NC - A No Brainer.

[AC Slater]

This advice is basically a product of my own experiences and observations during my breakup/post breakup period. I'm not claiming this to be in anyway a surefire fix or a means of getting your ex back, but I definitely feel the need to communicate these ideas regarding truly getting yourself back and making the best of a * * * * ty situation.

 

I truly believe, no matter how unique you may think your situation is, that a sustained period NC is an absolute MUST. I've been NC now for 4 months, and despite my ex being in my social circle and part of my mutual friend group, i've stayed strong with it and can now confidently and proudly say i'm over her. I'm over the relationship, i'm over everything. I'm 21 years old, this is the prime time of my life. I've been with about 11 girls since the breakup, doing my own thing, living my life however i want. I've had some ridiculous experiences i can't disclose here for obvious reasons, that i would never have got to experience while being in a relationship. I won't lie and say i don't miss her, because i do. I obviously think about her because i'm still posting here, but nothing bothers me anymore. She's with a new guy and enjoying herself. Why would i be bitter about this? There's absolutely nothing i can gain from letting this upset me or affect me. As soon as your ex lets you go, they must come off this pedestal we've put them up on. The sooner you see them as just another person the better, and you'll find literally nothing they do affects you, because you simply don't have any reason to let it. You're not together, you have no ties anymore, no obligations, no sense of entitlement to be a part of their life. You need to just let them go completely. It's a liberating feeling when you can honestly look at them and see them for who and what they are - just another person. Yes, you've been intimate and shared love or whatever, but you're not anymore. It happened, and it's done. They have no influence on your life anymore. Repeat this. They have no influence on your life anymore. They're not part of your life, they have no significance. They are no different to your neighbour, your professor, your employer. What they do with themselves means nothing to you anymore because you need to be LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE. You need to be making something of yourself, creating new experiences, doing the things you love, learning to be happy with yourself. Be happy for the experience you had with your ex, but be goddamn excited for what's coming around the corner. Be preparing yourself for what's coming by making yourself the best person you can. We can't live in the past and let the present just waste away. The only way you can even think about achieving this state of mind and attitude is through NC. The only way you can truly let go is to go no contact.

 

NC will burn emotional connections with your ex, it will rip away any dependency and expectations. You will gradually stop caring and you will find your focus shifts from them back to yourself. Trust me. Memories of your relationship will become scarce and fleeting in recurrence, but still fond. You'll look back on everything in a positive light, instead of being blinded by desperate hope and clinging to anything you think might be a sign of them showing interest in you. The days will fly while you keep yourself busy and productive. Soon, you'll find yourself going days without negative thoughts, until you reach the point of being able to think about your old relationship and laugh and smile over the things you did.

When you reach this point, you're in the mindset that will give you the best chance possible to attract them back. When you can treat them like everyone else, no expectations, no resentments, no grudges. A clean slate, fresh mind. This is ONLY achievable through cold hard NC. Soon you'll get to the point of literally not caring. You're onto better things, and you'll regret the time you spent dwelling on the misery of missing them and thinking about them. Ironically, this is the time when they're most likely to contact you.

 

I have no reason to resent my ex or be happy about our split, but i've finally learnt the most crucial lesson i could've learned from this entire experience. I've reached the point where i now understand that the breakup was for the best. It had to happen. I've changed so much in these 4 months more so than i have in my entire life. If she ever came back, she'd see it and i know things would be better. I'm confident she's not coming back though, and in all honesty i know we wouldn't work because she's jumped straight back into a relationship without taking any time to reflect or deal with her issues. I'm prepared and excited for my next relationship, where i can give it my all, utilize the things i've learnt and no matter what happens know that i've been the best man i can with no regrets. I needed this relationship to learn from.

 

We all needed these relationships, and while we might not think it at the moment we need to recognize them as blessings and opportunities. I know it hurts like * * * * , but * * * * ing hell there's alot worse things that could be happening to us. Put it in perspective and man up. We've got one shot, and it's shameful to be wasting our own time on ANOTHER person who doesn't want us.

[mactownman]

Hear, hear! Well said my man. They don't make us happy, we make ourselves happy.

[Alexandra05]

wow i like ur post... funny enuf im goin on my 4th month of NC and i feel the same as u. NC helps a to move on for sure

[LaceWing]

Ok very perceptive and wise words, and being aware that this was posted in the Getting Back Together section I'd like to add some thoughts.

 

I do not think NC for possible reconcilliation is about moving on. In my mind it is about 'letting go', and these are not necessarily the same thing.

 

To move on means you are going forward and never ever looking back.

 

To let go means you are freeing both yourself and the other person up, and by letting them go, you are giving them and yourself the time and space to reflect on things without pressure, without attachment.

 

It's almost like an act of faith. You 'let go'...you detach, and you do this with the aid of NC.

 

But NC does not always mean closing the door forever on someone, so there are distinctions to be made.