Found out they're moving in together...

[cjones22]

Well i just found out through a mutual friend that my ex is moving in with his new girlfriend. I don't know how i feel about this. Went no contact at the first of the year and a week later he was with this girlfriend. So they've been together for about 6 months and are moving in together. I guess I just feel sad and need to rant. This mutual friend suggested I call and tell him how I feel and that I still miss him but I know it would turn out bad because I would just be rejected. I'm still in pathetic hopes he will come running back to me and apologize for everything that happened, and this kind of crushed that hope. I know were not good together but for him to find happiness while I'm still recovering just really hurts. Any advice would be great. Oh and I'm

moving next month to get away from all the reminders of him...really hope it helps

[LP90]

Unfortunately that usually how it works out it seems. One person moves on before another. I was cheated on and basically left for someone else after she cried and begged to be with me and forgive her for her mistake. Seems like im the only one dealing with the devestating pain of the loss while im guessing she is doing just fine now. We've been NC for about 2-3 weeks now and i know i miss her a lot, but you HAVE to move on. You cant sit and wait for someone to change their mind and come back to you because you still love them. It has to be mutual for it to work. Its very hard, but avoid all contact with him and getting ANY info about him. You dont need to know where he is, what hes doing, and so on. He is able to live his life as he pleases just like you should. Deep inside we all hope that we will be able to get back together with our ex's, but its just better that we move on for both people involved. On the bright side, you will be moving away and starting fresh somewhere else, so im sure you will do just fine. Remember, keep your head up high and take it one day at a time. Life will be good again soon!

[ferna3069]

well its perfectly healthy to hurt because of this. and i know it hurts but try to not find out what hes been doing u know because at the end its just going to hurt more. if u want to pm your more then welcome to im hear to help

[Oneironaut]

I'm sorry...I know it hurts, but yes, moving away will help. You won't be reminded of things quite as much.

 

I'm glad you're not going to take your friend's advice, and call him and tell him how you feel...what on earth could that possibly help at this point? Your friend may be well-intentioned, but their advice sucks, lol...

 

Hang in there, it WILL get better in time. *Hug*

[lavenderdove]

I'm sorry, that is painful to hear, but I think it is positive from the standpoint that now you know he has moved on and you don't need to waste more time trying to hang onto the hope he'll come back when he's clearly focusing on building a relationship with someone else rather than thinking about coming back. You know where he stands and can now start working on getting on with your own life rather than waiting around for him.

 

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it. You need to really get him out of your head and fantasies so that you can become emotionally available to someone new. This is the time when you stop raking over memories of the past and start planning your future. Start doing things you like to do, getting out with friends and getting back into the world so that you can get on with your life and meet new people. It's easy to get into a kind of suspended animation when you want an ex back, where you just get frozen and do nothing and live in the past. He is not doing that and is moving forward with someone else, so it is to your advantage to do the same for yourself. The sooner you let him go, the sooner you will start to feel better and be happy again.

 

btw, i wouldn't suggest moving to try to run away if you are leaving your family and support system behind. What you need to escape is your own head, not escape the town. You can escape him just fine with thought stopping if you practice it. You can shift your perspective without uprooting your life, unless the move is something you would have done regardless of him and the move is to somewhere you really want to go, with a good job (or school) or some reason other than just reacting to losing your ex.

[deavyin]

I hate to disagree here but I wouldn't suggest doing thought stopping. I tried it myself and it only supressed it for a while and eventually forced me to think about the thoughts even more in the end. I read a bit about it too and apparently it's a discarded technique not much used anymore for this very reason.

 

As someone with tourettes I can totally understand why too. When I was younger I was told to suppress my tics for a time by holding them back. I'd do it through meditation but when I stopped the meditation the tics would come back 10 times worse. That's the same thing that happens here.

 

They had a good example on one of the sites debunking it. Think of a cute white fluffy bear for a couple minutes. Then use thought stopping for 10 minutes to stop thinking of the bear. After 10 minutes you will most definitely start thinking of the bear.

 

I suggest you cut out any contact whatsoever and tell your friends to not give you any updates on his life on pain of death. If they care about you then they will agree. Definitely DO NOT call him and tell him how you feel. At this point there is nothing you can do that will change his mind. You should probably accept that it's over and do what you can to move on. If he wants to be with you again it has to be a choice he makes and you can't influence or manipulate him into wanting to come back to you. It's hard I know. I'm going through the same thing right now. My ex left me for another guy and it's been 2 months since the break up. They are already boyfriend/girlfriend and I tried my best to influence her to change her mind. It only pushed her away further and now I know there is 0 chance she'll be coming back to me again. You will only push him closer to this new girl.

 

The only thing you can do is go complete NC and work on accepting the situation as it is.

[cjones22]

Thanks for the responses. I'm moving to be closer to family, for school, and lastly to get away from the reminders. Since he's been with her, he started coming into my workplace. Mostly alone while I was there, then one night he came in with her. I put on a game face so he doesn't see how much it still hurts, but it seemed so disrespectful for him to come in with her. My ex called my work to ask about a game last month (I worked at a video/game rental store) and was chatting with me like he knew me but I didn't realize it was him. When I had to ask what his phone number was on his account, he got all irritated and offended, like "how dare you not know who this is". This mutual friend told me that my ex told him about that and was irritated. Why was it such a big deal I didn't recognize his voice? But my point with this is I have done my best with NC but it gets broken when he comes into my store, there's no escaping it. I quit that job about 2 weeks ago, preparng for my move, so none of that is an issue anymore. This mutual friend also told me that my ex said he hopes we can be friends, but I just can't, not now anyway

[iBroken]

Your friend has given you horrible, horrible advice.

 

The worst thing you can do is contact him to tell him you miss him.......

[ChellyV]

i guess this is a case where NC must be applied. do not seek out information even from mutual friends and hopefully they respect that. when we break up with someone, what they do is beyond our control specially if it involves a third party now. after all, we do not want to hurt an innocent soul that our ex's are currently with (even if we are tempted to - LOL).

do not make further contact and leave them in peace. if you were the one who moved on first, would you like him to bother you in a way to pour out guilt ergo putting a sting in your heart? most of all, if you called him right now knowing his plans of moving in with new gf, it would only put you back to square one of your healing process. cry if you must, vent if you must, but NC is the way to go. believe you can, and you shall make it.

i have a mutual friend with my ex, who comes to where i live almost everyday. i control myself from asking questions because i do not want to hear it, whether it be good or bad. this is the only way i will help myself. let it be your goal too.

[BriarRose]

I am so sorry - I would be crushed to hear this. But I think you are doing the right thing by moving, especially since it will bring you closer to family. You sound pretty calm and level-headed about everything. I think you are going to be just fine Time, my friend.....

[Live-N-Learn]

This is the exact reason I deactivated my facebook account and dumped all the mutual friends. They can't keep there mouths shut and I don't want to see her profile pic with her new bf. Plus many of our mutual friends have there profile pics with my ex in them. FB is just not that big a deal to me and so I let it go. Now I have no idea what she is doing and don't get any reminders. I don't want to know if they move into together. It would def set me back.

[guest281]

hey -

 

my ex left me for someone else and moved in after 3 weeks or so!

 

kick in the teeth for me. they have been talking about getting married and my ex is going on about having babies. i found out through mutal friends, but told them to tell me nothing else again. im always going to hear about the good never the bad, so why do i want to know! i still love my ex so much, but know for my own sake i need to move on, which i have been doing. shes tried to contact me over the last few weeks, but for me to move on i havent replied. theres no need. i dont want to her friend. she lied to me, basically cheated, and betrayed me! who wants friends like that. she taxt saying im a great person and misses me, and to contact her when im ready if im such a great person why leave?!

 

let them al run along in their fantasy world, maybe they are really happy, maybe they will have regrets. but we cant sit around thinking about them no longer, when they dont think of us in that way!

 

single life is the way for me now for a while. i have a date tonight, lol so hopefully i have a good time

[lavenderdove]

>>tourettes I can totally understand why too. When I was younger I was told to suppress my tics for a time by holding them back.

 

Tourettes is a medical/mental condition and obsession after a breakup is something entirely different. Breakups can stimulate obsessive thoughts and depression, which has a very different root cause than tourettes. Most authors who are against thought stopping to reduce obsession are trying to sell some book or technique to replace it (i.e., they have a profit motive against telling you to use something that is effective and FREE, and want you to buy their book or 'method').

 

Please read this link. It can be very helpful for people with obsessive thoughts, and it doesn't hurt to try it:

 

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