Need male advice(prefferably those in working long term relationships)

[GrowingIn]

I am currently not in a relationship, but I am preparing myself, and I still have some questions regarding some past conflicts that have taken place that I never quite figure out how to deal wit. This is one that's a little tricky so please follow it carefully.

 

Have you ever been in a situation where:

+your significant other either lied, or did something wrong, or anything

+this particular issue came back again in an argument

+when it initially took place, she admitted to the offense or issue

 

....but after this particular issue came up again either repeatedly or at some point in the future in a conversation.....she tried to convince you it never happened either in the way it initially did or not at all?

 

You know what happened, right? You KNOW she once admitted to it. You know SHE KNOWS you know....but despite all this she is so adamant and denies the issue without any shame what so ever that you begin to question yourself if that really took place? How in the world do you deal with that?

 

I took offense the last time this happened because I thought she was literally trying to brainwash me and change history. It basically makes me feel like she's lying to your face. It makes me lose trust in a person when they do this.

 

How do you feel in those moments, and what do you do to overcome this situation? How do you get her to admit again, especially if it is an important issue? How do you deal with it externally and then internally? What do you tell yourself to maintain trust in her afterwards, or are you always going to be suspicious of her from this point on?

[GrowingIn]

Wow, not one person has dealt with this? This happened to me with 2 different women.

 

I guess the opposite gender can help too if there are any in here that are reading this and are honest enough to fess up to this behavior.

 

Ladies, why do you do this? What is the reasoning behind it all? Are you doing this to manipulate the other person and instill doubt? How can you possibly think or have the nerve to try to convince someone they didn't actually see, live or experience a situation when you both know it happened and already discussed it previously as you both know it happened?

[lavenderdove]

First, i think you really restrict yourself when you start these 'male advice please' threads. Both women and men are PEOPLE first, and their gender is basically irrelevant to the question you ask. Perhaps that is part of the problem if you see the need for a woman to repeatedly 'confess' her sins to you as if you are a paternal figure rather than a partner.

 

This behavior is not unique to men or women, so it is not a gender issue. There could be a number of reasons for it:

 

People want to reduce conflict rather than increase it (most people do anyway), so if you are bring up 'old history' and want to go over it again and again, it just infuriates them and shows you are more interested in punishing behavior than solving problems.

 

People will sometimes admit to things they never actually did if you continually question them or drill them on it, just to get you to leave them alone. It's as if they say, 'fine, i'm bad person, are you happy now?' being sarcastic and angry to get away from you and throw it back in your face.

 

People's memories are notoriously shaky and 'edited' with time. There have been numerous studies on the reliability of eye witnesses, and if you put 20 people in a room, you will have 20 different interpretations of what happened, some more accurate than others. Memories are especially edited out over time if they are unpleasant, and people focus on what is important to them about the memory and no two people will see the same thing even witnessing or experiencing the exact same events. And if something was very traumatic, they may repress and forget it entirely.

 

If you are accusing someone of doing something they consider harmless or uneventful, they may genuihely not remember it, or may deeply resent you harping on it, so may just brush it off or forget it, or get angry and deny it because you won't back off.

 

If someone is afraid of you or the consequences, they may lie to avoid what you will do if they admit it.

 

So you need to examine both yourself and your motives and look at the situation. And bringing something up and throwing it in someone's face again and again just doesn't work as a relationship strategy. If what they did was bad enough to destroy your trust, then you should just break up with them rather than haranging on it. If what they did was annoying but not a dealbreaker, then let it go and don't harp on it.

[Seraphim]

I have actually found this in my HUSBAND, not in myself. I do not think this is a FEMALE trait but a HUMAN trait.

[GrowingIn]

Lavandore, the reason why I wanted male advice is because for one thing it probably would have not started with an accusation. For another, I wanted to know how men view, dealt with and eventually overcame the issue. Men and women do act and view things differently in most situations. We are not exactly alike in how we act IN a relationship when we are living out our roles. I wasn't being a paternal figure I was being a husband/boyfriend. This isn't about simply throwing things in another person's face or confessing sins. I do my best not to practice this thing as I hate it when it happens to me. The situations I am talking about are not that which you are describing. I'll give you a couple of examples:

 

-agreeing to sign paperwork on a home and living in a place for a year. Then later, wanting to change the agreement and denying ever agreeing in the first place. That's not exactly something you can let go of when they say: "I never said that." It is imperative that she remembers the initial commitment.

 

-or here's a more recent situation with a different girl where i came accross inappropriate pictures of her and her ex on her computer(them in bed together, seemingly naked under a blanket as if right after sex). After a long conversation where I expressed my concern with someone who still feels the need to hang on to such things when in a new serious long term relationship, and how it seems she has not let go, she confessed she wishes I never saw them and had agreed to delete them. Later, however, she chose to delete the inappropriate pictures kept some of the ones that were just simple memories, and then denied the said pictures ever existed. To the point where you are beginning to wonder if you are imagining things. This is basically what she's saying without actually coming out and saying it. The pictures were no longer even an issue for me at this point. It didn't bother me that it existed and then she deleted them as I had requested. Issue solved. The issue only became an issue when she denied the inappropriate pictures existed in the first place.

 

It was not something I was throwing in their face. In both cases it was something serious that needed to be addressed: "keeping commitment", "keeping a promise" and "letting go of the past". Agreeing that we were both on the same page when those initial commitments were made was very important. In the second example, there was no fear of consequence or anything as the issue was already basically solved. I no longer cared and she had already complied, which makes it even more weird that she would deny it. The pictures existing was no longer causing me trust issues because she had deleted them. The trust was shook when she denied they ever existed in the first place, which caused this entire event to take place.

[Lester]

I agree with lavender and would add...

Everyone lies. A girlfriend doing it repeatedly… most likely she’s planning an exit. Why? Don't know...every relationship is differant.

 

But...It could be a blessing!

 

Multiple breakups are a walk in the park compared to being married for ten years, two kids, house, jobs etc., and you catch your wife sleeping with the ups man when you surprise her at lunch.

 

It’s worth all the trouble with a dozen Miss Wrongs if it leads you to the one girl who is right for you.

[GrowingIn]

Looking back the one in the second example was definitely planning an exit, of that I am pretty sure. But I just can't simply define that as a lie. Refusing to admit to something that was openly established happened between the two of us feels a little different than a lie. Re-writing history, and forcing you to accept it is the best way I can explain it and it feels way worse, and more confusing than a simple lie, as well as instilling self doubt in your own mind. I'm trying to figure out what this is, and can't place my finger on it.