dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I have refused up to now to even consider a date, but a couple exs and friends have asked me out, should I give it a try? or should I just focus on forgetting my ex. Nothing seems to be working at the moment, how did you guys move on? and started dating again? Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 how long has it been since the BU? Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Two months, I know is not a long time but I know there is not way my ex will come back. I feel like I need to get on with my life and date other people, just feel like I am being unfaithful if I do. Maybe is too soon but I need to stay away from contacting my ex. Certainly dating will keep my mind off him but it can also be bad. I do not want to hurt anyone. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I've been on a few dates but not many. It does help from a confidence standpoint, but it can also cause some backlash because it makes you realize how strong of a connection you had to the ex. You're going to have to start sometime, so I would give it a go. Just don't go in with any big expectations and you should be fine. I've just been taking it slow and treating it as a chance to get to know someone, without putting pressure on myself. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks, I just find myself comparing everyone with my ex. We were so good together, he is so smart, and "everything else" was just great. Do you let people know that you don't want anything serious? I will hate for my ex to find out I am dating, somehow I think i am being unfaithful, even when I am sure he is in love with someone else. Do you go on dates with not sex involved? or just to get out and meet people? Sorry so many questions, just decided to really move on this time. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Two months, I know is not a long time but I know there is not way my ex will come back. I feel like I need to get on with my life and date other people, just feel like I am being unfaithful if I do. Maybe is too soon but I need to stay away from contacting my ex. Certainly dating will keep my mind off him but it can also be bad. I do not want to hurt anyone. i went out on a date a month after BU and i felt so ashamed because i wasn't paying attention to my date. LOL. right now its been 3 months of BU and 3 months of NC, i am at a stage like yours...refusing to even consider a date. but i do go out and welcome meeting people, just not on the mindset of dating and even a relationship. i guess give yourself a little bit more time. and i do believe whatever stage we are in, when we meet someone and experience magic, it will just happen. if it is months from now, it doesn't mean we are still not over our ex's yet. it is just a process i guess. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you Chelly, I agree to go on a date tonight but is killing me. I am about to text to say I am poorly but I seriously feel so ashamed. Is like I think my ex will see me even when he lives in another city. I just can't stay home or I will end up texting again and I can't keep doing it. Feel so pathetic right now. Maybe I should just go. Thanks Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 A few fun dates are OK. Just keep it friendly and don't take it beyond that. The worst advice ever given is you need to get under someone to get over someone. You don't want to make someone else the rebound and screw them over. I think you need to get past the pain and heal yourself before you are really ready. Otherwise you're just using someone to ease the pain. If you can honestly say that if the ex asked to reconcile, you'd say no is a good indicator you may be ready. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you Chelly, I agree to go on a date tonight but is killing me. I am about to text to say I am poorly but I seriously feel so ashamed. Is like I think my ex will see me even when he lives in another city. I just can't stay home or I will end up texting again and I can't keep doing it. Feel so pathetic right now. Maybe I should just go. Thanks oh go please specially it's friday! ;-) do not think of your ex today, who knows he might be having fun too! i would encourage you to go. it is just like meeting people. that is all. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 The ex will never ask.... and that I know for sure. I have been brutally ignored for weeks now. But yes, if he was to call me right now I will probably fall again because I love him. I know what you mean, the last thing I want is to hurt somebody, I will hate for anyone to feel what I feel right now (I was the rebound girl), maybe I need to make it clear I do not want anything serious, now I want to pull the sick one lol Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 You guys are making it hard for me lol I will give it a try, this guy is funny and nice just don't want him to think I want a relationship. Must stay away from alcohol Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Why can't you move on with your life without the distraction of another man. In other words, so many people only think they have moved on when they have another partner...but moving on from someone is about the mind set, not about another partner. At this point you are most certainly not ready to date..it is not fair to anyone you date to be with them in person while your mind is focused on your ex. Why can't you go out and do things with friends, join a group, just go out with people in general..not dating. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 stay away from alcohol definitely!! just to share, i joined a church oriented singles group where most topics are singles oriented ie how to be a financially responsible person being single or a single parent, how to act on first dates, etc. you might want to consider looking up groups like that. it does help a lot to focus on yourself and know the perfect time to set yourself free of the ex's shadow. at the end of the day, ENA will be here to help you too. ultimately it is your decision. do what you think is best. if it were me, i will go!!! widen your network of friends when you have a chance. they all come to our lives for a reason. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Why can't you move on with your life without the distraction of another man. In other words, so many people only think they have moved on when they have another partner...but moving on from someone is about the mind set, not about another partner. At this point you are most certainly not ready to date..it is not fair to anyone you date to be with them in person while your mind is focused on your ex. Why can't you go out and do things with friends, join a group, just go out with people in general..not dating. correct! you are absolutely right. i am there now..really. days i enjoy it, but days i do allow myself to grieve. learn your routine, learn your weakest points, then we know how to fight the blues of the day! Link to comment
ks240030 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I started dating VERY CASUALLY and WITH NO EXPECTATIONS about 3 months from BU (I was with my ex for 2 years). At first my heart was not 100% into dating but then I met "S" and he treats me like a princess. It opened my eyes, that the way my ex treated me was horrible and with "S" is the real deal. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 I am not looking to hurt anyone, I have plenty of friends, started going to the gym, have a busy daughter, I am currently working for the University I go to. I just want to start meeting people. I love my ex and somehow I feel like I always will but he made up his mind, I can't just sit around and keep waiting for him to come back. I am busy and happy, planning to move abroad and making so many changes at the moment, just want to laugh again and perhaps feel like one day I could have something real. I take your advice, and will be careful. Thanks Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Why can't you move on with your life without the distraction of another man. In other words, so many people only think they have moved on when they have another partner...but moving on from someone is about the mind set, not about another partner. At this point you are most certainly not ready to date..it is not fair to anyone you date to be with them in person while your mind is focused on your ex. Why can't you go out and do things with friends, join a group, just go out with people in general..not dating. Excellent point and I agree 100%. After a break up, the last thing I want to do is date...so I don't. Often I won't date again until I start feeling the undeniable pull to do so, and that takes awhile. If I'm doubting my desire to date at all, it's probably still too early. OP, for the time being, focus on YOU (sans random man in your life)! Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 I will pull the sick one, just don't want to end up texting my ex. I feel sick to think about hurting someone, because I surely know how it feels. I will just give it another few weeks. I am going away soon, and that should help me heal too. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks, I just find myself comparing everyone with my ex. We were so good together, he is so smart, and "everything else" was just great. Do you let people know that you don't want anything serious? I will hate for my ex to find out I am dating, somehow I think i am being unfaithful, even when I am sure he is in love with someone else. Do you go on dates with not sex involved? or just to get out and meet people? Sorry so many questions, just decided to really move on this time. There has been no sex involved so far. I'm a little farther along than you, but I haven't really gotten into any conversations about taking things to the next level. I don't let people know up front that I don't want anything serious (eventually I do), but if we were to get intimate then I would make it clear before that happens. I'm not closing myself off to anything serious, but I just don't feel ready yet. It feels more like a friendship with the current girls I'm seeing. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Two months, I know is not a long time but I know there is not way my ex will come back. I feel like I need to get on with my life and date other people, just feel like I am being unfaithful if I do. Maybe is too soon but I need to stay away from contacting my ex. Certainly dating will keep my mind off him but it can also be bad. I do not want to hurt anyone. I think if you feel this way it's too soon. I dated a few times at about 3 months out and I felt worse from the experience. I was not ready, not even close. It's different for everyone of course but if the ex is in the front of your mind it's probably too soon. It sounds like you have lots going on, positive things. Focus on those and friends/family for now. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks guys, I spoke to the guy and explain. He understands and maybe we can go out in the future. I just hate weekends. I appreciate all the comments, thanks Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Well if you get the urge to text him, call a friend - or post here. Heck go out for a long walk, w/o phone. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 There has been no sex involved so far. I'm a little farther along than you, but I haven't really gotten into any conversations about taking things to the next level. I don't let people know up front that I don't want anything serious (eventually I do), but if we were to get intimate then I would make it clear before that happens. I'm not closing myself off to anything serious, but I just don't feel ready yet. It feels more like a friendship with the current girls I'm seeing. This is what brings people to ENA....getting involved with someone who is not yet ready to date..their emotions get involved and then they learn that the person is not ready for anything serious because they are getting over a break up. It really isn't fair to string someone along into your uncertainty and heartache. Link to comment
Glowguy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 This is what brings people to ENA....getting involved with someone who is not yet ready to date..their emotions get involved and then they learn that the person is not ready for anything serious because they are getting over a break up. It really isn't fair to string someone along into your uncertainty and heartache. Trust me, I'm sensitive to that fact. I am just now starting to date and taking things slow. This is after taking at least 3 months being single and not seeing anyone. I couldn't predict how I would feel after a few dates. I have no intent to hurt anyone but I want to give things a chance if there is a possibility for things to work out. I would never string anyone along to get a confidence boost. I did make it clear that I wanted to take things slow and they were on board with that. Link to comment
dolorosa Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 "they" you are a lucky guy I think I will do the same only when I am ready. Just started NC so will just wait and enjoy my life, going away for 6 weeks and perhaps moving, more likely I will so things are going to get better. Glowguy, just do what it feels better as long as you don't hurt anyone Link to comment
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