adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi, I recently split with my boyfriend of 10 years. I was not happy in the relationship due to him not showing me any affection and being quite aggressive in bedroom despite repeated attempts by me to ask him to stop. I was very unhappy sexually and used to HATE having sex with him. All other aspects of the relationship were really good (e.g. good friends, compatable in other areas etc). We went to therapy and the therapist identified that he has emotional issues which means he finds it difficult to express love and that he was trying to "control" me sexually to try and dominate. I had thought about splitting up 2 years ago but was not strong enough to go through with it back then and from then I have had a gut feeling that the relationship was not going to last forever. Since we split up my (ex) boyfriend has changed so much and I really do believe (as he tells me) that he has seen the error of his ways and he wants to be the partner I deserve. He really wants another go to prove to me he has changed and has said he is happy to go to sex therapy or do ANYTHING to try to make it work. Here is the dilema: About 6 weeks after I asked to break up I met someone else and have been seeing them - its obviously early days but I do really like this person and he is so wonderful and caring sexually - infact once I started crying during sex as it was so nice and everything I wanted. I would have to stop seeing him if I was to give my (ex) boyfriend another chance I feel I owe my (ex) boyfriend another chance but I know I would be so sad if I had to say to this other person that I was to stop seeing him. SO WHAT SHOULD I DO - DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GIVE MY EX ANOTHER CHANCE????? Thanks! Adele Link to comment
Tryptophan Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 You broke up with him, you've been emotionally checking out of the relationship for 2 years. If things didn't change for two years (since you broke up with him), what do you think will make it different this time? I wouldn't see it as a second chance, I would see it as doubting your decision, and not holding your ground. Don't give him a "second chance" if you're gonna breakup with him again. You weren't happy with him so why would you want to go back there? As much as it must suck for the ex, I think he's better off not getting another chance. Link to comment
f1r3f1y3 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Why does almost every single therapist session conclude that the guy has emotional issues that means he can't express himself? Can you elaborate on aggressive in the bedroom? Is it aggressive, or violent? Because actually being aggressive isn't necessarily wrong It's sexual preference. Maybe you are just not compatible. There's not much in your post to give reason to go back to your ex. Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi Tryptophan, Thanks for the reply - I only split up with him 3 months ago (I did consider it two years ago but kind of talked myself out of it). I think he feels that I should have told him earlier how I felt and given him the chance to fix things instead of going along with relationship and being unhappy for some time. I agree with his thinking - how can he change if he doesnt know whats wrong - probably I am just feeling guilty for not giving him another chance!!! His rationale is that he can fix all that is wrong so I will not want to split up with him again.................. Adele Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Why does almost every single therapist session conclude that the guy has emotional issues that means he can't express himself? Can you elaborate on aggressive in the bedroom? Is it aggressive, or violent? Because actually being aggressive isn't necessarily wrong It's sexual preference. Maybe you are just not compatible. There's not much in your post to give reason to go back to your ex. Hi There, I used to ask him not to do things sexually and he would do them anyway - if I said a position was sore he would keep going harder and question why it was sore as "it wasnt sore last time and we are in same position". I think he was under a lot of stress and took it out on me!! I think we were not compatible sexually but were in every other aspect!! Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Simple, who do you love? Him or the new guy. Link to comment
f1r3f1y3 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 If you were not sexually compatible, there are no amount of therapist sessions that are going to "fix him" to make it work Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Simple, who do you love? Him or the new guy. Hi Eocsor, Its to early with the new guy - for my Ex boyfriend - I care about him a lot but not sure its still love Link to comment
metrogirl Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 What makes you think he has changed, because he said so? If he hasn't had any kind of treatment or therapy for his aggressive sexual side that you stated you didn't like, then you don't know that he isn't going to be aggressive to your disliking in the bedroom again. Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 What makes you think he has changed, because he said so? If he hasn't had any kind of treatment or therapy for his aggressive sexual side that you stated you didn't like, then you don't know that he isn't going to be aggressive to your disliking in the bedroom again. Hi Metrogirl - I think he has changed as I can see it in him (sorry that sounds vague) - he says this has had such a profound effect on him and he can see so clearly what he was doing wrong and is disgusted with his behaviour- my worry is that that he does change in the bedroom but is not happy himself!!!!! Adele Link to comment
Tryptophan Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi Tryptophan, Thanks for the reply - I only split up with him 3 months ago (I did consider it two years ago but kind of talked myself out of it). I think he feels that I should have told him earlier how I felt and given him the chance to fix things instead of going along with relationship and being unhappy for some time. I agree with his thinking - how can he change if he doesnt know whats wrong - probably I am just feeling guilty for not giving him another chance!!! His rationale is that he can fix all that is wrong so I will not want to split up with him again.................. Adele By talking yourself out of it, do you mean maybe you rationalized his behavior, or stayed out of pity? There is also one thing about change. If he is the way he is, he is happy with who he is. Forcing him to change would induce some unhappiness on his part. Is this what you want for him (someone you obviously love)? Even if he does change, for how long would this be? And lastly, would his change be enough to satisfy your needs? There is also the moral aspect of making him change, isn't it selfish to ask for him to change to meet YOUR needs? It seems like he would be the only one changing, not you so it's not even like you're meeting each other half way. I think you're just doubting your decision which is normal after a breakup. It's too early for a reconciliation. Perhaps you should consider spending some time away from each other, let yourselves experience the loss and see if months from now, if it's still something you BOTH want. 3 months is still a little fresh particularly for a 10 year relationship. I think you both need to decide on that time on your own though. It all depends. Tryp Link to comment
f1r3f1y3 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 my worry is that that he does change in the bedroom but is not happy himself!!!!! Adele In case I wasn't clear so far My guess is that this is what will happen Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 By talking yourself out of it, do you mean maybe you rationalized his behavior, or stayed out of pity? There is also one thing about change. If he is the way he is, he is happy with who he is. Forcing him to change would induce some unhappiness on his part. Is this what you want for him (someone you obviously love)? Even if he does change, for how long would this be? And lastly, would his change be enough to satisfy your needs? There is also the moral aspect of making him change, isn't it selfish to ask for him to change to meet YOUR needs? It seems like he would be the only one changing, not you so it's not even like you're meeting each other half way. Tryp Hi Tryp, Thanks for the advice - he seems to want to change but I get the feeling he will say anything to convince me to give it another go. He does not think I need to change (except for one thing, to tell himn in the future if something is wrong) I think a longer break is probably the best idea - Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Don't do it! Stay away from him! I feel like you are filled with guilt and obligation towards him rather than genuinely wanting to date him. He tells you you HAVE to give him a chance. YOU didn't tell him he was doing things wrong. BULL CR A P! You told him to STOP and he DIDNT. That is on him. It is not on you. Walk away. He wants you back because you put up with his crap. Don't go back to that. What you feel with this new guy could be real. Cut off the ex. Don't talk to him, go NC. Otherwise he will guilt you back into 10 unhappy years. TEN UNHAPPY YEARS in which he forced unhappy and uncomfortable sex on you. He didn't care about your needs! You got away so STAY AWAY! Link to comment
Nowill Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Adel80 , This is just my opinion, You had a 10 year relationship with your (Ex) , and 6 weeks later after splitting up you have started a new sexual relationship with another person. The question I ask you , have you recovered emotionally and mentally from your 10 year relationship . I just feel people rebound into a new relationships without complete closure . ( If you had complete closure , you would not be asking this question ) Link to comment
LoveHurts89 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Oh my Lord, the advice on these boards is so contradicting! Sometimes, I wonder whether people warn others away for their ex because they're bitter they haven't got their ex back! Only you can decide whether things will work out or not. I doubt very much things will work with this new guy anyway, because you're already doubting things so early on. He's a rebound. You got into another relationship far too soon after your previous relationship. It's impossible to transfer your feelings from one man to another. It's just a shame an innocent man is going to get hurt in the process. As I said, only you can decide whether to go back or not. Link to comment
Vitality Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I agree with LoveHurts, everyone on this forum can give you advice on what to do...but even I know what you want. A 10 year relationship is huge, and I don't think you should let him go because of sexual aggression in the bedroom. I do understand your cause for concern when he hasn't listened to you. But its clear that he wants to change, hes felt the pain of losing you and doesn't want to experience it again, I'm sure that he will have suffered enough to know this by now. I can't say much about your new relationship, or how rebounds work because I just don't agree with them. Link to comment
sunnyhappydays Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 It's not clear that he wants to change. What's clear is that he wants you back. 3 months is not sufficient time for real change. Besides, what has he DONE to prove it? Has he gone to individual counseling? Has he apologized to you? He's doing the exact same thing he did in the relationship (blaming you for not TELLING him something he already should have known - No means no and stop means stop) and trying to force you to give him another chance. Please don't do it. And if you do get back with him, please get individual counseling. It's really important to get a 3rd party who you can talk to and run things by. I'm sorry but I don't think the responses on this thread are normal. I wish some of the regulars/mods were here to pitch in because I think they'd disagree. Metrogirl (whom I admire greatly) thinks that he's unlikely to have changed. I just don't get it. You would say "stop it, you're hurting me" and he would say "well it didn't hurt last time" and not stop? Can you not see how WRONG this is? Honestly, you need to be out of this relationship because you didn't walk right there and then. He WILL slip back into his old ways and soon you will end up unhappy again. Most of the people on this board are here due to relationship breakups and think that everyone "deserves" a second chance - no matter how terrible. That's not true. He can't deserve another human being. you don't belong to him or owe him anything. You only owe it to yourself to be happy. Also - Is this your first abusive relationship? How was your childhood? What is your relationship with your father like? How old are you?And how old is he? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I don't think you're currently in any position to be making a clear decision right now. How could you possibly be healed, and be to think clearly after ending a long standing relationship, and jumping into a new one within a period of six weeks? Why not take the time to be single, and get your life together, where you'll be in a better frame of mind before deciding what's ahead? Link to comment
RecentlyAlone Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I feel like if you have feelings for this new guy after only 6 weeks out of a 10 year relationship that its a sign that you aren't meant to be with the ex... Link to comment
tresqua Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I feel I owe my (ex) boyfriend another chance You don't owe him anything. Link to comment
EchoEcho Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 THIS! Your ex keeps saying that you should have spoken up about he you felt and that you never gave him a chance to change. Listen, that is pure and utter b******! He knew something was wrong; you DID NOT keep it to yourself. Think about it, you both talked about his aggressive behaviour in therapy and somehow he never knew there was a problem? Don't fall for his words, it's positive actions that matter and he hasn't committed to any. You were with this man for 10 long years and you shouldn't waste any more time on him. Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Adel80 , This is just my opinion, You had a 10 year relationship with your (Ex) , and 6 weeks later after splitting up you have started a new sexual relationship with another person. The question I ask you , have you recovered emotionally and mentally from your 10 year relationship . I just feel people rebound into a new relationships without complete closure . ( If you had complete closure , you would not be asking this question ) Hi Nowill, I think I had prepared myself for the ending of the relationship for some time now - at least in my head. This was my first ever relationship. My gut feeling has been for some time that it was not right. I never went out to meet anyone else but happened to meet someone and kind of clicked. He also recently (2 months or something) came out of a long term relationship so think we are in a kind of similar situation and I am trying to take it slowly whilst all of this is going on. I think the confusion is because I never expected my ex to put up such a fight and to really try so I never expected that 3 months later he is still trying to win me back and refuses to accept that I wont give him another chance. I think it would have been much better if I had of eaited a few months before meeting someone else but it never happended that way!! Adele Link to comment
adel80 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Hu sunnyhappydays - thanks for the advice. I am 30, he is 29 and for both of us it was our first long term relationships (managed 10 years!!!) My gut feeling is not to give him another chance as I dont love him anymore, I am not sure it will work (I do believe he has changed and can change but not sure if it will be forever/make him happy) and I feel that at 30 I have met someone else who - its early days - but is a really nice guy and exactly what I was missing. The person I met recently also came out of a LTR but I dont think this is a "rebound" thing as such. I think if I had not have met someone else I would have nothing to lose by giving it another chance but now my situation is different and I would have to make a sacrafice (the new guy) to see if the second chance does work or not and I guess I am being selfish for not wanting to do this!!! But then I feel bad for giving up so easilly and throwing away a 10 year relationship without seeing if it can be fixed!! Adele Link to comment
No Words Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 actually... after the age of 22 or so, people are not that prone to change... if he needs dominant sex, that will *never* go away.. never, ever, ever... if he's not bad, but just has specific desires, well.. not a lot that can be done... don't get me wrong... people *can* learn... but change is another issue... deep things like sexual comparability almost always digress to their previous state... don't hate him, if that is the only issue, & forgive him & love him... but... don't expect that part of him to go away, either... Link to comment
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