can't stop thinking of my ex-bf's rape fantasy. is this normal?

[tow11]

sorry if this is posted in the wrong section. wasn't sure exactly where it belonged.

edit: oops, i think this should've been in the 'healing after...' section.

 

this is something i really haven't discussed with my friends seriously. i did mention to them in passing when talking about my ex, but i sorta laughed it off trying not to attract too much attention into it. they laughed it off, too, so i just let it go. however, i can't seem to really....stop thinking about it.

i'm been single for 4 months, and recently, i've been interested in the dating scene again. no matter how nice the guy, i do doubt every guy i meet, assuming they just want sex.

 

i can't seem to break away from thinking about my ex of 3 yrs, who was also my first bf. it's not because i want him; as much as i'd like to be apathetic about him, i can't help but despise him. he's someone i will most likely never see again since he is far from me (we were in a long distance relationship during our last year). it was mostly during this said year that i got to really know him, which is odd since we were living on opposite coasts.

 

before he moved away, with his encouragement, i made it known that i do enjoy pain/domination (not too much, of course. ex: hand around neck, handcuff, etc.) during foreplay. we continued with this idea when phone sex and texting. he seemed to really enjoy the idea and i think it made him happy. so feeding off of his happiness, i always obliged into his dirty talking and his desire to be rough with me, etc. honestly, it was my first time seeing such an aggressive side of him, so it did make me uncomfortable. i didn't say anything though.

 

eventually, he told he liked the idea of "raping" me and that caught me by surprise. i know some people do act out rape fantasies in the bedroom. honestly, it did sound interesting at the moment, yet it scared the crap out of me. he told me he'd like to do this when i visit him. when i'm changing or outta the shower, he'd want to sneak up on me and rape me, and we'd have an emergency word (?) that put a stop to this if necessary.

 

while i did want to visit my bf, i was pretty scared since the idea of this happening did sound very daunting, but i pretended to like it since....well, he liked it. he'd call me at 1am in the morning and tell me of his desires to have me struggle and hear me scream. that was when i was certain he wanted me for sex. while i felt scared to visit him, i still wanted to because i thought i loved him and he was my boyfriend.

 

eventually, we did break it off. he even told me he wanted to marry me, which i realized i didn't want to be with this weirdo who only called me for jerking off purposes. i never did visit him during our LDR. he did not want to visit me since i shared an apt with my sister, and he wanted complete freedom so he could do all this sexual stuff with me.

 

this reminds me: 1 year into the relationship, i remember him telling me in bed, "you're gonna get raped next time." i know he wasn't serious, but it really bothered me and i still remember it very clearly. i'm so upset and angry i never called him out on it. i should've known when he wasn't very sensitive during my first time having sex. i was in severe pain/bleeding so much but he kept going on and told me "first time's not a big deal" while shoving his penis in. ugh. he couldn't even hear me saying "no" at one point (probably wasn't even audible), but since i never made an effort to get him off me, i can see why he didn't stop, so it's my fault. i ran home after this and cried all night. he seemed like such a monster, i remember.

 

while i'm so glad it's over, i feel this guilt over everything. i feel so angry that i did not put a stop to any of this even when uncomfortable. i was passive and pretended to enjoy everything when he was probably just using me for sexual means. i hate that and i was such an idiot. i was not an ideal gf by any means, but he was just terrible. didn't even remember my birthday. with friends, i'm able to stand up for what i believe in and tell them "yes" or "no." with him, i was so passive and went along with everything. so stupid.

 

what really disgusts me is that i found the thought of him "raping" me - just the idea of rape - kind of a turn on when he first mentioned it even though i felt mostly uncomfortable. i feel really guilty in general about this and can't stop blaming myself for going along with his desires.

 

i could've ended this relationship earlier, but i guess i didn't wanna lose what i had. i regret this relationship so much and i don't know what to do about it. maybe i'm just making a big deal over nothing?

i don't know what exactly i'm asking for here....advice? does this sound normal? i mean, do i need counseling or something? how can i just forgive and forget? it's not like i can give him a piece of my mind at this point, out of the blue. even if i did, he's gonna think i'm crazy since after all, i never opposed his ideas. so i'm equally guilty as him, if anything.

this isn't interfering with my everyday activities or anything. i'm cheerful, excelling in all my studies, and active. but i do think of this quite often.

 

sorry for the length. if you managed to get this far, thanks so much.

[fifregister]

Um...a lot of people get turned on by strange things. His fantasy sounds like it hints at some violent and misogyny towards women though.

 

Just be glad you're no longer with someone who acts out discomforting extreme stuff in the bed room. No use looking back, feeling ashamed, and disgusted. It's over. You've moved on!

[greywolf]

What exactly do you feel guilty about? Do you feel like acting out rape fantasies is wrong? Or you just feel bad about not standing up for yourself? If the latter, I know it's not easy, but I think you should just forgive yourself and move on. All of us have not stood up for ourselves at one point in our lives. It happens. =/ But beating ourselves up over it just makes it worse.

 

I don't think your bf did anything wrong (not regarding the rape fantasies, anyway. The other things you said sound pretty crappy). You never told him that you were uncomfortable about his rape fantasies. How was he supposed to know? My ex and I used to talk about raping each other and for us that was how we were affectionate to each other.

[InkkedBree]

Rape fantasies are another taboo things but still a fantasy as long there is consent. But I think there is more of an issue here of your general distrust of men, their seeking of sex, you quickly summing it up to be that, and hence lowering your worth for you see them not wanting anything much. It's a perspective that needs to be changed. Guys can do this but there are still guys that are respectable. Hence why dating should make one to eliminate the possibility if one doesn't want that. And it seems to me you tend to bottle yourself up and give in to what the other want, even if it's not what you want. You need to speak up, stand up for yourself, especially when having sex. It's not a game to give in or whatever you think it should be. I do see his idiocy in shoving himself in you for your first time and saying it's not a big deal, shows his insensitivity and his selfishness. But that's separate from his fantasy.

[tow11]

it does really bothers me is that i wasn't able to stand up for myself. i hate that.

 

all in all, i guess i'm not sure as to how i should feel about rape fantasy, but if im gonna try this out, i want it to be with a person i 110% trust. i know it's a fetish for some people, but i think what truly made me uncomfortable was that i had that bad feeling in the back of my head - like he'd actually end up killing or injuring me. when i reason it out, it all comes down to the fact that i never fully trusted him.

 

if he were truly a sweet guy, genuinely cared for me, and showed true concern for me in general, i wouldn't see him in such a horrible light. if rape is his fantasy and made him happy, i think i would've tried it.

 

however, he was such a selfish guy who never made time for me, and even implied i'm not a priority. he liked weird jokes about death and shooting people - he generally had very dark humor, which people didn't normally find funny. i also didn't appreciate how he would just call me late at night to say dirty stuff and our conversation was solely about sex, no matter how much i tried to gear it toward other nonsexual topics. a lot of times, i had a feeling he only had me for the convenience of having sex when he wanted. he seemed interested in another girl, too. yet i overlooked this.

 

really, getting calls at around 1am with heavy breathing on the other line, him telling me how he wants to be rough with me, rape or not - it scared me. i felt like some sex toy.

 

also, my friends warned me that they didn't like him - had a bad vibe, that he seemed weird, insensitive, and too calm in that eerie way.

 

i think all of this coupled with his desire of raping me had me really disturbed. i remember this one time when he also sort of just kept pushing my head during oral. i had this fear he'd just take full control and do things 10x worse if we were to play out his fantasy.

 

my biggest fear was that the safety word would be futile - that'd he'd still continue despite my desire to stop, and that he'd really rape me. so this means the underlying issue is trust? i can't even sort out what it is i'm truly feeling. i do know that most of the disappointment falls on myself because i didn't have enough courage to stop what i was uncomfortable with in this relationship. why i was with him for so long, i don't know, and i feel so regretful about this too.

 

i don't want to assume the same with other guys, but i can't help but maybe wonder if that's all men are really in for. the few guys who showed interest in me as of late seemed to be too touchy and asked me about sex when they barely knew me.

[Oneironaut]

When it comes to sexuality, "normal" is extremely subjective. Some people think in very "black and white" terms, and they would say yes, a rape fantasy is abnormal and wrong. However, I am not one of those people. As greywolf said, my boyfriend and I talk that way to each other all the time, it's just the way we are. It turns us both on, and we're both consenting adults, so, where is the problem? The answer is that there is none, for us.

 

If you were uncomfortable with it, then that is the problem. Learn from this situation, and in the future, be sure and speak up about your own sexual preferences. If a guy doesn't like it and isn't willing to adapt, then he's not worth your time, period. But the first step is making YOUR needs and desires known.

 

Good luck.

[alli]

I think the biggest thing that you need to take from this is to learn to stand up for yourself, even when you want to make him happy. I'm seriously guilty of exactly the same thing. Not the rape fantasy thing, but doing things for a guy that kind of tick me off later. Like, being the one putting in all of the effort, paying for nearly everything, doing almost all the housework myself without expecting him to ever help out financially or keep up the house. Not even his 50%. Then, they expect that you'll do their share down the road because heck, you've done it all along, why would you stop now? It's the same thing. You said yourself that you were uncomfortable with the idea. You didn't want to displease him so you didn't tell him no, but then you just got pissed at him later for his weirdo ideas.

 

You'll probably do it again with the next guy unless you actively force yourself not to. Again, maybe not necessarily in the sexual sense, but you'll want to bend over backwards for the guy because you're so into him. Until the weight forces you to a stop and makes you bitter to him for expecting it. I'm the type of person who puts 110% into almost everything I do, at work and in my own life. But I don't expect nearly that much out of everyone else. Do you think you're like that too? If not, maybe it's just when it comes to guys you're dating. You just need to remember yourself, your feelings and what you can handle. Pace yourself. You can always add more but it's not so easy to take away.

[legsoverlover]

My ex used to tell me all the time... you can't rape the willing. She also made a mention to me once that all women have a secret fantasy of getting raped, even if they don't actually want it to happen to them. Quite honestly, as a guy, I've never really fantasized about actually raping someone (though my ex and I did "rape" each other all the time! Again... can't rape the willing!).

 

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much. You got yourself out of what sounds like a bad situation, and moved on from it. Let it go on your own terms, just realize that you were strong enough to get out and no longer have to feel uncomfortable from him!

[BlueMilk]

'Consensual rape' is considered the number one fantasy for women.

 

Please, please, please don't feel disgusted by these feelings. You said in the beginning it turned you on, but his methods were far too fast, too quick and too insistent (maybe he didn't check in with you enough to be sure you're okay with it, maybe he did but you were so creeped out by your desires that you immediately shut him down.)

 

He has very clear and safe ideas on how to do it (ensuring there is a 'safe' word being the main one, so you can stop it at any time - which ensures that this is less rape and more consensual.) When playing with BDSM and rough play, clear boundaries are a MUST. You HAVE to define what is acceptable and what isn't before you even get to bed.

 

As I read your posts, it sounded less that you were disgusted by his kink (as you kept insisting you did initially felt some attraction to the idea) and more that you were disgusted by his habit of only calling you when he needed to jerk off, which meant he was taking you for granted, which meant his rape fantasies were less about you and more about any woman wanting to experience it with him. Is this the case?