Bringing up a parenting issue with the ex

[annony]

my ex is very adversarial. He likes to turn everything into a fight, and needs someone (other than himself) to blame for everything that happens.

We share two kids. Lately some issues with our 4 year old daughter have been arising, and I'm not sure how to address them without starting a fight.

-I thought I was giving my kids a big treat by taking them to McDonalds. It would have been the first time I had taken them in over a year to have fast food. Turns out that they already own all of the happy meal toys, and they are only with their dad part time. Both of my children know how to order chicken nuggets, and don't know how to tie their shoes. I think my ex takes them for fast food too much, but I have been too scared to say anything because he turns it around and yells at me.

-I was having a hard time to get her to eat, and in a moment of frustration, I asked her "How does your daddy get you to eat?" her answer "Daddy just gives me a peanut butter sandwich instead."

-My ex says that my daughter is having self-esteem issues, and implied that this is my fault. I have not noticed. At my house she is outgoing, and there are lots of hugs and "i love you"s all around. She has no problem making friends at the park. She comes home to my house saying "----(ex new girlfriend) yells" "-----(exes new step son) hits me" I think her self esteem issues that he is seeing on his end are related to the demeaning way in which he talks to people, and the fact that she now has to live with a jealous step brother. Not that it's any of my buisiness, but all of my interactions with the step-son have shown him to be hyperactive and violent.

-My ex says that she gets tired faster than the other kids, and that she has an energy deficiency. He has also noticed that she is not co-ordinated and seems to lack muscle strength in her legs. I too noticed that she is clumsy, but I am also clumsy. I think part of this is genetic, and part of it is due to the poor diet I h ave observed on his end

-He says she does not stick up for herself in a fight, and she "just takes it". He wants me to work on her "being tougher". She is doing what I taught her is right, "when somebody hits you, don't hit back, walk away and tell an adult" He says when the step-son fights he, she should fight back, and that will make him stop beating her up. I disagree, I think they need to find a better way of preventing the boy from beating her up.

 

I am scared to death of bringing up my view point on these things, as he will start a huge fight.

[lukeb]

You made these kids with this guy so you are stuck with him until your kids are grown up. Pick the battles you think you can win is all I can suggest.

[annony]

the thing is, I can't win any battle, and HE is raising the issues. I agree that they are problems, but he is trying to blame me, when really, he has ownership in this as well.

[misguided angel]

hi

 

as a dad of 3 kids 2 boys 5 and 4 plus 1 daughter of 18 months, let me tell you from a guys perspective.

 

-i take my kids to mcdonalds about once a month as a treat on the way home from the museum or zoo or park or wherever they want to go, i wouldn't take them if i thought they would stay awake until we get home so sometimes giving them fast food is part of an outing, so i wouldn't make to big an issue of it unless he is just lazy and wont cook.

 

-when i make my kids pie and potatoes and veg but then give them some bread and butter with it, when they go home and mum asks what did you have for dinner they say bread and butter. also when i call them everynight just after dinner i always ask them what they had for dinner and most of the time they say an apple or nothing or i can't remmember, but i know they had a decent meal because i know my ex wouldn't just give them an apple. so i would check with her and try to find out if this is true because a sandwich is not dinner.

-you both are resposible for tackling any self esteem issues not just one of you, if your daughter won a medal or was in a play you would both want to see it and be part of it, so anything negative you both need to tackle.

-i am currently single but if i had a new partner and her son was hitting my daughter i would bring it up with her not my ex, i would tell my ex i was trying to sort it, how old is the step son because if he is the same age as your daughter it may just be playful and not aggressive if that makes any sense.

-when i have my kids, the friday night they always stay up a little later as i have not seen them for nearly 2 weeks and after all the hugs, kisses, dinner, bath and playing, i always let the boys watch a dvd with me or we play ps3 games together. on staurdays we then all go out to do something and by the time they have a bath on sat night they are falling asleep but i know it's because of the previous 24hrs of fun they have had and come to think of it i'm pretty tired by then aswell, so i would be careful about him labelling your daughter as having an energy problem, maybe the excitement of being with her dad tires her out

-my 18 month old daughter sticks up for herself but my boys wouldn't if they were in a fight, they would ask thier baby sister to help them, some kids like to fight whilst some kids don't, the world would be pretty boring if all children acted the same way.

 

i don't know your ex or the reason for your'e split, but it sounds like he wants you to sort everything out and it also sounds like he wants their to be something midically wrong with your daughter, or perhaps he is just to lazy and wants an reason for it to be your fault.

 

sorry for the long reply

[charity]

for now i would forget about the mc donalds thing. i think the low self esteem/being scared of step brother is more worrying. if it was me, i would tell him that you observed her for a couple of weeks and that there is no low self esteem issues at home. that she seems comfortable and content. ask why she could be feeling this way in his house, does he think she could be scared of step brother for instance?.' don't ask in an attack way, rather in a ' lets figure this out' way. he may deny it to you but you can be sure that he will be more observant at home and will watch the boy more. in regards to the hitting, its not up to a 4 year old to protect herself from a boy who's hitting her. its the adults job. her father and his mother. just tell him that. i know easier said then done but really you have to stick up for your kid here.