Fiancee Ended 8 Year Relationship After 4 Month Break. Devastated.

[lemsip]

Hello everyone. I'm hoping some of you will take the time to read my post and offer some advice. One boarder in particular has helped me immensely over the last few months and I'm so grateful for any help I receive.

 

As I type this I feel like I am in the depths of hell. My fiancee and girlfriend of 8 years fully ended our relationship 2 days ago after 4 months of limbo. During that time I gave her space, acted in the best possible way and bettered myself. I couldn't have acted any better. But it wasn't enough, she says she doesn't love me anymore. She gave me so much hope, so many positive signals during the break, buying me birthday presents a few weeks ago, hugs, kisses everything. But she says that it's over with no chance of us ever getting back together.

 

I adopted NC but I'm worried that pushed her away. I'm probably wrong though. After clinging on to hope for so long it feels as if I have nothing. We own a house together but will have to rent it because it has lost value and will be difficult to sell. It means I'll have to move back in with my parents and it's a massive backwards step, one I can't find the energy to get out of. It seems like I've gone from having a future, a house, a fiancee to having nothing. I turned 30 a few weeks ago.

 

I asked her to say the words "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be with you" because I felt I wouldn't fully believe it unless she said it. She said it to me straight, that she doesn't love me anymore or want to be with me. She took down her engaged status on facebook. It seems as final as it's going to be.

 

Despite this though, I'm clinging on to some irrational hope that she will change her mind. I feel that now it's over I have nothing to lose and I should try fighting for her, but everyone is telling me to just accept it.

 

What is my best course of action now? What am I going to do? I'm losing weight, anxious, an utter mess. I can't stop crying. It feels like my life is over.

 

Any help or support I can get right now I will be so grateful for.

 

........

 

For reference, here is the background behind my story. I basically was unsure about having children and over time I unintentionally pushed her away. What stings the most is that I now want a family with her more than anything, I'm now ready, but she says it's too late. I was unhappy in a lot of things but I was making the effort to change. I hated my job so I quit it and I'm now happier freelancing. I was going to CBT therapy to deal with some emotional issues and I was making all the positive steps. When I told my gf that I was making the effort and she wasn't she said that she said that was the problem, that she didn't want to fix things. I'm heartbroken.

[Carus]

Firstly, it hurts like nothing else, but your life is not over....It is just changing*

 

You have some things to sort out so strict NC wont be possible, but what you need to do is next time you speak with her, tell her you accept the breakup and agree with her decision...This will set you up well for later down the track....

 

Then you will need to push through the pain everyday and take care of the things that need taking care of. You say you lost everything, well man, I lost all my business' and income and have been struggling ever since....So yes, things CAN get worse....

 

And lastly, 8 years is a long time. There is no physical way for her to forget about you, so remember that as you traverse the darkness that is NC.

 

It will take some time, but Stay Strong. You will get there.

 

Regards

Carus* 8-)

[LoveHurts89]

If I wasn in your position, I would lay all of my cards down on the table. I would tell her that you are now sure you want a family, you want to reconcile the relationship. Let her know how you feel, and ask her out of respect, not to contact you unless she wants reconciliation also. That way, there is no way you can gain any false hope. If she doesn't contact you, that gives you the time and space you need to work on your own healing. If she does contact you, then take each step at a time.

 

Endy, who also uses these boards, is fantastic. He has offered me some great advice. He recommended a book to me, something along the lines of "The journey from abandonment to healing." I haven't yet read much of it, but I've seen him recommend it to many people - maybe you could try reading this to help you deal with your situation.

 

Good luck xxx

[lemsip]

Thanks guys...

 

During the 4 month break I was a mess at the start but then I started to come round again and was eating/sleeping/socialising a bit towards the end. I think that's because I was sure that she was going to come back to me. NC was difficult but I always knew I was just giving her space and that I would speak to her again eventually. This time around, it feels like it's gonna be 50 times harder becuase it's No Contact: FOREVER. I've talked to this girl every day for 8 years, she's my best friend, how can I just switch off like that!??

 

Everyone thought she was going to come back to me. She really must not want to be with me, because she is 32 and wants kids. I'm offering her that but she'd rather throw away our house and relationship and try and find someone new. That's a gamble. What if she doesn't find someone? I feel like I'm ruined my own life and ruined hers as well by not embracing the idea of kids, but at 27/28 I felt I was too young to give a definite answer. She is 2 years older than me and I understand the whole biological clock. I just wish I could turn back time and say I wanted kids and was excited by the prospect. She says she's missed out on the whole period of "looking forward to having them" and wants someone who is eager to ahev them from the start. The thing is, not everyone has an ingrained way of thinking. I didn't really consider the idea of kids in the past but now I have come round. I DO want them but she says it's too late. How crushing and ironic is that??

 

Carus:

"tell her you accept the breakup and agree with her decision...This will set you up well for later down the track...."

Why will it set me up well? I know it's a bad idea but I want to fight for her so bad. But I guess at this stage nothing I say will change her mind. Also is it stupid of me to hold onto hope after everything she has said ie. she doesn't love me and that's that? I feel like I can't give up, even though I know I have to.

 

LoveHurts89:

"If I wasn in your position, I would lay all of my cards down on the table. I would tell her that you are now sure you want a family, you want to reconcile the relationship. "

Yeah she knows how much I want to be with her and a family now. I wrote her an email after she finally broke it off with me as I wanted to make sure 100% for my own sanity that she knew how much I loved her and want a family with her. It's too late. I feel like I've * * * * ed it all up and that it's my fault. I can't stop blaming myself. If I hadn't been so immature and looked at the bigger picture. But I guess it's natural to completely blame yourself after something like this ends.

 

I just see her everywhere. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I dreamt of her sleeping with other men last night and when I woke up the pain came flooding back. I just want it all to go away.

[banal]

It's not your fault. You had reasonable reservations about having children. You worked hard to make an 8 year commitment work. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over this, as natural as that may seem to be.

[listed]

Think about it this way. The relationship wasn't going to last, but you got 8 years out of it. It's a part of your life that I'm assuming you enjoyed and now it's time to move on. She wasn't right for you for life but it worked out for the time being so there's no need to regret anything. You really must realize though that staying with her after she's out of love wouldn't have accomplished anything and it's totally for the best that this is over.

[Eocsor]

Well, I know it sucks but you will get through this. It will just take some time. Probably about a year and a half or so before you've cleared it out of your system. At least thats what a lot of studies have shown to be the amount of time to heal after a significant relationship ends.

 

I was with my fiance for 14 years when it ended. It's been a year and a half now and while things aren't perfect, lifes pretty good again. This seems to have been the general time frame for my divorced friends as well.

 

You did the right thing. Kids are a HUGE responsibility(I have three who are in their 20's now) If you really aren't commited to the idea of kids you shouldn't have them.

 

You will get through this. You will have some totally crap times but slowly, very slowly, things will creep back to normal. I know it seems like it will take forever but before you know it you'll be good to go. Just concentrate on you now, take the time to heal, and then you'll be ready to get on with your life.

[lemsip]

It's not your fault. You had reasonable reservations about having children. You worked hard to make an 8 year commitment work. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over this, as natural as that may seem to be.

 

The blame/guilt I'm experiencing at the minute is the worst. It's as if I could have had everything I wanted if I had just said I wanted kids from the very start, but instead I've ended up with nothing. You're right though, I DID come round in the end though and I DID make the effort to better myself and the relationship. Thanks for pointing that out.

[tresqua]

I doubt she left you just because you were in different places about having kids.

[lemsip]

Well the kid thing I think was a big issue, the major one. We had also kinda got into a rut as well after 8 years, almost like an old married couple. I was unhappy in my job and a bit depressed and it took its toll on her. I would always be up for going and seeing new places/travelling yet in her head she wanted to sort the kid issue out. We didn't talk about things as much as we should have and it all exploded at the end.

 

We took a break for 4 months and in that time I have realised that I 100% want to be with her while she has decided on the opposite. I tried my hardest to make changes and make the relationship work:

 

1. I'd never REALLY thought about kids properly before. During the break I came to the realisation that having a family with her would be an amazing thing. Yes, it's bad that it took the break for me to realise that but I DID realise it in the end.

2. I hated my job so much and it was making me depressed and a moan to live with. When she broke it off with me I took the positive and risky step to quit my job and go freelance (Im a writer for ad agencies). I'm in a happier place now because of that choice.

3. I started going to counselling to talk about some issues and make myself a happier person. (I was never abusive or anything! I was just unhappy at times, unsure about my place in the world etc)

 

I addressed all these problems head on and I'm a different person than I was 4 months ago but she was unwilling to experience the new me. When I said that I was the one making all the effort to fix things she said. "I know, that's the problem, I don't want to fix it." I know on paper it sounds like there may be another guy involved but I genuinely don't think there is.

 

I tried my hardest, at least no one can say I didn't try. I need to give up hope but I just can't. I feel like I need to give one last push, some huge gesture or something to show how much I care.

[Eocsor]

Well, you gave it your best shot and thats all anyone can do. She sounds fairly sure in her descision so maybe it's best to just move on. You can't make someone love you or try again so it seems like it's time to let go. Best of luck.

[lemsip]

Well, you gave it your best shot and thats all anyone can do. She sounds fairly sure in her descision so maybe it's best to just move on. You can't make someone love you or try again so it seems like it's time to let go. Best of luck.

 

I know you're right, but hope is just such a hard thing to let go of. I know that I can't make her love me, but if that love existed before surely with a bit of work we could both make it appear again? I dunno, I guess deep down know I have to move on, it's just a case of when my mind and heart will allow me. The killer is that we broke up cos we were on different wavelengths about things: but now we're on the same page but it's too late.

[tresqua]

Well the kid thing I think was a big issue, the major one. We had also kinda got into a rut as well after 8 years, almost like an old married couple. I was unhappy in my job and a bit depressed and it took its toll on her.

 

The depression was probably the biggest factor and the differences about having kids might have been the final straw. But so what, sum total is she wanted out, she gave it 4 months so it wasn't a rash decision on her part.

 

I addressed all these problems head on and I'm a different person than I was 4 months ago but she was unwilling to experience the new me.

 

While it's admirable that you recognize your faults and are making positive steps to change them, I think it's a mistake to believe you're really a whole new person after only 4 months. And as you've probably figured out she doesn't believe it either.

 

Forget about one last push, forget about whether or not there's another guy. There probably is but it's irrelevant.

[hazelnut321]

Endy, who also uses these boards, is fantastic. He has offered me some great advice. He recommended a book to me, something along the lines of "The journey from abandonment to healing." I haven't yet read much of it, but I've seen him recommend it to many people - maybe you could try reading this to help you deal with your situation.

 

This is an EXCELLENT book.

 

BTW, Why does she say it's' too late? She's still very young- as are you. Life will go on.

 

You will find someone else. It seems that she's made up her mind for now.