So...what are my chances?!

[HE16]

So this is basically the little monologue I seem to reel out every time someone asks how my boyfriend and I are doing! Even though he's treated me like **** I still want him back. He's my best friend and we were really, really good together, but near to the end we were suffocating each other a little bit and not spending enough time with our friends, which I realised after we broke up and I had nothing to do and nobody to spend time with. I'm quite glad about that because I realised how amazing my friends are and how much I missed socialising with them.

 

My boyfriend dumped me near enough 3 weeks ago. He'd promised me the night before after we had a Talk (yep, one with the capital T) that he wasn't going to dump me and couldn't believe he'd been so stupid as to even consider it and that he was so sorry for making me worry. Spent the night and day together, later that night...broke up via text and changing Facebook status without telling me. Pathetic and cowardly, yes, and even after the way he's been treating me I still want him back! We met up the next day so I could return some things of his. He had been really rude and basically told me to f off, that he never wanted to see me again earlier that morning because I accused him of using me for sex and he said that if I thought he was that kind of scum, I clearly didn't know him at all and he didn't want people like me around him. I persuaded him to meet me and the only thing he would accept was some CDs that weren't actually his - he'd borrowed them from a friend and lent them to my sister.

He hugged me and said he'd meet up with me on Friday and go see a film. I was happy about this, but he continued to text me in the same way that he always had, really friendly, using pet names and lots of x's on the end. On Thursday I got annoyed because he said he was bringing along a friend. I felt kind of outnumbered by him after this, seeing as I had been planning on talking to him about going NC for a couple of weeks, but only if he agreed to it - I didn't just want to cut him out of my life completely. He told me to not bother turning up.

 

A week later I made the effort to speak to him and asked him to meet with me. It went really, really well, I was proud of myself (no hurling abuse at him, didn't throw anything, didn't beg for him back) and we got on really well as friends. Until he kissed me, and held my hand, and hugged me, then kissed me some more. When his friends walked past, he didn't seem bothered by the fact he was cuddling up to his ex girlfriend on a bench, although I pulled away every time. I told him he had to stop playing me and left. I got a text whilst I was on the way home saying "please don't think if you kiss me or go further it will bring us back together, because it won't." It was him that initiated it! He still sent me good night / good morning texts.

 

The next week, he asked me to meet up with him. Again, it went well, we were just talking, when he grabbed my hand and asked if I wanted to go back to his to see his family, as there was nothing to do in town. I agreed, not even noticing that on the bus he had his arm round me when we were talking to a mutual friend and holding my hand, but when I did realise I didn't stop him. When we got to his (bless his mother, she got really excited that we had reconciled and looked like she was about to cry when he said we were 'friends') he cuddled up to me and tried to kiss me. I asked him what he thought he was doing, so he asked if I would 'see' him. I was excited and happy and agreed. He was all over me, but I kept pushing him away and asking what this meant for us. Basically, 'seeing' each other meant he could sleep with me and treat me like a girlfriend, but he could still 'see' other girls. And I wouldn't be called his girlfriend. I wasn't happy, I know how jealous I would get since he actually named the girls he wanted to kiss, and the conversation went like this:

 

Me: you know how paranoid and jealous I would get?

Him: yeah...

Me: and how I would feel useless and like I was only there to sleep with?

Him: you are not useless! No sleeping with each other, not unless we're in a relationship. I don't want you to feel like that.

Me: well how would you feel if I was getting with other guys?

Him: I wouldn't like it. I'd feel like you were cheating. Okay, we won't see each other, I don't want to hurt you.

 

Bombshell for me...Felt like I'd had my heart broken (again). He'd even said to me that he was starting to love me again, "almost with the I." I said some really nasty but true things to me and he refused to hold my hand or kiss me. He got the bus with me and walked me home. He'd given me his jacket, which I keep trying to return. He called me babe and hugged me a lot. He said he'd text me about meeting up but since he didn't have much money, it probably wouldn't be soon. We still texted and stuff, just with less x's and no pet names.

 

What he'd said was "I don't want a relationship, with anyone. I like being single now, I don't like the emotional bit of relationships where I just miss you constantly, you're always in my head. But I still want to be close with you and hold your hand and act like a couple, because it feels right to do that and it's just awkward when I don't because I really want to."

 

On Monday I asked to meet up to give back his jacket because it didn't fit in the box with the rest of his stuff, and who wants a jumper that smells of their ex lingering around their bedroom? He said he'd try, but he literally had no money. I went a bit psycho ringing and texting him since he wasn't replying. Same thing happened on Tuesday and when I didn't reply or answer calls because I realised how creepy ex-ish I was being he sent me a text. Yesterday, I didn't get a 'good morning' text and I was feeling kinda down because some girls from his college had been pointing at me and obviously talking about me, so I asked him how he was doing. I didn't reply straight away and left about 45 minutes between each reply, didn't make an effort to continue the conversation, and for once he did! He asked me to go to a concert in October with him and asked if I wanted to stay at his after a party we're both going to in two weeks. I ignored his last text since I couldn't really reply to it with anything but before I went to bed I sent him a text saying night and he replied straight away. He also hinted at seeing me on Friday, although he knows I'm busy he still wants to meet up to buy concert tickets. Woke up this morning without a good morning text though...

 

Wow, that was long. I don't know what to do - sometimes he seems like he's interested, sometimes he couldn't care less if I even exist, but he still gets angry at me when I 'break my promise' to stay friends by not replying etc., but it's perfectly okay for him to do that! He's playing me so bad, I know he isn't coping well - one of his friends told me that he is now drunk every night (used to be teetotal) I saw he's been self harming, his friend was worried about how down he seems all the time and he's being quite...self destructive, doing stuff that would normally be seen as dangerous.

 

I'm away next week, I'm thinking that if I go NC he'll either forget about me and move on, or realise that he misses me. I still feel like staying friends is the best thing to do, although it's probably not. He's admitted that together we were pretty much perfect. He still managed to fool around with some girls at a party two days after we broke up but he apologised for it and I do think he was sincere about it. He's a teenage boy, and he got a bit spooked when he realised he'd been with the same person for almost a year, and all of his friends were messing around and having fun. Argh, I'm so confused I'm so sorry that this is so long lol!

[imonlyhuman]

NC isn't for that. It's for your healing.

 

I say, move on, he's young and immature and has no idea what he wants (like most of us guys, really). And if he ever is ready and willing to commit, he should let you know. But the most important thing is your healing, NC is recommended for that, but you can do what feels most right for you. NC has been very good for me, so that's why I recommend it. I hated the idea of NC for a long time, but I kept getting hurt by the LC and my own stupidity, so I switched, and I have been doing a lot better now.

 

Good luck, HE16. Things will get better in time, even if it doesn't seem like they will. If you ever have questions or need help with anything, post something or you can PM me if you'd like.