Family development with a divorced bf who has a strong tie with "old family"

[Perfume]

I started to live with my bf who is 50 y.o, 15 years older than I, after 5 years distant relationship. I am new to the city and yet to make my own friends' network. He is divorced from his x half year back after 10 years of non-couple life, but parenting 3 kids together in the same house where he was coming back every weekend from other city where he is working. The smallest is 19 y.o. now, so they can start to live more on their own, then parents divorced and we started to live together in a new flat.

 

My problem is that still children wish sometime to have "old family time" and even my bf enjoys to do that feeling "relaxing family time" with x-wife, while I am shut out, waiting alone in the house in a weekend. Even he is too busy with his work to have enough weekday/ weekend time with me. Initially reason to shut me out was that x-wife cannot see me psychologically.

 

They made a divorce agreement that my bf can go once in two weekends to stay together with children, but both my bf and x-wife don't care if x-wife evacuates house or not when my bf visits the house. Children wishes to be with mother and not with me, as they feel "home" or "relaxed" more. He stayed overnights sometime spending time with x-wife and children which he stopped doing it after lots of fighting with me. He cannot clean out his room in his old house, he likes to spend sometime in the garden there. Legally he and x-wife share the house together and have to sell it after 5 years.

 

Meanwhile if I have a contact with my x-bf in a friendship base, my bf gets mad and tells he cannot accept.

 

He and x-wife keeps a shared account for the shared house and children, and he transfers money much more than it should be (as agreed by the divorce agreement), while he has no saving. X-wife earns much less than he, so he feels obligation to pay more and also by his character, he cannot say anything strong to x-wife.

 

I feel he loves me and I also do, but I have big difficulties with him dealing with these issues. He tells things will go well by time because everybody has a good will and he doesn't feel necessity to tell anything important to his x-wife or children, he thinks everybody understands everything well. He tells I just have to understand the situation better and accept it.

 

I feel children are accepting me well and individually I do not have problem and like to be good friends, accepting them well. But with his non guidance to them, they treated me cold to save their "old family time" while I did efforts to make new friendships with them, and now I got somehow traumatized with things happened so far.

 

I wish he could make clearer line between his old family and show commitment for a family development with me, letting his children join, showing them the direction. It seems his priority is momental harmony, no conflict, no confrontation, and just does things which seems to be most peaceful. So he doesn't care what we have agreed or promised after lots of discussion. He knows it is not good to break the promises but he says that he did what was the best at each moment and he had a good will, so he was not wrong.

 

He is getting older and it gives more difficult feeling to me, as I want to have my own children. How should I understand him, is there anything I can do to make things better, or should I move away ?

 

I appreciate for your advises.

Thank you!

[lavenderdove]

Your problem here is that he isn't emotionally divorced from his old family. Sadly, some older men lose physical attraction for their wives when they enter middle age, and want a younger woman for sexuality and romance, but still want to keep hold onto their ex-wife and family as if nothing much had happened.

 

And his kids are too old for him to use the argument that he must see them alone at his old house with his wife there and to exclude you from those functions.

 

If you want your own family this will not work out, because he is pouring his money and energy into his old family. Is he going to leave you every other weekend to go to his old family once you have your own kids? Is he going to keep giving money to his ex-wife even though they are divorced, taking away from your own family and resources?

 

I would tell him that you want a normal relationship, which means when his kids want to visit with him, they come to your house and you are included in those family times. The truth is that when he divorces, he still keeps a relationship as father to his kids, but there is no 'familiy' anymore where he and his wife have to be connected to each other and spend a lot of time together, especially if it excludes you, who is in theory his NEW family.

 

He's treating his ex wife and kids as family, and you like a mistress. I would also make very sure that he is truly divorced and not lying and just separated. Go to the courthouse and get a copy of the divorce degree. If there isn't one, then he's lying and you're just his younger mistress that his wife tolerates, and he will never marry you or have kids with you. He may in fact not really want any more kids either.

 

At 35, you'd better have your kids in the new few years or you may become infertile, so i suggest you find out really soon whether he is actually divorced, if he will marry you and have kids or not, and whether he will agree to start being a family with you and stop spending so much time with his ex-wife and kids at her house. He needs to treat you as his wife and family, not treat his ex that way. If he won't commit to that, then he won't commit to you in a marriage either, and you are better off looking for a new man who does want to be with only you and not treat you like a mistress rather than a wife.

 

I just think this is a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too... he gets to keep his old family while having you like a mistress in another house.

[Perfume]

Hello, thanks for the reply !

 

I would like to clarify some more points. He is divorced officially with my push and it took for 2 years to settle discussion with his x-wife. I have seen both official notice from a court and divorce agreement.

 

Due to our continuous fighting, he reduced his hours to stay with his children, and tries somehow not to see together with his x-wife. It is like half day between one of the two weeks. He also asks me to join nowadays and when we go it will be a full day and that is difficult for me often as children show their unpleasant feeling that I am always with them, and on the other hand, their house located in a city far from ours, so I do not have place to stay alone my self giving my bf time to be alone with children. So I tell that children should come to our place but they don't have a driver's licence yet.

 

As for the finance, he also spent enough money for us. It seems he just does not have a good financial management idea, and just pour enough for the children to let them feel he supports enough. And I worry for the future.

 

I have seen his parents and joined his family functions and was introduced to all, where they welcomed me well. All family knows that my bf has had a difficult time since long time due to his x's affairs. Now they are happy that I am with him.

 

He also tries to do his efforts to be fully with me, if he is in our house. We discussed baby issues and he is now ready to have it once we could stabilize our relationship better not with much fighting.

 

He tries to listen me and looks like doing his efforts. But still he often repeats the same knowing it would hurt me lots and knowing that is not something which he should do. He is a very bad organizer and he reacts according to the situation of each moment, and he doesn't take any measure to prevent something to happen.

 

He is vague and complicated. I do not know how to understand him, and appreciate for more advises.