Nearly 30 & for the first time since been a little kid im scared.

[JonnyG]

Apologises in advance as I know this will be long.

 

As a kid naturally some things scared me, but I was never really depressed. For the most part it was fun growing up. Uni was great. Not much working but lots of playing. Apart from exams there was no stress, just a good laugh. I had a little heartbreak from a girlfriend in the 3rd year but that was it. I was having a great time! Finished uni & got a job at 23. The job slowly got better & I got paid more. It felt great to be employed & start earning for the first time ever. Couple of years on I met a wonderful girl & had great fun for about a year. Unfortunately then I got cold feet. She was nearly 8 years my senior. I felt under pressure for marriage & kids earlier than intended & I also got the "Is the grass greener?" syndrome. I had barely had any relationship experience & felt I was getting trapped. It was really sad because the girl was great. Good looking, great personality, heart of gold, sinner in the bedroom & financially secure.

She would make an amazing wife & a great mum. I almost went insane trying to decide whether to stay or go, but eventually after months & months of debating I decided I couldnt risk it or waste anymore of her time.

I have never felt so guilty in my life. She was so great & without being cliche it truly was me & not her, I hated myself for breaking her heart. This was just over 3 years ago.

 

It was tough moving forward. We still kept in touch as friends & I think she hoped I would come back. I questioned myself daily if I made a mistake but continued being single.

I took a while before I messed around with the other sex again, but I didnt want a relationship, just had fun for a couple of years. I think its because deep down I wanted to get back with my ex,

just hoped it was a matter of time perhaps til I had sown my seeds & realised how much I needed her. I think another reason I haven't entered another relationship was because the last one was so difficult

when it ended, I feared a repeat of this. And so my commitmentphobia was born.

 

This last year has flown by. Im truly stunned! I mean the last 3 years have zipped by but the last one???!! It has also turned into the worse year of my life....

The ex girlfriend I always longed to go back to has been in a relationship with someone else for about a year. She doesnt talk to me anymore, just politely replies to some of my text. Im sure she has given up hope I

will ever return & is feeling the biological clock ticking. I don't blame her. After 3 years I'm still missing her like crazy & still question myself every single day & wonder if I have made the biggest mistake

of my life. Im ashamed that I still text her, even though my head says "no" my heart sometimes gives in & text her. Selfish I know.

 

Any girls I had fun with during the last few years have disappeared. The two younger girls wanted relationships but ultimately I was scarred with commitmentphobia issues & also felt that neither grabbed my heart

like my ex did. The two older girls I met were literally fun from the start, a mutual understanding that our age gap meant there was never a chance of a relationship, both these girls also went off eventually when

they founder an older guy. Im now left alone & have been for a while.

 

My job has hit a wall. Its been 6 years. Ultimately it was only ever meant to be a job that was going to give me some experience after uni before I moved to something else. The problem is I HAVEN'T A CLUE what to do. So I stayed longer

than intended as I got comfortable. I fear leaving my job because I'll likely have to settle for a lesser wage & I worry I may hate whatever new job i get.

 

Friends? What friends? All my work mates are in serious relationships/married/kids. So apart from some friday after work beers I don't do anything with them. I have 2 main friends which I have known since uni. Unfortunately

one of them (my flatmate) has completely let himself go. He got himself into financially difficulties. Ate like a monster. Piled on the weight & with this he gave up caring about his appearance. He treats the flat like just

one big garbage dump & it drives me insane. Naturally this has left him unconfident with the opposite sex so counting on him as a wingman is pointless & I can barely get him on a night out anymore. So I rely on one guy pretty

much for a social life. Going out with 1 person every saturday night to the same places is getting bit boring. I feel like I have been out doing the same thing over & over for eternity. Maybe I'm just getting bored of the usually

club/drunk situation. If I had a gf I would do so many other things I wouldnt do with a guy. Go out to restaurants, theatre, walks, picnics, cuddly nights in etc.

 

Now my fun flings have all gone I've suddenly found myself completely without a mojo. I use to be able to chat to girls, now I struggle to dare even say "hello". Any girl on a night out who shows an interest in me I seem to self

destruct in front of even when they are pretty much serving themselves on a plate to me I'll go home empty handed, at best a cheeky snog. Any girl who knows me from my work or the gym who likes me I seem to find reasons not to go

out with them. Again, its half a case of my relationship phobia (I fear the relationship failing even before it starts) & the other half, as pathetic as it sounds, because I still question If I should have ever left my first true

love (Jesus Jon make a decision about her & get on with it!!!!). I now haven't had sex in a year! For a sex mad person like myself its killing me.

 

So im bored. Bored of being alone. Bored of being sexless. Bored of my job. Bored of my apartment. Bored of the little friends I have. Bored it seems of everything. Its scary because I use to love finishing work, use

to love the weekends but now when I finish work I fear going home because I think about how boring everything has become in my life. Its crazy!

 

This has led me to a nasty gambling habit for the last 8 months. Apart from the gym which I enjoy because it removes stress, feels good & I see some different friends etc gambling is what I have turned to. I can go to

the pub, grab a tasty pint, play a silly fruit machine & temporarily forget i'm bored. This has ended up costing me about £2,600 & counting. Money that should of gone towards helping me save for a deposit for a house. What

a waste! But I'm finding it so difficult to stop because it helps me forget my boring life.

 

Im turning into someone I don't like. Getting older, greying/thinning hair, joints becoming tired. Stuck in a job thats not me but havent a clue what is me? Bored of my apartment, my friends, my social world, my ENTIRE life.

Becoming a degenerate gambler. Too scared to chat to woman let alone ask one out, & still missing my ex so so much. Just turning into an old miserable git who whines & sulks most days. I reminisce constantly of the life I could

of enjoyed if I had never split from that wonderful girl. Or of the life I could of had/still could have if I dam pull my finger out. Feeling very envious of those in life who have achieved things. And I only feel worse when I think how ungrateful

I am when I'm so lucky to have what I already have & the opportunities available to me......... Guess its not going to be helped though when we live in a world dominated by media about people who are paid more money in a few weeks

than we mere mortal people will earn in a LIFETIME, who own 10 houses, 15 cars, millions of beautiful people after them but how half of them never seem happy? What chance do us normal people have when were a bit down.

 

I can't believe it but I have realised in 2011 that I am scared of life now. Actually SCARED. Its quite clear im having some sort of quarter life crisis right now & its real bad.

Any advice would be appreciated. Anyone recently gone through similar issues & come out rosy? Or anyone else sitting in same boat?

Regards

[TakingtheBlame]

Yes I think I can relate, to some extent. Just the other day I was seriously considering leaving behind my legal career and joining the Peace Corps at 30 (posted a little query about that on eNA, in fact!) Not to get too sociological, but I think a lot of it has to do with our generation having been raised by a generation that was two kids into a happy marriage by the time they were 30, whereas nowadays values/gender roles/costs of living/educational requirements have changed so much that a happy marriage, financial security and ideal career at 30 is nearly impossible. So here we sit, having expectations somewhere in the back of our head that we should have had it all figured out by now like our parents did...and yet, finding that it's nearly impossible now that we've gotten here. I think being aware of that is the first step to taking a breather and realizing hope is not lost, and that there's still time for things to settle into place. I also think it helps to realize that there are pros and cons to EVERY decision we make...you chose and stayed in the career you're in, and left your ex, for reasons that were entirely reasonable at the time you made those decisions, and there's no sense in beating yourself up over that. Had you left your current career for another, or had you stayed with the ex, you may well have been in a more horrible situation now than you actually are.

 

Really, I think the thing to take away from all of my rambling is that I think we all go through this to some extent, but it's not founded in reality so much as in our ideal expectations regarding where we should be at this point in our lives. One thing I've noticed, when I've taken the time to look back at my romantic life, is that every boyfriend I've had was somewhat better in quality than the one before him. Especially for a guy (sans biological clock!) you are still way too young to regret having left your first love...there are so many wonderful women out there waiting for you and you have all the time in the world to find them. There's also a ton of time to re-evaluate your career goals and change your path. Let go of your expectations and the stereotypes around certain ages and achievement of goals, and just try to enjoy every day individually. I suspect overall contentment often follows.

[Someday_Soon]

Look at some of the other posts around here...there are a lot of people who got married during their 20s, when their social life was at its peak, only to become unhappy later in life...because there are so many changes from your 20's to your 30's and into your 40's and those changes are usually not much fun. Happiness is a choice 99% of the time. If you had ended up marrying that first girl just remember that things may or may not have been a utopia. I wouldn't spend much more time regretting it, because A) you don't necessarily have any guarantee it would have worked out and B) if you think about it too much it will depress you even more.

 

The first thing you need to do is start saving money for your own house so you can get away from your slob roommate, which means you need to stop gambling your money away. Just stop. Your biggest asset right now is that you have a steady income. Your second biggest asset is that you've had a self realization that you have a desire to improve yourself. Once you have your own place you don't have to worry about your rommate embarassing any potential dates you bring over.

 

What I would do is sit down and put a personal budget on paper, along with some social goals you'd like to achieve and keep this on the wall somewhere where you can see it every day so you will be reminded. At the end of every month, write down a summary of the month and what you did to get closer to your goal. It takes great dicipline to get out of a funk like this, but it is possible. I've seen people do it.

[JonnyG]

Two great replies. Both have some key points that I agree with. Its great hearing from other people & their opinions. Takingtheblame how true that is, my parents were married & had 2 kids by 32. Dad had a great career & they had moved into an awesome big house. In this day & age I don't think its as simple yet we base ourselves on our parents/the previous generation & our friends. I also agree with the pros & cons. I do remember leaving the ex thinking "This is tough but its for the best". Unfortunately I think i made the mistake (which I won't do again) of trying to remain friends. Seemed a great idea at the time but when you leave someone great & not entirely sure why youre leaving them in the first place it leads you to question yourself CONSTANTLY. At least it has with me. Its ironic as i said because had she finished with me & walked away I wouldnt be in this situation, it would of hurt but by now I would scarcely remember her as would of learnt to move on. Because I left with the power to turn back (not necessarily true anymore) I've constantly wondered "what if?". Had I stayed then yes it could of been great, or alternatively I could be there thinking "wow, i rushed this!", which is one reason I left, felt trapped into rushing into something i possibly was not ready for.

 

Someday, as above, so true, it might of not been great, I could be looking through rose tinited glasses. Many people must feel like this, but I have been leaving it well too long humming & harring. I should of cut ties instead of letting myself ponder it ongoing. As I said, will not make the same mistake again staying friends with someone, it doesnt work out well. I agree also that too many people these days marry too young & with our society the way it is it is not helping young marriages, hence the high devorce rate. Its a pity that we as humans are living longer & longer yet our bodies arent adapting adequatly. What i mean by that is you're a baby for 3 years. 10 years as a kid, 7 as a teenager. 10 as a younger adult. 10 as a mid adult. Then youre at 40. Women struggle to conceive, the bones are feeling it, hair is thinning/greying & youre not running around anymore. Thats 40 years. Yet we are now likely to live to 80-100 years. Over half our life is spent being quite old. Sucks. Be great if we could retain are youthful looks to 50-60 & still conceive children easy enough so were not all feeling the pressure to rush. In terms of money, I know I need to get back on track, the flatmate is a great person & very disappointed that he has let himself become the way he is. It is tough though saving for an adequate deposit, relying on my dad to match what i save so I can get a realisitc deposit down. Still some years away but will do me good to get my own place i think. I do have to get out of the "funk" as you said, its really killing me. I want to be having the time of my life not sulking about a great gift im wasting.