I'm not sure...about this.

[amethyst exchange]

I've been flirting with this one young woman at work, and we've been getting kinda close and we've been out for drinks once or twice, nothing formal just sort of after work stuff. Anyways, the flirting has gotten increasingly...intimate. Anyways just recently she invited me to go out with her to the bar and we came back to her place...got a movie etc...and then she kissed me...and not just...'oh, you're so sweet' kiss but a passionate, gropey kiss...and well...I...kinda said 'you really should think about this because I'm not...sure if this is appropriate'. Needless to say...she was confused... I apologized about it and said I'm just sort of coming out of a relationship (one that ended a couple of months ago) and I'm just not...primed for this kind of intimacy yet....

 

I've had relationships in the past and rather regularly when it comes to intimacy....things don't go well. Part of it is that I don't really enjoy it. When a young woman says 'I really want you', I get really nervous and I get stressed because I feel like I have to perform perfectly...and yes I know no one is awesome the first time their with a new person but...I just don't feel like I've ever performed adequately and I always feel like I let women down because I flirt really well but I rarely am I willing to act in a way that complements what I flirt (IE I'm no where near as aggressive in actual intimacy as I broadcast flirting). I just don't ever feel great about sex...or intimacy I always feel like I have to pretend like I enjoy it...and yes orgasm feels nice but feeling nice isn't enjoying....in the same way that a short laugh doesn't make a bad day feel great. I never look forward to sex...because I'm always consciously aware of the fact that it's very likely that I'm not any good at it.

 

I really like the young woman....but I rather feel like this isn't something I can sustain....like my other relationships I feel she'll just end up feeling resentful about it. I mean she really seems to like me too...but....I don't want her to be disappointed....

[SongCoyote]

Actually, I think you've taken a good first step by taking it slow and telling her you weren't ready. I think the next step could be to be honest with her and tell her some (or all) of what you just posted here. If you really like her, and if she's at all reasonable, she'll be understanding of your hesitation and willing to work at your speed and minimize your stress. If she's not willing to deal with your being cautious (and/or nervous) then she's probably not right for you. My approach would be something like:

 

"I really enjoy your company, and I want you to know that I would like to see you again. I want you to know that though I hesitated when we were starting to get intimate, it's not because of you. I just got very nervous, and to be honest I'm not as aggressive about intimacy as my flirting might make it seem. I'd love the chance to get to know you and take things a little slowly so I can overcome this, because I really think you're worth it."

 

This tells the truth while also offering some pleasant compliments. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I've had great fortune being honest and direct with people to whom I am attracted. Good luck, be good to yourself, and remember that even if she decides she doesn't like your approach that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you - incompatibility happens! (But it sounds like you have a good chance with this lass....)

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[RedDress]

So... like... do you ever intend to enjoy sex?

 

What I am trying to say here is that you are clearly letting your insecurities get to you. So... the question is... how do you get over your insecurities?

 

I think the answer to this one is kind of simple. You start to feel more comfortable about something the more you practise and the more you do it. Try to go the sensual route instead of the passion route if it freaks you out. What I mean by that is cuddle... slowly start to explore with each other... LOOK at her. See what she reacts to and what she doesn't react to. Let her tell you what she likes.

 

I'm not sure I have much better advice than that (maybe someone else can jump in)? Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him".

 

... and there ya go. So... do you really want to be afraid forever? Or is this an insecurity that you want to conquer?

 

Stop worrying about being good and start worrying about enjoying. Good lovers? They are good because they enjoy what they do.

[amethyst exchange]

So... like... do you ever intend to enjoy sex?

 

What I am trying to say here is that you are clearly letting your insecurities get to you. So... the question is... how do you get over your insecurities?

 

Right now I'm just...avoiding the whole situation by just not putting me in a position where she has to feel horrible by trying to be ok with what happened...IE I just...haven't talked to her since....that night...

 

I think the answer to this one is kind of simple. You start to feel more comfortable about something the more you practise and the more you do it. Try to go the sensual route instead of the passion route if it freaks you out. What I mean by that is cuddle... slowly start to explore with each other... LOOK at her. See what she reacts to and what she doesn't react to. Let her tell you what she likes.

 

Stop worrying about being good and start worrying about enjoying. Good lovers? They are good because they enjoy what they do.

 

It's just I don't want to enjoy it per se...because I'm slightly concerned about being too selfish...and I don't want her to have to suffer through being with me and not getting anything in return...I just don't think I'm that good of a catch...and I feel stressed that she seems to think I am....

[listed]

One way of looking at it (maybe not the correct way) is that you're too worried about losing the relationship that in prevents you from having it to begin with. If you go into it not caring, then you can have confidence in the fact that she wants you, and that whatever you're doing must be fun and exciting to her. Try not to worry about things lasting or feeling like they have to last.

 

On the other hand it may be that you just don't want or aren't ready for a relationship right now but if you're posting about it on the forum obviously you're tempted. If you can control your attitude towards things it might turn out enjoyable.

[listed]

It's just I don't want to enjoy it per se...because I'm slightly concerned about being too selfish...and I don't want her to have to suffer through being with me and not getting anything in return...I just don't think I'm that good of a catch...and I feel stressed that she seems to think I am....

 

Your self esteem could use some work. Remember that you're not the one that has to be attracted to yourself. The jury has spoken and you are attractive to her. If she ends up not liking you in the long term then you haven't lost anything that you would have had otherwise (just be careful about emotionally committing yourself). If she does end up liking you and you end up enjoying being with her then you're wrong in a good way.

[amethyst exchange]

Your self esteem could use some work. Remember that you're not the one that has to be attracted to yourself. The jury has spoken and you are attractive to her. If she ends up not liking you in the long term then you haven't lost anything that you would have had otherwise (just be careful about emotionally committing yourself). If she does end up liking you and you end up enjoying being with her then you're wrong in a good way.

 

Well that's the problem, I do get committed when someone shows me the least amount of affection. She has tried to talk to me about it but I've been trying to brush it off as just something that happens when you drink a little too much. I don't want her to feel like I was...rejecting her completely.

 

 

I just am quite cognizant of what has happened in the past with other women. And like I said I have a hard time believing people....when it comes to this sort of stuff...

[jonny15]

I don't get it.

 

Your scared to have sex again because you think your gonna be bad at it?

 

That is actually preventing you from having sex?

 

If some chick offered it up to me, the thought of performing bad wouldn't enter my mind, cause the first thing i'd be thinking is "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES SOMEOME WANTS SEX WITH ME!@$!@%$!@#%!@#%!@#.

 

Sucking at it might be the second or third thought after the first few times. But not at first.

[amethyst exchange]

I don't get it.

 

Your scared to have sex again because you think your gonna be bad at it?

 

That is actually preventing you from having sex?

 

If some chick offered it up to me, the thought of performing bad wouldn't enter my mind, cause the first thing i'd be thinking is "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES SOMEOME WANTS SEX WITH ME!@$!@%$!@#%!@#%!@#.

 

Sucking at it might be the second or third thought after the first few times. But not at first.

 

I just didn't trust it. And I just don't feel comfortable with the whole 'someone wants sex with me'....because I guess it's never about me...I mean not superficially...as such my inabilities always trump everything...I mean the idea of someone wanting sex with me makes me feel anxious....and in my last relationship having sex with my ex would stress out my day....and the thing is I don't trust the girl when she tries to make me feel better about it....