Our friendship might never be the same

[mistojen]

I recently went through a break up and my best friend has been holding my hand through the healing all the way, from the time I got together with the ex, through the good times, through the rough times, and through the break up. She's been my rock. Last night I was telling her that I was proud of myself for the way I have been healing and the comfort with which I can be around my ex and not want to get back into a relationship and how I couldn't wait to start a new job to make new friends so that I wouldn't need or want to spend as much time with him as I have been. My best friend, btw, lives in another state entirely too far away to make weekend visits.

 

So, anyway, she said something that really hurt my feelings. She said she thought that if he asked me to get back together that I would in a heartbeat. That doesn't sound like a lot, probably, and it might not have meant anything other than that. I know that my friend cares about me so much and she just doesn't want to see me broken-hearted all over again, but it felt like she was saying that she saw me as weak and too-forgiving in a situation that would only cause me pain instead of happiness. It felt like she was looking down on my decision of being friends with him and feeling like it was just a way for me to hold out for him to come back or change his mind. I don't feel like that's what's going on at all; he and I are very close. I feel like I've had to hide things from her and now I feel completely uncomfortable talking to her about him at all or anything involving the break up, which is pretty much everything in my life right now. My breakup has caused me to have to go through that transition as well as now I have to move and go back to work...the break up changed my entire life and even though she's apologized for stepping over the line (and I know that she means it) I just can't comfortably talk to her, now, about the biggest thing going on in my life right now.

 

I don't want to lose her as a friend; I love her very much. I don't know what to do. Is there any way that I can feel like things are normal between us again or am I going to be forever doomed to wonder if she secretly thinks I'm making stupid decisions and resenting me for it because she'll be the one to have to pick up the pieces when everything goes to s---?

[Pebble]

Never underestimate the value of a best friend and how well they actually know you. I'm sure you've spoken to her a lot when the relationship was going well, when you had doubts, when you had tiffs with your ex, made up etc. Whether you're happy in a relationship, or hurting from a break-up, things you share with your best friend they tend to remember and see a pattern. I've had friend cry and curse their exes for hours, and for solidarity I've reminded them of when the ex had been mean to them and they rang me to rant, etc. Only to see them go back to their exes - which does not surprise me at all and when they feel sheepish about the decision, I support them by pointing out the positives about the ex - positives they couldn't shut up about when things were great. Why? Because I know how much they love them. I support their decisions each time, just like they support mine. That's what friends are for. Friends have a way of reading between the lines and may see things you can't see with your love goggles on or off.

 

You must understand that a good friend will not always tell you what you want to hear.

 

Don't be too hard on your best friend. She could be playing devil's advocate just to increase your resolve not to get back with your ex. Or, simply, she knows you and knows you're not anywhere near over him. Recently, me and my best friend went over all the negatives about my ex and I saw clearly what a waste of space he was. My friend then said, "You deserve so much better, I hope you never get back with him. However, if you do, I'll understand as it means you're not ready to move on."

 

So what if your friend thinks you're stupid? She's your friend. Love makes us do stupid things. God, I've seen my friends make very stupid decisions, stood by them, then pointed it out later and we've laughed about it in hindsight. Never underestimate the value of a good friend, especially one who's been there for you and is honest. If you know you won't get back with your ex in a heartbeat, then prove her wrong. Don't lose a friend over this.

[alli]

I think the fact that you are considering ending a good friendship with a person who in your own words "held your hand the whole way while healing" because of one comment would be a mistake on your part, not hers. It doesn't sound to me like she was trying to be condescending or cruel. In all actuality, a lot of times people do exactly what she said. You'll see here that nearly all of the people who were recently dumped come here asking how to get the person back. If it ticked you off that she said it, prove her wrong. Continue doing your own thing and if he ever propositions you for a relationship again, turn him down. But don't end your friendship over one comment that you found offensive that probably wasn't even meant that way.

[mistojen]

Thank you both for responding. I feel like I need to be a little more clear this time, so...

 

I love A (my best friend) and I know that she knows me better than myself. I know her better than she knows herself, as well. Normally, she can say these things and I find myself telling her she's right and then she always knows just what to say to make me feel better and forget about it. This time, it felt different. A sounded like she was either trying not to cry or trying to make sure I didn't hear it and she was very angry with me, it sounded like. I think the tone in her voice and the sound of the lump in her throat is what made it hurt so much. I've had nasty breakups, NASTY ones and she never sounded like this...this break up was mostly amiable. I don't want to lose A as a friend and I don't want to end the relationship with her by ANY stretch. It just feels different now. My friendship with her feels more like my friendship with my mom, now, and I hate that. I used to feel like I could tell her everything and anything, stupid, annoying, embarrassing, or silly and now I feel like I have to put on a filter. A would be completely devastated to know that I feel like that...just as much as it kills me to feel it.

 

So, really...I'm not asking what I should do because I'm torn between keeping her as a friend and not keeping her; losing her as a friend is absolutely NOT an option for me. She's been my platonic other half for too long...it'd feel like losing a limb or something. I'm asking what I should do because I want to go back to things feeling like normal. I don't want to feel like I have to censor myself and I don't want to feel like she's angry with me for making poor choices (or for setting myself up to make them, even if I resist the temptation to do so successfully). I suppose maybe I wasn't clear enough in my closing, so I apologize for that.

 

I just want things to go back to normal. I'm not angry with her and I know the hurt will go away; we've unintentionally said hurtful things to one another in the past and gotten over it as quickly as we were slapped with it. A's apologized and I've completely forgiven it; I know that she just wants me to be happy and she doesn't know any other way than to try to prevent me from making the kind of mistake that will make me miserable. I just want to go back to the friendship we had and not feel like I do right now. Is that possible? Or will it always be in the back of my mind? Will I start doing things in my life to prove to her that I'm capable of them instead of doing things in my life to prove to MYSELF that I am? That's not a good friendship and I know she wouldn't want that for us just as much as I don't. So how do I fix this horrible feeling and move forward with the friendship like it never happened, I guess is what I'm asking?

[alli]

I think the best way for you both to get over this tif is to talk about it. Just understanding the other person's perspective and feelings is at least half the solution. Find out why she reacted this way.

[mistojen]

She kind of already told me why - because she doesn't want to see me hurt and she knows that he's no good for me and if I do take him back, he'll definitely break my heart all over again. That's why I can't be mad at her for what she said; she said it because she cares a lot about me and wants me to be happy.