Fiancee broke engagement--Is there Anything I can do to Repair this???

[confused2012]

My fiancee broke up with me Monday night. She told me she needed to end it "for now". I agreed with the breakup. She has been distancing herself for me for the past 6 weeks, so it wasn't a surprise. Still, I'm devastated. She told me she still loved me but it just doesn't feel right.

 

She has still been sending me text messages. Wednesday night she told me she would miss me. Monday night after the breakup she texted me that "just because we broke up, doesn't mean that's what I wanted to happen". Then today, she texted me and asked me about adding 2 friends that were girls to my facebook right after the breakup. She said she has been crying the past two days, and obviously it hasn't been a problem for me.

 

Reason for breakup, uncertain. She couldn't give me anything logical other than it didn't feel right anymore. I did read the tuttle website and I exhibited some of the clinger attributes toward the end when she was pulling away, which probably only made it worse.

 

A few months ago she was head over heels and couldn't wait to start our new life together. We've been engaged for 7 months, and dating a total over 19 or so months. Until her recent period of withdraw, she was the pursuer and now the roles have reversed severely.

 

Yesterday I had to go to her house and exchange all of our stuff. Everything's exchanged so I have no reason to see her again. When I finally got her to look at me, she started bawling, she said she was sorry she hurt me a few times, and that she still loved me. She said she missed me a few times. She also said it wasn't the same not being able to talk to me at night. She sounds very confused about what she wants. I didn't stay long. We exchanged our items and sat for a few minutes while she was crying. We didn't talk much. She said this was not what she wanted. Then later she said she needed to figure out what she wants (confusing???).

 

Without me asking she reiterated again that she hasn't cheated, hasn't been seening anyone else, and wasn't planning on seeing anyone else.

 

I did tell her I would be open to reconcile. She didn't give me an indication if she agreed or disagreed. She asked me about my plans with friends that I have made for the weekend, and I asked her about her graduate class. When I left, she said talk to you later. She hugged me much of the time, and kissed me a few times also.

 

So, now I go NC? LC? How long? Do I initiate ANY contact to keep her thinking of me? How long should I continue the LC or NC before it ends up becoming too late and the feelings she expressed tonight start to fade? Should I wait a few weeks and then contact her? Based on what she said last night, do I have a chance to reconcile?

 

Getting my stuff and the ring back was depressing, but just getting to see her briefly also made me feel better. I have a feeling that will fade quickly as reality of not having any plans with her sets in over the coming days.

[Ms Darcy]

NC and move on. I have seen this quite a bit on this site, and it's almost never good for the dumpee. She's just using you to get over you. Tell her not to contact you anymore so you can grieve.

[confused2012]

That's it? Just give up and move on this soon? Is there anything else I can do? I'm looking for a range of opinions.

 

Just last night she told me she still loves me, she misses me, it's not the same without being able to talk to me, she was crying, upset. She's clearly unhappy about this as well. If we both feel this way, why can't the situation be changed?

[Pinnacle]

Without me asking she reiterated again that she hasn't cheated, hasn't been seening anyone else, and wasn't planning on seeing anyone else.

 

Nothing is ever certain, but I am 95% sure she just lied to your face.

 

Think about it.

 

1. She revealed this information unprovoked. Something has been eating at her. This could be it.

 

2. Sudden shift in positive behavior towards you.

 

3. Keeps in contact out of guilt.

 

4. Wants you to feel just as bad as her She said she has been crying the past two days, and obviously it hasn't been a problem for me" (whole facebook thing, etc etc)

 

5. Figuring out what she wants = wants to see where things could go with possible new man. Keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out.

 

Again, this is speculation but to me this makes the most sense.

 

Go NC, keep NC. Move on. If you allow her back what would stop her from doing it again down the line knowing you would be there?

[Ms Darcy]

You cannot control her feelings. The more time she was with you, the more she wanted to end it. Now do the opposite. Let her feel what life is like without you. The win-win is that while you move on it forces her to reallly make up her mind about what she wants.

[confused2012]

Nothing is ever certain, but I am 95% sure she just lied to your face.

 

Think about it.

 

1. She revealed this information unprovoked. Something has been eating at her. This could be it.

 

2. Sudden shift in positive behavior towards you.

 

3. Keeps in contact out of guilt.

 

4. Wants you to feel just as bad as her She said she has been crying the past two days, and obviously it hasn't been a problem for me" (whole facebook thing, etc etc)

 

5. Figuring out what she wants = wants to see where things could go with possible new man. Keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out.

 

Again, this is speculation but to me this makes the most sense.

 

Go NC, keep NC. Move on. If you allow her back what would stop her from doing it again down the line knowing you would be there?

 

1. It was unprovoked when she told me that at the time that I saw her to pick up my stuff. But the reason she reiterated that is because of a 12:30 am sleep deprived texting frenzy from me the night before, where I laid out my "theory" that she left me for another man. As soon as she read the text messages the next morning, she called me and told me that it was absolutely not true.

 

2. She has been more positive towards me post breakup. She felt like she was under pressure before.

 

3. IDK for sure why. I received no messages from her today. I haven't initiated any messages since the "theory" on Wednesday night. I felt like I had to get it off of my chest.

 

4. Agree with you there. I think she expects me to be devastated, which of course I am, but I haven't shown those emotions to her.

 

5. New man, I don't believe this is the case. As to backburner....yes it may be possible, IDK.

[Oasiswater]

In my personal experience this never ends well.

I understand that people are a little wishy washy by nature. Some people will think, "Ugh, do I really want to settle for THIS?" And usually they'll be over it in a couple of hours/days. It's part of love, in my opinion.

But when it goes on for a matter of months, and it gets to the point of her breaking up with you? A LOT of red flags go up for me. I can't help but feel like something nasty is happening within her own mind. She's torn between loving you and something else, and she doesn't know which to choose.

 

Everyone else is right. She's keeping you on the back burner, and experiencing life without you. Just so that she can say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, please take me back," if it doesn't work out as she intended.

 

Here's some food for thought. When you proposed to her, you asked her if she'd be willing to spend the rest of her life with you. She clearly said yes... and now she's backing out for some undisclosed reason. I also assume that you haven't done anything wrong? Did she not really think about what she was committing to when she accepted your proposal? What exactly did "being engaged" mean to her?

 

This girl is troubled, bro. Put it in the past and move onto a healthier relationship.

[confused2012]

This is what I WISH I could say to her:

 

This is crazy. Just last night you told me you still loved me, you missed me, it's not the same without being able to talk to me, and that this wasn't what you wanted for us either. So why are we in this situation then? If we both feel that way, and if we're both miserable over it, can't we put an end to this and get started on a new improved relationship?

 

I'm trying desperately to not contact her, so I'm not sending that message to her. I know that it will just add pressure and possibly have the opposite effect than I intended.

 

I don't want to wait months for something to change, or for her to contact me, or before I can contact her. This just happened Monday night....does it really have to be that difficult to repair this given the feelings we both have for each other? I want to be direct and ask for another chance, but I'm guessing that would backfire also.

[confused2012]

Yes, and she was practically begging me to propose, in a kind of subtle way. No, I haven't done anything terribly wrong. I treated her respectfully, gave her love, attention, didn't talk down to her, didn't cheat, lie, hurt her, etc. I'm not perfect so I'm sure I did something wrong. I guess the worse thing I contributed is the clinger type response but that was only a few weeks after she started withdrawing and I could sense something was terribly wrong. So if anything that could have hastened the end of it. I told her I didn't want a relationship that was lukewarm and something had to change....and I meant it. A few weeks later it did.

[Pinnacle]

As much as any of us can try to give you advice, you know your situation best and need to use your best judgement. The thing is though, this is something that SHE has to actively fix, something SHE has to take action on because HER actions caused this CONSEQUENCE.

 

A girl loves you or doesn't. There s no middle. She can't be like " I love him, but..." No. All BS. She wouldn't end things on a whim if she truly loved you. This is not loving behavior. Calling of a wedding is fine since there is much pressure and responsibility behind it which makes life and marriage in general unnecessarily difficult, but she decided to call of the relationship all together. I am telling you right now if you take her back right now this only sets up a precedent for her and it will not end well. You need to step back and look at this from an outside perspective. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. And trust me its hard. I know what it feels like to really want someone, something or whatever but know deep down that you can't have it for one reason or the other. But you have to thing long term, not short term.

[Yaz]

GIGS dumper. No contact. Move on.

[confused2012]

Thanks. We hadn't even set a wedding date. It was open and based on how things progressed in our relationship. In March and April she still wanted the Wedding to happen YESTERDAY and I wasn't quite there. When she started becoming distant all of that changed and regarding the wedding date I told her I could stay in this and work on issues and we didn't have to set a date yet, but I didn't want to wait forever to get it figured out. (Start of the applying pressure by me).

 

I did text her after she told me she still loved me on the phone during the breakup Monday night. I said something like "if you truly loved me I don't think you would have done any of this." And her response was something like "whatever".

[confused2012]

GIGS dumper. No contact. Move on.

 

I've read GIGS in other places. What does it mean?

[Pinnacle]

Grass is Greener Syndrome

[bugg]

 

A few months ago she was head over heels and couldn't wait to start our new life together. We've been engaged for 7 months, and dating a total over 19 or so months. Until her recent period of withdraw, she was the pursuer and now the roles have reversed severely.

 

 

By pursuer do you mean the one leading the relationship? the one chasing? If that's the case maybe she wants you to take initiative. every girl wants to know she is worthy of being pursued. If that's not what you meant, ignore this advice.

[Oasiswater]

By pursuer do you mean the one leading the relationship? the one chasing? If that's the case maybe she wants you to take initiative. every girl wants to know she is worthy of being pursued. If that's not what you meant, ignore this advice.

 

I'm gonna play devil's advocate and assume that's what she meant. She wants to know that she's worthy of being pursued. Flip side of that? You're going to dump your fiancee who has apparently done NOTHING wrong, cancel a wedding, AND break his heart because you want to be pursued?

 

I was in a relationship where I was dumped for similar unknown reasons. Contact a few weeks later led her to asking me, "So wait, you're not going to chase me? You're not going to come after me?"

Long story short, I got back with her and ended up right back in the same position a year later.

 

This girl, just like my ex, is deeply troubled by something in her life. Let her be.

[bugg]

Not saying it's the way it she should have handled it, but it might be a reason.

[Oasiswater]

Not saying it's the way it she should have handled it, but it might be a reason.

 

Of course. Not attacking your opinion... I'm just laying out the opposite side of that rationalization so that the OP can understand what we're both getting at.

 

I know how easy it is to be so desperate to get them back, that you justify your ex's actions, even though they've hurt you.

[confused2012]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate and assume that's what she meant. She wants to know that she's worthy of being pursued. Flip side of that? You're going to dump your fiancee who has apparently done NOTHING wrong, cancel a wedding, AND break his heart because you want to be pursued?

 

I was in a relationship where I was dumped for similar unknown reasons. Contact a few weeks later led her to asking me, "So wait, you're not going to chase me? You're not going to come after me?"

Long story short, I got back with her and ended up right back in the same position a year later.

 

This girl, just like my ex, is deeply troubled by something in her life. Let her be.

 

What I meant was she used to be the aggressive one, pursuing me (mostly but not completely), asking when can I see you again, telling me she can't wait to start our life together, getting upset if I didn't respond quickly enough, etc. Then something changed when she started becoming distant in May. She stopped or greatly reduced her affectionate text messages, she didn't ask as often and eventually not at all as to when she could see me next, she became more cold and distant. My response was to try to be direct and ask what has changed. She couldn't give me a logical explanation. I slowly became the pursuer and she was distancing. So our roles reversed in the May timeframe and she retreated further and further. I probably applied too much pressure, but it wasn't unreasonable, and I didn't say or do anything that she didn't used to when she was in that role.

 

She just didn't handle the distancer role well....she distanced too far and never came back. There's more too it that I will probably never figure out. If I would have completely laid off and applied no pressure, didn't ask when I could come see her, or didn't ask or try to address why she had changed, there would have been nothing left.

[confused2012]

Can I just come right out and ask her if there's any chance of reconciling so I don't waste any of my energy/get my hopes up if it's not in the cards, or would that be a mistake?

[tresqua]

Can I just come right out and ask her if there's any chance of reconciling so I don't waste any of my energy/get my hopes up if it's not in the cards, or would that be a mistake?

 

 

It would be a mistake. Just like saying all that stuff about "if you loved me you wouldn't have done this" and "we're both miserable so let's try again".

 

Go no contact, work on yourself, and make no attempts to reach out to her in any way, shape or form. If you do hear from her, casual and indifferent is the order of the day, do not take the opportunity to say "oh, well since you contacted me do you want to try again?" because all of those attempts make you look like spinless sap, and the last thing you want to do now is disrespect her by questioning her decision to break it off. If she wants back in, she'll come looking for you but odds are she will not, so don't, as you put it "waste your energy or get your hopes up".

[Oasiswater]

Can I just come right out and ask her if there's any chance of reconciling so I don't waste any of my energy/get my hopes up if it's not in the cards, or would that be a mistake?

 

Here's some better advice. It's a waste of energy even THINKING about contacting her.

 

Focus on yourself now. You came into this world without her. You were your best friend/lover before her. Time to start looking for what made you love you so much.

 

Work on your own life, while she works on hers.

[confused2012]

Thanks for your input. I know that's what I need to do, but it's easier said than done. I haven't contacted her since I left her house to pick up my belongings yesterday. I'm planning on keeping it that way, but I know it's going to be excrutiatingly difficult for me.

 

I feel terrible!

[Oneironaut]

Can I just come right out and ask her if there's any chance of reconciling so I don't waste any of my energy/get my hopes up if it's not in the cards, or would that be a mistake?

 

I don't think it would necessarily be a mistake. There is nothing wrong with trying to get things out in the open. All I can recommend is that if you do that, be prepared for an answer you don't want to hear.

 

During the 6 1/2 months that my boyfriend and I were apart, because of a breakup that he initiated, I was constantly told there was no chance in hell we'd ever get back together, and that I should move on. Then he would do stuff that sent me incredibly mixed signals. So I hung in there as friends for 5 months, but finally, I'd had enough and went NC to start healing myself and moving on. After 6 weeks of no contact between us, he suddenly started writing me again, acting friendly and extremely flirty. Three days later, he asked me if we could start fresh, and I said yes. That was over 4 months ago, and things are still going great.

 

My point is simply that you honestly have to do what you feel is right for YOU. In my case, right after the breakup, I was told "NC all the way!!!" but I knew it wouldn't help in getting him back. I was adamantly told NOT to take the friends route, but I knew cutting myself off from him entirely wouldn't do me any good if there were any chance for reconciliation. And when he did contact me after 6 weeks of silence, had I taken everyone's advice of "remain in NC, period!", we wouldn't be back together.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide, and please keep us posted.

[Yaz]

Thanks for your input. I know that's what I need to do, but it's easier said than done. I haven't contacted her since I left her house to pick up my belongings yesterday. I'm planning on keeping it that way, but I know it's going to be excrutiatingly difficult for me.

 

I feel terrible!

 

Yeah, it's awful. But the more you make contact, the terribeller you'll feel. Stay strong, no contact. No response. Just move on like she's dead. It's for the best.