Jealous of Not Having "Female" Experiences Due to Looks

[reboundstudent]

I sometimes feel as if I'm less of a woman because I'm more on the side of Plain Jane/Ugly, and thus do not have a lot of the experiences that other women seem to bond over.

 

I sit with a group of women at lunch, and lately at least one of them comes in complaining about getting too much attention from guys. They complain about guys hitting on them, whistling at them, yelling things out the windows of cars, giving them lots of extra attention. All the women in the group join in with their experiences and how annoyed they are by them, but I can't, because I've never had any of those experiences. I know some of the women find these experiences creepy (though sometimes I wonder, as they go on and on about them, if they're not a strange mixture of bothered and pleased) but I still feel very jealous that they've gotten that kind of behavior, and I haven't, even when I try. (Sundresses, short shorts, Renaissance corsets... I've tried them all, and the only feedback I've gotten is that I was "trying too hard.")

 

I also feel jealous when reading articles in which women complain that guys misinterpret their friendly signals for flirting; that all they do is show interest in what a guy is talking about, or smile at him, and he assumes she wants him.

 

I've been told numerous times that I am very friendly and warm, but I've never had a guy mistake it for anything else. In fact, I usually get friend zoned... The guy will spend the rest of the conversation bemoaning the hot girl that doesn't notice he exists, and asking my advice on relationships.

 

It just makes me so sad and jealous that I will never experience these problems that seem to be so universal among women because of how I look. I feel like I'm somehow a freak... like I don't even count as a woman, like I'm sexless, because I'm not attractive.

 

Does anyone else ever feel this way? How did you deal with it?

[hexaemeron]

Well, let me ask you. Outside of anyone else's opinions about your looks, what do YOU yourself feel you are? 1-10?

[reboundstudent]

With makeup, maybe a 5 or 6. Most days, a 2-3.

[hexaemeron]

With makeup, maybe a 5 or 6. Most days, a 2-3.

 

That is probably a big part of your situation there. People respond to confidence more than you think. If you're projecting that you are confident in yourself, then people take notice. People rarely will get the same reaction from someone who'd need to be constantly reassured.

[reboundstudent]

But I am confident in myself, just not my looks. Like I said, I'm told I'm friendly and outgoing most of the time.

[Tryptophan]

If you don't feel happy about your looks then try to change them. Do things for yourself physically that will make you feel pretty. Go to the gym, get a makeover, something!

[hexaemeron]

But I am confident in myself, just not my looks. Like I said, I'm told I'm friendly and outgoing most of the time.

 

Right, you have to be confident in those too. People are very very perceptive. You're placing yourself in the friendzone as much as other people are, unfortunately.

[agent1607307371]

In your older posts you say that if you find someone attractive, you distrust them or think badly of them. So you're not helping yourself by doing that.

[Firiel]

As someone who was (practically) never the object of sexual attention, I feel ya. Sometimes it's easy to think, "Oh my goodness, what is WRONG with me?" Just let me tell you... it probably isn't your looks. It hasn't been until the past few months (after almost a year of being married to someone who loves my looks!) that I've accepted it wasn't my looks that was keeping me from being sexually appealing. It was my attitude. I dressed nicely, but I never wanted to draw attention to my more, ahem, female bits. I was very friendly and usually outgoing, but I was just that-- there was never a flirty undertone.

 

I'm glad I (unconsciously) made the choice I did, though... I like that my "piece of meat" experiences are few and far between and that I've never had a mass of attention that might cause me to develop a callous shell towards genuine guys that are seriously interested in me. Seriously, you probably look just fine. If you can accept that you are beautiful without extreme male attention, you'll have the best of both worlds-- a high self-confidence and a freedom from the sometimes complimentary but usually unwanted male attention.

[reboundstudent]

If you don't feel happy about your looks then try to change them. Do things for yourself physically that will make you feel pretty. Go to the gym, get a makeover, something!

You can only do some much. I wear make-up and I do go the gym, but it just doesn't do much. You can't make a silk purse out of a linen dish rag no matter how awesome your tools are.

 

In your older posts you say that if you find someone attractive, you distrust them or think badly of them. So you're not helping yourself by doing that.

That's only when I find someone extremely physically attractive. Emotionally or personality-wise, I am ALL over that!

 

As someone who was (practically) never the object of sexual attention, I feel ya. Sometimes it's easy to think, "Oh my goodness, what is WRONG with me?" Just let me tell you... it probably isn't your looks. It hasn't been until the past few months (after almost a year of being married to someone who loves my looks!) that I've accepted it wasn't my looks that was keeping me from being sexually appealing. It was my attitude. I dressed nicely, but I never wanted to draw attention to my more, ahem, female bits. I was very friendly and usually outgoing, but I was just that-- there was never a flirty undertone.

 

I myself wondered if it was cause I'm never overly flirty, but then again, these articles (and the comments) make it seem as if all they do is smile at a guy and he thinks they're coming onto him or being a "tease." If it's attitude, then are these women just lying to themselves that they're NOT flirting? Doesn't that have Unfortunate Implications of "You just didn't know you wanted it"? Not knocking your post, as I've often thought similar, but the more I hear from other women about these experiences, the more confused I get.

[mouseno4]

Everyone is beautiful on the inside. Look into your chest and see your heart. Now do the same with every other girl. You can't tell your heart from theirs. This is the truth.

[reboundstudent]

Everyone is beautiful on the inside. Look into your chest and see your heart. Now do the same with every other girl. You can't tell your heart from theirs. This is the truth.

 

So is that what men see when they look at women's chests.... their hearts?

 

Now a less smart aleck response... Yeah, everybody is beautiful on the inside. But people can't see your insides. And my main post was about how I do seem to be pretty on the inside, but nobody NOTICES cause they're too busy looking at the outside. So?...

[Firiel]

I myself wondered if it was cause I'm never overly flirty, but then again, these articles (and the comments) make it seem as if all they do is smile at a guy and he thinks they're coming onto him or being a "tease." If it's attitude, then are these women just lying to themselves that they're NOT flirting? Doesn't that have Unfortunate Implications of "You just didn't know you wanted it"? Not knocking your post, as I've often thought similar, but the more I hear from other women about these experiences, the more confused I get.

 

You can "flirt" accidentally and without any intentional romantic undertones. There is a really fine line between "I'm friendly but somehow can't flirt", "I'm flirting with you because you are attractive," and "I really am just trying to be friendly but I've got this flirty undertone I really can't get rid of." Some women are able to flirt when they want and just be friendly when they want, but I think usually people err on one side or the other (like in most other areas of life, few of us are able to hit the perfect balance!). The ability to walk into a room and grab attention will result in positive attention (from the respectful guy thinking, "Wow, she really carries herself well! And what a body!") but, really by no fault of the woman, will likely bring negative attention as well (the player thinking, "Hey, she's got a nice rack!"). Really, anyone who attracts attention in any situation will likely attract positive and negative attention, so this really isn't so different. So women really don't want the attention from the jerk... they are being totally honest when they say that... but sometimes being sexy draws attention from both crowds. I dunno... I'm no expert, but I know I've pondered a lot of the same questions you do.

 

For me... well, I've only ever been able to flirt with guys I'm basically already in a relationship with... or at the very least, guys that I am positive like me. It's a confidence thing. I was never confident enough to go out there and flirt because I thought I was somewhat unattractive and was certain it would end poorly. I've been lucky enough that it doesn't matter anymore. I've got a great guy, and I now really appreciate that I've never been attractive to men in general because I feel comfortable talking to and befriending men without worrying too much about their intentions...

[reboundstudent]

I suppose it's mostly the attention that I am jealous of. I would welcome even negative attention, I think. And it seems like even if I'm confident I can't get it, though personally I'm always thought that whole "confidence is sexy" thing was not necessarily true. Yeah, it'll make you sexy if you're already pretty decent. But I think a genuinely unattractive woman with confidence is usually just called "delusional."

[Firiel]

I suppose it's mostly the attention that I am jealous of. I would welcome even negative attention, I think. And it seems like even if I'm confident I can't get it, though personally I'm always thought that whole "confidence is sexy" thing was not necessarily true. Yeah, it'll make you sexy if you're already pretty decent. But I think a genuinely unattractive woman with confidence is usually just called "delusional."

 

I wish I could help you out more, but as I never really mastered the whole "sexy" thing myself, it'd be the blind leading the blind. I do know that at least one friend of mine suddenly became irresistible to men during the last year of high school. The thing is, I could never understand why. She had pretty eyes, but other than that had a (in my opinion) 100% average face. She was slender, but didn't have curves at all. She wasn't bad looking by any means, but she wasn't a beauty queen... something about her personality shifted and she went from being a nerdy nobody to one of the most popular girls in the class. It can't all be looks... I do know that.

[twentiesgirl86]

Yeah I understand completely. My old room mate used to complain to me all the time that she hated how guys hit on her all the time. I only end up getting men in their late forties and fifties hit on me, but they hit on anything female. The one night we went to the bar, and she had all these guys coming up to her and telling her how beautiful she is. We were at a bar, so I was dressed up as well, I felt confident because I was wearing makeup and I had my hair done up. Not one guy hit on me at all, and when I am feeling confident I am outgoing. So it's not like the guys noticed any insecurities. It's just that she is a beautiful girl, she looks like a model. So when the two of us go out together, she gets the most attention. Well when we got home she just started ranting and raving how pissed off she was about how guys kept calling her beautiful, hot, sexy, gorgeous... and all I could do was sit there and think: really? The one guy had walked up to her, and told her that she was a very beautiful girl and then told her boyfriend he was a lucky man to have her. And she was freaking out about that. She was like: "How could he say such a thing!? He knew I was taken, and he actually said that!?" I don't understand what the problem was. All he did was tell her that she beautiful. It would have made my whole night to hear that, even if I had a boyfriend. Her boyfriend was pleased. He was glad to be told he was a lucky man.

 

I get this a lot when I am with her or any of my really pretty friends. They all complain about men hitting on them, and then when I complain that men don't hit on me unless they are old they tell me that I am very lucky. No not really. Not when sometimes people tell me I am ugly. Not when I've never been in a relationship. I feel the opposite of lucky. The one time they told me I don't want men telling me that I am pretty or hot. Who doesn't want to be complimented? Or the one time my friend said "Oh they probably think you are pretty they just don't want to say anything..."

[Capricorn3]

But I am confident in myself, just not my looks. Like I said, I'm told I'm friendly and outgoing most of the time.

I have seen your picture and everyone else who has seen your picture, ALL agreed you are a very very attractive young lady. Every single person who saw your picture raved how gorgeous you are. There wasn't a single person who made a negative comment and ALL rated you a very easy 8-10. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your looks at all. It's all in your head. You have no reason to be jealous of your friends at all.

 

I think your main downfall is your chronic insecurity. You say above that you are a confident person, but yet in another thread, you say:

 

"Well who in the world is attracted to insecurity? That's the flip-side of confidence. Would YOU really want to go out with a woman who sat there like a piece of furniture, acted ashamed of taking up space? (There's flirty-shy, which guys seem to love, and there's furniture-shy. We're talkin' furniture-shy here.) What guy falls head over in heels for the girl who constantly complains about how ugly she is, how nobody likes her, and how she nobody could EVER want to marry her?

 

I can say with utmost conviction NO guy wants to be with that chick, because I AM that chick, and get told repeatedly (by real life guys even!) that that's why they don't wanna date me".

 

There is nothing wrong with your looks. It seems you have BDD 'Body Dysmorphic Disorder'.

 

Have you ever considered counselling?

[sjustine]

I totally get what your saying, but maybe your better off? Do you really want to be treated like a sex object? Be confident in what you do have, and you'll find someone who loves you for you and respects you.

[Longblackhair]

I feel the same way sometimes. If I go somewhere and no man hits on me then I feel very unattractive and invisible.

 

but one way that I do know how to get attention from men is by padding my jeans to make my behind look extra extra big. or I will pad my bra as well to make myself look more attractive to men. It helps.

[babygirl3253]

"I sometimes feel as if I'm less of a woman because I'm more on the side of Plain Jane/Ugly, and thus do not have a lot of the experiences that other women seem to bond over."

 

^ Who says you are Plain Jane/Ugly? If you are confident in yourself it will show. I bet none of those other girls you sit with think that of themselves, therefore you shouldn't either because there is nothing in this world that can categorize you as being plain jane or ugly..... you are as beautiful/hot/sexy as you feel.

 

If you felt beautiful after doing your hair, putting on some makeup, wearing clothes you felt looked good on you..... it would show and then you would notice all eyes on you.

[reboundstudent]

"I sometimes feel as if I'm less of a woman because I'm more on the side of Plain Jane/Ugly, and thus do not have a lot of the experiences that other women seem to bond over."

 

^ Who says you are Plain Jane/Ugly? If you are confident in yourself it will show. I bet none of those other girls you sit with think that of themselves, therefore you shouldn't either because there is nothing in this world that can categorize you as being plain jane or ugly..... you are as beautiful/hot/sexy as you feel.

 

If you felt beautiful after doing your hair, putting on some makeup, wearing clothes you felt looked good on you..... it would show and then you would notice all eyes on you.

 

Nope, it really, REALLY doesn't work that way. I've put on make-up, a really sexy outfit, been confident and fun.... and.... nothing. Seriously, I couldn't get a bunch of nerds interested in me. I did get lots of compliments from women and transvestites, however.

[Longblackhair]

Have you thought about getting breast implants or something to sexy things up a bit? I know how you feel, typically I pad my jeans to make my rear end really large and then I have more men interested in me. Out in public the more breast/butt a woman has the more attention you will receive

 

but you are lucky that you get so many compliments even if it is from women and/or transvestites, somebody sees the beauty in you

[Unknown1607307972]

I've seen some women who I consider pretty unattractive find someone without trouble, it makes me feel that it isn't all about looks. I agree that being a good person inside doesn't feel that helpful when you're in a bar standing next to a drop dead gorgeous friend but confidence still helps any person seem more attractive. I don't feel I have changed drastically since how I looked a few years ago yet I get much more attention now than I ever did then because while I am no a confident person, I am much more so than I used to be. The best thing you can do is make the best of what you have, dress in clothes that make you feel good, take care of your appearance and smile. Looking happy can work wonders.

 

 

Have you thought about getting breast implants or something to sexy things up a bit? I know how you feel, typically I pad my jeans to make my rear end really large and then I have more men interested in me. Out in public the more breast/butt a woman has the more attention you will receive

 

but you are lucky that you get so many compliments even if it is from women and/or transvestites, somebody sees the beauty in you

 

I tend to feel that fake padding actually makes me feel worse. I am not lacking in the rear area (I'm slim, but have a big arse like all the women in my family!) but my boobs are small. Padding just makes me feel like I am being admired for something that isn't real.

[Batya33]

It's partly your attitude - you have this unrealistic expectation that wearing a sexy outfit and makeup is going to get you attention and that somehow the men you brand as "nerds" should "of course" pay attention to you because you assume that just because you think they look a certain way they're supposed to settle for someone who is not attractive (again, to you, in your personal opinion). Some people are turned off by a person who is dressed a certain way as if she (he?) is trying too hard to impress.

Don't go for the "group of nerds" -they deserve someone who is not going to label them that way and there are plenty of women who don't so don't feel sorry for "them" in the least. I understand that you feel judged because you don't look like a model, but judging others isn't going to further your cause or get you the kind of insight you need.

 

My advice - don't hang around at places where looking sexy is the way people get attention. Do volunteer work - maybe backstage at a community theater, or somewhere where you're interacting with people for a common cause, where you're dressed down or at least "normal" not "sexy" - and where the focus is the activity, not the preening and primping. That also will help you to see people more as individuals and get to know them that way rather than indulging in the temptation to stereotype and label.

 

When I reconnected with my now husband we met for a friendly dinner to catch up - at the last minute. That meant that I was wearing some old t-shirt and blah pants, and didn't have my typical makeup with me at the office(I didn't wear a lot but some). He was sweaty from being late to meet me. He thought I looked beautiful, I thought he looked hot and not in a sweaty way. Sparks flew. He still thinks I look beautiful in pajamas and a scrunchie in my hair, no makeup. I know I'm not in the least "beautiful" that way from any conventional standpoint. But conventions go out the window in these situations -so stay away from the conventional ways to meet men -bars and the like -and get involved and get busy where you're going to shine and the mascara and lipstick won't matter as much (yes, wear a little lipstick, yes, look nice, but just not to the extent you wrote about).

[BlueMilk]

I kinda have to agree with Batya33 in this one. It sounds like you hang around a very...high maintenance social circle. Girls complaining about how much attention they get (while secretly you feel like they are /gloating/, not complaining. They just say it in such a manner because they want to act like they aren't vain) are the type of girls who seek that attention themselves. They go to clubs and bars, they primp, they preen, then they shoot the guy down and compare notes at the end of the evening. Yes, I am exaggerating /massively/ and I am not saying that this is wrong as at least fifty percent of my friends are part of this culture, but it may not be suitable for you if you're the wallflower type.

 

Get out of that element. You're going through the same cycle over and over again and nothing you're doing is getting you the results you want. So you either change yourself (although everyone here has established that that is not necessary as you are very good looking) or you change your environment - which is much easier to do and much less expensive!

 

Volunteer work is ideal, as are some adult classes (though look for more male-oriented courses, those can be fun and tend to be low-maintenance - meaning you don't have to come dressed to the nines to do wood shop or learn about cars or screen printing.)

 

I have to admit though it did hurt your image that you said such things about 'nerds'. It shows that you're still focused on a very high school mentality and believe in social 'levels' that you're trying to aspire towards. That does not work in the adult world. Even if you meant 'socially awkward males who usually would ache for any female attention' it shows that you feel you are entitled. You are not entitled to male attention, male attention is a gift. Be very careful or you may be in what is called the female version of 'Mr. Nice'.