I Need Advice asap! How is she able to move on so quickly?

[citybas]

I will start by saying that I just turned 28, and she is about to turn 21 in a week and she still lives at home with parents that were never all that happy about a 28 year old being interested in their daughter.

 

Ok, so back in October, a mutual friend of ours decided to introduce us. He knew we had things in common, so he figured it was a good idea. Her and I hit it off from the beginning. The first time we met, it was at a sports bar while watching the football game. We exchanged numbers, and I am not exaggerating, started texting each other the minute we left the bar. The constant texting, talking, etc, went on and on, and we couldn't get enough of each other. After two weeks of this, I asked her to hang out. We did the whole coffee thing and we went for a stroll. We held hands and felt extremely comfortable. The next day, I can tell something is wrong with her. She says that she doesn't think it's a good idea to get involved because of the age difference. I tell her that I understand, and that we can just remain friends. So, we did (at this point it is mid to late November). We went right back to constantly texting, talking, etc. She even went on a date or two with other guys. Anyway, come mid-December, her and I went to dinner and a movie, and we had our first kiss. The chemistry that we had was amazing, and it all felt right. She said she couldn't deny her feelings for me anymore, but she didn't want to label us as bf/gf yet. I decided not to pressure her, so I accepted it. It went on like this through the holidays, and in late January, I asked her if we could be exclusive, and she said yes. It was great. The next few months were fantastic. We hung out all the time and talked all the time. Things started to get a little different in the month of March. You see, one of the things we had in common was our love for the gym. We would work out together almost every day. She became a certified personal trainer, and in March, she got a job at the gym that we attended. She was the only female personal trainer, and she received a lot of attentions from the many males in the gym, and she has stated before that she enjoys that because she used to be extremely heavy and insecure. Anyway, we were still fine, but we just had less time to hang out with her new job. April went by, and at the beginning of May, we got into our first argument. It was my fault, and the argument started out of jealousy. You see, there was a co-worker of hers that served as her mentor, someone that she really looked up to when it came to her profession. But, he didn't exactly respect the fact that she had a boyfriend, and would constantly flirt and make inappropriate remarks. I had been having a few rough weeks at work, and my insecurity came out. We argued a couple of times over my jealousy, and every time, I would apologize and accept full blame, and I would tell her that I would improve on it. And I did. She would tell me that she will never be with a guy that gets jealous, and has broken up with guys before over jealousy. But, I figured this was a different relationship to her. According to her, she never fell for a guy like she had me, and that she could never imagine her life without me. She would thank me all the time for being amazing to her, and for being her best friend. I was there supporting her in all that she did, whether it be school or training for a bikini competition. Her parents always gave her greif and told her that the competition thing was silly. So to sum things up, so far, we were best friends, in love, supported one another, and only had a few arguments here and there.

 

In the middle of May, we had a disagreement over a guy that was disrespecting her on facebook. I told the guy something, and took up for her. She became infuriated. She told me she was tired of my jealousy and that it was over. Just like that...it was over. I had to wait till the next day to talk to her. She, out of the blue, tells me that her "feelings" have changed and that she cannot control them. She also tells me that she is tired of catching greif at home over dating me. Now, I had never, ever, done anything to make the parents disapprove of me. I treated her extremely well, and I treated them extremely well. She asked that I not contact her and that it was over. So, the following week, I go on a weekend vacation with friends, and I get weak and text her. She tells me that she misses me, and that she wants to see me when I get back. So, the day I get back, we meet at the gym for a workout. She embraces me, and tells me how miserable she was for the two weeks without me, and that she made a huge mistake. Now, to backtrack, I found out that she went on a movie date with some guy from the gym during that two week period. I asked her about this after she told me she wanted me back, and she said that it was silly and stupid on her part. So, we get back together, and have a fantastic week together. We even have sex, which is saying a lot, because she doesn't like to do it that much because of a childhood molestation that she experienced. The day after we have sex, she tells me that we cannot be together, again, because she is having to lie to her parents to see me, and her, living at home, could not handle it. She says that her dad goes by the gym randomly to check and see if I am there (I know she isn't lying about this as I have had friends from the gym see it as well). She says that she wants things to go back to the way they were at the beginning, when we were just friends, and best friends almost immediately. I'm telling you, there is some connection there with us that is amazingly strong. I tell her that I can do that, and that I don't want to lose her completely. Anyway, another week goes by, and she tells me that we can't hang out anymore and that she needs her space. I ask her if we will ever speak again, and she tells me she doesn't know. She says that she has never had to get over someone that she has cared about like me, and she says that her parents obviously don't want me in her life. I then find out through a mutual friend that she started talking to another guy the day after she broke up with me the second time, and that they are constantly talking.

 

Now, I am in a serious depression over this. I cannot contact her, as I know it would make matters worse. I miss my lover, but I miss my best friend the most. It hurts that she moved on so quickly, and I cannot figure out why. She told a mutual friend that she just "moves on quickly." Is there something more to it than that? Is she able to treat it this way because she is young and not sure what love really is? Is she hurting or missing me at all? Do I ever contact her again or move on? I am so confused. I just really wish that after giving her time and space, that things can eventually come back to normal. Is this just an unrealistic dream? PLEASE HELP!

[tresqua]

Is there something more to it than that? Is she able to treat it this way because she is young and not sure what love really is? Is she hurting or missing me at all? Do I ever contact her again or move on? I am so confused. I just really wish that after giving her time and space, that things can eventually come back to normal. Is this just an unrealistic dream? PLEASE HELP!

 

Not necessarily, some people just shut down the emotions like a switch and they can move on much more easily than you'd expect. Yes shes young and her definition of love might be a fraction of yours. She's hurting, obviously, that's why she came back once and told you how much she missed you and had sex with you. You go no contact and move on with your life, nothing will be gained by chasing her. It's an unrealistic dream to think that giving her time and space will help, but hey you never know.

 

Also the jealousy was probably huge, and it was enough for her father's constant criticism to finally win over. After you got back together you asked about the guy she saw when you were split. HUGE mistake, and if you don't know why then think about it. Your jealousy and insecurity will plague you in every relationship you ever have unless you deal with it effectively.

 

This part here..

 

She would tell me that she will never be with a guy that gets jealous, and has broken up with guys before over jealousy. But, I figured this was a different relationship to her.

 

She warned you repeatedly to drop the jealousy thing but you disregarded that, and invalidated her feelings because you think you were some sort of fantastic guy so different from the rest that it just didn't matter that you were jealous. That's a mistake you don't want to make again. Look maybe you can't help the jealousy, but you can learn to keep your mouth shut.. and that's close enough.

[citybas]

The arguments were never big all that big due to the jealousy. I thought that when you're in a relationship, you take the good AND bad? I stuck by her insecurities and constant need for attention. I didn't break up with her over it. I gave her the opportunity to change, something that I wasn't given.

[tresqua]

The arguments were never big all that big due to the jealousy. I thought that when you're in a relationship, you take the good AND bad? I stuck by her insecurities and constant need for attention. I didn't break up with her over it. I gave her the opportunity to change, something that I wasn't given.

 

Ah, there it is, that "victim mentality" rearing it's useless, ugly head. "It's not FAIR, we were in a relationship she's supposed to stick by me through good and bad, I did it for her but I didn't get a chance!"

 

Everyone draws their own line in the sand and you found out where hers is, unfortunately just a bit too late because you didn't think it was that big a deal to her. Even though she gave you the benefit of being upfront about how she felt about jealous guys.. she TOLD you it was a dealbreaker and yet you persisted anyway because you thought you were different.

[whaaaa]

I know you're hurting but she is 21!!! She has her whole life to live. It takes your 20's to really find who you are. Anytime you feel down you have to say to yourself she is 21 and has so much to learn. You messed up by dating her and falling in love with her because the chances of it working out were basically slim to none. Chalk it up as a loss man and go find a girl who is in the same place you are. She still has a lot of partying left and getting to do things that a 21 yr old is supposed to be doing. Think back to when you were that age. Probably feels like forever ago. Let her be happy and man up.

[iBroken]

^ Yup - I saw the disclaimer about her being 21 and OP being 28. I didnt read the rest to know the answer to this question

 

At 21, she doesnt know what she wants....therefore, at that young age, its easier to just move on to the next

[hanalei]

Yeah, just move on man. Plenty more girls out there.

[Ms Darcy]

Ah, there it is, that "victim mentality" rearing it's useless, ugly head. "It's not FAIR, we were in a relationship she's supposed to stick by me through good and bad, I did it for her but I didn't get a chance!"

 

Everyone draws their own line in the sand and you found out where hers is, unfortunately just a bit too late because you didn't think it was that big a deal to her. Even though she gave you the benefit of being upfront about how she felt about jealous guys.. she TOLD you it was a dealbreaker and yet you persisted anyway because you thought you were different.

 

I actually agree with this.

[Oasiswater]

At 21, she doesnt know what she wants....therefore, at that young age, its easier to just move on to the next

 

This.

Don't take it personally. She's going through a lot of changes, and she's not looking to settle down. You were on different pages in life.

Move on.