The Unfortunate and Complicated life of Unwanted [Diary]

[Unwanted]

Hi All,

 

Someone suggested that I start a diary so I can begin my healing process, so here I am. I hope to God this works. It's a tad long, but there was no way to compress it.

 

I wake up in the morning, and feel like everything is not worth it. I don't know where to start.

 

Ok first things first. I grew up in a Christian fundamentalist household. I wasn't allowed any friends growing up, because my parents feared that I would be 'corrupted'. Listening to music was discouraged, watching movies was discouraged, going to university was discouraged, and wanting to be part of the World was discouraged.

 

When I turned 17, I realised how trapped I was. I went to university to pursue a law degree, to the dismay of my parents and their church. When I was 20, I realised I needed to disassociate myself from the church. But I didn't know how.

 

Eventually, I mustered up the courage to tell my family I wanted out of the church and its obligations. My father was greatly disappointed and angry to the point that he beat me against a wall and said he would kill me. I was so scared that I actually wet myself! It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life.

 

I feared for my life, and left home after being beaten. Surprisingly, I found a place to stay 2 nights later and I was able to live on my own.

 

During this time, due to not having any friends in real life, I started speaking with someone online from the other side of the world (I was in Australia, he was from the UK). He was basically the rock in my life from this point on. He was the only person that kept me alive. After 4 months, we decided to meet each other. And we did so in another country - Vietnam. We travelled together for 4 weeks and fell in love with each other straight away.

 

He went back to the UK, I went home to Australia. Fast-track 4 years later, we kept the relationship going. We would see each other once or twice a year, depending on our finances.

 

Due to my finances and being a student, I couldn't afford to live on my own anymore and I had to go back home. My father begged me to come home again and promised he would never beat me again. Surprise surprise, we had an argument about me not going back to church. And guess where I ended up again. Yep, my head against a wall. I didn't wet myself this time lol.

 

This time I called the police. And the police arrived and waved their finger at my father. And they left. I really didn't have any other choice but to stay home and stay out of his way. I had no money despite working.

 

My bf obviously felt helpless during this time. We planned that I would move over to the UK after my degree finished. The time is now - I have 5 months left of my degree. I've started planning for my visa etc. It was going to be the best thing in my life - to get away from my father, and my family, and be with the person that I know would take care of me.

 

My bf and I spent a considerable amount of time planning for my move - picking out flats, calculating our finances, searching for the right type of dog to get heheh. All this time, it was my bf who had initiated everything - he said he wanted me to move in with him and he would marry me when I moved to the UK. He didn't want me to apply for any Graduate Training jobs here in Australia - as I wanted to train as a lawyer. He said there was no point in applying for jobs when I would be in the UK in 5 months time.

 

I listened to everything he said. And trusted everything that he promised me.

 

On the week of my final exams (this was 2 weeks ago) - he rang me up and said:

 

"I don't want you coming over here anymore. I don't love you. And I don't want to marry you. I don't want to ever see you again. I've realised that we are 2 very different people. I'm 28 years old and I want to be my own person and do whatever I want. Goodbye. And goodluck with your life"

 

This right here, pretty much screwed me over for my exams. I am 100% sure that I failed the 2 exams. I couldn't not concentrate or focus. I was (still am) on the verge of tears every single second. I hate being alone with my own thoughts because all I think about is ending my life.

 

He knew I had exams coming up, but he chose to tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore during my exam period. I found this to be cruel and selfish. He could have waited 2 weeks to tell me.

 

All this pretty much screwed my life.

 

I didn't apply for any training jobs because of him. And now the deadlines have passed and I've missed out.

 

I didn't apply for any other jobs for work experience in the legal industry because it would upset him and thought that it would stop me from going over to the UK.

 

This is my last year of my law degree, and I've completely screwed over my exams because of this. I'm going to fail and I'm going to have to stay at uni for another year.

 

I'm pretty much humiliated in front of family and work colleagues who said that I was crazy to give up my life to go to the UK. Now they are all telling me I-Told-You-So.

 

I have asked him to provide me with more explanation as to why he changed his mind 5 months before I was due to fly out to see him. And he got angry at me on the phone and started abusing me, telling me:

 

"Stop F***ing begging me, I'll never go back to you, you look f***ing pathetic, look at yourself, you look so f***ing sad. Stop crying. You're a sad pathetic * * * * * "

 

We spoke to each other everyday for 4 years and he has never spoken to me that way. He was just so angry at me.

 

I can understand why he's left me. I was just too demanding, too pushy, too sensitive, too controlling, too unpredictable. I took him for granted, and pushed his patience to the limit everytime I had something to sulk about. And I guess he just got fed up and didn't want to live with all my complaining and pushing and nagging.

 

My father said "I can understand why he's left you, there are plenty of other prettier girls than you". LOL yes I agree.

 

I spoke with his mum the other day and she has said that it was definitely not another girl.

 

I have been emailing him, texting him and calling him, but he just does not respond. I just need more explanation as to why he has changed his mind overnight. The day before my exams I texted and emailed him saying it would be really nice if he could wish me luck for my exams. And I got nothing.

 

I want to take care of him. He has a severe stammer and does not talk to other people. If he does, he struggles to get a word out and can take him up to 5 minutes to get his name out. When I first met him online, he was a crushed soul. He had finished a music degree and was in a band that was struggling. He had no other job or form of income. He thought he didn't have any future because of his disability. During the 4 years I built his confidence. I made him feel that his stammer was not a disability. I encouraged him to pursue jobs that he would not normally apply for. I told him that his stammer was not a hindrance, but was only a challenge.

 

I think that I played a really important part of building his confidence. Now he has a job that requires a lot of speaking but he is managing really well.

 

Last time I spoke with him (me begging him to explain why he wants nothing to do with me) - he said that I made him delete a part of himself, and that he just wanted to be his own person.

 

I can understand his reasoning why. His main goal was to make it into a the music industry with his band. He was signed with a major label, but they were dropped. Once of my qualms about moving to the UK was the fact that he would have no income to support the two of us. And I really really tried my best to tell him that sometimes we have to be realistic about life.

 

I think that I may have come accross as being unsupportive of his 'music career'. I knew that it was hopeless and they were not going to get another break. I kept telling him that he needed to be more responsible. That didn't mean forgetting about the music career, but it meant having a job to support us. I think that he was very bitter about how I kept forcing him to reality.

 

I guess my point is - yes I understand why he has left me, even though he hasn't explained it very well. I've pushed him away, and I've been unsupportive of his music career, always nagging him about getting a job that pays. I guess that's why he says that I made him delete a part of himself.

 

I made a video for him today - which basically consisted of me begging him to give me a chance. Asking him to see me for a week. And just give our relationship another go. Our circumstance is unique and it is unfair to just give up on us without putting in the effort.

 

But I know it won't change his mind. He probably won't watch the video.

 

One of the things he said to me, which was a major blow, was that he said that when he first met me he thought I was his only option. But now that his confidence was a lot better, he has realised he could do better.

 

I'm regretting helping him with his confidence. If I hadn't, he'd still be with me and find me of some use.

 

Another thing that I regret is giving away my virginity to him. I know it's old fashioned, but that was one of the most important things to me. To give it away to the right person. But I suppose there was no way to predict the future. Everytime we were together, it was fireworks in the bedroom. Despite being inexperienced, I did my best to please him and he always said that I was amazing. I just feel very used. And very foolish.

 

I have no friends. I have noone to talk to. I am resorting to working 7 days a week during my uni holidays to keep my mind off things. I just want to start healing and forgetting.

 

The worst part is being alone with my own thoughts. Driving to work. Driving to uni. That time of night before you fall asleep. The moment I stand over the kettle waiting for the water to boil. The queue to pay for my groceries. Those times are the worst. When I'm in the verge of tears. And a state of panic.

 

What am I to do with my life now.

[banal]

I'm very very sorry that your ex broke things off with you the way that he did. That's awful.

 

I'll say this, that you're brave, to stand up to your parents and your church and to assert your independence. You'll get your degree, you'll get a job, and you'll land on your feet.

[Unwanted]

I hope so. I just need a lucky break. Sigh

[lalalollipops]

Post this in the healing thread hun, you'll get more replies

 

Your story made my stomach turn. It's so effed up what he did. And your father? He doesn't deserve to be one. Beating his daughter and saying what he did? Isn't he old enough to realise looks ain't everything? I mean * * * is his problem?

 

Hun you sound SO diff in that other thread I commented on. I DO hope you remain strong, it's SOOO hard, but every one of us DOES get through it.

Last year I was on the verge of just killing myself (lol) didn't attempt it but did think about it bc I wanted the pain to just go. Just take care of yourself and have faith! You ARE beautiful, beauty is not just the exterior---

[Unwanted]

Post this in the healing thread hun, you'll get more replies

 

Your story made my stomach turn. It's so effed up what he did. And your father? He doesn't deserve to be one. Beating his daughter and saying what he did? Isn't he old enough to realise looks ain't everything? I mean * * * is his problem?

 

Hun you sound SO diff in that other thread I commented on. I DO hope you remain strong, it's SOOO hard, but every one of us DOES get through it.

Last year I was on the verge of just killing myself (lol) didn't attempt it but did think about it bc I wanted the pain to just go. Just take care of yourself and have faith! You ARE beautiful, beauty is not just the exterior---

 

Ahhh yes I am starting to get some kind of confidence. I'm learning a lot especially in these past few days.

 

Clearly the men in my life have destroyed me, but I will never let that happen again. Not after the BU!!

 

I'm going to save up, and move the hell out of this household, and continue to rebuild myself.

 

And so the adventure begins!

[leaningpixie]

I'm regretting helping him with his confidence. If I hadn't, he'd still be with me and find me of some use.

 

I feel the same way about P (my ex). But the fact is, people shouldn't be found of "some use". You were trying to have him grow up and be responsible - he was holding grudges over you not endorsing his "music career".

 

Stop begging, let him go. It's not you who should beg to be taken back

[Unwanted]

I feel the same way about P (my ex). But the fact is, people shouldn't be found of "some use". You were trying to have him grow up and be responsible - he was holding grudges over you not endorsing his "music career".

 

Stop begging, let him go. It's not you who should beg to be taken back

 

Definitely have stopped begging! Couldn't stand the humiliation anymore. Thank you for reading this post, I really appreciate it