Friends getting tired of me not taking break up well

[davedave]

I will try to keep this simple without too much of a story.

 

My friends are getting tired of me not dealing with my break up well. I KNOW I am not taking good care of myself, but I have that broken feeling, the powerless, lifeless, everything is pointless outlook that is VERY strong.

 

I have never been able to keep my composure with breakups - I havent had many serious relationships and each time it ends, I seem to take longer than others to heal..... (Perhaps that is why I dont get into relationships often?)

 

I am getting into therapy but I still seem to not make good choices, and as a result people are gravitating away from me.

 

Any input on not burning my friends out?

 

Replies appreciated.....

[rkw]

Write down any complaints, questions, rants or sadness about your relationship on here, rather than tell your friends. People here are either here because they are in a similar situation as you or they have been before and want to help. I found having ENA as an outlet really helped me not overwhelm my friends, who, unless they've been there have no idea what it feels like or what to say.

[tresqua]

Some people heal faster than others. How long were you together and how long has it been since she dumped you?

[davedave]

rkw - I just discovered this site and have posted in a thread of letters not to be sent. I predict more posts in there from me soon

 

tresqua - It was a rocky 3 years, it ended in mutual frustration over things we both did (short version). Periods of NC over the past 6 months but I get overwhelmed and break NC. Her messages over past 4 months have been firm she is not interested in reconciliation.

 

If it is as simple as "some heal faster than others", does this imply I do not have some sort of deep character/developmental/psychological problem, and it's simply human? I mean, if that were true, I would feel so relieved that I am not nuts...

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much, both of you....

[tresqua]

6 months is not a long time to recover from a 3 year relationship. I've read stories where people are seemingly devastated a year after a relationship that wasn't much more than a year in duration, I've read stories where people still haven't moved on as much as 5 years after a breakup. As you already know, those periods of breaking NC are setting you back, you gotta really work on that.

[davedave]

thank you for the perspective.

[LAYAAN]

For every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to heal up. I was in a 3 yr rocky relationship, I took 1.25 years to heal, went through major depression, but came out of it.

[dramallama]

Try writing in a journal and use your friends and family to distract you. Enjoy spending time with them and take initiative to do things with them.

[hausser]

For every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to heal up. I was in a 3 yr rocky relationship, I took 1.25 years to heal, went through major depression, but came out of it.

 

Interesting!

[Blue Skittles]

The healing process can be very difficult. I remember going through some bad relationships and bad breakups and ended up pushing friends away in the past. The one thing I did learn, was that in the end, only YOU can heal yourself. Your friends can be a support, but don't use them as a punching bag. The best way to treat a supportive friend is to show that you enjoy spending time with them and that it IS helping you feel better.

 

I just went through a break-up two weeks ago, and I'm very surprised at how well I am taking it. It was very difficult, we were in the middle of moving in together, and it came as a surprise. My friends came to my rescue, bought me some red wine, took me out on my birthday, etc. And instead of sitting there crying and moping about it, I just enjoyed their company and in the end they are proud of me for being so strong. I feel a lot better than I would if I were sitting around crying about this jerk. I know it takes a lot of will-power to pick yourself up and get on with life, but you can do it! Do things you like to do. I have been spending time with friends, reading a good book, keeping myself busy, went for a pedicure, went shopping and have now booked a vacation in Europe for the summer. When you force yourself into positivity, you feel so much better... give it a try

[ladyninja30]

For every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to heal up. I was in a 3 yr rocky relationship, I took 1.25 years to heal, went through major depression, but came out of it.

 

this is an interesting perspective. I've heard that as much time as you were in that relationship, it takes that amount of time to heal..so if you were in a relationship for 8 years or so then you may not fully heal for a full 8 years.

[KittyBoo]

I face the same problem OP. I only have two or three close friends that I feel comfortable enough to bare my soul to and they don't understand why I even still think about him (it's been 19 months since the break up). I have managed to find an excellent therapist so I know now that I have an outlet to vent all my frustrations and a professional who will help me move forward and let go of the past.

 

Healing is an active process and although I admit that my journey has been a long one, I am even getting to the point of saying enough is enough now and want to find ways to put it behind me and stop dwelling on it. Like other posters have said, when you want to talk about it, come here and talk to others who can give you feedback and tell you what it was that helped them. You might read something that clicks and helps you to heal faster.

 

I think it gets harder with each break up because we know what is coming as far as the pain and healing go. But also, if we never completely healed from the previous break up then it compounds each time we go through it so it feels much worse than the last time. I am starting to realize that I need to focus more on myself and building a fulfilling life so that if I have someone to share it with then that will be an added bonus but that going through a break up does not have to be such a difficult thing if I still have my own wonderful single life to fall back on. And that kind of confidence may be what helps you to attract the right person to you.

[LAYAAN]

this is an interesting perspective. I've heard that as much time as you were in that relationship, it takes that amount of time to heal..so if you were in a relationship for 8 years or so then you may not fully heal for a full 8 years.

Its not the figure I came up with. Its what Steve Santagati writes in his book "The Manual". When I look at my relationships I agree with the statistic. Ofcourse its not set in stone. Its only a standard, nothing is set in stone, people heal up at different rates.

[MakeItCount]

For every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to heal up. I was in a 3 yr rocky relationship, I took 1.25 years to heal, went through major depression, but came out of it.

 

this is pure crap. People take longer or shorter to heal. Different strokes for different folks. Op, journaling works well

[tresqua]

this is pure crap. People take longer or shorter to heal. Different strokes for different folks. Op, journaling works well

 

I don't know that it's crap,but it sure is a generalization with no basis in fact.

 

Seems like it might be more accurate for shorter relationships.

 

Following that rule which basically says figure a third of the relationship time to heal, a 30 year marriage would take 10 years to recover.

 

Of course the generalization includes the disclaimer that it can take "up to" that long, so that makes it correct even if it takes only a week to heal, for example.

[ChellyV]

Try writing in a journal and use your friends and family to distract you. Enjoy spending time with them and take initiative to do things with them.

 

Yes, start journaling. This is the way I did mine and it helped. Also, try to volunteer to campus or church activities. Read books, take a walk.

Do not worry, you will get to the healing as you did with your past boyfriends.

[rkw]

Writing letters to him and not sending them worked really well for me, I bet journaling might be just as helpful. Sometimes just puting your thoughts down is enough to get through the next day. Also, don't put yourself on or listen to any healing timelines, just work actively towards it and do it on your own time.

[dolorosa]

Dave, I Know how you feeling. I always believe I was very strong but every situation is different. You are not nuts, for me is very difficult to talk to people, always want to look like the strong person, people come to me to ask for help, I feel like I will let people down if I reach for help, that is why I came here. The journal is a great idea, I feel much better now after two months but still a long way to go. Hope this helps, try to stay happy

[lavenderdove]

People just get sick of hearing the same old thing. You want to go over and over it in a way like working a splinter out, but to them, they don't have the emotion attached and it gets tiresome and boring for them if you want to rehash the same old thing or behave erratically due to your emotions. After a while, they just lose patience, and that is your cue to take your healing elsewhere (to a counselor) or to only agree to see/talk to them when you are ready to NOT talk about the breakup and instead do other things and talk about other things.

 

So the easiest way to fix this is to just make a pact with yourself to stop talking about it with them. Write about the breakup here on these boards and talk to your therapist about it, but when you see your friends, see them for fun events or to talk about other things. When they realize you're not going to be a downer or constantly talk abuot it, they will want to see you again.

 

You really can't expect your friends to be an on-call therapy service, so don't treat them like that, and they will want to see you again. You will also feel better if you stop constantly talking about it with them. Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it.

[Carus]

It actually works out ok....Talking about your breakup is therapeautic and nessecary...but so is not talking it about it and making firm actions to start moving your life forward again...

 

So come here to vent and start working on not talking about it to those that dont want to know....

 

Our friends care about us for sure and a lot of the time they just really dont know what to say...*

If it is as simple as "some heal faster than others", does this imply I do not have some sort of deep character/developmental/psychological problem, and it's simply human? I mean, if that were true, I would feel so relieved that I am not nuts...

You are not nuts....It's all totally normal.

 

I am 2 years out and still rebuilding my life which was trashed and ripped out from under me.

 

Some of the issues that make us suffer so badly are Abandonment and Co-Dependency....also the 'addiction' that is the other person...

 

These issues are mainly imbedded in our subconscience and our core and stem back to our formative years. This is why some heal faster than others....See what you can find out about that....

 

All the best Bud*

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Good Arms]

For every 3 months you spend in a relationship, it takes 1 month to heal up.

 

Seriously, any formula like that is pure bunkum. Everybody's circumstances are different, everyone heals at a different rate.

[twistedfate]

This is great advice. I was trying not to go to my best friend of nearly 15 years about my breakup, but she's my best friend and I thought she'd be there to help. She got tired of hearing about him, and just wanted the "old me" back. Last night, before we went to a gathering with all our other friends, she EXPLODED on me about how I'm making everyone uncomfortable and basically belittled me in a public store about how pathetic the last month has been since my BU.

 

Not that I AT ALL condone her lack of tact in telling me my friends were tired of hearing about it, but it made me realize I exhausted them with everything. I talk to my parents, and they're willing to listen... but I've realized maybe I need to return to therapy to work things out. I haven't been since the BU and that person is PAID to listen to it... and trained to offer advice.

 

You CAN and WILL burn your friends out. And they're the last people you wanna push away.