somethngwrng Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I have been dating a girl for 3 months now and she has grown to expect far too much from me. Up until now it's like I've been giving her absolutely everything I have to give - including 24/7 contact. I have a good job which I have been excelling at for the first year and a half that I have worked here. The company has been more than generous with pay rises based on my increased experience and responsibility. When I met her 3 months ago, I made the mistake of allowing her to talk to me on Gmail all day while I am at work. At first this didn't cause too many issues and I got my work done. But as time goes on we have started to have less to talk about in general due to the 24/7 contact and simply running out of things to talk about. Yesterday I had a one on one with my manager to discuss my future within the company and at one point he noted "lately you have seemed 'absent' from work, you seem withdrawn. Are there any issues in your life right now, we can provide counselling". Of course I don't wish to discuss my personal life with my manager so I just said no. I didn't really respond to my girlfriend on Gmail for the rest of the day as I felt so bad about it. When I got home I had a discussion with her where I was very polite and honest about the fact I can't continue to give her 24/7 attention. I also mentioned I didn't think having 24/7 contact was healthy, as lately she's been starting a lot of fights with me. She seems to start fights whenever we don't have anything to talk about and I go "quiet" since I simply have nothing to say. We slept together last night but it was the first night we have ever slept together and not had sex. She keeps saying things feel "different". I asked her if she still wants to be with me and she said yes, told me she loves me and a few other things. But in general she has been quite cold (the no sex thing was really weird, she is usually very horny). I don't know what to do or whether this can work when her expectations are so high. It's making me very insecure. My social life is suffering and if I lay another blow on her and say that I need to spend some time with friends I'm scared she will break up with me. I love her very much. She is the first girlfriend I've had in many years and I also have never felt such a connection with anyone.
Tryptophan Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 You're right about what you're saying, it isn't healthy. Too much contact just becomes really toxic and as much as people say communication is good, too much can hurt it. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. And how much quality are you really getting if you're talking about so much that you run out of things to talk about. I think you should tell her that it's because of work, be honest with her, and say that your boss noticed that you're chatting away at work and called your attention (offered counseling). You wouldn't really be lying. It's also common for the sex thing to happen with women. They'll be really horny at the beginning and then at the three month mark, it will kind of slow down. You might want to try different things with her to keep her happy. I'm the same way, I get bored of the same position/same type of sex really easily especially when I'm getting too much of the same thing too often.
mouseno4 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Wow first I ever hear of a girl wanting sex literally every night. I thought only guys could or would want that. Also a girl who wants contact ever minute of every day will literally destroy your life.
-Sanguine- Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Wow first I ever hear of a girl wanting sex literally every night. You don't know enough girls! LOL. But I do agree. You can't contact someone every minute. That's a communication overload.
mouseno4 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I mean every day without fail for 3 months. That's like 90 days straight. I highly doubt even I could manage that. Second job more like it. Sex is meant to be pleasureable, not a house hold chore. 3-5 times a week is more than enough for me. Any more than that and the desire for it would drop faster than a stiffy. I guess that is where the word nymphosomething came from.
somethngwrng Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 You don't know enough girls! LOL. But I do agree. You can't contact someone every minute. That's a communication overload. It's very frustrating and I wish she could see it from my side. She told me it feels like I am taking the first step to breaking up with her. Honestly I am doing this for both my work and to make our relationship more healthy. I told her it's not like I am off at work "having fun", I am there to get a job done and I have not been doing it as effectively as I'd like to lately. For the past few weeks I have been able to expect her behaviour and I really think it's due to the excessive contact. We will have a fight, resolve our differences, there will be 2-3 days where she is loving and we have LOTS of sex. Then on the 4th day she will unleash on me and start another argument. I can't take that. I don't want to be without her, but I don't want to be in a relationship like that. It's tearing me apart.
somethngwrng Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 I mean every day without fail for 3 months. That's like 90 days straight. I highly doubt even I could manage that. Second job more like it. Sex is meant to be pleasureable, not a house hold chore. She is extremely horny and sometimes I can have trouble keeping up! I have had to turn her down for sex many times because I have been so exhausted! Many nights it's 2-3 times (we've done it 6 times in a day before) and she STILL wants more later. Kind've amusing, makes me feel like the girl in the relationship sometimes.
-Sanguine- Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I mean every day without fail for 3 months. That's like 90 days straight. I highly doubt even I could manage that. Second job more like it. Sex is meant to be pleasureable, not a house hold chore. 3-5 times a week is more than enough for me. Any more than that and the desire for it would drop faster than a stiffy. I guess that is where the word nymphosomething came from. I've never been with someone for 90 days straight for that to happen, haha. If it was a chore, we wouldn't be doing it.
-Sanguine- Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Yeah, that's no way to live. She needs to understand where you are coming from. I really hope that she can see things from your point of view. Maybe if you try to explain to her really lovingly where you are coming from again? I know you tried already but I can't think of anything else to convince her of your good intentions!
mouseno4 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Well it would seem that I am the one learning here. Girls DEMANDING sex every night and sometimes multiple times a night. Freaky.
somethngwrng Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Yeah, that's no way to live. She needs to understand where you are coming from. I really hope that she can see things from your point of view. Maybe if you try to explain to her really lovingly where you are coming from again? I know you tried already but I can't think of anything else to convince her of your good intentions! Yep, I spent last night unable to sleep and I woke her up a few times and tried to discuss it. The problem is that when I do she says "I don't want to talk about it, it just makes me feel bad". I have wanted to tell her so many times today that I want to talk to her, but I am going to stand firm on my decision not to be in contact her while I am at work. If it is enough to cause the demise of the relationship, I don't think it was ever going to work I made a mistake in ever allowing the 24/7 contact and if I had never started it then this wouldn't be causing a huge issue in the relationship. It hurts to think of her withdrawing from me now and finding another man who will never even give her the things she expects from me, and she will be ok with that.
Anusha Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I guess I can relate with your gf since I like lots of contact too.Anyway I think the main problem on these cases is that the other person doesnt talk about it honestly and just kind of start to avoid the contact(like you not answering her Gmails like you said),what just causes more confusion and fights.I think the best thing to do on this case is to just explain to her(in a nice way) that is causing you problems to have all that much contact at work and that your boss even talked to you about that.At least that is what I would have preferred if I was on her place.
InvisibleWound Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I don't know what to do or whether this can work when her expectations are so high. It's making me very insecure. My social life is suffering and if I lay another blow on her and say that I need to spend some time with friends I'm scared she will break up with me. I love her very much. She is the first girlfriend I've had in many years and I also have never felt such a connection with anyone. Nobody should expect a bunch of contact when someone is at their job, a lot of jobs would like at that as a way to fire someone or write them up. It is ridicules for her to expect contact everyday all the time. Its no good for either of you. I don't want to sound like an a$$hole but if you are scared to tell her you want to spent time with friends and then in return have her possibly break up with you, is that really healthy? She can't be your world, and if you make her your entire your world you could lose friends... It is a good idea to stop the contact at work, honestly if she is not ok with that or argues with you about it then theres something wrong. I don't know any couple who behave like that. Its one thing to talk on the phone during a break or something but all day like that just is not healthy imo.
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