spameh Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 We only dated 2 months! She's 20 yrs old; I'm 29. I liked her from the moment we met. Before I met her, she had plans to move away and go to college. She said she loved me after our 2nd date, and asked me if I wanted her to stay. I felt uncomfortable making her decision so early on. She decided to stay after I told her it's up to her. We text and talk every night, and it was the first time in a long time I liked someone and who likes me. I begin to fall for her. Fast forward a month, she had planned a family dinner and said if I didn't go, our relationship ends. I got upset because I felt how little she considered our little time we spent together. I didn't go in the end. I later find out she was under pressure by her family to marry a US citizen to stay in the country. She is an international student. I am not a US citizen she complained but she argued she still loves me. I thought she really loves me then. However, she became a more distant over the next few weeks -- the reason because I never asked her to be my gf officially. I told her I didn't know it bother her so much because I assume we were gf/bf naturally by the way we were talking every night and acting like real couples in person. We got in a fight one time and she broke up with me over text. She was angry and doesn't trust me. She later confessed between citizenship or me, she would pick citizenship over me. I emailed her that I didn't think it's going to work between us. We got back together and she revealed another piece about her lack of funds for college. I didn't say much, but was concerned for her. I still really like her but I was confused. I became a little distant as well, but she came on strong. In our last conversation, her dad, who is 5000 miles away from her, approve of my citizenship (non U.S.) told her to ask me to marry her. Again, if I didn't comply, the relationship ends. I got upset. I couldn't accept. She knew I wanted more time to be with her. She cancelled some of the plans we had together later that week. She never called back since. We didn't talk for a month, but I thought about her every day. I thought I could let go but I really want to be with her given the good times we had. I emailed her and said I missed her and that if she still loved me, we should talk. She emailed me that she doesn't think about me like before, and that she doesn't love me any more. She wishes me well. I believe she is seeing someone else, but I have no proof. I feel bad almost every day. Did I make the right decision? I keep telling myself she could have been good to me and we could grow together. Maybe I should have married her. How could she say she loves me and wants to be with me forever, but now don't even know I exist? I was happy to see a potential in us, and now it's completely gone in just a short time. I some times think I am going crazy.
Oneironaut Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Yikes...OK, here is what stands out to me the most: She said she loved me after our 2nd date...Fast forward a month, she had planned a family dinner and said if I didn't go, our relationship ends....She later confessed between citizenship or me, she would pick citizenship over me....In our last conversation, her dad, who is 5000 miles away from her, approve of my citizenship (non U.S.) told her to ask me to marry her. Again, if I didn't comply, the relationship ends... OK, just from a 3rd party point of view...she came on too strong in the beginning. She gives you ultimatums. Citizenship is more important than you. Her family controls her life, and in return, she tries to control yours. No, you didn't make a mistake...you aren't going crazy. She has ulterior motives, and they didn't include "true love". You are better off for not being involved with her. I know that seems difficult now, but, she pushed you too hard and too fast. You weren't comfortable with it, by your own words. So allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship, then look forward to finding someone who doesn't make you uncomfortable, push you too hard, and come on too strong, because that woman IS out there somewhere, looking for you. Good luck.
spameh Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been so hard on myself. I keep telling myself that if I been more understanding, more calm and attentive and loving in our time together, perhaps she would not have given up on me so quickly and would fight for us. I feel ashamed to do silent treatment when I was upset and made her angry. I regret I didn't encouraged her to talk about her feelings towards her situation more openly. I wished I had asked her to be my gf so she would not be confused. I wished I attended the family dinner so that she understands I was serious with her. I wish I wasn't so quick to write email saying I didn't think it would work out. I wish I didn't wait until a month later to tell her I missed her.
d24 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 she wants a visa not a relationship sorry to say this because it's going to be hard, just move on...
Capricorn3 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I have been so hard on myself. I keep telling myself that if I been more understanding, more calm and attentive and loving in our time together, perhaps she would not have given up on me so quickly and would fight for us. I feel ashamed to do silent treatment when I was upset and made her angry. I regret I didn't encouraged her to talk about her feelings towards her situation more openly. I wished I had asked her to be my gf so she would not be confused. I wished I attended the family dinner so that she understands I was serious with her. I wish I wasn't so quick to write email saying I didn't think it would work out. I wish I didn't wait until a month later to tell her I missed her. You shouldn't be feeling bad about anything at all. This girl wasn't in love with you. She was USING you to get into the US. You were her ticket to get in, nothing more. "I later find out she was under pressure by her family to marry a US citizen to stay in the country. She later confessed between citizenship or me, she would pick citizenship over me. and she revealed another piece about her lack of funds for college". You did the right thing. She wasn't after a relationship with you. No doubt she'll try her luck with another guy to get into the US. Be thankful you got out of the trap in time.
lavenderdove Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 She's wants a green card and someonen to finance her education. She's not looking for someone to love, she's looking for money and an improved standard of living. Hence she will sell herself to the highest bidder, the fastest way she can. You were thinking love and romance and happiness, and she was just scheming to improve her standard of living, with any guy who would do that quickly. You dodged a bullet here. she would have probably stuck around til her school was paid for and she got the green card, then she'd dump you for the next person who had more money or something else she wanted. She'd also probably try to import and move her whole family in with you as soon as you married, because her goal was improving her financial and immigration status.
CatsMeeoow Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 You've left your heart be twisted over someone who didn't have a heart to give. No one is going to want to jump into marriage after 2 moths. I mean I may have joked with my now husband just to see his reaction... but I wouldn't have said after 2 months marry me or its over. Look back at what you wrote as there were clear reasons why she wanted this so much and unfortunately the first one wasn't because she felt she found the man of her dreams and wanted to be with him - it was about citizenship and money. Don't be sad. Laugh at the craziness of the situation. Now imagine how miserable she could end up being. In the search to get her green card she could end up being married to a superslimeball... one who thinks hitting a woman is acceptable... or she gets knocked up with 8 bratty kids in 9 years and left with a husband who is never home and has multiple affairs... There is a great girl out there for you so why are you trying to settle for something so obnoxious? Hugs!
FathomFear Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 she wants a visa not a relationship I second this sentiment. Seems rather clear to me.
spameh Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 i understand where all of you are coming from. How do I stop myself thinking there's something potentially more between us beyond the citizenship? What about the fact that I am not a US citizen (i'm a canadian), and while she still wants to give it a chance. Or that she had changed her mind from going out of state college to local so we can work something out. She said she would plan to work an internship and make some sacrifices. She was sweet, bought and made me thoughtful gifts and accepted my own insecurities. She just wanted to know if I truly loved her it seems, but I regret for not being more trusting. I admit, the rejection hurts me. The loneliness is getting to me. I moved to a new place and have no friends or social support to lean on. I feel like I'm slipping into depression.
Cadence44 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 She just wanted to know if I truly loved her it seems, but I regret for not being more trusting. I know it's easier for you to believe this right now as you are still in withdrawal, but she did not want to know if you truly loved her. She wanted something from you. True love is not associated with pressuring someone into marriage almost right away and issuing ultimatums. True love requires some element of respect for the other person's life and best interests, and by the way she acted she didn't seem to have that for you. She was only looking out for herself. Her compromises that you describe were most likely done because she thought she had a hot prospect for citizenship. It doesn't sound like her mind was on anything but getting what she wanted and once she recognized she couldn't manipulate it out of you, she took off in search of someone else. If you had been more trusting, you would have found yourself in quite a predicament once she got what she wanted. It's not that you weren't trusting, it's that you weren't naive. Good for you. I know it's difficult but recognize that right now your mind wants to re-write history in order to cope with the pain. It's easier to think that you could have done something to change things than to accept that you had little control over this because your relationship partner was flawed/selfish. If you get stuck in a pattern of thinking that she was wonderful and had nothing but the best intentions, it will be more difficult for you in the long run.
spameh Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Her compromises that you describe were most likely done because she thought she had a hot prospect for citizenship. That's the thing. Her family has been pressuring her to marry a US citizen, but she knew I was a canadian. When she talked to her dad about me, at first he didn't say anything which could have meant he was okay with the idea her daughter being with me. So I keep convincing myself that she really did love me. When her dad ask her to ask me to marry her, then I knew that my citizenship was worthy for her daughter. She asked me if I needed more time, but I told her it was too fast, and my decision wouldn't change a month from now. I was too upset to sit down with her because she told me she would have to listen to her dad and stop this. A month later, she moved on. Saw a pic of her and another guy together. I then started to question everything I have done.
apple89 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 yeah what a pyscho * * * * * .. lol sorry for being so honest but * * * lol??.. i think she just wanted her green card and thought by saying all this ud fall madly in love with her so she could get her green card.. don't feel bad u made the right choice no one should force anyone into marrying anyone.
spameh Posted October 1, 2011 Author Posted October 1, 2011 I can't believe I am back here again. But here I am, asking why me? Why am I so unlucky? Why is it that when you least expect something, it happens to you? I have been going to a therapist intensely for last 3 months. I started feeling normal again and begin to move on. My therapist had asked me if she called me up, what would be my response. I told her I don't think she would ever call; that I don't think she is the right person for me given all that has happened. Last Friday, while I was at work, I received a call. I was shock when I heard her voice. It was a friendly 5 minute talk, but I can hear her smiling throughout our talk. I was friendly. We didn't talk anything about the past. Just a small catch-up. She ended the talk with telling me she'll call me back or I should call her. I said, ok -- talk soon. Interestingly, I recognized her number after (I forgotten it and wiped it out) that she had called me two weeks ago but I missed it. I returned her call the following day to see who it was but no one picked up. I don't know why she is calling me but I am upset, angry because I am being reminded about the past. My friend told me she's in a relationship now, which I suspected all along but finally confirmed. I wish she would just leave me alone. I have no urge to call her, and again removed her phone # once again and pray she doesn't call again. I never expected her to call me. I thought I would be able to move on quickly after that conversation, but I am beating myself even a week later as I feel weak and allowed her into my thoughts
chitown9 Posted October 1, 2011 Posted October 1, 2011 go to strip clubs, it should help. That is the strangest suggestion I have ever seen on this site! To put it bluntly, this girl did not have sincere intentions from the beginning. You are seeing a therapist, and that is a good thing. You need someone to help you cope with the dissapointment you had from being mislead. I would suggest that you seek out a psychiatrist if you feel that you are becoming severely depressed. A psychiatrist can prescribe an anti-depressant that will help you come back to a better place. Best wishes to you...
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