Dating a single mom...need single mom input

[dr_loomis7]

I have been wrestling with this for quite a while and decided it was time to bring this before ENA for an outsiders point of view and input.

 

I met a woman online and we really hit it off from the first email. She is a single mom who lives with her parents while she is remodeling her house. Both of her parents have health issues and she feels guilty leaving her son with them while she goes out with a guy, so dates are limited. I have no problems with her being a single mom and absolutely adore her son. Here is what I have a problem with: she stands me up almost constantly for some reason or another. The past two times it was because she was putting her son to bed and fell asleep while doing so (he is 4). Other times, she will cancel at the last minute because of some reason or another. It has gotten to the point where I don't plan things anymore because I know if I do, she will break the date. I understand that I am not number 1 in her life and don't expect to be, but at this time, I don't even feel like a priority.

 

We have been dating for about 2 months but says she isn't sure about being exclusive and doesn't really want any physical contact outside of a hug occasionally. She also seems to have a fear of commitment.

 

While I try to be understanding about her situation of being a single mom with a full time job, remodeling a house (by herself btw), living with her parents who have health issues and trying to juggle a social and dating life, I am getting the feeling she is losing interest. Where before she couldn't seem to see or talk to me enough, now it has gotten to maybe talking to her once a week and seeing her on Sundays at the park. Am I overreacting or is something more going on here?

[Alezia]

I'm not a single mom, but I am a mom. It can be very exhausting to juggle work, kids and remodelling. I can give her the benefit of the doubt that she has too much going on in her life to be actively dating, but I would tend to agree that she is probably seeing you more as a friend. If she was really into seeing you, she would either make sure to be on that date, or make it up to you somehow.

[Capricorn3]

says she isn't sure about being exclusive and doesn't really want any physical contact outside of a hug occasionally. She also seems to have a fear of commitment.

 

I am getting the feeling she is losing interest.

I would say your answer lies above. When reading your post, my first impression was that she isn't that into you, as you are into her. My gut says she's losing interest. If she keeps finding excuses, that more or less says it all (imo). I don't think she's going to be relationship material at this moment in time.

[DanDee]

It sounds like you both need to have a genuine heart to heart. It sounds as though she's either backing off through either a lack of interest or she feels scared that in having a guy she is neglecting her son. In either case you need to know where you stand so you can resolve the situation and improve the 'relationship' or move on with your life.

 

But it does sound a messy relationship and it probably would be best to let go of this woman. It seems like it would be very hard work - even if she did make you more of a priority.

[Ariel85]

She sounds married or attached.

[Melting]

I am a single mum, who works full time 6 days a week and I have 2 children, 1 of them being under 5. My life is hectic at times to say the least, but I always find time for that someone special.

 

A hug occasionally after 2mths? I think she merely sees you as a friend, a companion when SHE feels like it.

 

Is this really what you want out of a relationship? Not only are you not number 2, but your last in her life. Even when I have everything going on around me, I always make sure that the someone special in my life, feels like he has a good place in it.

 

I don't think her status in life has anything to do with it, she is slowly pushing you away. I don't believe she is interested in you or to give her the benefit of the doubt she isn't ready for someone in her life and I don't think you should just settle for this type of arrangement.

 

Feel free to pm me if you need a shoulder

[CatsMeeoow]

I was a single mom for 9 yrs.

 

She isn't that interested.

 

It may have nothing to do with you at all... it could just be that she is not on the same page as you in being at a point in her life where she wants to really date and have a relationship. My son is special needs so from the ages of 2 to 4 I had my work cut out... working full time and managing a child with huge behavioral needs... specialists, therapists, out patient therapy. I was truly exhausted and wouldn't have given Brad Pitt the time of day!

 

If she were really interested in dating or in you there wouldn't be the missed dates or last minute cancels... single mom or not.

 

I think you need to let this one go.

[dr_loomis7]

Thank you all for your input. You have confirmed my fears and suspicions. It looks like she and I need to have a talk.

 

What I guess I really don't understand is that she seems like shes not ready for a relationship but she paid to join a dating website. I guess she just isn't ready for a relationship with me. Also, last time she stood me up, she texted me the next day apologizing like crazy. This time, there is no response. I will keep you posted on the outcome of our discussion.

[TiredOfGames]

[...] What I guess I really don't understand is that she seems like shes not ready for a relationship but she paid to join a dating website. [...]

 

Sometimes people don't know what they want or are truly ready for until they at least try, She sounds extremely busy, between having a young child, remodeling a home by herself, parents with health issues, and working to support herself and her son. My ex worked full-time and has two kids, and just those two things alone kept her schedule extremely full and busy, not to mention physically and emotionally tiring. I was very accommodating and understanding of this, but I could never imagine how difficult it really must be for a single working mum. Just as with everyone else she seeks companionship and love, and the possible stability and comfort that a serious relationship can bring, but fitting a relationship into one's already busy and stressful life can be too much at certain times in one's life. I get the feeling this is where she is at. She thought she was ready for a relationship and went the online dating route because she is unable to get out to meet people due to her circumstances. She just found that she isn't or wasn't truly ready, emotionally and logistically.

 

Have a talk with her and be understanding of her life circumstances. I'm sure she wants to be open and honest with you too but is afraid to hurt your feelings. Best of luck.

[metrogirl]

She sounds married or attached.

 

That was my immediate thought.

[Ms Darcy]

What I guess I really don't understand is that she seems like shes not ready for a relationship but she paid to join a dating website. I guess she just isn't ready for a relationship with me.

 

I agree here.

[dr_loomis7]

I finally was able to have a talk with her and discuss her thoughts and feelings about where we stood and what was going on. The meaning behind everything seems to be evident so I won't ask for anyone to decipher it.

 

She called me and apologized for what happened last night. She said she was sorry for sleeping and that if it made me feel better, she was disappointing a lot of people recently including her boss and mother. I told her I wasn't mad at her for sleeping but for standing me up two weeks in a row.

 

I asked her about us and if there really was an us. My presumptions and the advice from many of you already led me to an answer, but I wanted her to explain it herself. That I know she has a lot of things going on and that although I try to be understanding, I wanted to know if, in her mind, we were working towards something more. She told me that she has been physically exhausted with all the stuff going on in her life and that when she joined the dating site, all of this mess was not going on and she was ready for a relationship then. I also asked her if she considered me a priority. She answered that I was a luxury, that it was a treat to be able to spend time with me because it wasn't something she had to do, and when she does she knows she has to be on her game to utilize that team because it is so rare.

 

I also brought up the fact that we've been talking for 3 months and she doesn't really refer to any future with us (i.e. she mentioned that when she is finished with her house "I will have time with whoever I am dating to be over" instead of saying "I will have more time for you to be over") and she said the reason she did that was because she doesn't take anything for granted and knows that anytime I can get tired of the craziness and leave. This also brought her into another point which really gave me an indication. She said that she could totally understand if I wanted to date someone else, although wouldn't be thrilled about it, since her life is so crazy and that she almost wishes I would date around just so I could see if I really wanted to be with her (she did make a point of letting me know that I wouldn't find anyone else who got me like she does). I informed her that I didn't want to be her friend, I wanted to date her and that was my intention from the beginning when I e-mailed her on the site. I also told her that I do not remain friends with people I have dated or had feelings for because I have learned from past instances that was not a good idea. To this she replied that that statement scared her because she didn't want to imagine her life without me there.

 

My first language is not womanese so I may be missing something but unfortunately this is not the first time I have heard this from a girl so I think I get the hint. Seems like she will be getting what she wants. To bad though, I really did like her.

[chitown9]

My first language is not womanese so I may be missing something but unfortunately this is not the first time I have heard this from a girl so I think I get the hint. Seems like she will be getting what she wants. To bad though, I really did like her.

 

 

I did not think she said anything negative in what you explained happened here. I am assuming you are taking you position based on what you declined to explain.

[Melting]

I think you need to move on, she has way too much going on in her life and you will only ever be thrown crumbs..... is that what u really want?

[dr_loomis7]

My first language is not womanese so I may be missing something but unfortunately this is not the first time I have heard this from a girl so I think I get the hint. Seems like she will be getting what she wants. To bad though, I really did like her.

 

 

I did not think she said anything negative in what you explained happened here. I am assuming you are taking you position based on what you declined to explain.

 

It is very negative when it comes to the relationship. To me it sounds like she's telling me to date other people, which is almost as using the line "I think we need to date other people" or "We need to take a break". This seems unusual to say to someone you're really interested in; I wouldn't want to see her dating another guy just so she could someday think I'm better than others. I may have edited this out too, but when my ex broke up with me, she said almost the same exact thing: "You should date other women and see if I'm really the best for you, if I'm the best kisser or best match. If it doesn't work out with any of them in 5 years, we'll get back together" so I know what is going inbetween lines.

 

Melting: I agree. That is why I said she will get what she wants, I'm going to start looking for someone else and give her some space. A lot of space.