How to love yourself...

[rhawk2]

Seriously just googled that phrase, went to the wikihow page, and I can't even get past the first step: see yourself as valuable. I don't see that; I've never seen how I am valuable. I am seriously good at nothing. Just average. Have no passions for anything.

 

I'm having a real hard time this summer. I'm home from college, living with my grandma, my only friend in my town has a new boyfriend and developing friendships at the college she goes to, so I'm feeling out of the loop. Plus being overwhelmed with work and summer class. I cry myself to sleep maybe 3 nights a week just because I feel miserable. I feel so stagnant, so suffocated. And I don't know how to fix it. I think about being dead all the time. I could never kill myself. I couldn't stand the pain plus I would hate the thought of hurting my grandma, or aunt, or her daughter. I don't do anything to provoke death either. I just kinda wish I'd just not wake up.

 

I don't have time to get involved in anything this summer to feel like I'm part of something plus, when school starts up again, I'll be moving 2 hours away. I'm always telling myself that I'll go get help from the school's free counseling service, but I always fall through because they set appointments up 3 days after the first phone call and by then I'm feeling okay again. I just want to feel "normal".

 

I know I isolate myself from people. Large groups (4+) of people that I don't really know terrify me to the point I will not join in. I get real bad anxiety issues to the point where I can't keep from crying. I remember doing this as a kid. I hate being alone, but I'd rather be alone then feel like "that awkward person".

 

The point of this, I guess, is: how do you learn to love something you can see nothing positive in? And please, no cliche stuff. I can get that from wikihow.

[whysoalone]

Take a look at yourself and realise where you're heading, you're in college, you're building yourself a platform for life. You'll meet people eventually, it'll all come with time. Just relax, study hard, don't get mixed up in the stupid social life that is college. You seem to know better, so keep it that way. Realise where you could be in 5-10 years, someone could come running to you, don't make it happen, just focus on the most important part and that's college for you, right now.

 

Does that even make sense?

[He2Him]

Let me start off with saying that it is possible to go from feeling like nobody to feeling like a million bucks and being somebody special in your own eyes. How do I know? I've been there, I've done that.

 

And it wasn't that long ago, exactly 6 months ago the change was started. I didn't know back then, but taking one step leads to taking another, and before you know it you've walked damn far. I can relate to your feeling of not seeing yourself valuable. I saw myself like that too. It was as if I lost consciousness of my being throughout the day and I cared only for what I saw with my eyes. I cared for others around me, not myself. I felt that my environment had a value to me, and I didn't have value to myself. And this got reflected in my behaviour too, I used to put myself down, I didn't say what I want, I cared only to please others.

 

One day, I found the power of a mirror. And I stood infront of it for at least an hour, staring at myself and starting to recognize myself. That mirror helped me realize that I too has some value. Now I could SEE MYSELF, just like I see others. Through my own eyes and filters on life, I SAW MYSELF. And almost instantly what I felt towards myself started to change. As I was taking a really good hard look at myself, I started changing my pose, I changed my hair style, I smiled, changed hairstyle again, changed my pose, did a different look in my face, did another one, and another one. And that was the FIRST step of mine to start recognizing myself. I had so much fun in front of that mirror.

 

Then I gave into self-improvement and read a lot of stuff about it and still continue doing so (once you get into it and see the results, you never stop trying to be the best that you can be every single day.) I changed my thought process, I started thinking different things, my attitude has changed, and I joined a gym which has helped me A LOT, I mean A LOT!

 

I stopped focusing on what's not ''so'' important - parties/work/computer games/alcohol/girls/relationships and started focusing on the most important thing - my health.

 

It'd be hard to describe whole 6 months of my progress, because there's been literally thousand of things and thoughts that I've been through and that have helped me, so I tell you just this,...

 

Start with a good hard look at yourself.

 

And not to leave you hanging at the start, this guy is my motivation and helped me understand a lot about life, psychology and helped me a ton in area of self-improvement. - link removed

 

I hope that you find a way to love yourself just as I did, and that one day you'll be able to experience how great it is to be alive and appreciate this feeling to its fullest.

[rhawk2]

@whysoalone, that is what I see and on my "good days", that's what gets me through: 'In 4 years, I'll graduate with a Health Care Admin Degree and start changing lives in nursing homes...etc' but it's hard to find that motivation on a typical day and even worse on a bad day. I am very focused in school, I keep my GPA up, don't get involved in extra crap that takes me away from studies or family, but it's that routine that makes me feel stagnant, and it's the stagnation that drives me insane. But I could never abandon the time I put into school and family. It makes me feel horribly guilty

 

@he2him, it's not really just a self-image issue. I mean, I'm 5'4", 125lbs, smaller than the average college girl. I spend a lot of time "checking myself out" but the view changes depending if I'm down on myself that day or if I feel like the sexiest thing to grace the planet (which is like 1/365 days a year). But most of the time, it's just an average reflection I see. Also, I'm not really into the whole external image thing. I've done my own external thing since I was 14. It's my "insides" I struggle to accept, but of course I have the typical early 20's self-image issues occasionally, but it's not the root of my issues. But I will check out that link.

 

But I had a long day at work today, so lots of time for thinking. One thing that makes me so mad and almost always makes me cry is how flipping average I am. I am just average at everything and it's so frustrating because I want just one thing that I am excellent at but I don't have anything. While thinking this at work, this thought crept in: You're average and you need to learn to accept that because that's who YOU are. So I guess it's not a bad thing, it's just me. I just need to accept who I am, but the acceptance seems to be the hardest part.

Another idea I had was taking a facebook/gossip site hiatus. Use nothing that drags me into the delusions of living others lives rather than living my own. That way I'm learning to live life as I want, not how I think I should live compared to others.

[halved]

I related a lot to this post. I struggle with the very same things. It's not just the fact that I am average, what hurts the most is that I'm given just enough intelligence to recognize my averageness.

 

I wish I could help you out. I often feel if I was more intelligent my life would be perfect. I've noticed that for everything I've ever lost or gained, I've had to WORK for it. If I just let everything ride out on its own, I'd be a Bminus or B student (of academics, of work, of LIFE in general). If I TRY TRY TRY hard, then I'll be an Aminus to A student, never Aplus no matter how hard I work. GOD, that sucks. Why can't I be one of those Aplus do nothing types? Everything comes so easy. It takes a lot of willpower to see a project through. It takes so much mental and physical energy for me to accomplish something (because I am average)...Anyway, this is one of my hangups.

 

there are some things that come pretty easily to me though. I am very interested in how people think, I love listening to people's problems and attempting to fix them. I worry a lot. I have a lot of anxiety about things people would never think about. I can be EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I am the best at being awkward. I am very good at these things. These are pretty negative things, but if you look deep enough they can be somewhat positive also. These things make me who I am, make me unique, make me view the world differently.

 

I try to ask myself "what would my role be in a primitive village?", in an evolutionary sense, how does my personality fit in?...and I always think I'd be a good matchmaker, or advisor or some sort (i could never be the leader, i'm indecisive and lazy). I'm a pretty decent listener, i play devil's advocate a lot, i'm somewhat flexible on morals/ethics...i'm very honest and harsh with my opinions, of others and myself. (This is partially why I've got such a thick skin...my judgments of myself are harsher than anyone's ever will be.)

 

so maybe you're the same way, maybe you're just a really honest person who tries to see the world as practically as possible, even if that means harming your own ego in the process. how do we make introspective, honest people like ourselves valuable? I'm not sure...but in the very least, perhaps we've determined that you and I are not so average after all....

 

I know I am extraordinarily paranoid, exceptionally strange/awkward, extremely opinionated, and superlatively riddled with worry and anxiety. I overthink so much it makes me throw up. Even though I know I'm average in most respects, especially the ones valued by modern society, I still have to believe that my extreme characteristics make me exceptional somehow, it's just a matter of figuring out how to put our natural tendencies to good use.

[rhawk2]

@halved, that is a very interesting perspective; trying to figure out what your place in society would be. I've never thought that way. And the whole having "just enough intelligence to recognize my averageness" makes complete sense.

It's sort of funny (in a weird, twisted way) how well your paranoia, awkwardness, and worrying match up SO well with me. I joke that my best friend and my relationship has ruined my social skills because we literally try to same the most horrible things just to try to shock each other or one up each other. So anytime I'm socializing I'm constantly having to remind myself that I cannot make every comment perverted or just extremely awkward. I'm always worrying about how my actions will affect me or someone else, and not just saying things or forgetting to do things; this has even crossed over into my diet. I feel like I analyze EVERYTHING and it drives me crazy sometimes. It's so crazy how well you just explained me by explaining yourself =p Hope you can figure how to view yourself as valuable soon. It's so frustrating disliking yourself and not being able to change it.

[IAMCONFIDENT]

It seems as if everyone has this phase in their life, where they are so miserable and unhappy with their life that they rather be dead. I am glad to hear that you are strong and willing to continue to fight this fight. Sooner or later you will win this battle. Some people find it so easy to say just love yourself, you are beautiful. Unfortunately learning to love yourself is a process, a process that can be difficult but in the end very rewarding.

I have been where you are just a month ago in a similar situation. I spoke with my priest (I know it might be a cliché) but after I spoke with him I felt so much better. I felt as if it was my time to be happy, let go of all my worries and love every inch of me inside and out. First thing I did, was make a list of things that I love/ like about myself and another list of things I hate about myself. You will probably find that your “I Hate” list is longer; I take one thing off the list try to do my best to come to terms with it. If it is a physical thing that you cannot, make a way to own it. If it is something you can change like you mentioned not being comfortable with a group of 4 or more people. Try to go out with 4 ppl but a place where you guys are busy; like a fair or bowling. You will not feel so pressured to think of things to converse about instead it will be small talk. When you start to feel overwhelmed just take a deep breath or excuse yourself to the bathroom take a little time to recuperate. As you start to feel comfortable with these individuals start going out to more intimidate places such as dinner.

Trust me, I totally understand feeling like the awkward person. I am always the awkward person but I love it because I am also the funny and different person. You can make jokes, you even google conversation topics. By the way no one ever notices that you are the awkward person beside yourself. As humans we are our worst critics, most people are caught up in their own problems and insecurities. On another note, you have to make yourself believe that you are awesome, beautiful, stunning, and intelligent because I am about 100% sure you are. Please do not let your fears, insecurities and negative thoughts prevent you from enjoying your life especially your college years. Your college’s years and time are something you cannot get back, so love yourself!!!! Go into the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful and wonderful everyday.

You mentioned your friend is making new friends, so can you. You have perfect opportunities to make new friends, u can make friends in your summer classes or at work. Start by a simple hello!! I wish you the best of luck and I know you can find your way to happiness.. If you ever need to talk you can email me [link removed[/email] -cheesy email address right? lol

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

[RoboDuck]

This is a bad place to ask for no cliche stuff. The hippies here will feed you cliches like they mean something, until your head explodes.

 

I used to feel the same way you describe. It eventually got so bad that I realized that no amount of rejection could make me feel worse than I already did. All of the sudden, I was everywhere and assertive and damn-near invincible because I stopped caring if I failed and I kept doing lots and lots of things.

 

Fast-forward 5 years and suddenly I was okay with myself and pretty successful.