Alone and Depressed... Looking for someone to understand.

[samiirose]

i really just want to find someone who understands. i have friends i just feel like sometimes they dont care about me even tho they say they do. its like when im with them i try to cover up how much im hurting but sometimes its hard and i just give up trying to hide it and they just ask me whats wrong and i just cant find the words to tell them how i feel.

 

 

 

i get so depressed that i actually started hurting myself, i started cutting and burning myself, and i know its a really bad thing to do but i just dont know what to do anymore. this has been going on for a couple years now and im really sick and tired of it i just dont know. im just trying to find answers and someone like me.

 

 

i try to talk to my best friend because she is just like me and she understands but lately i just feel like we are growing apart. see we have this friend eric and we are both close to him and they actually recently started dating and we used to hang out everyday but now shes just dont have anytime for me and when she does im always being thirdwheeled by her and eric and i hate it bcuz everytime i start to like someone they usually start to like her. i just feel like theres nothing good for anyone. not pretty or smart enough. lately i just dont feel like doing anything i dont want to do anything or talk to anyone but i know if i just keep it all in its just going to be so much worse.

 

i spend all my time in my room, i hate being at home because me and my dad fight alot. im the oldest of 3 and he is always blaming me for everything. everything i do is never enough for him but even tho i hate being at home im never asked to go out and hang out and when i try to call one of my friends they never answer me.

 

alot im made fun of alot for alot of reasons but one is that im a 16 year old girl and i havent had my first kiss yet. i have had only two boyfriends and they both cheated on me. i have been hurt alot in my life and i have alot of trust issues because of that. i have a really hard time letting people in my life. i know im really bad at explaining my fellings but if i hold anything in any longer i think ill just do something even stupider then i already am doing. i cry all the time and i try not to but it just happens. i dont kno what to do anymore.

[Tryptophan]

Hey samiirose,

 

I used to cut too, I started cutting because I went through a lot of abuse as a child. I cut since I was 11, and I finally stopped when I was 16. I know how much it can alleviate the mental pain but you have no idea what it's like to grow up and have those scars with you permanently. And to be honest, it took so much work to stop, it was addictive, and it didn't really help with the problems. I know also what it's like to have your best friends always get the attention and have them tell you what it's like and you, on the other hand, have nothing. My parents separated when I was 2, so I didn't really have a father figure, just my brothers. So what did I do? I did what I could do and chose the wrong paths that led me into more crap. I'm not even gonna go into the things that I did, but they were just wrong and the time were the only things that seem to help me. And it didn't help, it just made things worse.

 

You have many options even if it seems like you don't. You're 16, you're young. You have a whole life ahead of you and seriously, not having a first kiss at 16 isn't a big deal. You'd be surprised to know you're not the only one but at that age, you're probably the only girl brave enough to admit it. Many of my friends didn't get their first kiss until their senior year. But you have get out there, and tell yourself that you ARE pretty enough, and smart? Well being smart is up to you. How much do you really study? Being smart just doesn't come to you, you have to work for it. And I know that's the last thing on your mind, but it should be the first one. Education is really one of those things NO ONE can take from you.

 

Don't try not to cry, that never really helps. About the cutting and burning, coming from someone who did it for 5 years, find other ways to deal with it. If you want feel something physical, use a rubber band and snap it whenever you have that itch. I have so many scars now that and they're a constant reminder of what I used to be--not a pretty sight. About guys, I know everyone says this, but you'll find someone, maybe not now, but at the right time. We can't really force things into being what we want them to be but we can do things to change. Have you thought of joining an after school program? Or if you're in summer, a summer program? You can focus on school, or they also have music, or art-related programs to fit your interests. You need to find something that you're passionate about. Something, that when you're feeling down, will be there to rescue you.

 

And I know it sounds very cliched, but it will work out, you will be fine, but you have to do your part. If you ever need someone to talk to, message me and I'll be there for you.

[samiirose]

thank you for answering me. i really appriciate your advice. i also posted this on another website and i had people calling me pathetic.

[AquaaBubbles]

Oh my, I know exactly what you mean...

 

I've cut myself in the past and put myself under immense pain. Basically because I felt like I deserved it. I've had a tough life since I was 5, and no-one ever bothered with me at all really. When my father died people took the piss out of me. That's just how it was. I've never told anyone my problems or how I felt because I felt like no-one cared, which they didn't. I was a burden on everyone.

I am 16 now and haven't had my first kiss either. There is nothing wrong with this- let me assure you of that. Im the only person in my class who hasn't kissed before and they take the piss out of me. I don't listen though. Why? because it's none of their business. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and we haven't kissed. There is no rush for a first kiss, samiirose. Do it with the guy you feel comfortable with, at the right moment, when it's perfect for both of you. Don't listen to others.

 

Im like you, I sit in my room all day. Again, because I dont want to be a bother to people.

If you feel like you want to cry then do it. You arent weak for crying, if you dont cry you are going to make yourself feel weak. A good cry is always necessary when one feels like it. I also recommend taking a walk alone and screaming everything that upset/annoys you and just get everything off your chest. Or start a diary, maybe.

It sounds like you and I feel similar things...

If you ever want to chat, Private message me. I will be happy to help. I will share some of my feelings too if it would make you feel any better.

I hope you're okay. *hug*

[samiirose]

i would but idk how cuz i just got this today and...still confused haha