An example of getting back in contact with an...'ex'

[adviseseeker]

I just wanted to tell this story because it somewhat amuses me...and it's sort of an example of no contact working and having someone come back, although it's not in any way ideal for me!

 

So last summer I ended up having a casual fling, friends with benefits type situation. I went out with this older man and on our first 'date' and he is very up front about his life, and many other things which were deal breakers for me...and probably most people. It was a definite NO for a relationship with this guy, which was unfortunate but at least I found out right away. Anyway, since that first date I had written off a relationship and decided we could do a casual thing while I was getting over my ex, it actually helped. This was pretty easy for me because he is everything that I don't want in a guy that I would have a relationship with, so I was pretty unattached.

 

We just ended up having a good time, no strings attached and went places together. He's easy to talk to and we connected that way, we made really good friends actually but I could never be with him romantically. And so it continued for a number of months, maybe six or so. I started to think that he maybe was developing feelings for me which was a problem because I didn't want to lead him on. I was worried about how I would break it to him actually because I felt bad, and then...he disappeared!!

 

My friend saw him with a girl shortly after so I realized that he'd gotten a girlfriend, and well...that was that! I wasn't too emotionally attached so I didn't mind. I was a little surprised that he didn't say anything but I thought oh well. I had sent him a text that he never responded to and heard about the girl a few days later so I got the hint and didn't contact him again. Then a few months go by and, since we live in the same neighbourhood, I actually bumped into him at the grocery store! I was in a hurry but we chatted a bit, he apologized for how he handled things. Said he felt really bad that he didn't tell me about her and I told him not to worry about it because I was seeing somebody now too, no big deal. He felt really bad. Then we went our separate ways.

 

Then a few months go by and I saw him while I was walking in the neighbourhood with my boyfriend and some friends (Jan), he was with his new girlfriend as well. We both waved and said hi, just being friendly walking past that was it. Another month goes by and I got a text message from him (Feb), he wanted to sleep with me...I said no, you have a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. Not going to happen. He tried for a few minutes and he said I could contact him if I changed my mind...pfff!! Still continued not contacting him.

 

It's now been around 4 months and he texted me today (he knows I'm single now). Well I told him we could hang out as friends and catch up, so we went and hung out for a little while tonight. It was nice chatting with him, we always got along pretty well. Near the end he asks me if I would have an affair with him, no joke! Haha. I politely declined, as I could never do that. He is still in a relationship with her! Ridiculous. I asked him if he's ever cheated before and he said no...hmm

 

Anyway, besides him being a sleazy horndog for some of it he was saying that he missed me. He again apologized for before, a few more times. He said he felt that we really connected and he always had a good time with me. Gave me lots of other nice compliments, he missed my smile, he said that there was something about me.... I do believe he is sincere in his compliments because as I said before I was starting to think he had feelings for me but he knew that he has some things to sort out. He also brought up some stories from before between us that I had completely forgotten about. He told me that he thinks about me a lot...he said that numerous times. I declined all the advances he made and he said he respected me for that. When we were saying goodbye earlier he was asking if we could start up again when we're both single. Now that I've gotten home he has continued to send me text messages trying to flirt with me.

 

I just find the whole thing pretty funny. I do like him as a friend but that's it, and I had no issues going completely NC because I knew it wasn't going anywhere to begin with. We had fun and that was it for me. I think he's a good person deep down but he definitely has some issues to deal with. He said there was just something about me...maybe because I was nonchalant? Who knows. I think there were at least 3 months of NC before we bumped into eachother at the store.

 

So why is it that I end up running into him twice after the fact, then have him chasing me down all in the span of 7 months while it's been over a year and I've still never seen the ex that I would actually like to bump into? Sometimes I think life is just messing with me and finds it entertaining.

[WockaWocka]

It takes a lot of chutzpah for him to leave you without a word like that and then come back later and try to have an affair with you! Some people are just unbelievable. Clearly a good thing you two were never in a relationship, he certainly cheats very easily. I feel sorry for his new gf.

 

Good for you for resisting his advances, guys like that give me the creeps too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When people embark on an FWB it says something about the person. He is a creep, no doubt..but then again you also chose to use him while you were trying to get over an ex. At the time you decided to use him to get over your ex, you didn't really know he was a cheater. He could have been a person who was truly interested in you and yet you were messing him about knowing full well there was no future but wanting someone to distract you from your pain. So while he had issues that were very apparent to you on the first date, you too had issues (trying to get over a break up) which I assume you did not spell out for him.

 

I doubt very much that he developed feelings for you during that time. Many men in FWBs act like they have developed feelings and yet they haven't..it is just the thrill of the regular sex buddy that they want to maintain. If he truly cared he wouldn't have disappeared just like that to have a "real" relationship with someone else. As for being a nice guy who just has issues...nope...nice guys don't disappear off the face of the earth like that to run off with another woman..and nice guys don't look for sexual diversions when in a relationship.

[Live-N-Learn]

Women do the same thing. My ex had a lot of fwb's at the same time (I found this out). Then she met someone she actually wanted a relationship with and cut off all her fwb's and disappeared. Very selfish acts and she def has issues. As you mentioned it tells a lot about a person.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Women do the same thing. My ex had a lot of fwb's at the same time (I found this out). Then she met someone she actually wanted a relationship with and cut off all her fwb's and disappeared. Very selfish acts and she def has issues. As you mentioned it tells a lot about a person.

 

Yes, I have seen enough posts on ENA from women who are also very cavalier about the man's feelings when they are just using the guy for free and convenient sex. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who has had an FWB just prior to meeting me..in fact, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who has those values because they are not compatible with mine.

[adviseseeker]

So what exactly does it say about a person??

 

This is a situation where two people came to an arrangement together, I wasn't messing him around. Maybe I should have been telling everyone that I was still sad about my ex, I suppose I should go tell all my friends that I'm using their company and friendship to help me get over him. That's ridiculous, it was a FWB...we didn't talk about our feelings, it was just for fun. That is the whole point.

 

He may have developed feelings for me but knew that I wasn't interested in anything more. In that case disappearing isn't such a big deal...which it really wasn't. He was picking a relationship over a FWB situation. Good on him.

 

 

 

I'm not going around picking up men who are interested in me, having FWB's then dumping them when I'm bored of them. Sometimes, it is actually just friends with benefits. We established it from the beginning. I wasn't hurt when he disappeared, I really don't care what he does. He's sleazy obviously because he wants to cheat, and it is apparent that he still only wants sex from me. This is because we were friends with benefits...

 

And what values are those? Can you not sleep with someone and not be in a relationship with them? Most people have had sex with no strings attached, good luck finding someone who's never done that.

[Ms Darcy]

He's dirty. Yuck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are still plenty of people who have only had sex within the confines of a relationship. Not everyone runs around having casual sex.