needs to eat because he is going to bed soon. He gets really cranky if schedules are messed up and it makes for a bad night. Thank you so much for paying attention to my son that is so kind of you and I know you did not know this was an important meal time." I think sometimes we project our own sensitivities onto others, if we would be over sensitive about something we assume someone else might be too so we do not want to say anything. That is not always so though. Standing your ground is important though because it avoids you feeling resentful and avoids a messed up schedule too. It also lets people know who do not have kids that sometimes schedules are important.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with Lavandar, one one hand you as the mother have the right to say 'no' and it be followed but you also have to look at the other context, if someone isn't around children a lot and don't know about schedules and what not, all they are going to see is a adorable 2 year old and want to coo at them. It's a balance act.

[Daligal83]

I think there's a chance she didn't even realizes she was riling him up. She probably just thought that she was playing with him and making him happy. Yes you know your son and she's never met him, but that also means that she doesn't understand your routine with him and his behavioral patterns. Every parent reacts to those situations differently and there's no way for her to know what your preference is. I agree with the posters who said that it would have been good to politely let her know where you stood so she could stop playing with him like that.

 

Also, as someone who doesn't have kids but often hangs out with my friends who do have kids, I feel like if I ignore their child while we're together I'm being rude. I want the parent to know that I enjoy being with their kid and I want the kid to have fun and feel included. I don't know if I've ever considered interacting with the child as a possible negative. I will definitely be more aware of it now though.

[Batya33]

I agree with Lavandar, one one hand you as the mother have the right to say 'no' and it be followed but you also have to look at the other context, if someone isn't around children a lot and don't know about schedules and what not, all they are going to see is a adorable 2 year old and want to coo at them. It's a balance act.

 

Yes -cooing and attention is great! That wasn't this situation.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes -cooing and attention is great! That wasn't this situation.

 

Even if it's getting him riled up it's still a balance act though - between you being a stern mother and them not knowing the kids' schedule. It's like if someone is dog tired from a double and a friend - who didn't know they were tired and had worked a double - called and was like 'hey! lets go party tonight!' the friend doesn't ESP to know their friends' work schedule all the time (I know I don't know my best friends!) and the same goes for people who don't have or aren't around kids. All they know is you feed them, burp them, play with them, and they sleep.

[Batya33]

Yes I agree. My approach with other people's children is to let them take the lead and I agree that when I was in the many situations of being with a friend and her/his child I definitely paid attention but with my mindset being to let the child come to me. There's room for many different approaches of course! Next time I will work on being more comfortable with explaining when the attention is at a level that is disrupting his ability to eat (or other people around us such as in a restaurant). We were out to dinner with family friends last week and one asked if she could please hold my son. I said that she definitely could, but when he was done eating. I knew if I took him out of his high chair and let her hold/play with him he wouldn't want to go back in the chair/continue eating. I am sure she didn't know that and she was fine with waiting to hold him until he was done eating.

[Batya33]

Even if it's getting him riled up it's still a balance act though - between you being a stern mother and them not knowing the kids' schedule. It's like if someone is dog tired from a double and a friend - who didn't know they were tired and had worked a double - called and was like 'hey! lets go party tonight!' the friend doesn't ESP to know their friends' work schedule all the time (I know I don't know my best friends!) and the same goes for people who don't have or aren't around kids. All they know is you feed them, burp them, play with them, and they sleep.

 

Yes I agree but disagree that I am a "stern" mother. That's not my parenting style in the least.

[Batya33]

I generally agree with lavenderdove about lowering expectations when eating out socially. In similar circumstances I used to ensure my child was fed earlier in the day so I could relax if he didn't eat anything. But in that instance, if your son was going to suffer later, I would have explained to the friends in a friendly but firm way and stood your ground.

 

Yes I agree. If he is not going to eat (i.e. if it is not his mealtime) I never take him to a sit down restaurant because he will last about 5 minutes at most sitting in a chair without eating or being interested in eating. I wouldn't want to subject anyone to that!

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes I agree but disagree that I am a "stern" mother. That's not my parenting style in the least.

 

I Never said you WERE a stern mother - that in this instance you NEEDED to be when it comes to keeping your child on his schedule if that's what you want, which means telling hte person lightly but firmly he's on a schedule and to not get him off it.

[Daligal83]

I think the more you are around kids and then have them, the more you are aware of these situations. Otherwise it doesn't even cross your mind. Also, some people just lack some social skills and can't pick up on or ignore cues like the one you tried to give. For example, one of my coworkers brought his one year old daughter in one afternoon. She was obviously overwhelmed by all of us wanting to interact with her and not knowing anyone. She was clinging to her father. We are all social workers so you'd assume everyone would know to give her some space. Nope. One woman, who has children and grandchildren, suddenly declared that she couldn't help herself and grabbed the girl from her dad's arms. Of course the little girl starting crying and then was given back. Some people just don't have common sense and need to be directly told what to do haha.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exactly. I know my best friend loves when I take over 'baby sitting' when we are out with her and my niece so I know were my boundaries are with that but a cute baby from another friend I smile at it and try not to interact otherwise unless the parent gives the okay - but as daligal said, many people don't know how kids are or work on schedules and just don't do it.

[Batya33]

I Never said you WERE a stern mother - that in this instance you NEEDED to be when it comes to keeping your child on his schedule if that's what you want, which means telling hte person lightly but firmly he's on a schedule and to not get him off it.

 

I didn't need to be stern about his schedule and I wasn't in my opinion - I simply didn't want him riled up so that he could eat and not disrupt other people - really nothing to do with his schedule other than it was dinner time for him and for us. We probably have different interpretations of the word "stern".

[Batya33]

Yes and I am learning how to convey what I/my child needs without feeling uncomfortable -thanks!

[Seraphim]

Is it that you find yourself uncomfortable putting people in their place if you need to? If that is it I can relate. I have PTSD so I often find situations where I have to put people in their proper place difficult because it causes me panic. I have become better at this though after becoming a mother and even more recently I have found it far easier to put people in their place when it is required and build the right boundaries so that I am not resentful. I found before I would be wildly resentful sometimes inside because I was not using my voice and telling people to respect boundaries.

[Daligal83]

I can't directly relate, but I'm sure it's not easy. It's hard to find that balance between saying what you need to say and not coming off as rude or overbearing or anything. Especially when it's someone who is not around your child a lot.

[Batya33]

Is it that you find yourself uncomfortable putting people in their place if you need to? If that is it I can relate. I have PTSD so I often find situations where I have to put people in their proper place difficult because it causes me panic. I have become better at this though after becoming a mother and even more recently I have found it far easier to put people in their place when it is required and build the right boundaries so that I am not resentful. I found before I would be wildly resentful sometimes inside because I was not using my voice and telling people to respect boundaries.[/quote

 

I feel uncomfortable in this particular situation - where I have to assert my child's needs (because of course he can't in many cases, yet) and where it means the other person has to stop or tone down a certain behavior. I need to be more confident about certain of my parenting decisions. As you know there are so many and many require quick reactions/decisions.

[Seraphim]

In this case, as you fully understand you are his advocate, his voice in the world. Your job to make sure he is respected, his needs and his rights etc, as you know all this. Just keep it as your focus. Every time these issues arise and you feel uncomfortable, just bring to your mind you are his voice, the voice of his needs, the voice of his feelings with other people a lot of the time. It is not about you and not about the other person, it is about him. If they are insulted and you were polite who cares. If they are irritated again who cares, they are big people and can look after themselves, he can not. You are the protector of his rights.

[Seraphim]

I can really relate to you right now because my son is heading to high school this fall. We have been discussing his placement. At the new school the resource person was talking about placing him below his potential. I listened to her and then expressed my concern, that I did not agree and gave my reasons. She was a a bit offended I could tell because she was telling me she had worked with many kids etc etc etc. I reiterated my opinion and said I was going to talk to his present teacher for his opinion. When I got off the phone I cried because I was SO frustrated that I had to fight this fight again. I knew I HAD to fight for what was right for my son and what I KNEW he could do despite what an educator who had never met him had decided he was going to do that would affect his entire life. I had to remind myself this is not about me feeling uncomfortable or getting upset about his disability and how people see him. It is about fighting for what I KNOW he can be and teaching him to disregard what people who do not know him think. I spoke to his present teacher and found he agreed with me and my husband and agreed with where we wanted him placed and my son also agreed. So, my son got what he needed. THAT is what was important, not my tears and not her feeling challenged.I know it is hard not to feel uncomfortable, but for his sake try and move past it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I didn't need to be stern about his schedule and I wasn't in my opinion - I simply didn't want him riled up so that he could eat and not disrupt other people - really nothing to do with his schedule other than it was dinner time for him and for us. We probably have different interpretations of the word "stern".

 

You keep getting hung up on me using the word stern Batya and completely disregarding everything else I say - if you wanted him not riled up so he could then you needed to be stern with the woman - as in, stand up and voice your opinion as his mother - that he doesn't need to be riled up so he can eat but as Daligal said, it's a balance of finding how to be stern in what needs to be said and not coming accross as rude.

[Batya33]

You keep getting hung up on me using the word stern Batya and completely disregarding everything else I say - if you wanted him not riled up so he could then you needed to be stern with the woman - as in, stand up and voice your opinion as his mother - that he doesn't need to be riled up so he can eat but as Daligal said, it's a balance of finding how to be stern in what needs to be said and not coming accross as rude.

 

I'm not hung up on anything and I appreciate your input. I am not comfortable being "stern" in that situation. I am comfortable being polite but firm. To me there is a meaningful distinction, especially when you wrote "stern mother" which did not describe how I acted or how I wish to act in a situation like that. In other situations I have been stern and will have to be stern, I am sure.

 

I knew I wasn't being rude and I had no intention of being rude. I am uncomfortable at times with being assertive in situations like that as I responded to Victoria's post. In certain situations that were far more concerning or potentially harmful to my child I would choose rudeness over harming my child. This is not a situation where my child was going to be harmed so that wasn't an issue for me.