tujna Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 So, ex broke up with me almost a year ago when we were close and he just had to get out for whatever reason, when things between us were best and getting deeper. It took him 4 months to look me in the eyes again. It has been 5 months during which he got close to me again, giving me hopes, getting so close to me, etc. We took care of each other, built something which went beyond what I have had with anyone else. Now he did it again - pulled out when things were best between us. And I don't understand why. I just know it hurts so much. If he could cut me out of his life once, just like that, why wouldn't he do it twice. And, sure enough, he did. So much for the second chances. Advice? Link to comment
mouseno4 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Though the tomato looks delicious and tasty, once i had bitten into it, i knew i found something i did not like. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 You need to get this book about commitment phobics. The author is Stephen Carter. Just google commitment phobia and the book is mentioned in the first or second item. Get the book and read it and you wil learn why he does what he does and you will be totally enlightened. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I am all for people getting second chances...there are plenty of success stories the second time around. So don't beat yourself up for giving him another chance. However, now that he has burned you twice, next time he comes calling, tell him to take a hike. Also, be grateful you never married a man like this because this is the kind of man who would just as suddenly walk away from the marriage. Link to comment
Meriem Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 What a loser! Not just for breaking up but getting your hopes up again just so he can crash them down? You're better off with somoen who wants nothing MORE than to be with you! The hurt will go away with time & you finally have space to find someone who truly loves you Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I think there are times when second chances do work, but sometimes it's just another go round to prove to himself (and you) that is it not going to work out. and there are a few people who really are not that self aware (or who are selfish) who will come back again and again, but leave again and again whenever it suits their purposes. those kinds of people have emotional issues and don't know how to make a good relationship, or are so selfish that they just want to follow their latest whim, whether that is you or something/someone else. But at least you now know for sure that he isn't right for you and will jerk you around if you let him. So just close that door and recognize you gave it your best shot to try to make it work, and it is not your fault if it didn't. I myself had a case of someone who did this to me SEVERAL times and i was stupid enough to let him do it until i realized this is just what this guy did because he was selfish and didn't want to give me up permanently, but wanted to chase other things in life (and other women). He was very surprised when i finally told him is enough is enough (and quite distressed when i slammed the door in his face so to speak), but i realized that someone isn't really your partner if they aren't loyal enough to you to stick around ALL the time. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 The name of the book is "Men Who Can't Love" by Stephen Carter. Do your self a favor. Get the book and read it. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I double posted so I deleted it. Link to comment
tujna Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for replies guys. levenderlove, he is definitely one of these people. I have to say that in this case rationally looking at the past, his actions and overall the person he is, has helped me in the past with him. Usually emotions take over rationalizing but in this case has helped me a lot. I think I am very close to letting go. There is only so much you can take. I know it is a process and will come with ups and downs but I do see things for what they are right now. He does not want to lose me and let me go but, at the same time, he is not ready (or doesn't want to or is not capable of) to give all of himself. So, it is up to me to set the boundaries. It is funny how they think that this sort of ambiguous will always keep you hanging (because they never work through their issues) and they fail to realize that some people are looking for answers and eventually they find them within and they finally let go. On the other hand, rationalizing has not really helped with my long relationship (7 years). I guess the reason is because we, for the most part, gave the best from us to each other and it worked great. It was an amazing relationship and not amount of rationalizing has helped me to get over it. And when I compare my current ex to this one, it is so much easier to realize that it is simply not meant to be. It is amazing how much I have learned about people and relationships during the last year. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 I am all for people getting second chances...there are plenty of success stories the second time around. So don't beat yourself up for giving him another chance. However, now that he has burned you twice, next time he comes calling, tell him to take a hike. Also, be grateful you never married a man like this because this is the kind of man who would just as suddenly walk away from the marriage. agree. no matter how good you described it to be, if he shared the same views, why did he walk away for the second time? Link to comment
tujna Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Well, who knows... I am not sure I understand that kind of people completely. He has put in his mind that he cannot be in a relationship or anything serious within the next several years (he is over 30 already). Partially the reason might be that he will be switching jobs and moving. But for the most part, it seems that intimate type of closeness makes him uncomfortable. He says that he feels like he has nothing to give and it certainly seems like it at this point. He has been like that since some acquaintances know him (about 5 years, I have known him for 1). He also says that he gets so easily bored with people. I know we have some type of connection because he always seeks my company and enjoys being with me a lot. He has nothing but good words for me. He is always kind to me as well. But when it comes to making any type of commitment and responsibility, he is nowhere to be found. This is not enough for me. I feel almost used and a little trapped because I do enjoy his company too. I also think he is being very selfish in seeking my attention and my friendship because he very well knows I cannot get over him like this. But, yes, I feel pretty calm right now. I invested a lot of time in building this but what we build fits his ideas and his desires but not mine. I want real closeness. I am saying we have similar views and interests, this is why our conversations are long and nice. It is really nice but something is lost in translation. And he is really comfortable with how things are but I am not. I know a day will come when he will meet someone else and I will have to deal with the consequences. Link to comment
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