broken hearts on both sides after 10 months

[crosby4life87]

I need advice cause its a ufc fight between my head n heart. My gf n i were dating for 10 months... i was roomates with my brother. He has helped me when i had nothing (food place to stay etc..) i now have a great job pays well, ihe bought a house n we needed to make it livable , fix the bedrooms paint everything before the furniture , clean carpets fix sink remove paneling and put up drywall,. all of this had to be done in 3 weeks due to land lord... well gf took it as i wasnt paying attention to her , i wasnt telling her shes pretyy , i wasnt getting her flowers , and i wasnt making her #1 priority... i still dont get the whole meaning of priority with her cause she contradicts herself sometimes. i admit for a min i wasnt giving the most attention i could (b4 the house also) but i would spend every day off with her... she wanted 1 day and on those days i would run a check to b deposited for my brother due to his work schedule takes 15 min tops , she would say i put her on the back burner (i dont get it) i show up @ her house @ 2pm she says i blew her off because i went to the gym b4 i came to her.. b4 the house i did everything i could to make her happy then when the attention wasnt on her she started introducing a 3rd party... well i broke up with her one day cause i feltshe didnt love me , she demanded me to come back the reason cause i should not cause she loves me and nothing else matters... she tried finding me i shut my fone off and talked toi her 3 days later... she was already hanging out with another guy that gives her the self worthiness treatment that i didnt , i told her why i did what i did and i still love her she has my heart and im empty without her, she confused and she says (her mom abandoned her when young) that no one hurt her as bad as i did besides her mom. (which i think is just pride) but i didnt cheat, lie, steal, manipul;ate, give ultimatums nothing like that... she says this guy makes her happy but hes not me.. and she cries heavily wishing i would do thos things ... i started getting her flowers one day as a surpeise with a letter and left it @ her house... she acts cold.. acknowledges my effort but brushes it away.. she told me she hangs with this guy everyday cause he makes her a priority...but that nmeans he has nothing going for him if he has sooo much time. she stil;l loves me but says she cant risk getting hurt again.. but i need to move out , and make her #1 opriority... shes 23 im 30... idk what to do cause this is the first time i felt something so real b4 the split... my heart hurts and my body is hollow .. im a zombie without a head with out her .... she says she dont know what to do...any advice... n e effort i give doesnt seem acknowledged n e more...

[Vaimahina]

Your story sounds a lot like mine, except I was the one demanding more time and attention because he's been really busy setting up a new business (I've had to share my time with him with a new Music School and 2 bands, rehearsals, etc). I don't know if she was doing the same as I , but since I was so unhappy I started picking at him for the slightest things and was generally * * * * * y threatening to walk out every week or so. Well the last time I threatened and walked he didn't want me back. I realized my mistake and begging him (no dignity after that! really begged) until I think he took me back out of pity pity (so that's where we REALLY differ). What I can tell you is that I am absolutely heartbroken and told him I would do anything to be back together with him, that I love him just the way he is and wouldn't change a thing--as much as it hurts me to be in the "backburner" I realize he gives me what little time he's got and that as long as he loves me and I know that, I don't care about anything else, that I realized it was my fault for blaming all my unhappiness on just him, that I need to be more independent, bla, bla, bla in short everything I learned from this very painful experience. I'd never been as hurt by anyone else as much before either (except by my dad who'd abandoned my sister and I when we were kids). Now all I can tell you is that no matter what he'd done or how scared of being hurt I can be, I definitely won't be hanging out with anybody else, no matter how much they pampered me, anytime soon. If he had shown me the love you have shown her I would be back there in one minute (we are actually still together, but the breakup is imminent--I cried all night while he slept like a baby and when I asked for a cuddle in the morning he sat all the way at the other end of the bed--said he needed time to sort things through--I'd give him space except we live together and I've really nowhere to go--well, I'm going to my sisters, its a long holiday here)Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if she really really loved you she would be with you, she would have gone back to you way earlier. Her reactions as you describe them tell me she's not really sure about really loving you and also that she's a little bit into herself in the sense that she prefers someone's attention and company instead of true love with you. That's what I think; I mean if she's still in love with you and is with somebody else because he pampers her, that's messed up, and it isn't fair to the other guy either. We also have a 7+ year difference with my guy and I think she may not be ready to understand the problems and time needs etc. of someone who has the kinds of responsibilities you have. Anyway, when you really love someone, truly, and that other person really loves you back, nothing, NOTHING would keep you apart. If things are as they are after 10 months then maybe (as harsh as it sounds and I hate to say this because I'm really waiting for a miracle here) it wasn't meant to be and maybe at some point you will love again, differently, but again and maybe that next time she will be more understanding and you both might be happier. I know it virtually seems impossible right now when you are still in love with someone who's not with you, but you will survive, and you will surely fall in love again even if it takes you a while. I know how you feel--I feel like someone I really love died except its worse because he's still alive and there, but just out of my life. Its awful. Anyway, I read a great post with recommendations on how to get over someone last night at 4 am! It's on this same site (won't let me post so "enotalone..." followed by): /forum/showthread.php?t=377891&page=1. Good luck anyways. I'm still hanging in there as hoping there will be a miracle that my case is different from others, bla, bla, bla, yep, denial stage--I know my guy really, really loved me once (he designed a flag to represent our love once and I sewed it for us). Its just really hard and when you feel down, try and distract yourself and don't torture yourself in the head thinking about things that can only hurt you. Be strong!

[crosby4life87]

*** Thank you for helping me understand what i have been thinking to myself , i know shes young and she says hes not me ,that refers to the companionship we had. the little things i can do but she has to change also and she doesnt see anything wrong in her aspect, thank you again for making my t houghts easier... i wish you the best