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My boyfriend is the "nice guy"


stumpedgf

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years and for the past year my boyfriend brings up that he thinks I'm not attracted to him. Let me say I love my boyfriend but having him ask me this question is making me question whether or not I am in love with him. I've been reading some posts and I'm finding girls aren't attracted to "nice guys" which is what he is. He puts me on a pedistol (not sure how to spell it) and would do whatever I wanted. He also asks permission to do things. Originally I thought this was great but now I'm coming to realize its the problem. He is also a people pleaser and refuses to stand up for himself. I would rather work this out with my boyfriend but is this sort of change possible? Thanks!

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So, let’s examine the contrary instance.

 

You’d prefer that he was indifferent, discourteous, callous, smug, and vain.

 

You’ll have a better appreciation of your boyfriend if you dumped him, and fell into the clutches of a man exuding these malodourous tendencies.

 

FYI to all the women facing similar difficulties:

 

A dominant personality masks a grossly insubstantial interior, and dominance is a sign of weakness; a confident personality doesn’t need to quell the room with its presence.

 

Courtesy, empathy, and fidelity, are subsets of the Golden Rule that makes life on Earth enjoyable for all its inhabitants.

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He is also a people pleaser and refuses to stand up for himself. I would rather work this out with my boyfriend but is this sort of change possible? Thanks!

 

It's generally my experience that the women who complain about this behavior are just as guilty of it themselves.

 

Having said that, can you give specific examples of what you're referring to?

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I feel as though the responses I'm getting, although appreciated, are almost mocking me in a sense. I cannot help the way I feel, I would obviously not prefer a jerk but in a sense have more of a backbone and "alpha male" behavior. I am wondering if such change is possible and I have also brought this up to him.

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Well I am not trying to mock you at all. I actually know exactly what you mean. You don't want a guy who is a complete push over or.. "loserish". I think that is what people mean when they say "nice guy". Honestly a lot of guys who label themselves as nice guys turn out to be depressive, very low self esteem, or jerks.

 

I don't think that is what you mean about your guy though. I know you like him but I was wondering if you like his personality in general or if you feel proud to have him as your boyfriend. Nobody, men and women included, want to always be in the driver's seat and feel like they are leading around their SO.

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I feel as though the responses I'm getting, although appreciated, are almost mocking me in a sense. I cannot help the way I feel, I would obviously not prefer a jerk but in a sense have more of a backbone and "alpha male" behavior. I am wondering if such change is possible and I have also brought this up to him.

 

 

No one is mocking you, but the question does seem nebulous.

 

How about appreciating him for being a well-principled human being? Value him for being a good person with strong values.

 

By his behaviour, he values you dearly.

 

I hate to burst too many bubbles, but if you’ve found someone who values you, this is as good as life gets.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years and for the past year my boyfriend brings up that he thinks I'm not attracted to him........!

 

Four and a half years and he's only been feeling this way for a year?

 

Either you havent been picking up on the fact that he has always felt like this, or he is being given a reason to feel this way. Whether that reason is coming from you, or from him is what you need to determine. However, your second sentence... Let me say I love my boyfriend but having him ask me this question is making me question whether or not I am in love with him.

 

..says a lot about your own, current mindset. If you are feeling this way after 4.5 years, then either he is changing, or you are changing..and like I said above, you need to find out what's really happening here. You fell in love with him, and I highly doubt that he is a different person today than he was when you met him, but of course you might be looking ahead and these things that he's always done might secretly be irritating your gut as you look to your future together.

 

Something is definitely amiss here if he feels that you dont find him attractive anymore, and even moreso if you are actually questioning if you love him or not. You really owe it to yourself, and to him, to find out just exactly where you stand with your feelings for him, and why he feels this way.

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I still don't understand how we get so low in a society that we classify a genuinely "nice guy" as being a problem. I just don't understand that at all.

 

Op, you've been with this guy for 4.5 years, wasn't this a problem when you first met him? Him trying to please you and make you happy all the time? I guess it was good enough then for you but now all of sudden it's an issue. So would you prefer someone who is the opposite of the qualities you mentioned in your guy? It doesn't get any better than that, so you better be thankful for what you have.

 

It's just puzzling to me and to a lot of people here because honestly it's just sort of stupid. I'm sorry. You have a stable situation with a guy who sounds like he'd do anything in the world for you and you'd rather your "alpha-male" or "bad-boy." This sounds like an issue that perhaps you need to overcome and I don't think that it's him. You've been with him for almost 5 years. I'm sure he didn't become this overnight.

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I feel as though the responses I'm getting, although appreciated, are almost mocking me in a sense. I cannot help the way I feel, I would obviously not prefer a jerk but in a sense have more of a backbone and "alpha male" behavior. I am wondering if such change is possible and I have also brought this up to him.

 

Can you provide specific examples where he didn't display "backbone"?

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His friends walk all over him and take advantage of him and his parents will have the most ridiculous requests of him and although I do feel you should respect your parents I think that comes to an extent and he will literally do whatever they want just to please them. He also never says his point of view for fear of causing a fight

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There is a difference between "the nice guy" and "the insecure guy" and, like most self-professed nice guys, your boyfriend sounds more like the insecure guy. A person who never stands up for himself or seems to have no interests or opinions usually just doesn't have the confidence to express himself. That's not being nice, that's just being a wuss. Have you ever asked him why he never stands up for himself? Have you asked why he thinks you don't love him? Or why he has no hobbies of his own other than centering his entire life around you? I really think this is just a matter of communication...try to figure out why his self esteem is so low by asking him these questions and take it from there. His answers to your questions will point you guys in the right direction.

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I know how you feel. Regardless of what the "logical" thing is to feel or how wrong it seems to others, you can't just change how you feel because of what society says is right or wrong. You can't make yourself become attracted to him because everyone tells you it's the right thing to do.

 

Honestly though, I think this type of thing is part of his personality, and personality is ingrained. He might change a bit over time, be it with more of a backbone or even become more of a doormat. But that's all about life experiences, not what you WANT him to be, regardless of how much he wants to please you. You can try to remember the other things that made him attractive to you in the first place but his backbone will probably never be one of those things.

 

In all honesty I really don't know how people live with the expectation and intent of meeting and staying with one partner their entire lives. I know in 50% of cases (in the US) that's not what happens, but no one gets married planning to get a divorce.

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There is a difference between "the nice guy" and "the insecure guy" and, like most self-professed nice guys, your boyfriend sounds more like the insecure guy. A person who never stands up for himself or seems to have no interests or opinions usually just doesn't have the confidence to express himself. That's not being nice, that's just being a wuss. Have you ever asked him why he never stands up for himself? Have you asked why he thinks you don't love him? Or why he has no hobbies of his own other than centering his entire life around you? I really think this is just a matter of communication...try to figure out why his self esteem is so low by asking him these questions and take it from there. His answers to your questions will point you guys in the right direction.

 

Exactly this.

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Insecurity and the need for approval and validation is always unattractive so I can see where the OP is coming from.

 

Human behaviour is integrative, fear-based, and institutions have been created for persons who deviate from this standard: jail.

 

What? Someone initiates and maintains a relationship to be rejected and invalidated?

Again, this is another proof by contradiction. There is no aspect of the human condition that isn’t motivated by insecurity and a need for approval.

 

Human beings will experience moments of neediness, depression, sadness, and insecurity, as they constitute a portion of the panoply of emotions.

 

This might be a galling concept to some, but men are subject to the same emotions as women.

 

Disavowing your partner’s emotions charts your life’s outcome; you will be alone.

 

Basing your exceptions of people on a puerile standard will leave you similarly placed.

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I'm not sure where you get the idea that confidence = arrogance. There is a medium between insecurity and being arrogant, THAT equals confidence.

 

I agree that there's a medium, but I believe that "confidence" is used as a code-word. "Old-fashioned gender roles for thee, but not for me." You're just polite and call it "confidence" or "backbone" instead of saying "protector" or "real man."

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There's a careful balance between the two. Being nice but not a pushover. Being confident but not arrogant. Everyone has different preferences and different perceptions. Who wouldn't want a guy that is both nice and confident!

 

It also depends on past history. If this is someone you've dated for years and you see them as a pushover, it will seem like a silly reason to be unhappy from the perspective of a person who was in a violent, abusive relationship.

 

Just as people in the US might feel very financially strained. But if a person saw how the majority of people in this world lived and then walked into that person's home, they'd say that they're doing fairly well. This is coming from someone who gave a small box of crayons to a kid in Afghanistan and started a mob where I could barely shut the door to my vehicle. At the same token, I'm looking to purchase a car that costs over $10,000, which seems crazy to someone who doesn't have access to clean water.

 

Not taking something for granted is a good thing, but really it all stems from previous experience which contributes to one's current perspective. I see no reason to judge one person's desires and perspective when you're only basing your opinion on your own.

 

My thoughts aren't aimed at any poster above. I'm not even paying attention to who says what. Just my take on things. Based on my experience, of course.

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