Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 My bf of 4 years promised me everyday he wanted me to be his wife. He said in 5 months time, when we are finally together, he would marry me and set up house together. I was about to make the move in 5 months time (I'm in Australia at the moment he is in the UK). I had everything ready. Every decision I made in the past 4 years was based on him, our relationship and my move. Two weeks ago, he called up and suddenly decided he no longer wanted to marry me. He said he didn't want anything to do with me. He said he didn't want me contacting him at all. He didn't want to offer me an explanation. Just said he needed to be his own person. Everytime I contact him, he is hostile and verbally abusive. He has never been like this towards me ever. I want to just stop feeling sorry for myself. Everytime I venture out in the world, I feel humiliated, alone and just a sad pathetic creature. When I was begging him back he said to me "Look at yourself, you look so sad begging me back. You're just a pr*ck" I just feel so humiliated these past couple of days. In front of my family and colleagues. To have been so naive and foolish. And now I'm a laughing stock. I'm trying to immerse myself into work as much as I can. But the worst part is the alone time. Just driving home is too painful because I get to be alone with my own thoughts. I'm going out to buy a couple of books to try and occupy myself with. I've listed a couple of things that I want to 'achieve' like signing up for a Bikram Yoga class, or getting back into the gym, applying for a new job etc as a short term goal. But I literally just have no will power. I walk around with such a heavy load on my shoulders. I don't like looking people in the eyes when I talk to them because I feel like they can see the pain in my eyes and I don't want to be judged. I just don't know. I want to move on. How did people start their 'healing process'? What was the one thing that made you just get up and participate in life again?
mouseno4 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Unless you can predict the future, you cannot say it isnt.
chitown9 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I think this fellow did to you what he would have done to any other woman that he was beginning to feel intimate with. There is a book written by Stephen Carter about commitment phobia. Get it and read it. It will give you more understanding than anything else to read this book..
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Future = Crazy cat lady with 50 cats Ms Havisham-esque
whysoalone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I'll give you a reason to live! We live in the greatest country in the world, it's the land of opportunity. Yay. On topic, he's a pom. He's just moved on and found something better, it's not unusual. I don't think Pom blokes have a sense of anything. He is a pom, right? LOL. Don't worry about it love, I wasted a year on my ex LDR. I feel better for it with the experience and such but I know it's time to move forward. Do you have any hobbies/anything to put your mind to? If you need a chat feel free to PM me. I am an Aussie after-all!
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I'll give you a reason to live! We live in the greatest country in the world, it's the land of opportunity. Yay. On topic, he's a pom. He's just moved on and found something better, it's not unusual. I don't think Pom blokes have a sense of anything. He is a pom, right? LOL. Don't worry about it love, I wasted a year on my ex LDR. I feel better for it with the experience and such but I know it's time to move forward. Do you have any hobbies/anything to put your mind to? If you need a chat feel free to PM me. I am an Aussie after-all! LOL your optimism is contagious.
whysoalone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 By finding something better, I mean someone actually IN THE UK. So * * * * him, not worth a grain of * * * * to do that to you.
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Were you an LDR the entire time? Yes we were. We saw each other twice a year, depending on finances. And talked to each on phone etc every single damn day for the past 4 years. All my effort wasted.
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 By finding something better, I mean someone actually IN THE UK. So * * * * him, not worth a grain of * * * * to do that to you. I could have been a better gf. Maybe I drove him away. Come to think of it, I probably did. He said that I made him delete a part of him. I don't exactly know what that meant, and he won't explain it to me. Who knows. He said he'll be ready to talk to me next year. LOL. Ok sure, I'll just sit here and dwell in my own $h*t and wait for you to explain when you're ready.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 It is hard to know why he did what he did. Maybe he found another love interest and has covered up his feelings of guilt by putting the blame on you and being hostile to you so that he can pretend everything is your fault to justify his betrayal. Or maybe there were indeed issues in the relationship which he addressed with you in the past and you did not take them seriously. Hard to say without knowing the relationship history. The only thing you can do is actually thank your lucky stars that you don't have to move so far away from home and that you don't have to completely disrupt your life. Better you found out now than a few months after you have actually changed your life around for him. You really have lost nothing. Sure you are hurt and in pain..but once the shock and sense of loss starts easing up, you will get yourself back on track..and be even better than before.
whysoalone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I could have been a better gf. Maybe I drove him away. Come to think of it, I probably did. He said that I made him delete a part of him. I don't exactly know what that meant, and he won't explain it to me. Who knows. He said he'll be ready to talk to me next year. LOL. Ok sure, I'll just sit here and dwell in my own $h*t and wait for you to explain when you're ready. Drove him away? You saying you'd move to another country for HIM, drove you away? He's full of it, not worth a second thought. I can tell you're better than that, so why bother with what he's done? I know it's hard now, but he was from the UK and I mean, if he was a pom, they stole the ashes, SO * * * * HIM LOL. You'll be right, love. Just relax, take a deep breath, and remember "You're better than him". You had to move, so you're clearly willing to put more effort in than he was.
lavenderdove Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 OK, so you saw him twice a year. So in 4 years, you saw him only 8 times! You could be with some new local person more times than that in one month rather than over 4 years! LDRs have a really high fantasy quotient, where most of the relationship happens in your head rather than in reality, face to face. So it is very easy to THINK you know the person, but really, since you rarely see them day to day, they can hide so much of themselves or their own circumstances from you, tnat the truth of who they are and what they are about is hard to find out if they choose not to reveal it. So for all you know this guy has been dating up a storm for 4 years, or has a steady GF he lives with or sees, or even a wife! In today's age of internet and cell phones, it is very easy to hide true circumstances when you live so far away from each other, and many people do. So he could have had this sweet little fantasy/vacation type romance with you, and it worked fine up until you pushed him to make it a normal relationship and show up at his door. Notice how he was fine until you attempted to make it real, then he slams the door in your face. That speaks very strongly to the fact that he most likely has a wife or steady GF he is hiding from you and you showing up is something he just can't have happen. I suspect if you hear from him again, it will be him wanting to see you when he comes to Australia, but if you bring up seeing him in UK again he will start the same routine to keep you away. I think he is not being honest with you, and already has someone in the UK and can't have you come there to avoid having you find out about her. Perhaps he needs to wait one year now because he has gotten married or she is pregnant and is going to have a baby, and she won't tolerate him going on a 'business trip' to Australia during that time, so he can't sneak away for another year. so please don't wait around or fall for it if he tries to visit you again in your country. Insist if he wants to see you, it will have to be at his house in the UK. He'll probably run screaming away again then. You get over it by recognizing this was more fantasy than reality, and in future insist on your romances being local where you can have a real life relationship and really know the person's circumstances.
Moneypenny Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Wow, I think your story is heartbreakingly sad. However, I understand that it's fairly common for one person in an LDR to suddenly get cold feet when the plans to be together physically start to become a reality. It seems even more common in LDR's where the geographical distance is so great. It's usually the person you're moving to be with who suddenly has a change of heart. I think about this constantly since my LDR covers the same geographical areas as yours. There is a lot of emotional investment involved, as well as the financial side, and I can't begin to imagine the hurt you must be feeling; it just doesn't bear thinking about. Four years is a LONG time. Without knowing the background it is difficult to comment. But, perhaps you may want to think about this....if my SO decided to give up everything and move to my country, I would pretty much feel a heavy burden of responsibility for his ultimate happiness. I would feel responsible if he wasn't able to find a job, or if he was missing his family; or if he just didn't fit in with the culture etc. It may be that he feels this way but just doesn't realise it, or he is unable to verbalise, or he can't comprehend it just yet? When you say you "could have been a better gf", what do you mean?
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I don't think that's the case. I received an email from his mum saying it was nice knowing me (ouch) and said it was definitely not another girl. But I don't know, if he murdered anyone, his mother wouldn't wave a finger at him. From what I derived in between his angry outbursts was that we were different people and that he lied to me all along. I gave him so much confidence. And now that he has this confidence, he's decided he didn't need me anymore. He did say that when he first met me I was his only option. So I asked him whether he felt he could do better now. And he just replied with "It's not really that". So I suppose that was a yes. So he may have stayed loyal with me for 4 years, but probably has realised he's missed out and just wants to sleep around now. I just regret helping him out. Meh. I'm staying away from men from now on.
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I think I agree with what you're saying. I think he thought that he couldn't make me happy. Small things like, in Australia during winter I'd whine and complain about the cold. And he'd reply back with "Ohhhh you have to stop complaining about the cold, England is very cold, how are you going to live here if you hate the mild Australian winter?" You know small things like that. I think it just irritated him and he probably thought living with me would have been a nightmare, me just complaining about everything. I could have been a better gf by - not being over hypersensitive. And I should have probably have been more 'relaxed'. He is a musician and has been trying to break into the industry. But the industry is all about luck. For about 7 or 8 months he didn't have a job and I supported him from Australia (he has promised to pay me back but he made a lot of promises so ha!). And I kept encouraging him (looking back probably nagging) to get a job because he needed to make sure that he could support both of us when I moved over. I guess that pushed him over the edge. He said that he wanted to keep living in the cloud he was in. I guess that meant he didn't want the extra responsibility of having to care for me in case I wasn't able to find a job etc. I regret not being a better gf. I should have just let him be and let him do whatever he wanted. Sigh.
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 and in future insist on your romances being local where you can have a real life relationship and really know the person's circumstances. I am determined to never let this ever happen again! Bad bad bad investment. Going to lead a life of a spinster heh
Moneypenny Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 LDRs have a really high fantasy quotient, where most of the relationship happens in your head rather than in reality, face to face. So it is very easy to THINK you know the person, but really, since you rarely see them day to day, they can hide so much of themselves or their own circumstances from you, tnat the truth of who they are and what they are about is hard to find out if they choose not to reveal it. I agree wholeheartedly with lavenderdove, but people do connect romantically with others in this way for any number of reasons. Some LDR's have a happy ending, and I guess a very high percentage don't, simply because of the sheer complexity of emotions that people are unable to deal with or understand at the time. Couples come together for all sorts of reasons, and yes, it is very easy to become hooked on fantasy without even realising it. But, every romantic relationship has an element of fantasy to it in the beginning, and no one can predict where that relationship may end up; whether it be an 'in-person' one, or long-distance.
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I agree. I genuinely believed that it was just like any other 'local' relationship. But that's just from my point of view. And I guess he thought it was all fantasy in the end and wanted out. Ahh well
Moneypenny Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Small things like, in Australia during winter I'd whine and complain about the cold. And he'd reply back with "Ohhhh you have to stop complaining about the cold, England is very cold, how are you going to live here if you hate the mild Australian winter?" You know small things like that. I think it just irritated him and he probably thought living with me would have been a nightmare, me just complaining about everything. I could have been a better gf by - not being over hypersensitive. And I should have probably have been more 'relaxed'. I'm sure that the above would be a heavy weight for him to carry psychologically. I'm not making excuses for him, but it is huge, and some people just can't cope with the enormity of it. My LDR has gone through several stages in it's 18 month life. I have learned to relax more, although that is damn hard. I've come accross as needy, and I'm sure I've been horribly obsessive at times...but it is all about restraint and self control, and being confident with who you are. People generally, not just the men in our lives, truly respect these attributes in a woman/person. I have seriously learnt much about self-restraint in the last 18 months, and my relationship is all the better for it. PS. The men in my life have all been musicians, bar my ex-husband
Unwanted Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 The bottom line is, he's screwed me over. He's a selfish bastard. He broke up with me at the beginning of my exams and he said "Oh there was never going to be a better time" ...oh ok so you couldn't wait 2 weeks after my exam? Anyways, I've had to put in 'special consideration' paperwork so my lecturers will know that my performance in my exam was not the best. I know 100% I failed them. BAH! I'm so angry with myself. I just called him up to see how he was going. And who the f*ck is he to tell me how to feel. He just said "I don't understand why you're posting such angry status updates on your Facebook" Uhh first of all I've deleted him on FB, a mutual friend of ours must have shown him. This mutual friend has no been deleted on FB. So what now I can't do what I want and I can't express how I feel and I don't have the right to be angry. No more begging. THAT IS ENOUGH. ENOUGH. I'm going to see a therapist on Monday. I just can't handle this anymore.
Moneypenny Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Is there a possibility that you may both be able to salvage the relationship? I'm not suggesting that you do. But, 4 years is a long time in an LDR for both parties. Have you had any inkling about the present situation for a while?
Moneypenny Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 The bottom line is, he's screwed me over. He's a selfish bastard. He broke up with me at the beginning of my exams and he said "Oh there was never going to be a better time" ...oh ok so you couldn't wait 2 weeks after my exam? Anyways, I've had to put in 'special consideration' paperwork so my lecturers will know that my performance in my exam was not the best. I know 100% I failed them. BAH! I'm so angry with myself. I just called him up to see how he was going. And who the f*ck is he to tell me how to feel. He just said "I don't understand why you're posting such angry status updates on your Facebook" Uhh first of all I've deleted him on FB, a mutual friend of ours must have shown him. This mutual friend has no been deleted on FB. So what now I can't do what I want and I can't express how I feel and I don't have the right to be angry. No more begging. THAT IS ENOUGH. ENOUGH. I'm going to see a therapist on Monday. I just can't handle this anymore. Yikes! I don't see responses while I'm sending a message, so ignore my last post! Do you want to PM me?
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