Insecurity and changing

[eharmon07]

A little over a week and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me and kicked me out of his house. He said he was done and didn't want to put up with the drama anymore. Over the past couple months I have been going through a rough time in dealing with trusting him. I have invaded his privacy by sneaking and going through his phone and going through his email. I have never found anything to worry about, but yet I still do it. I always tell him when I do. And I always tell him I will change and I will stop, but a few weeks go by and I do it again. Each time, though, it is like the time between doing it again gets longer and longer. I have been cheated on before and I guess that I was scared that I wasn't good enough. Now that it is said and done, I swear this time that I do not want to do it anymore. I feel that being insecure is not worth losing him over. I do love him and trust him, but it is a very hard situation to describe. I feel that if he and I were to get back together then all I would have to do is to tell myself I will lose him if I do it again and that will be enough, and eventually it will just come naturally not to snoop through his phone and email. He and I have been through a lot together. Neither one of us were looking for relationships but it just sort of happened when we met. I was in my final year of college, and my parents had a hard time accepting him, but he worked very hard and now my parents like him a lot. Even my mom has told me numerous times that if I dont begin to trust him I will lose him. I graduated college, and through all this he has a three year old son he was fighting for full custody with, which he did get back in the end of January, and his son has been living with us since. I have grown very close with his son, and it also hurts to lose him. My ex is very level headed and also is thinking about how unhealthy it is for his son to be around our fighting and negativity. Also, back at the end of April, he got laid off, and then I was laid off 2 days before the split. We were working for the same research facility.

 

I have tried to talk to him and tell him how serious I really am this time, but now he just says he is trying to get his life back on track, and he does not want to think about us right now. He says he just wants us to be friends right now. He does love me a lot, and has told many people that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, and I treat him better than any other woman he has ever been with. Well, that is until I started to be insecure. His father has even came to me and told me that my ex has mentioned marrying me to him before which he has never done with any other woman. My ex just says a lot of the reasons we fell in love are gone. I guess what I am really asking is how do I prove to him that I am changing and I am ready to change. I am trying to give him space and I am trying to get my own life back because I have lost touch with a lot of my friends. And how do I prove to him that the person he fell in love with is still there. That I never left, I just let my insecurities get the best of me.

 

Please nothing negative. I know what I was doing was wrong. I realize now I would not want anyone to invade the privacy that I had. I know there are things that people probably say or tell him that is perhaps none of my business. I do not need anyone to be hurtful to me. I am already in enough pain right now losing the man I love and his child that I treated as if he were my own.

[KittyBoo]

I think everything is still very fresh and you are going to have to give him some space if you want him to realize what he is missing. I imagine a person can only take so much before they have had enough. You told him over and over that you would stop invading his privacy but didn't so you can see why he would not believe that things will change.

 

I know this will break you heart to do but perhaps you should send him a message that you will not have contact with him for 30 or 60 days in order to give him time to reflect. Then after that time is up, you should ask to meet him to discuss if there is any chance for reconciliation. He may even contact you before that time if he misses you and wants to work it out. Offer to go to counselling if you get back together but more importantly, you should start counselling for yourself right away. Because if you don't deal with the issues that are causing your insecurities, you will repeat the pattern and may end up driving away possible partners who will also be turned off by this kind of behavior.

 

Good luck to you.

[alli]

I realize you can't nor should you write the entire synopsis of your relationship in one forum posting, but I find it surprising that he would call snooping through his phone & email a few times "drama" and break up with you over it. If I were him I think I would have just changed my email password & password protected my phone so it wasn't even possible for you to give in to the temptation.

 

I have a feeling there were some other things he considered drama as well that contributed to his decision to end the relationship. Relationships are tough sometimes. Just listen to your friends, family, and some of the advice you get here, learn the mistakes you made and also accept that relationships are a two way street. Very rarely is it entirely the fault of one person that they end.