lesson learned this time.

[asthesparrow]

hi ena.

just a rant i guess, and maybe if you could impart some words of wisdom with me that'd be great.

i have been in one serious relationship and it was for 5 years. we broke up over a year ago.

since then, i've been dating a lot i guess. the average amount for an outgoing woman in her mid 20s with a lot of friends/acquaintances/hobbies/etc.

i spent a long time not wanting to be involved with, or even flirt with anyone as i wasn't ready. i guess a lot of people came my way and i had a few flings, but was adamant that i didn't want to date. i enjoyed being single, a lot.

 

the last six or so months have been lonely. i was sick of one night stands and wanted someone to actually spend time with.

 

i met two different men. the first started out like any other relationship i'd been in. we caught eachothers eye, we flirted, we exchanged details. he didn't try to pull a move for months so i thought it was the real deal. i'd never met anyone so charming, so attractive, so similar to me.

 

after a few months we'd spoken a lot and been on a few dates. we slept together for months until i thought it was time to bring up our relationship and the nature of it. he wasn't interested in dating. all my hopes were crushed.

stupidly, i kept seeing him after that. even though it was hurtful. when we spent time together, it was as if we were together. he was so romantic. no boyfriend had ever treated me that well. he was jealous of other men, i met all of his friends, he opened up to me, we went on a holiday together, he treated me with all the respect you'd expect but without a label. buttttt i knew in the back of my mind that he'd be seeing other women too (and i wasn't strictly seeing him) and that wasn't enough for me.

 

this only ended very recently. i'd had enough. it was so hard to let go of him, because he was a great companion, and a great match for me. but, i was sick of living in a "fantasy" relationship and i was missing out on other opportunities because of him. no one else appealed to me at all, i could only think of him.

 

 

then there was another guy, i'll call T. i saw T accross the room at an event and i approached him. he was alone, so i sparked up conversation. we spent the whole night talking and flirting. i made the mistake of sleeping with him that night. we were getting along so well and there was immense attraction on both sides. he got my number and we saw eachother 3 more times after that. the last was tuesday night. it was really easy straight away for me to tell he was my kind of person. we had endless things to talk about, agreed on a lot of things, enjoyed a lot of the same things. but it is obvious to me he doesn't feel anything for me, much more than a good old FWB. he doesn't make effort to contact me and is kind of awkward and shy in real life. i can distinguish this between genuine interest and non-attraction. so i'm giving up on this guy. he's not contacted me for 3 days. it's a shame because i really felt attraction for him right off the bat, and our mutual friends have said we'd make a great couple. oh well.

 

so, this is just the recent experiences, but this happens to me time and time again in the dating world. i've decided to change my ways. i;m after something serious this time and hopefully if i change the way i am when dating, that i can find what i want. rather than a slew of one night stands which i've dealt with for a long time now.

 

so there we have it. my dating experiences. maybe i'll continue updating this thread. for now, these experiences have just left a bitter taste in my mouth.

 

thoughts/feelings?

thanks ena x

[He2Him]

Yes, thoughts... or just one. Your vagueness (I just want someone/I just want something serious...) in definition of what you want is your pitfall and will continue being your pitfall until you clearly and in a great detail define what you want in your life and stick to it without compromising. Only then you'll find yourself being really happy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I always tell people on here that if you are looking for a serious relationship, sex should be off the table until that committed, official relationship is established. For generations that is the way dating worked...date, establish a committed relationship and then have sex. Nowadays you hear the lines "I need to see if we are sexually compatible before deciding if I want a relationship with this person", "I have needs" etc. as a way to justify having sex with someone they just met and don't know very well. Sex seems to be what people search for more than a committed relationship. Whereas sex used to be the secondary outcome, now it is the primary outcome, with relationship taking a back seat. This is how a lot of people get into trouble...because the one who cares the most assumes that having sex means there is a relationship.

 

Find a man who wants a real relationship with you...who likes you for who you are and wants to be with you for you...not because you are his ticket to an orgasm for the night.

[asthesparrow]

Hey, thanks for the responses you guys. Sorry I haven't replied sooner.

I know you are exactly right, crazyaboutdogs - I seem to wind up in these relationships a lot. I definitely crave a physical relationship with people a lot more than I do emotionally.

I find that I am really clingy with my friends - I always want to see them, talk to them, spend time with them, but when it comes to people that are interested in me romantically, I push them away. I find it really easy (am I a robot?) to sleep with people I don't care about to get the sexual satisfaction but as soon as a guy shows genuine interest in me, I run for the hills. Every last one. Why is this?

I know I am fairly introverted and I have been really burned in the past by the man I loved but I thought I was over that.

Most recently I met a man I liked, he is attractive, funny, nice, and we spent a really nice day together in which I started having feelings for him. The next day he asked me on a date and all I could come up with was, "i'm busy". I would love to get to know him better! What is wrong with me? As soon as he asked me on a legitimate date I freaked out.

[chitown9]

 

 

 

What is wrong with me? As soon as he asked me on a legitimate date I freaked out.

 

We, on this forum, are not equipped to answer this question. This does seem to be the crux of the mater. It is significant that you recognize your behavior because that is the first step to changing it. I would enlist the help of a therapist for this reason. A therapist can assist you in learning why you self sabatoge. You will learn so much about yourself and you will grow!